Fell off the Wagon :(

[geoffreyallan]

Well, with the new year and a couple of family and friend get-togethers I fell off the wagon.  I just couldn't handle it any longer and to have to face a whole bunch of people too.  I was so fatigued and in so much pain and so restless that I just had to have a break.  I took some pain killers.  I got the smallest box the chemist sold and used them.  I feel pretty low and pathetic but it's over and done now and there is nothing I can do except start over.

I got up early today and went to the gym.  Did some slow laps in the pool and then 30 minutes on the bike.  In 11 weeks I'm going in a charity triathlon so that's my incentive to keep on overcoming this.

Take 2 here we go.

:(

[ang_811]

i just read this and just wanted to encrourage u to push past this, whats done is done and u cant do anything about it now..learn from ur mistake and move past it, try to focuss on what ur gonna do differently this time around....dont get to wrapped up in the guilt of using in the first place, as i know all to well that doesnt get us anywhere..focuss on the now, not the past and not the future..just the now..remember to take it one day at a time.......take care...angie ♥

[geoffreyallan]

What wonderful words to read when feeling so low.  Thank you soooo much each of you.

Cheers,

Geoff

[Katrina81]

Pick yourself up and keep going. Dont let the guilt and what not eat at you. You are a human being and we all make mistakes. Just hop back on that wagon and off ya go! Keep that chin up and start a new

[dede2121]

well mister, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on this wagon.
and what CATUF said.

[CATUF]

yup . . . relapse happens to most of us.  it happened to me more times than i could possibly count.

your statement "I just couldn't handle it any longer" reminds me of a point that was critical to my recovery:

Every time I tried to quit forever I failed.  I can't do anything forever and I'm certain to fail if I try.  I had been around recovery programs enough to know the whole "one day at a time" business, but that seemed like such BS to me -- a stupid trick like setting your watch 10 minutes fast if you find you're always running a few minutes late. But I would KNOW the watch was set fast, so it wouldn't work, and I KNEW that these recovery people were really talking about forever.

I finally grasped the real concept of one day at a time in my 2nd rehab.  I was meeting with a counselor and she wanted to know why I was so worried about relapsing when I got out.  "Because I always do," I told her, "sooner or later I always relapse."  She wanted to know if I was going to use today.  "(long sigh) No, but you don't understand, sooner or later . . . "

"No, YOU don't understand," she interrupted.  "If you're not going to use TODAY, then you're doing everything that recovery requires of you -- you're doing everything you CAN do."  

I thought about that for a while and it finally hit me -- "Oh my God.  Do you mean that when you guys say 'one day at a time,' you REALLY MEAN 'one day at a time?'"  She smiled at me and said "yeah, we REALLY mean it.

Finally getting that simple, simple point made all the difference to me.  Until that moment I was, at best, a failure waiting to happen . . . because I KNEW that sooner or later I would use.  After that moment I became a success, because I wasn't going to use THAT DAY.  It didn't matter what if might use tomorrow, I wasn't worrying about tomorrow today.  I was only worrying about today, today.

What a difference it made to me to walk around feeling like a success instead of a failure.  There were many days when I felt like I couldn't take it any more, and I told myself "that's it, I'm using tomorrow."  And I meant it . . . I WAS going to use tomorrow, just not now, not today.  By the time each such tomorrow arrived I was in a good enough place that I could at least put it off again.

In that manner I began to string days, then weeks, then months, then years together.  Now I don't really have to work on not-using one day at a time, I haven't had a serious urge to use in a long time.  I'm a drug addict so I still have thoughts of using (or fully developed plans of how I could use in some specific setting without anyone finding out), but I just shake my head at that foolishness and I'm grateful for the reminder that I really, really am a drug addict.

What I do one day at a time is work on my recovery.  I can't work on my recovery tomorrow or next weekend, I can only work on my recovery today.  In a meeting this morning a wise someone said "we don't stand still in recovery . . . we're either moving forward or we're moving backward."  So, I try to keep moving forward, at least a little, one day at a time.

CATUF
2035

[Richda]

I'm sorry to hear that. I know I'm new and don't have the connections that some may have, but I the best advise I can give is that there is no going back, what is done is done and it sounds like you realize that and are moving forward.  I don't think there has ever been an addict that has put down the pills or the beer or whatever and walked away for the rest of their lives on the first try, it takes a couple to realize that when you slip you have the path of destruction and the path of sobriety. So the fact, that you realized that you slipped and this was a one time thing and you have chosen not only sober plans but charitable plans shows you can recover from this. i do agree with the poster above, after care like NA, would be an excellent replacement for the chemist and the pills in the box, when you are in your time of need.

[IBKleen]

Sorry to hear but like you said, it is over. Put it behind you and learn from it. Hopefully you will do things differently this time and guard yourself against another relapse. I am glad you found your way back...stick around!

[tomskat]

Hi there and sorry to hear about your bump in the road. It happens...I always say that out nibnd is our worst enemy. The important thing is that you recognize that it was a1 time deal and are back on the wagon again. I relapsed recently after 300-some days so I know what you're going through. theree any aftercare you can do,like NA or something?I wish you much success and peace...don't beat yourself up over this either.Just pick up and move on...you can do this.Stay strong and keep your guard up!!Good luck~Anne