Think I'm slightly crazy

[Molytex]

Well... Here I am 3 months out... life is back to normal. I can enjoy the movies like I used to - my kind of lazy personality has returned - Girlfriend is back in my life and mentally I am exactly where I was before trams messed up the routine...

The problem is that I kind of miss the last 3 months of insanity - not the part where the future seems so very bleak and with no positive outcome possible but the part thats black and white... Some of the aspects I went through has gone away - I genuinely felt the need for an expansion of my social network and now I don't really see the point as I am content in my own company again. The jumpiness and nervousness that always made me get up and out the door to train is gone and now it is shear willpower forcing me to go and I don't enjoy the dancing like I did earlier...

Does any of this make sense to any of you? Have you tried this? In the weak moments I actually plan a relapse and then in the strong moments I make sure that any sources I could have thought of in the weak moments are closed of...

Very odd place to be

[dominosarah]

Congrats on 90 days!!  This is a great accomplishment and it is also a time to really keep your Guard Up and start working a recovery plan.  We do get very "lazy" during this time as everything seems to be "just" working.  You gotta step it up as this addiction is sly cunning and baffling.  I always think about what is hanging out in my brain...there is a little "gnome" swinging in the back of my head just waiting for the moment to attack.  As long as i keep working my recovery he just swings nicely.  The minute i get lazy he starts to really get that swing a swinging.  Putting down the pills is only the beginning.  Having some sort of recovery plan in place needs to be implemented.  Set yourself up for success, you already have a good start.

[SuzzQ]

I've always been outgoing and personable. I am way behind you guys, but I am so quiet now... Don't really want to talk... I feel bored with everything..Mainly things do not seem exciting to me, but Once in a while I will get excited for nothing at all.. Maybe some norco residue coming out of my fat cells.. LOL... I sure hope I gain back my confidence and personality.. I am so boring.. I used to be able to amuse myself... Who knows.. maybe it could take years to get back to normal.. Still, anything is better than being a slave to those pain pills.. I think I just need to "WAKE UP"  LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[digger1976]

I've had to sit back and take a big look at my whole life, the best part of my adult life has been spent high or just that far gone I don't recall it. My whole way of thinking has to change, I go see my counsellor once a week and have just started to attend anger management, which felt weird! I do understand what your saying about missing the crazy feeling you get when detoxing, the crazy energy rush, mania, you just want everything now and can't get it fast enough, I kind of enjoyed it too, to a certain extent, lol. I would be on the weights bench and exercise bike all day pushing myself so hard, then scribbling stuff down in a book, crazy crazy it was, but funny too! Now it's kind of blah, it's so cool to be clean and I do love life again. I am nowhere near as out going as I was previously, not even close! But I force myself to be, the fear of it is always more scary than the reality of it. I still get out and about and it does feel wired being slightly on edge! I've never had to confront such things and I often wonder if I'll ever get bak to being the person I used to be, most likely I'll come close but never fully! I can live with that though, or I hope I can, lol. For now I'm doing really well and I'd say at 5 month I'm either on track or ahead of it, which is good! Patience is key! Or surrender, patience and guard up, I have a big *** padlock and chain just in case, lol.

[MrShelby42]

Molytex, You aren't feeling weird, you're feeling normal which I can only guess that its been a long time since you felt that. The laziness, lack of motivation and/or fatigue is some of what all of us recovering addicts experience. Some of us addicts were able to get by some of these emotions and feelings because we had to make a lifestyle change in order to even get on the road to recovery. What you may be experiencing after reading your posts is that many of the surroundings you used to medicate yourself in are still some of the surroundings that are still a part of your life. I know, sounds silly right, but just know, reminders such as something simple like the drawer at my desk which used to contain my DOC, by opening it, it could trigger thoughts about how good our DOCs used to make us feel, which in turn tend to make us feel sad, depressed....etc. Triggers can be devastating to some addicts, while not so much for others. If you actually feel that these are a possibility, then change them. Just remember, your recovery is more important than any single trigger, key is knowing which ones are causing problems. Best of luck to you, YOU can do this!

[ROSYouralright]

I know what you mean bear! I got a late jump on the meetings but they have helped...,tremendously. Also CONGRATS ON 3 MONTHS!!!!! I'm right behind you!

[Molytex]

Well - no meetings as such... my doc sees me regurlarly to keep track on me but that is pretty much it.

It could very well be that I need to take a long hard look at aftercare because that is something I seem to have neglected.

Its weird - my personality is back... in the midst of my abuse I took several tests with regards to my work profile and during the last 3 months of recovery I have been completely different - in a good way i think... but now my personality is back... the feelings about my present job... while in recovery I did everything to cling on to work and GF because they seemed as the only lifelines - the same emergent urge has dissappeared now... I would be sad if I lost either but it wouldn't break me as it felt like a few months ago..

Ranting thoughts...

[waterview4326]

     I agree with ricart this is an interesting thread, I don't think this has been discussed here. I am 101 days out of tramadol withdrawl and I struggle still to push myself to be social.  My passions have not yet returned, I am coming along but meeting new people still bothers me, it's like I feel I am not quite where I was, I was extremely outgoing before, now not so much.

  I too find that I will be watching this thread to see what people say. I today enjoy being kind of complacent, maybe because it took so long to not be so exhausted, I am happy  today to be free of the insanity of the drug but I struggle to move forward, I do move forward but I FIGHT the feelings of pushing myself, I wonder how much of this is normal, interesting topic

[ricart70]

This is a very interesting thread . I look forward to seeing more comments on this.

[ROSYouralright]

Hey Moly! I am so glad that you have sealed the cracks so that in the weak moments you don't trip! Have. You been to any meetings?

[Molytex]

TY for the input

[OxyTired]

I am at 100 days free. from oxycodone now and have some of the same weird things going on in my life. My job is part time and lower key. I don't feel so driven. I like the "sheer willpower" comment you made. Same story here.

Maybe its time for me to enjoy a little of the contentment you speak of. Some days I don't do much and actually enjoy it. Lots of self reflection time. So its ok if everything is not "done." Nobody is buried with a stack of completed "to do lists" anyway.

I haven't slept well enough in years to really dream at night. Now clean for three months, some dreams are really interesting. Just woke up from one at 2:30 am. Came to the Forum for something to do.

I don't feel threatened by thoughts of relapse though. Life is just starting to get really good for me. I keep my guard up, just in case.

Hope you continue to stay away from trams, can't be good for you-really. We are far more genuine without pills, I really believe that.