Down hill, alone drug consumption (bad but high times) lol, help! x

[drugsreality2507]

Hi guys and girls.
Firstly, this is the first time I have felt to post somewhere like this, but I feel my addiction issues are slowly getting the better of me. I am a successful man aged 29 with a business that I own and a beautiful fiancé that I love more than anything, and  since we met we have both liked to use recreational drugs at the weekends and love a good all-nighter with friends.
the problem is that once a week she has to do an all night shift at work leaving me at home alone for the whole evening/night.  
For the last 5 or 6 sleep in shifts she's done I have got home from work bought a gram of coke and a stack of beers and had a great night on my own getting high, playing Xbox, reading articles on the Internet ect, but generally just enjoying the lovely, warm embrace of cocaine and booze(bad I know) The first time I did this I really enjoyed it, and it compelled me to do it again! But now every time she has a night shift I can't think of anything better to do than get high on my own:( I fully realise this is quite a problem but just can't help myself calling the man??! It's one big secret at the moment as I can happily function the next day without issue? But I feel terrible carrying this drug secret and need some tips (other than just don't do it) to help me stop this stupid, secret, self addictive, self deprecating behaviour? Please if there is anyone out there who has been in a similar situation and has overcome it I would love to know how you did it. P.S, I have the worst, no will power, impulsive attitude you can imagine! Lol.

Thanks  

[Junip]

I am new to this site but unfortunately not new to addiction.  Currently my drugs of choice are OxyCotin and Percocet.  About 12-13 years ago I was a weekend warrior with my boyfriend and best friend and her boyfriend.  I was (and still am) a hardworking professional and liked to blow off steam on the weekends by drinking and doing coke all night with our friends. One of them sold it so it was always accessible.  We had no problem stopping during the week..at first.  Eventually,  I started buying it without telling ny live in boyfriend and would use it alone during the week. I spent a lot of money that I could have been investing (and as a financial services professional that drives me crazy). My boyfriend and I realized we were getting out of hand when we stayed up all night partying the night before Thanksgiving and were practically falling asleep at the table during Thanksgiving dinner with my family. He decided we should stop and did not even know about my solo ventures. Fortunately, we were able to stop. BUT, fast forward all these years later and here I am with a new drug and a stronger addiction.  Please try to stop, and tell your fiancee.  Her support can be instrumental and the guilt of lying to her can perpetuate your addiction further.  Good luck!

[vicki595]

Oh boy. Wow. drugsreality2507, darling boy, please shake yourself lose from your philosophy and attitude toward using drugs. Drugs are NOT a reward for hard work and good behaviour. You know this somewhere in your head and most of us here at MH know this to be true.  I hate to see you flipping around in that rabbit hole...

Please re read the words from everyone and especially from Domino, IBK, Gnarly, and Nursegirl.  They have YEARS of experience with this disease. And trust me when I tell you that addiction is ABSOLUTELY a progressive and deadly disease and you will succumb to it's faulty innocence. I promise you.

It's a shame that addicting drugs are such great antidepressants, right? But there are other lifestyles that are healthier which offer the same result. You just have to WANT to find the healthy lifestyle that works for you.

I wish you all the best and appreciate you coming to our forum; it's a positive first step.  However, your "plan" is a dangerous one, Sweetheart. It will keep you sick right along with your secrets...Please think hard, okay?

[dominosarah]

You have been given great advise from everyone.  Here is my thoughts on what is going on.  You say you have a full happy life.  I have a feeling that isnt reality as you wouldnt be chasing a high trying to escape from the world for awhile.  You have a successful business and participate in many hobbies.  I can guarantee you this will change and you will have nothing if you continue down this path.  Trust what we are telling you as we all started out like you did.

[devisatedandscared]

things can get out of control fast, You want to jump of this ride while your ahead
I certainly wish i had listened to that little voice, long before I let those little pills take over my soul

Starting over is not fun
Losing everything is even less fun
Losing the one you love would be a devistating

Trust us this isnt a casual thing, your well on your way to having a serious problem

We care, so we must be true to you and ourselves
Addiction sneaks  up on you my friend
You are in a good place now to be able to change your future, your life, and your health

Forgive my paragraphs my period button is broken     KEEP POSTING WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

[pinkgirl73]

oh Lord...I can relate to drugsreality2507 right now,  unfortunately.  Reading this I am having to face the fact that I too am doing the occasional party thing.  Except its with Percocet mixed with booze.  For 10 years I have been on tramadol and am currently tapering due to my high dosage and long term use.  Its going well.  Anyway, about 2009 I started touse Percocet and booze together occasionally because I was always alone on the weekends and I accidentally discovered that when I combined alcohol, mainly wine (cuz I'm a classy drunk...lol) with Percocet it creates the most amazing feeling.  So I did that for a few months.  Fast forward 2 years and I am a full blown drunk/junkie.  My boss was my dealer...and he gave them to me for free actually because he liked me...and I took advantage of that.  I would take 12 pills and 2 bottles of wine in a 6 hour period.  My addiction was contained to the night time from 6 pm until 2 am every single night for about 3 years total.  I would call my boss, who was married, in the middle of the night with a "work emergency" and guilt him into bringing me more pills.  I would lie to my family at night about where I was going...saying I needed a sandwhich from dunkin donuts, etc...then i'd fly to meet him for pills.  It all started out as a way to help my back pain.  But when I discovered the pills/booze combination I loved it.  I told myself it was no big deal, that I was young and it was fun and I only live once, and that my husband was a neglectful ******* and I deserved a little reward from time to time for all the bullcrap I put up with over the years, etc, etc.  Anyway this went on and on...so after about 3 years of doing this crap every night, after what started as the occasional party with just me, I was 40 lbs heavier, barely got out of bed, barely showered, and didn't give a crap about anything.  I would lay in bed all day hungover from practically overdosing the night before and wait until 6 pm when my boss got out of work.  (By this point I had quit my job a year prior just to try to stop my addiction but that didn't work cuz it was too strong.)  my ex boss would get out of work at 6 and i'd meet him somewhere to get my pills.  then I'd go to the liquor store, greasy hair, overweight, etc...to get the booze that I mixed them with.  It went on and on for years.  I somehow decidedto stop doing it in 2012.  I don't know why or how but I stopped doing it.  I stopped for 29 days and relapsed.  I relapsed over and over.  I'm still relapsing.  I have a new system now unfortunately.  It goes like this:  Every 30 days I get a scrip of 60 percs...I take them all within 5 days and mix them with my wine.  I go weeks without them.  Then I do it all over again the next month and the next.  So, you see, Craig its no party anymore.  I have an addiction to Percocet mixed with alcohol and this ENTIRE time I have been on Tramadol and at one point I was throwing in 4 mg of Ativan daily for a few years.  I don't know how I will ever quit using the percs/alcohol combination because its just such an amazing feeling.  I have chronic pain so I feel like I "deserve"  a little break from pain and stress and my anxiety disorder and hey "its only a little bender every few weeks, right? I mean its not every day right?  blah, blah, blah.  I'm sure my liver begs to differ but I'm too afraid to find out.   Meanwhile I am trying to wean off the Tramadol, I weaned off the Ativan several years ago...but I CANNOT successfully permanently wean off my "party pal" Percocet/booze.  I have no desire to take percs without booze and no desire to take booze without percs because separately they do nothing for me...but together I like it and I wish to God that I didn't.  If you came here then you KNOW something is wrong no matter what you tell yourself. I never shared this side of my story with anyone.  But you inspired me to do so to try to help you avoid the trap.   I pray you will make a wise decision.  Good luck and God bless.

[glassguy]

Wow!!!! you sure got alot of attention. now do the RIGHT thing choose life!!! :-) :-) :-)

[gnarly_1]

Hey....well from what you sound like you need some help  the drugs your using can and will kill you eventually ....this disease  will suck you in and spit you out... it is no longer a party if it is just you there alone we have the opportunity to see this happen here on the forum it is not prity and your in the last stages of addiction and it can happen to any  body the thing here is your disease will lye to you   ''o im not so bad   I only use on the weekends the problem is it is going to take more and more to get you high have you thought about what your going to do when it quits working for4 you??  cocaine works on the pleasure centers of your brain the addict in you still wants to get high the problem is when you stop you go into some serious depression then the desire to get high or this will not work.. as for strong will it is not enough if it where there would be far less people here now lets draw a time line first the money will run out next you will loose your bissness next you will loose your girl  so ask your self is it really worth it??? I hope you find comfort in our forum if you truly want to quit we will walk you threw it but the desire to get clean must excide the desire to get High....personally I dont think your ready yet you cant do this half assed your ether in out out I wish you all the luck in the world I  hope you make the right dession  sorry I dont candy cote it when it trully is life or death................Gnarly.................................

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

I had to talk to my hubby before I gave you the following information because it IS his story and I wouldn't bandy it all about without his permission.

As said earlier, he would shoot or snort just about anything. Earlier postings told you what could happen to you healthwise in the future.  I'm going to tell you exactly what happened to my hubby.

He was married once before me.  She was into the drugs also.  They had 3 children and were so dysfunctional it isn't even funny.  Fast forward through the divorce and single drug years.  Then he met me, liked me and wanted to date me.  At that time all I did was have a drink occasionally.  Since I grew up with a violent alcoholic I told him that he had to make a decision...me or the drugs.  Luckily he chose me and life....unfortunately most of the damage has been done.

This is what he has gone through medically over the last 10 years...most of it points back to his heavy drug usage:

10 years ago he had a liver transplant...he almost died that time.
2-1/2 years ago he had open-heart surgery (related to the drug he has to take to suppress his immune system
1 year ago another open heart surgery
11 months ago lung surgery to remove a lobe due to cancer
All of these things are related to the damage he did to his body.  

He also has other issues:  Arthritis...degenerative and RA, diabetes, and COPD.

This is what you may be looking forward to.  My hubby started out recreationally too.  He also had the same attitude as you.  Well I work hard, I'm successful...don't I deserve a little fun?

Do you want to risk a future like this?  I hope not because we have both been through hell...especially during the last year...months of which my hubby was so confused he didn't know if he had his pants on, he didn't know anything to be frank.  He still has memory issues.

He is now on disability which he hates....he had to give up the career he loved.  He is severely depressed though not as bad as he was.  He's finally learning to live the life he has instead of living like he's dead already.

For you, for your family and for the woman you love you need, in this one instance, look ahead instead of the one day at a time rule we usually follow.  You are still young enough to get out while you are ahead.

The damage my hubby sustain was done by the time he was 31 years old.

You are in my prayers.  I pray you do the right thing.

Hugz

[lulu747]

Hey drugsreality2507 and Welcome-

I just wanted to add in my two cents here about cocaine and alcohol specifically.  A decade ago I was a fairly successful actress who hung out with a bunch of other successful actors, directors, and film industry people.  Booze and coke were a BIG part of the scene.  I couldn't go to a party without someone offering me a big old line.  I indulged once or twice only to discover that i HATED the feeling of being high (I am not good with stimulants)  So after a couple of rough hangovers and feeling suicidally depressed about what I was doing to my body, I stopped.  I did however continue to hang with that crowd because they were my peers.  Please note that these were all extremely intelligent, highly successful people- some of them lawyers, some of them agents and business owners, and a lot of famous actors.
Over the period of a year or so I lost two of my dear friends to cocaine and ecstasy overdoses.  I remember the saddest funeral I ever attended of a 28 year old man who was a lawyer I had dated briefly before I realized how deep into the party scene he was.  There were over 800 people packed into the memorial home absolutely keening with grief.  A bunch of my friends went out that night to celebrate his life.
They celebrated with alcohol and tons of cocaine and ecstasy.
That was when I walked away entirely.  Even from one of my closest girlfriends who I knew was in deep.  I confronted her once about her problem but she laughed me off saying that she was just having fun.
Fast forward three years- she contacted me- she'd been living on the other side of the country and partying hard.  She'd lost her job, her home, her credibility and all of her friends.  She'd lied and stole from so many people that she'd been ostracized.  She'd had a near overdose on coke and booze and her family had flown out to intervene.
She went to rehab and is now a long standing member of NA.
She has a beautiful daughter and a very successful career as a fashion stylist in the entertainment industry.  She is beautiful, strong, and compassionate.  She is also the first person I called when I realized I had gone from using my pain medication to treat my pain, to using my pain medication to numb the trauma of my life at the time.

I have many other stories of perfectly wonderful and successful people whose lives have been destroyed by addiction.  Some of them have made it out the other side by the skin of their teeth and are living a life of recovery.  Some of them are still using and getting sicker every day.  Many of them are dead.

Please consider this.  You are playing with fire and you WILL get burned.  There is a reason you ended up on our forum today and a reason why so many of us are reaching out to you.  We recognize you as a member of our tribe of addicts.
Addiction is non-discriminatory.  It does not care about age or race or socio-economic background.  It seeks to destroy and is ALWAYS successful if not arrested.

I wish you the best Craig.  You've been given lots of info here.  We are all here to support you.
Peace
Lu

[VICourageous]

Good Luck and Do Not try to do it alone..This is a WE thing not a ME thing. The ME thing gets us in deep shiiit every time.
Try hitting a meeting. You just might find out you are not alone.
Bless

[drugsreality2507]

Thankyou all for your supportive words and sentiment. I have taken it on board and I know it's time to act.
I will keep u all posted with my slow, steady, arduous recovery. Peace.

[glassguy]

Ok you need to cut the chase and tell the woman you love more then anything.( just quoting you) and tell her you think you have a addition cuz you like to treat yourself to one night of partying alone by yourself because you've earn it! And because partying with her is not enough.you that is a start. I dont want  too sound like a a$$hole but that's how it starts,that's how the addition starts.So my friend be good too your girlfriend and yourself and get off the train you are getting on and please do the right thing stop the addition now!!!! Good luck my friend..

[VICourageous]

Wow! You brought some of us out from behind the screen here that have been on for awhile.
YES Addiction is a Disease. You should look it up in a more Scientific way. You will understand that it has nothing to do with Willpower!

I was in your shoes too! Back in the later 60s until 2 yrs ago this month.
I want to tell you that the longer you use the harder it is for the Brain Hormones/Chems to balance back.
PLUS One day you are Young and the next day you are WAY Older and you did not even get to Age Gracefully. Yep at age 14 until 56 I was a off & on user of it all..NOW if I could take it back I sure would. I cannot Stress enough how it will take everything away from you and maybe even your Life. I do not mean Material things right now..I mean your Spirit, your Fun Happy Personality, your Positiveness about Life. SURE Right now it is so much fun but there is a price to pay. It takes you down and it is so hard to get it back.
Trust some of us that have over a year or even at 2 years or more is what it can take for the brain to balance back if it ever balances back right at all!!!
PLEASE GET SOME SUPPORT!! Study all you can about Addiction. It does run deep!
I do wish you all the best that Life can give you!
Bless

[IBKleen]

Do you know other addicts that would come on here, post and recognize you? Why would your lady come on here? You sound paranoid honey.

[drugsreality2507]

Ok great I'll look at that as I've used the same name here as my Instagram? (Silly I know) but also yes, she wants to stop but in all seriousness it's me suggesting it when were a little drunk that keeps the habit progressing between us. I'm going to make a positive stand from here. This is a turning point and I can't thank you all enough. I'll keep you posted. (But will change my username) again, thank you.

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

That doesn't sound like a worth game plan....it just sounds like a way for you to put off quitting.  Just have to just quit....just like I had to destroy my pills in the bottle and throw them away...no "one last buzz" no "I'll start next week".  Please don't take this wrong...I'm not trying to be mean...I care...I want you and your loved one to have a wonderful life...and right now I foresee a different future for you.

[drugsreality2507]

Thank you nursegirl. I know your right, it just takes hearing it from someone else u know. Just for the record tho, I do have lots of hobbies, I don't want you guys thinking I'm a down n out? I play squash, tennis, golf, I read a lot, do yoga, I go to a meditation class one a week I have a full happy life, it's just this constant jackal n hide drug hobby that brings me into disrepute. Hence why it had to go. So with regard to at least making this feed (lifeline) anonymous, what can I do? I would like all your help to get through this but I also don't want anyone to recognise me and know my secret!

[nursegirl6572]

Also, I doubt she would be mad anyway...if anything, she should be proud of you that you were concerned enough to reach out for help.  It's not like we know you.

How do you think SHE is going to feel about you stopping?  Will she be willing to stop as well?

[nursegirl6572]

Unless you use the same internet "handle" that she's aware of on other sites, the only way she's going to find it is if she finds it on your pc or phone....that's easy to manage.

If you DID use a common id, the mods will allow you to change it.  

http://www.medhelp.org/contactus.htm

Honestly....she's going to have to find out soon enough.  If you REALLY want to take this seriously...that's going to HAVE to be one of your first steps...both for support AND because she's your main "partying" friend.

[nursegirl6572]

It's TOUGH to say goodbye....that's one of the biggest things people on here struggle with...even the people who ARE seeing negative consequences of their addiction...they still "love it" so much.

Cocaine does not need to be tapered.  I would never recommend anyone continuing to use a drug that is a crap shoot from using it one time to the next.

I would recommend seeking some addiction treatment, and start working through those urges and feelings, and start putting a plan in place....fun hobbies you can pick up...start a bucket list, etc.  So, instead of planning the next "x" amount of times you'll use before you stop...why not start planning the FIRST thing you'll do in place of using?

Also, this may sound silly or corny...but a lot of people recommend writing a goodbye letter to their drug of choice.  It's truly like a romantic relationship, and you will grieve it.  You have to find ways to get past that.  I'm not saying it will be easy either....but honestly, planning to taper yourself off is your addiction talking....your mind wants you to get those last few "hurrahs".  Countless people have ended up in very bad spots doing that.....for some it literally DOES end up being their LAST hurrah!  There's a million GOOD reasons not to ever use again...and there's only ONE bad one....because you want to.

I'm glad you're keeping an open mind....hang in there.

[drugsreality2507]

Ok **** I have just thought that this is all pretty Internet searchable right?! I have told my fiancé in the past of my problems, but I don't think she knows quite how prevalent they are, and the last thing I would want is for her to find out that I have spoken to you guys before her?! How can I make this feel invisible or delete it?! Slightly worried now!

[drugsreality2507]

Wow, ok, I know you have a very strong point. I understand the predicament I'm currently in and do see it could go one way or the other?! I do know you are right and I thank you for your response.
Problem is I bloody love a little nights escapism and wonder what the hell I would replace it with! But that's my problem to address!
I will start from now (or from the day before yesterday as that's the last time I used) and make a strong stand. I will set a goal of three weeks from now until the next indulgent (social) evening. And then extend it a week at a time from there, so it's 3, 4, 5, 6 weeks ect between uses, then eventual aim of no uses at all. Would you think this a worthy game plan,? As I feel the mental burden of saying never again may just force me into a desperate fix?

[IBKleen]

WOW..I have to be honest..you are scaring me. How many times I spoke those exact words. I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED to get high. Trust me honey, if they came up with a cure for the disease of addiction and I was able to use again? I would be the first person on line for that stuff. But it will not happen and I worked way too hard to get where I am today. My life is manageable and I don't need a drug to make me feel good. I am sincerely scared for you. You are no different then everyone on this forum and if you read some of the other posts you will see. You need to get honest with your lady and you both need to work on loving life without drugs. I really hope this happens for you.

[clean_in_ks]

Great post, girl~