Day 2 - Sort Of

[Sean5110]

Yesterday morning I took my last hydro and then went to start a detox program using buprenorphine (I took the two too close together and for a few hours there, it was mighty scary). But things calmed down. The clinic also gave some supplements and a couple of these came in handy last night for a pretty restful sleep: clonidine and doxepin (others were given but I didn't use any: motrin 800, flexeril and donnatal). I will go and get my second of five doses of bup this morning. By Friday, the bup doses will be done but I'll still have some of the other meds mentioned above for following days.

But here is what I want to say: I just know that now is the time to quit. period. I do not doubt that this is the moment and I have to seize onto it for all it is worth. It is true that the mental part of withdrawal is the hardest. I remember on a recent post bmac (Bill) mentioned that during the first days he was always on the brink of tears (he wasn't proud of the fact, nor am I given that I am a 37 year old man with a job and family and just can't live live on the edge of emotional gushing). But I know exactly what he was talking about and I'm there again.

It is difficult to do anything at work, and frankly, that doesn't go over well here. My body is a lead weight and theres a damp towel stuffed tight into my head. I apologize for these downer posts but this is the only place I can concretely communicate my situation to others. Thank you all so much for your support. If you are the praying type, please remember me in the coming days.

Thanks,
Sean

[dreamin]

That moment of clarity can be overwhelming.  The reality of your situation rears it's head and no amount of justification makes it go away. Even though your family is unaware of what you are going through, they are there for you, like beacons...

I was thinking the other day, I don't think I know anyone who is an addict and using and OK with where they are.  It always comes down to this.  Your soul crying out for release, from all things that are hurting you.

I am thinking of you...hang on..one moment at a time


sheila

[Sean5110]

Thanks so much for your post. You're so right about the moment of clarity. Each morning I'd wake up I'd be in slight withdrawal and the weight of remorse would be attempting to make itself known. I would quickly swallow a handful of pills and, voila! Within minutes I'd be "normal". But I know that real life is right there in the remorse, or better yet, right there in whatever truly honest enlightenment I have about myself and my life. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that life on a handful of pills is not life at the center of God's will.

Today is my anniversery (9yrs) and my wife served me breakfast in bed (she's been nearly bed-ridden herself for 2 months!). While the cheesy-eggs and butter-drenched bagels were not well received by eye or tongue, I did my best. But I do love her.

It's strange, it's like she recognizes the return of integrity to my eyes or spirit or something. I can just tell; since yesterday, she has just treated me with new-found affection and she wants me to stay with her. That was so not the case even the day before all the way through the past months when her inner spirit reviled from me, unaware of the source of repulsion. Isn't that uncanny? The very day I start my journey back, she is in love again. Yet I was so witty, "happy" and full of energy under the influence of pills. But she didn't buy it. Now I'm sluggardly and filled with the silent sorrow of regret and she is wanting just to be with me.

[FesterTool]

Hey. I know what thats like. The battle raging inside of you. Riping your mind apart. We all have or have to go through these things before we manage to get clean. this is my fifth day without meth or pills and I know the pain I have now will probably last for a good while. But I believe I can do it. And I beleive that you can to. Just stay strong and I'll pray for you like everyone has done for me.

festertool

[dreamin]

Sean,

Maybe somehow she knows..The fact that she is there with you and you still have your family shows that you didn't lose all you could have.  It's a beautiful thing.  You kept what so many others had to lose to get to the palce (as hellish as it is) you are right now.  

Happy Anniversary. and what a wonderful present to give your wife...

I hate to use a cliche, but "this too shall pass".  I am not a religious person, but laws of time will tell you that it will pass...

don't beat yourself up over things you can't control today, things you can't control this moment...

I am proud of you..

sheila

[The Golden Slipper]

I like you, am sitting at work trying so hard to do what needs to be done.  Knowing that the very soon my mind will start asking for pills again. It's time it will say...I don't know if you have read any of my posts but I am addicted to a barbituate prescribed for migraine headaches.

To make a long story short I am tapering by 1 pill per day.  I thought it would be so easy just 1 pill less but it is not. The temptation is constantly there.  I am scheduled to see an addiction doctor in 2 weeks and hopefully I can get myself clean.

I just wanted to say Happy Anniversary and I can relate to your struggle.  Know that you are following the right path in getting clean.  Addiction is a horrible disease that can rob us of so many things in life.  We deserve to have our lives back!!

Take Care I will be praying for you and everyone else on this forum.

Golden Slipper

[Sean5110]

Thank you. You are so right that tapering is an extremely difficult road. I tried twice and couldn't do it. I simply got to feeling good when I took my dose that eventually I'd say screw it and go full force.

I needed a clean break from the pills. I guess the buprenorphine is working because I'm not incapacitated by withdrawal. I am certainly not feeling pleasant though. I am trying to do some work but every task is burdensome and I just pray nobody tries to talk to me. I can't focus.

What is your scheduled taper and how long have you been at it? Where will you be by the time of your appointment with the addictionologist? What is the migraine medicine that addicted you? Thanks so much for your kind post and especially for any prayer you may offer.

Sean

[CinCee]

When this is over, you absolutely must write a book.  Believe it or not, it will be inspirational to others who must pass thru the same pergatory.  And you have a gift!

An anonymous addiction phone counselor told me once that even when your family doesn't know, they know.  In a subconscience sense.  After all, intimacy is about sharing your true self.  That's what she sees now.

Keep your posts.  Someday they will make a great book.

[CinCee]

BTW, flexeril has some anti-depressent qualities, too.

[CinCee]

What time zone are you in?

[Sean5110]

I think it would be very effective if we all had some mechanism to record our experience of withdrawal hell for play back at a later date. Do you know that, in the very beginning of June, I quit for two weeks. I was well over the physical torture (although still plagued by lethargy of body and mind). Life was just starting to include me in its subtle daily rewards for right-living. And then, out of the blue, that devious proposition presented itself to my mind. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. I remember rejecting the invitation as ridiculous, as if I was bigger than such blatant broadsided attempts to enslave me again. But then, a small cheery "idea" lit up and even seemed excitingly reasonable: I had a couple of refills left on some internet pharmacies and there would simply be such limited harm in consuming so few additional pills. And of course, my family and my employer were sure to benefit from a shake-off of the lethargy. I was going to use the pill-time as a period to start exercizing again and then, once I quit again (with minimal discomfort), I'd be free from the paralyzing lethargy! Makes sense, right?

Well, about 75 prescriptions later, most of them forged (a new-found mechanism by which I could seemingly secure as much as I wanted), and countless hours/days wasted (the exersize never happened), I'm deeper in the jaws than ever. Well, I was deeper; today I'm trudging to sanity and the place where life will once again reward me with subtle gifts of innerpeace in payment for a day well-lived.

Thanks so much CinCee for your encouragement. It really does make a huge difference.

Sean

[Sean5110]

I'm in the Eastern zone: it's 10:56am here. And you?

[CinCee]

Pacific.  I was afraid of that.  My extended family is coming later today to visit for a week.  This will be a huge stress for me and will also keep me off the computer during the day a lot.  I look for you in the early mornings, since I probably won't see you at night.

But when I do get on at night, I will go back through the days posts and look for your posts, so I want to be informed even if we're missing each other time-wise, OK?

[Chezz]

Sean,

I am glad to hear you are doing better. Like I said before, your wife KNEW you were using. Whether she believed it or not, or even dealt with it, she did. NOW she can see YOU in your EYES again. She can SEE that person she fell in love with AGAIN.

Try and embrace your feelings. You shouldn't be ashamed to cry. Let it out. Let those feelings come and go. Don't suppress them. They will come out in one way or another. Bottling them up will just cause more confusion. If it helps to write, then try it. You are only given about a week of this "clarity". Use it to your advantage. This will help you to see your "inner soul".

I know how hard it is for you right now. I know the feelings of happiness, confusion, despair, pain, shame. They ebb and flow. You will get through this.

Happy Anniversary Buddy. You have EARNED this one.
I personally, am so PROUD of you. You came back, and followed through with dealing with this. You have ACCOMPLISHED so much already.

Chezz

[athena]

Happy Anniversary! I know where your coming from with being on the brink of tears.I have been blubbering off and on for the last week.The good part about it is that I know I am able to feel again.For so long,I had no real emotions.I thought i liked it that way.I realize that the tears are helping me heal.I am sad at the yrs i've lost taking pills.Im also sad that I am no longer taking them.no matter how I was feeling it just wasn't good enough.If I was sad,i took a pill to feel happy.If I felt happy,I wanted to feel happier.I am never satisfied with how I feel.Always looking to feel something that just wont come from drugs.Your wife is probably happy to have the REAL you back with her.The man she fell in love with,good or bad.you will make it through this with Gods Grace and people who care.keep up the good work.Be proud of your accomplishments.Take one day at a time or as dreamin said,one minute at a time.you are in my thoughts and prayers.

pixi

[FesterTool]

Happy Anniversary man! Hope your breakfast was as good as it sounded!lol j/k! Im really happy for you. Good Luck and I hope you have a good day!

Festertool

[The Golden Slipper]

To answer your questions:

The medication I am addicted to is called fioricet.  It also goes by many other names such as esgic, fiorinal and you can also get it with codeine. That is called fiorinal#3.

It is a nasty drug and I have been abusing it since my mid-twenties and I am now 44 years old. If I am able to continue my taper until the doc appt.  I should be just about finished.

I just hope I can hold on, it is so tempting knowing those pills are close by.  To me they are as big as life.

I have alot to lose if I keep going down this road.  I have a wonderful husband and we are looking to adopt a child.  These pills cannot follow me through the rest of my life they are way too destructive.

Try to take this one day at a time Sean. It is the only way

Golden Slipper

[bmac]

Day 5,man it seems like yesterday you were getting thru
hour 'one' now it's day 5.Good for you.Your will is alittle stronger than you thought.I'm glad for you.                              peace,
                                   bmac

[FesterTool]

No pills or meth since the half gram last thursday. Today is day five then, right? Talk to you later!

Festertool

[bmac]

I just shows that your'e doing the right thing for yourself.
And yes it has been 5 days.Time really does fly by when you are straight.When the mental **** gets over for you it will fly
for you also.I never in my wildest dreams could I imagine I would be clean for 48 days much less 5.It has been a struggle but the worst part was the mental part.That has eased soooo
much now.Keep on posting your daily struggle and we will keep
posting back.Therapy, you know.
                     Good job,
                       bmac

[swillotter]

that sure is true about breaking down emotionally, when i'm detoxing I'll sit there and end up crying at some stupid commercial.  I'm a 35 year old construction worker and that just doesn't seem right.  By the way I've been doing 40-100 mgs. of oxycontin along with lorcet 10's and some occasional smack for about a year now.  I detoxed cold turkey from heroin twice a couple years ago when my wife found out.  Now here i am like an idiot detoxing from oxy's and hoping she won't figure it out.  I have about25 darvon 100 mgs. ten 5 mg. vicodins and 45 mgs. of valium to take.  So far yesterday i took 100mgs. of darvon and 20mgs. of valium and 17.5 mgs hydro.  I'm not sure if that counts as a first day or not since i didn't get too sick mostly just lost all energy but was still able to barely work.  Today so far i've just took 100mg. of darvon feel like **** with stomach pains.  Anyone know if the darvon will help much.  Have a chance to buy some more hydro's tommorow should i do it for the taper???  I need to do this and still be able to climb on rooves and drive a huge truck and stuff like that so it's probably not going to happen.  Watching some stupid sit com on t.v. and i'm gonna try not to cry. later all

[lilmermaid]

Hello Sean! Don't believe we have spoke before. I'm pretty new here, but have been reading your posts. I was anxious to see today how you are doing. You finally let your inner voice talk you into getting out of the hell hole and taking your first step. Congratulations! and, Happy Anniversary to you and your wife! You are giving yourself and your wife the greatest gift of all, YOURSELF! As crappy as it is today, tomorrow will be better. The clouds will go away in time and the sun will be shining! I admire you for what you are doing. As my hubby of 23 years has told me, "your eyes are the windows to your soul". I'm routing for you. You can do it!! Your life will be better for making this choice. Keep focused and determined and whip it's ass!!

[bmac]

It's a ***** for a grown man to sit and cry over a stupid TV
show but I know that feeling.Sometimes it's like where in the hell did that come from?Emotions are a great thing when we want them,but when their unexpected, man,I feel like a little wimp.
But it's the drugs coming out.You know it.Well everyone here can relate to your struggle and if you need anyone to talk to about it,post up on the first thread and don't worry about breaking the thread.It is the only way sometimes to get replies.
And you new here or is this a return visit?,
                              bmac

[athena]

the w/d are a real nightmare.The darvon should help with some of the physical pain of withdrawing but it is also addictive.The first time i tried to get off hydro,I took darvocet to help the w/d and found myself getting addicted to that!You have already taken the first step,It would only cause you more pain(mentally) to go out and buy more hydro.The thomas recipe will really help you.It's posted here everywhere.Why dont you give it a try?You are headed in the right direction.keep posting,it will really help to talk with others who have been where you are.Good luck.

pixi

[Sean5110]

Thank you for your post. I've received such support here; it's really unbelievable. I do believe that the eyes are a window to the soul and for so long my eyes have been shallow vacuums betraying the reality of what I was doing to my soul. I am just waking up and every emotion is sore.

Thank you again for your kindness.
Sean