Depression never goes away..I need good advice, or a little hope

Question

I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety 15 years ago, I am 46. I remember as a child feeling sad and anxious I would get panic attacks all the time. I married in 1989 and thought having someone and having children would make me feel "normal" we had 3 children. I remember feeling blue and felt guilty because I didn't want my kids to think it was anything they did. I had a husband that didn't understand depression and was the type to say "snap out of it" or "what's so bad" . I have to also mention that he was and still is an alcoholic, and maybe he was self medicating himself. Anyway, it was 1995 when I had my first panic attack since my teen years. I finally saw a DR that put me on Paxil and it worked so well and made me feel confident..so much that I had the courage to go back to school and I felt like a new person. The big mistake was I also had an affair, my husband never took me out and like I said he drank a lot, and verbally abused me. I felt the need to get away, if only for a week. I was always with my kids and love them very much, but he never let me go visit with my sister, I had to take one of the kids, he would tell me. I didn't have friends either. I put everything in my family. But then I was shopping one day and a young guy said I was beautiful? he thought I was 20 I thought I didn't think I was attractive. my reply was , I'm a housewife and mother..me beautiful?? I couldn't believe it. I talked to him on the phone we went out had fun, since all my kids were in school, it felt innocent and he was telling me all these wonderful things about myself that my husband never told me. I didn't do it for fun, I really thought I was falling for him. I will skip ahead a bit..I told my husband I wanted a divorce he fought back by using my mental illness and jobless life against me, and got custody of my kids and the house. I ended up in the hospital, but it didn't seem to help much. All I could think was I wanted my family back and what did I do to myself!!! It was like I wasn't myself, it was someone else, I wouldn't do that. It was 1998 when the divorce was final and I was so depressed It was hard to fight back. Fast forward 12 years, My kids and I were always and are still very close, I never neglected them and my ex was very nice to let me have them at my place often. I just wanted to give you a little background about me. Two years ago I went back to college and was starting to feel a little better about myself, but still had lingering depression, The paxil wasnt working so I tried all the SSRI's over the years. my dr said maybe they just don't work for you, she suggested I try the older Tricyclics( I don't know how to spell)..basically they are the older anti depressants. I went to the emergency room twice in 2 weeks, They said maybe its menopause, When I left I felt like no one can help me! Then my classmate who was my good friends during that semester in school gave me a vicadin. . Before I knew it I got my DR to give me Oxycodone's. I thought I could handle it, but I abused them. Its been a year. See the thing is.. pain med, is the only thing that really worked to make me happy.I had the idea that I'm getting old so why not spend the last part of my life happy, right? I know it was so wrong, but I was at the point where I couldn't function without them, My dr wanted me to get off them she knew I was taking them to feel happy and was very concerned. that's when I told her I want to go to a rehab. she said she was proud of me. When I came home only being there 2 weeks.. I talked my Dr into giving me Vicadin for my back pain. Needless to say again I couldn't take as prescribed she would only give me 60 10/500's a month, I had to agree to a narcotic contract, she said she was going to monitor me and if I messed up again that's it. I went through them in a week. But it made me realize that I had to take action and this time I didn't go to rehab, I just weaned myself off them and its been a month.I want to take them again because all my worries and depression will go away but I didn't come this far to let the drugs win. I also know I will be right back in that vicious cycle again, they stop working, you always need more, its a no win situation. I need to fight this and win, but I had no idea how miserable I would be. I got through the physical part of withdraw, the depression is the worst part.. I heard about the depression that comes with the withdraw, but this is the worst depression I ever had! In the meantime I asked my psychiatrist to start me on Elivil, which is the older med. i talked about.I told him the whole story. I really want to feel better and not have my mind fogged with the pain pills The new anti depressant isn't kicking in yet. but after taking the pain pills I'm scared I will never feel happier, or at least content and have a sense of well being~ it's like it altered my mind and will never be the same and depression will never leave.I was so numb to anything, all my worries, so an anti depressant can't make me as happy. I still wake up severely depressed, have to force myself to do mindless tasks, don't want to get out of bed. I open the curtains and open the window to breath fresh air and try to get some sun on face. I regret the day I took that first" Mind Poison" everyday is a constant struggle and no one understands. I dropped my fall classes, that I was once looking forward to, I cry a lot and everything that Ive been holding in is coming out in tears. I'm even crying about breaking up my family back in 98. and getting old, I worry about EVERYTHING! I really wanted to die, but my family would suffer, especially my kids. I could never do it, but I do wish something would happen that would be out of my control, like cancer, car accident, heart attack? I don't care. Its like walking around with a dark cloud over my head ready to rain down on me. I feel so alone. my mother talks to me a lot and is supportive, but I can tell shes getting sick of hearing me cry and my oldest daughter says it's just self pity. only one of my kids were unfortunate enough to get depression because of me. we are the closest but misery doesn't love company it just causes us to argue and irritated at each other. shes only 19. I took her to get help many times but she is addicted to street drugs this happened when she was 16.. that alone makes me feel horrible and inadequate.I never drank, or used any drugs in my life. I was scared to take Paxil because I thought it would make me feel weird, I didn't believe in taking drugs, but I had to try because I couldn't function or take care of my kids. this disease is taking over my life and I don't know how much longer I can hang on. It ***** because I was so happy and carefree and to have to feel twice as bad now. I got a taste of happiness. I mean withdraw depression is really bad but add to it my clinical depression and maybe menopause (my mom went through it in her late forties) basically I don't have the full effect of my anti depressant yet. Its been about a month. I try to be active but I am so miserable and I don't know if it ever will go away! I'm really trying to get healthy, especially for my family. I feel guilty but I don't feel like my life will amount to anything, why am I still here. my kids are all grown, no one really needs me. I don't have any confidence and can't even think of going back to college yet. Does anyone know how long the withdraw depression takes. I don't want to live another month like this. Will the need for the narcotics go away? Will my brain ever be "normal" Thanks for listening. Sorry this is so long.

lookinforhope · Answer

in my last post to you I meant to say I go back on antidepressants when I start feeling sad again.

lookinforhope · Answer

My doctor says to get moving, keep doing things, keep busy but I can't push myself enough. When I do accomplish something it feels good at the moment, but more like relief that it's done and I dread having to repeat it. When I'm with my family it feels good too, but my mind keeps racing about how I'm going to feel when I go back home where I live alone and have to wake up to another horrible day. I can't be around my family everyday, they live an hour from me. Does anyone feel this way, does it get better? I can't seem to keep a regular schedule and the thought of forsing myself keeps me in bed avoiding life.

lookinforhope · Answer

I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean treading water to stay alive but I'm so tired and there is nothing to gain by staying afloat knowing I will never make it to shore. That's what it feels like...whats the use of trying so hard to want to live when there is nothing, seems pointless. I know I have kids and family but I still feel lonely, useless, and no one can help. I feel guilty like they should be enough to make me happy. I don't know if I'm being selfish, but this pain inside makes it so hard to be normal and happy around people. It's exhausting!

lookinforhope · Answer

I feel for you, I suffer from anxiety too! I take a sleeping pill that gives me maybe 4 hours of sleep and I know it will stop working eventually. Isn't it stupid how the bad side effects of meds stick with you forever but the benefit's you get go away. I can't get up in the morning and my whole day consists of staying in bed watching movies. It was really nice and warm this whole week but I didn't care about getting out because I'm so miserable inside that it doesn't matter where I'm at. It's been six months now and I still feel like hell.

lookinforhope · Answer

I still feel bad...it's been 6 months. I have been going on and off antidepressants which makes it worse, but the side effects keep me awake so I stop them but when I can't sleep I start them again. It's a frustrating viscous cycle. I don't know if it's normal to still feel this depressed. I know I need to get out and exercise but I can't bring myself to do it eveyday, I just want to sleep the day away. My days are staying in bed watching movies and thinking about how the pills took this all away. I wouldn't and can't get pills again but I keep thinking anything is better than this, How much patience and willpower must I take?

Ann2497 · Answer

I found that if I accomplish small tasks it makes me feel good and gives me the boost I need to get things done.  I too had a hard time getting out of bed and understand exactly how you feel.  I have major depression and it really ***** to go thru the depression from withdrawal along with having regular depression.

lookinforhope · Answer

I know exactly what you mean..I guess my life's the same, except I have an ex husband that still treats me the same, even though were not married, we have become friends.My older kids are the same. The only one that understands me is my youngest daughter. I feel bad thinking its my fault shes depressed, but we have a very strong bond and we can help and understand each other better than anyone else. My mom also had depression and she gives a lot of support too.  I feel like its 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I can barely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I keep hoping every night that I will wake up and feel better. I also think if I can get up at a reasonable time, and not sleep in...which I have been doing since I got off the pain meds, I will feel even better. I am still "down in the hole" In the sense that I don't feel like doing anything. Its hard to get out of bed but really horrible to go to the grocery store, or clean my place. I had cleaning jobs I lost and I have to get out of this rut I'm in! I'm a big mess!!!

lookinforhope · Answer

Yes, your life sounds like mine..  It is really hard to live with someone that doesn't understand what your going through. As for the Vicodin, I had to sort of quick cold turkey, because I only had a weeks worth and I tried weaning off slowly. The Wd (physically wasn't as bad as the WD. I am still hanging in there I think it's been 2 months clean! I think if I get to 90 days, the depression with subside, And I am lucky to not have cravings anymore!!

OneRoseForMe · Answer

OMG !!!!! Where have u guys been all my life ???? I have so many of the same problems/experiences that many of u r talking about. Right now I'm dealing with depression (dr says possible bipolar) addiction to narcs, and a very bad case of insomnia. Im trying to go to sleep now, but I just stumbled upon this site and couldn't stop reading. My hubby of 23 years thinks I can "just snap out of it" too! I know it's up to me to try to get better, but as I try to describe how I feel to him everyday goes like this..... I feel like the Whack-a-mole game (I hope all of u know what that is).... Just when I can see light at the end of the tunnel is when my head pokes out of the hole...and in an instant second somebody whacks my head with that large hammer and knocks me back down so far that it's dark again and I can't see the light!! After so many time of this happening to me it's extremely hard for me to find the willpower to try to poke my head out of the hole again !!!   I will be back to this site because I feel I may have just found the support I have needed for so many years!! My story is long just as most of you guys seem to be!        (OneRoseForMe because you don't have to spend all that money on a dozen when one rose says it all !!! )

all_alone1 · Answer

I started taking narco for a migraine that I think were due to stress from life. I found out my husband cheated on me in 05 and became severly depressed. I didn't go to a doctori was stubborn. My husband even offerred to take me to a shrink. I felt why pay money to some just to tell me what I already know, that it was his fault I was in this mess. Sorry to get to the point my mom was concerned about my migraines so she gave me narco. Not only did it help my migraines but the depression and stress was gone just like you. I felt happy again, I felt like myself again. I forgot to mention my husband was like yours in the sence that I should be happy all the time to suck it up. And like yours I have to take one of my kids with me wherever I go. But this drug gave me the means to cope with all this and up until 5 days ago I was so scared to let it go, but after the encouragement decided to try . I am tapering not brave enough to go cold turkey. My point is there is help and support here and most of all encouragement because we are not alone, you and I are not alone. Be strong with me please , and in turn I will be strong with you. Sorry this is so long, like I said before I have no one else to talk to.

donewitis · Answer

I have been thinking of yofa myself. Do you have Comcast? There is a sports (on Demand) channel..and I just recently found out that there are alot of exercizes on there..even belly dancing..lol Also yoga..i too will start with the 'gentle yoga' I hope you have Comcast. :) So many people do and aren't aware that this is available ( an old friend called me and this came out in conversation) well, hope this helps.

lookinforhope · Answer

Well congrats to you for 54 days clean! It is getting better and everyday I feel  more like my self, but in a sense, even better because I feel stronger and have confidence that I have overcome one of the biggest struggles in my life.

lookinforhope · Answer

Yes, I was considering Yoga. I never took any action to do it when I was taking pills, because I would sit in my room and let the pills make me happy. Now I have to take action and make myself happy. I hope you can do it too. I also suffer from back pain, but like you said, I will start with gentle yoga and go from there.

donewitis · Answer

Congratulations on one month clean!! Just the past couple of days I feel the depression, anxiety lifting...this is 54 days clean of oxy. i was getting worried; but thankfully..a little bit better..any improvement is encouraging. You've been through so much...it's time for you to take care of you.. a new life awaits..
"Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle."
When I was using there was no way anything could change..now i believe almost anything is possible :)

littlebit667 · Answer

My daughter does yoga and there are so many different types.  She has terrible anxiety and when she started doing yoga we both could see a difference in how she was feeling.  She is now teaching it and I will ask her what kind might be best if you are interested.  The breathing they use helps her deal with the anxiety and she says it helps with depression as well.  I have not started it as my back is very touchy and I am afraid of doing something to hurt it, but am considering gentle yoga to start.  The thing about most yoga is it is not that expensive and seems to really help a lot of people.  You don't have to be athletic or skinny to do it, you just have to be willing to try.  Hmmm, I may have talked myself into it as well.  :)

lookinforhope · Answer

Yes I do have true depression and the WD depression along with felt 10 times worse. I haven't felt this bad since my kids were taken from me! After all this I will never go back to pills, because like laurel453 said "there is no magical pill"  I realize that and I would never want to go through this again! The oills are never enough, you need more and more, then you are just taking them to feel normal and not go through withdraw. I am going to give the Elivil a chance to work and if needed I'll have the dose adjusted or have the DR add another med. This weekend  I have been clean a month. Like I said before I won't put myself through this again. I am just beginning to feel like my self again. TY for replying.

LeaAnn807 · Answer

Wow, you've been through a LOT!  The thing is that it sounds like you have true depression not just WD depression, which many of us have had.  Opiate WD just makes it ten times worse when you already start out with it.  I do know kind of how you feel.  I was miserable after I quit drugs.  I had literally tried every drug in the PDR it seemed like, plus cocaine all in an effort to feel better.  Nothing helped like getting off of all the crap that was causing it for me to begin with.  Keep trying different meds until you get one that is right for you.  There are so many out there.  You and your doc should be able to find something to help.  

I wish you luck!  How long have you been clean?

lookinforhope · Answer

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has replied, I have a lot of good advice here to help me get through this. I am going to see a therapist and I have been told that Cognitive Therapy really works..I think it's about changing the way a person thinks and get in the habit of not being negative. Its comforting to know that I'm not alone. I'm too focused on myself right now and I do push people away because they don't want to be around someone that doesn't smile or is negative. I want to be stronger and get back to normal, at least whats normal for me.

lookinforhope · Answer

TY for replying to my post..and yes you did help me understand what I'm going through..It gives me hope. I am starting to get used to this, I feel numb but yet I want to cry and get it all out.

Innerstrength67 · Answer

Hi, I feel your pain. I believe I have been clinically depressed all my life. Prozac seemed to work for awhile but not anymore. And I know all too well how hood pain meds make me feel. I am an Acupuncturist and I see people with depression all the time. In Chinese medicine we look at everything a person is doing to help themselves, not just putting in needles or giving herbs. What o mean is this. You obviously want to live, just not this way. There are a lot of things you can do for your mind and body which are natural. A great diet, vitamins, exercise, meditation, yoga, volunteering. You have put everyone else before you including drugs. It's time to start really taking care of yourself. Cognitive therapy like someone suggested is also great. I know it's hard but if you really want to feel better, you are going to need to work at it. 
You can't imagine how so many foods we eat can cause chemical imbalances. In Chinese medicine, we use food as medicine. 
Hope this helps. Congrats on your clean time. It's the first step. I have also found going to NA helps a lot. Gets me out of my own head.

ricart70 · Answer

Hi,I also have had depression for a long time.I know that the opiates are the best cure and then the cause of the worst depression that makes you wish that you just had regular depression.Littlebit is exactly right about the healing that your brain has to go through.It is not brain damage that these opiates cause,unlike alcohol and other drugs but the receptor sights become enlarged and also create more receptor sites to accommodate the opiate,when it is withdrawn this leaves no natural endorphin plus extra receptor sites plus enlarged receptor sites that our natural endorphins are unable to satiate causing a triple whammy of depression and anxiety.The good news is in time we produce the natural opiate and at the same time our receptor sites shrink back to normal size allowing for less depression andmore motivation.I am also impatient for this process to run it's course.A month is great and you should start feeling better any time now.I am only on 24 days right now but have been through this before and life will get back to at least alot better than worying about pills.stay strong.Exercise helps because when your body is stressed it is forced to produce more endorphin.I have been taking cold showers after my regular shower I will just slam the water to cold and make myself stay in there for five minutes or so.It is pretty shocking and I gag and cough but when I get out you wouldn't beleive the change in attitude and alertness.I had also read that celtic warriors used to jump into a cold stream or river every morning as an act of bravery to start the day.You should try this.I guarantee you it will give you 100% temporary relief.Hope this helps

worried878 · Answer

Many folks use narcs for depression...also to get energy....not a good choice but must say i am guilt of using for energy
The right AD may help....therapy also helps...I uderstand what u mean tho
It is hard for those who havent walked in ur shoes to Walk in ur shoes.  They cant go there and feel your pain.  I do not have depression/cept when I guess I should be..ie a job loss..a death..a break up etc...but I suffer with chronic pain.  A person who doesnt have this issue does not understand.  I rarely bring it up.  Many wouldnt know I hurt 24/7.
My nxt door neighbor is clinically depressed.  She says she is bi-polar cos i think that she thinks that sounds more savvy...but ive never seen her smile much less in a manic state.  She is depressing to be around and pushes folks away and the cycle continues.  Not many enjoy being around negativity when we have our own challenges jst making it thru the day and work sometimes. She has tried to kill herself at least 30-40 times.  She was a nurse before she was on disability.  I figure if she wanted to kill herself she woulda by now and I told her that,  This was recent and I feel bad about saying it.
I guess we have control over our minds...and I do know depression is not something we all have and I feel for those who do.  I know it is harder for someone who is nuerotransmitter deficient to balance them with ADs and enjoy life.  But life is short and we have the choice to do the best we can and keep fighting....or let life slip away and never see the rainbows.

good luck to u and keep posting

laurel453 · Answer

Hi :)...i feel you,  you are going through all at the same time... addiction, anxiety, depression, mid life crisis... the result is that you feel utterly miserable and you are beating yourself down and this is the best way to never end this despair... There is no magical pill that will make us happy, there is no instant solution, i wish i have it too :)... put your expectations on feeling a bit better and being healthier for now, happiness will come later... Have you ever tried therapy ? Anxiety is hard to deal with, meds are a temporary solution, you need working on the way you deal with your fears and to build up your self steem that it is at its lowest now, Cognitive Behavioural therapy will give you some tools to learn how to do it. Anxiety is no fun at all, i know and it takes time to have it under control without meds but all the work will pay off with time...Give yourself time and work on your different issues, step by step.... Make little changes in your life each month, keep pulling yourself as you are doing.... exercise will help with time, healthy eating, work on your thoughts every day...... Keep posting here, you will have the support of people that are going through the same... i wish i could have the advice you need now but you will not feel alone here and you can not give up fighting

littlebit667 · Answer

This was the first answer I got when I came here asking for help. I hope it helps you!

You have to remember how opiates work, and why you feel depressed etc. when you quit taking them and after you are over the withdrawals.

Opiates bound to the opioid receptors in your brain and body. They release their artificial endorphins to them, and block the bodies natural endorphins. After a while the neurons that produce the body's natural endorphins disappear. There is no need for them so they just don't rejuvenate like they would normally.

When you stop taking the opiates,  they leave your opioid receptors bare, and they are calling out for your body's natural endorphins, but there isn't any there at first. You body has to repopulate the neurons that make them, and this takes time.

Endorphins like dopamine  control your moods, anxiety, sadness, anger, happiness, pain etc.

You will slowly get your "old self" back as these neurons repopulate and begin increasing their endorphins production. After being off the opiates for a month, they should be about 45-50% of normal, and be back to normal within a year.
So hang in there, you will feel better and better as the months roll by, and they roll by pretty darn quick when we get to our age, don't they!

Try keep busy and keep your mind focused on positive things instead of dwelling on the depression, anxiety, etc. that are only temporary and will disappear as your endorphins return to normal.

Does that  answer or help you understand your questions?