Detachment

[greeneyes16]

I need to learn how to detach from my 25 year old son who just got out of rehab .......................Its very hard for me to do .......Any advice would be greatly appreciated........ Trish

[LateAugust]

I wish it were so simple as reading a book,  or attending a meeting to mitigate the turmoil and loss of one's child to drug addiction.   The pain your  addicted child is deep, and the gamut of emotions is endless.  For me, I did what I thought was best for my daughter...  and I didn't, nor have I given up on her..   yes, she has more time of sobriety now than she has before,  but I know the mental addiction is enormous and the process of healing for her, myself,  and our family is also a very long road, and will not end with reciting a passage.   The quote MtGoat shared with you is truly my mantra.  I did not cause it   I can not control it  and I can not cure it.   (the big "it" being her addiction)    However,  I can ensure she has the best medical help available to her, and the unconditional love and support of a parent for their child.   I think that is a basic instinct we have for our children, regardless of their illness.

I truly believe ( with the help of many true professionals, and a great deal of prayer)  only you know what is best for your son....  and your heart will guide you in the direction of what is needed for the both of you....

[mtgoat911]

alonon has the best book on what you are going through my favorite quote is, i didnt cause it, i cant control it, and i cant cure it!!!
all the answers to what you are going through is in that book, i just started and i already see a difference in myself

[GA Guy]

Not only should you make him go or move out...how about even going with him? Open meetings are for anyone. You could learn a lot as well.

[greeneyes16]

I know my son is very lucky to have me ..he just doesn't understand it yet ......Or appreciate what he has.......I know this is up to him ......I want him to go to meeting ..He live under my roof ..do you think i should make him go if he doesn't tell him find another place to live ...  ?
This is all so crazy !!!!!!!!

[worried878]

i beleive i just answered a pm from u ..i feel ur pain..my dtr was recently divorced and i am faced with her alcohol problem..when i just lost my job and fiance and was turning to alcohol myself til i got a grasp on the situation..and i do beleive her drowning herself in alcohol woke my bu11 up!  bad coping skills...did i teach her that??? did she inherit this from me?? I can go on and on but guilt gets us nowhere..moving forward and making a plan is what gets us to our goal..it sounds as if u r a bit confused about exactly where he is at in recovery?

I do know people/especially addicts cos as a rule they r control freaks/do not succumb to being froced to do anything..often they will even do more of whatever they r doing just to spite u...sounds crazy but i have done it/admit it...it is a very touchy subject...ignoring it doesnt work either...support..letting him know u r there...suggestions for things he can attend for aftercare etc...losing control urself will only make things worse..stay in control..and anything u tell him be sure it is said with love/not with anger/not with "how much u have hurt us" not with an approach that will make him feel like a big fat loser/user.......all this is hard..but ultimately his cleandom is up to him...there may come a time when u have to detach..i am not sure that time is now..only u know..there r groups for people with addicts in their family that u can attend   Al-anon is one I know of..u could share and learn..even attending an AA or NA meeting urself may help u understand..my dad did so he could understand my problem..he is my rock and i love him

ultimately this is up to him..u can not do it for him even tho as a parent u wished u could..but u cant..it sux but u cant..all u can be there for him and make suggestions...give support..and when ur strength is being sapped out of u to the point it is endangering ur mental health..then u will have to let go/detach..not really sure i could do that but i know people who have let go of their children due to addiction....addition is painful..very painful and it causes pain not only to the addict but anyone who cares for the addict..i wish they could create some type of gas and spray it everywhere and eradicate this disease..but they cant..and all u can do is the best u can do..ur son is very lucky to have u

[LateAugust]

Hi Trish,  I too tried to respond to your note....  but receiving messages or notes via MedHelp is blocked on your end,  let me know if I can help you with changing your settings....  I did send you an email  via the other route....  as the mom of an oxy addict,  you know my thoughts are a bit different, however, I can only offer you my support and share my experience, and pray to God if it helps just one person,  that is the very least I can do.....  I agree with attending Al-Anon, it was a great support when I truly thought I was losing my mind, ( I still attend and my mind is fairly normal now :) ) it may take you several meetings, but I did find my home group that was compatiable with my experience.  Unfortunately there are more of us out there than you realize....

Stay strong sweetie,  and please check for my message.  Jeanette  

[corey411]

Thank's GaGuy....great minds......Hehe

[corey411]

If you want to send your email in a PM I will send my number. Do not send it in a note. Only I can see it in a PM.

[GA Guy]

Right click on corey's name above and send him a message with your email in it. That way you two can talk.

[corey411]

Private message...like when you send a message instead of a note so no one else can see...I got both of yours and I know I sent you a few in the past

[corey411]

I am getting your messages and notes but you can not get mine. Can anyone else send you one. You can scroll down to the bottom and it will say contact medHelp...I think. You can contact them and they will email you and tell you how to fix it. Right to the right of my PM does it say blocked or unblocked. It should say blocked

[greeneyes16]

never blocked ..Don't even know how ..hehhehe what should i do?

[corey411]

Hi Trish, I recieved your friendship invitation but cannot send you messages. Your settings must be blocked. By my name it should say block user. I'm not sure what else the problem could be.

[corey411]

Hi Trish, I sent you a long PM in response to the one that you sent me and your PM was blocked. We live in the same town and I want to help you. I will give you my number if you want to talk. Just PM me. Do not block out what you don't want to hear. This is a very hard thing to understand and no one can say what I know you so desperatly need to hear. You do need to understand addiction. Not loving your son is not part of the deal. That will not change. Only where YOU draw the line. He does need to go to meetings and if he is living in your house you do have a lot of control. My son was 25 too. When you understand how addiction, the disease, works you will know where to draw the line between helping and enabling. It can be a fine line. Corey

[greeneyes16]

Yes you were harsh ..But I am glad & thankful that you are ...I need  some one to tough love me also .......... I get it ..& will get  more educated in addiction .... Just got a book Addict in your Family ...Its a start ......... AlAnon is the next step .......  Thanks everyone ... Trish

[IBKleen]

I agree with what everyone is telling you but it kills me to see you going through this.

He is your baby and I do understand the denial. You don't want to believe it is happening and can easily convince yourself otherwise but you know that is not healthy for any of you. When I first got clean from my doc (heroin) I got home after a long stint in rehab followed by a year away from home. My mom showed up with a huge cardboard box filled with prescription pain meds. She said "I don't want you sticking those needles in your arms anymore so use these pills if you need to". Of course all of the pills were immediately destroyed but my point is that my mom would have done anything to help and did not understand the disease at all. She was my best enabler.

I also have to suggest that YOU get educated and YOU get a program even if he doesn't. The only one you can save is you.

And again, if he chooses to live under your roof and not get the aftercare he needs, tell him he has to find another place to live. Once you begin YOUR recovery program you will learn to do this without the guilt.

Please keep posting and talking here. I know it will help you. Any questions, ask away. I will keep you in my prayers.

[GA Guy]

I hope I didn't come off as being too harsh. I just want you to let go of the guilt for trying to save his life. Let's put this into another perspective. Let's say he has diabetes. He's been told no more sweets and to take his insulin. He's sick, but can live a normal healthy life if he controls it. Would you feel guilty making him take his insulin? Would you still make him cheesecake every day? This may sound like a weird correlation, but it's very applicable. You need to say..you're an adult and have every right to do whatever you want. But, you will NOT kill yourself while you're on my watch. You can use all you want, but you will NOT be a part of my life while you do so. I am your Mom and will do everything in my powers to help you, but only if you help yourself. Please, do not feel guilty for that. By the way..an AlAnon meeting would be a great idea for you.

[greeneyes16]

yes he did pop up positive & yes i am in denial .....& am scared to death ..... I do feel like i am the bad guy .....You are right...... Hes living under my roof & I will make the calls ..... I did drug test him again & it was negative the next day ..so who know what happened there ..But I will  drug test him for opiates & oxies...Thanks for the advice ..& for helping me understand ............

[LIZZIE LOU]

i'm sorry...but being 25 does not exempt him from "the rules", as long as he is living in YOUR house.

[GA Guy]

First of all..aren't you the one who told us that he popped positive for opiates late last week? But, you don't think he's using? You also said in your post that you thought he was using last week? I think you're in a little denial here as well (which is to be expected..you're his Mom!). Anyway, it's true that you can't force him to do anything. What you can control is what goes on in YOUR home. You must tell him that while he lives under YOUR roof, he must do EVERYTHING suggested by his rehab. Ding this half-assed is NOT an option. Also, get some home test kits (cheap on ebay) and randomly test him as well.  You have to quit enabling him. He's living on your dime and deserves to be treated like a child for as long as he acts like one. Do NOT feel like the bad guy here. If you coddle him, you will feel some real guilt if he OD's. This isn't something to toy with. Addiction only leads to 3 places, jails, institutions, or death. You very well may be saving his life. Does this seem doable? What are your reservations?

[greeneyes16]

I don't think hes using ...... Yes he lives with us ....He is  going to out patient rehab .... His friends who are also in the program want him to go to meetings & get a sponsor but he s not doing that yet .......They drug test him a rehab ......I'm just so new & so stupid at this whole addiction thing ........I want him to go to meeting & get a sponsor ...but hes 25 ..I can't force him .......I'm worried .......

[IBKleen]

Hi,

Is he using?

What is the reason you need to detach? Does he live with you? A little more information would be helpful so members can advise you and share their experience.