Depression as a withdrawal symptom

[rain]

I had surgery for colon cancer when I was 20 and immediately after was diagnosed with severe acid reflux with stomach spasms.  My family doctor has been prescribing me with percocet and Losec for pain for the last 2 years.  I was taking 2 pills when required (approx. 2-3x/week).  There have been days before when I didnt use anypills, and I was fine.  The last 2 months before I quit my job was very stressful and I was experiencing pain all day, and I started to take percocet all day-everyday (not to exceed 5 pills/day) and Ativan 1mg (when required).  I now find since leaving my job I am no longer experiencing any pain and would like to discontinue use.  I stopped taking them 3 days ago and now am having cold sweats, shaking, moodswings, insomnia and SEVERE DEPRESSION/PANIC/ANXIETY.  To relieve some of these symptoms I started to take 1/2 pill 3-4x/day.  I am no longer experiencing the shaking but still have the depression/panic.  I have just started a new job and feel that I don't want to or can't do it.  It comes and goes numerous times throughout the day and is so overwhelming I have to force myself not to just walk away from the job.  Is this a symptom of withdrawal or am I even having withdrawals at all?  If it is a symptom of withdrawal, can I expect that sooner or later it will deacrease then be eliminated completely?  I am desperate to find an answer as the 3 doctor's I've seen just gave me Darvon or some other prescription that I dont think I want.

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I've been opiate free for over 72 hours now.  Already I feel my old self coming back again.  I decided to quit because I feared that I was starting to go down that old road again.  With a little help from my friends in AA, I made the decision.  It's pretty scary no matter which way you decide to go but I chose to stick with the winners instead of the whiners.  J.B.

It's only a life and death matter.

[tom to Tom G]

I hear you, man. And you're absolutely right about how I should react to it. So, far, this is what I've managed to do. But they're a ruthless bunch and loyalties are paper-thin. If I walked out now, 48 hours later no one would remember I ever existed. However, I know deep down I made it happen and I need to take responsibility for it. But, man, nothing stings like wounded pride. The fact that the reason it happened MUST remain secret simply makes me look like even more of an enigmatic flake. I work for a start-up on its third round of venture capital financing, so the IPO is a life or death thing and the project I'm on is the key to going public. And, yes, I have stock options that could wind up being anything from worthless to enough for a down payment on a house. So I have good reasons to tough it out and make it work. But the loss of respect of my peers hurts deep down and knowing it was entirely my own doing makes me hate myself. And always for the same goddamn reason. What's that line about "counting the cost"? After thirty years of opiate addiction, I don't dare make a full tally of all I've done and failed to do. I'm 47, so you can see I've never known what adult life is like truly sober and I may never know. But I know what shames feels like tonight. Thanks for your wise words, Tom G.

[rain]

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is feeling better today.  I am reading all the above posts and I can see that everyone is kind of in the dumps right now and I think we are being hard on ourselves.  You know, there are alot of addicts that do not even have the want to quit and that is something that is a shame.  But everyone on this forum is here for the same reason, they want to get better and I think that is a start that everyone should be proud of.  I myself am proud that I have even brought myself to this forum and I think everyone here has accomplished something by doing the same.  I'm not excusing any addictions but I am saying that we are much farther ahead than if we were using with no thought of ever quitting.  When I get depressed now I can put that thought in my head and try to get another step closer to my goal.  I hope everyone will try to think positive when times are the hardest, otherwise we could get closer to the possibility of giving up.  I hope this makes everyone feel somewhat better because I know that when I am down the people on this forum make everything better for me.  I feel very secure here with all of you!

Tara

[andrea_s]

Tom, I just finished reading your post. I'm in a similar situation. I didn't share this in any of my earlier posts because I was ashamed. I have almost screwed up my whole life because of these damn pills. I'll give you the short version. Chasing these pills around has ruined my marriage, my credit and almost my job. I have been at the same job for 22 years. But over the last 2 years I've gone to hell in a speed boat. If I'm out of pills, I just can't focus. I've missed so much work it's just downright pitiful. I used to be one of the top employees and now I'm at the bottom of the list. I can't remember the last time I worked a 40 hour week. I finally went to my doctor and got 6 weeks off to try and get my **** together. Well, my 6 weeks are almost over and my **** is still scattered all over. No one at works knows about this. They all think I'm very ill....they see me struggling to get through the day, they see me breaking out in a sweat then getting chills, they see me run to the bathroom and they see me burst into tears for no reason. I guess if they ever find out that I brought this "illness" on myself, they'd probably tar and feather me. I left my husband because trying to deal with this addiction and deal with him was just too overwhelming. And another reason I left is because I have gotten fo far into debt trying to support my habit and ...well, I don't want to be within 10 miles of him when he finds out. I'm staying with my mom for now. And even with all this going on.....the only thing I can think of is.....I CAN GET MY LORTAB REFILLED TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep! Today is the day. Of course I haven't been doing without....I got hold of some darvocets but lortab is my drug of choice and I'm counting the hours till I can pick up my prescription. Thank God for this forum. Like you said....it's the one place we can be ourselves. You guys know more about me than my own family and friends do. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about this mess. I guess I'll deal with that when I'm down to my last few lortabs,huh? Ok, thanks for listening!

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

It's tough to go on when it seems that life in general has knocked all the wind out of our sails.  And then depression sets in to deliver the death blow!  Like Tom, and many others here I have been fighting this war with addiction for many years.  For me, depression is the cruelest part of the whole progression.

I've tried most of the AD's like Prozac,Paxil,Effexor and a few mood elevators like Elavil.  For me, nothing works except complete abstinance from all mood altering drugs.  Programs like AA and NA gave me a high like no other I've experienced.  It's great to feel great and have self esteem and be substance free!

That all disappeared when I relapsed some time ago when life dealt me a bad hand and I wasn't strong enough to cope. Now I suffer fits of depression, self pity, anxiety and just plain fear.  I will keep trying though because I know that there really is a light at the other end of the tunnel.  People like you help to light the way for me! J.B.

[tom to tara]

thanks, my friend. I will take your words to heart and consider your advice. I thank god that I have someone like you to talk to. The world can be a dark and cold place. Hearing from you has given me a little warmth and light. I don't even know who you are yet I feel the security of your companionship. Have a good night.