Found heroin on boyfriend again! need some help please

[tiff7598]

Last week i found heroin in my boyfriends bag.  He had a bad problem with it for about two years and has claimed to not be using for the past year and a half.  We have been together for almost a year and moved in with me two months ago.  I found it on him a couple of months ago and he claimed that it was not what i think, that he had done it just once.  Like a fool i took his word for it.  Then last week i thought he was acting weird and something was not right so i looked in his bag and found three bags of herion.  When i confronted him he flipped out on me and told me he has just been partying a little that he does not have a habbit and that i am blowing it way out of proportion.  I am sick over this i dont know what to do. Do I kick him out, do i give him another chance? Also i bought a home drug test and he did not want to take it because he says it stays in your system for a month, i though it only stayed in your system for three days. is he lying about that to.  sorry this is so long but i wanted you to have all the info

[newmanagment]

i believe it only stays in the kidneys for three days like cocaine. IT is time to stop enabling him and treating him with kid gloves. tell him next time you find heroin in the house youll put his a** in jail. he wont quit using until he wants too, may even have to let him go on his own. but you CANT just let him continue to use and bring H into your home. lets face it , its illegal and you could go to jail, lose your home, etc if it is found in a place where your on the lease. if he wants to clean up-SUPPORT HIM if not , time to put him out till he wakes up. just my opinion, and i pray everything works out for you both...

[BBOXY]

Not sure how good your man is in the sack, but if he has a habit his sexual function will be off.  He will either last an usually long time, have problems keeping his wood, or he will not be able to get off.  When i was on oxycontin which is basically heroin sex was the only way my gf could tell i was high.  In my opinion as being an abuser is get your boy some serious help.  If hes partying with it hes abusing it.  There is no once a month or week with these drugs its all or nothing.  Either hes abusing or not using.  Good luck with your boy.  Hoep my advice helps.

[flmagi]

Sorry, but this guy is just lieing, lieing, lieing. You found it a few months ago and now you found some again. And these are just the ones you've found. Now he will get better at hideing it. If he won't take the test, he's still hideing it. I'd be giving him an ultimatum and if he says he's clean make him do a drug test once a week. But ya know he won't stop until he's ready. His drugs are the priorty now, you are not. Sorry this sounds so harsh but its true. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but chances are, right now he loves his drugs more. It's a tuff one with no easy answer.

[cathy5841]

sorry you are struggling through this.  he is most likely lying to you.  you can change him or make him quit.  i am a  believer in tough love.  you have to protect yourself.  i would give him an ultimatum.  then see what he does
cathy

[avisg]

if you found it a few months ago and found it again now i highly doubt he has stopped ,this just the only two times you have caught him .heroin is a very hard drug to kick i would say the hardest . Plz protect yourself first .

[dove3053]

It stays in your blood for 3 days. How did he get clean last time? Was he in rehab?

Dove

[tiff7598]

thank you every one for your help. I know i have to show him tough love but it is so hard.  He agreed to take a drug test when ever i give him one and swore it would not happen again but i know it is most likely ********.  My heart is broken, i feel so stupid. i wish i just had the strength to just kick him out.

[mr.lucky66]

Don't believe anything he says and go for the proof. It tuff but Junkies always lie I know I did. all the best

[MikeWithFamily]

Why Throw the baby out with the bathwater? Of course, you want to rid your home of the Heroin, but why get rid of the person using it. Should we all try and help those in need? I am a bit surprised at some of the responses saying "just kick him out" and stuff suggesting things other than assisting him.
Tiff, I cannot speak of your situation regarding Heroin. My DOC was Vicotin and I was consuming up to 40 vic's a day. I seeked treatment with my wife right by my side and it is because of her being with me that has made me not only clean, but strong enough to fight off urges and the other troubling feelings that come with it. I am on Suboxone and it works wonderfully. It is allowing me to deveoping healthier habits and patterns so that when I am off the Suboxone, I will have a fairly routine CLEAN lifestyle with lots of other thngs that bring excitment and stuff....I will not need the Vic anymore. If you love him, try to help him by seeking treatment. He is going to have to buy into it though and that might be the toughest part for you, having to put up with it until he seriously says; "I'm ready"....I really don't even know if that is the best way to go...you have to find a way that works I guess. But, I would not encourage you to just throw in the towel and kick him out. Try to help him. Make him realize that a woman who did not love him like you do would have kicked him out a long time ago. Make sure he realizes how lucky he is. Maybe that will be enough for him to say I want to get help...I don't know; But good luck t you Tiff.
MikeWith Family

[tiff7598]

Thank you MikeWith Family for comment.  I just dont know if that is the right way or not.  I would love to try and help him and have told him that he has to go to some kind of treatment or na, he agreed he would go if that is what i wanted him to do.  but he cant go for me he has to go because he wants help, atleast thats what everyone has been telling me.  And even if he does go i will always be worried about if he is lieing or not.I cant live like that.  I just dont know what is the best way to handel this.

[MizDemeanor]

Here is my 2 cents for what its worth. I hope I dont upset anyone but this touched off a need to speak my own truth to Tiff.
I dont know how old you are. I know when I was in my early 20's I was with my ex husband and he was an alcoholic and drug addict. I wound up pregnant and we got married, but only stayed married a few years. My son is in high school and I have to tell you he has been VERY hurt in his life by a relapse his dad had after 15 years of sobriety (almost all of my sons life at that point) He became homicidal towards his dad and then suicidal all in one day and had to be admitted to inpt treatment for a week due to the "breakdown" so to speak. This is from a child who was emotionally stable prior to watching his dad deteriorate over a period of time from relapse. (he is clean now thank gawd)
If you do not currently have children with him, you really might want to think about if you want to tie yourself up with an addict for life (ie if you got pregnant). Addicts dont get "cured" they "recover" and then they have to deal with what got them there and stay on top of it to stay clean after the initial detox. It's not an easy life by any means. For the addict or the partner.
With that said, and after watching ALL of the above, I became addicted to pain meds after an injury. I know I used the meds to escape some of the above, and all I did was almost cost my son another parent and more heartache. I've got tons of guilt for doing what I did with what I knew. I was so STUPID! I have NO excuse.
If you already have a child then if you want to help him, it's an investment in the child's future. Like Mike said above, recovering people need support, just like we all do.
I just wanted to throw out my story so that you could really think about your future. I didnt listen to anyone when I was young. I had to learn the hard way. (HARD being the operative word here)
I hope your bf does find sobriety and recovery. The life of an addict usually ends in either quitting, dieing, or going to jail. Please take care of yourself. We do care here!
Peace.

[tiff7598]

Thanks MizDemeanor.  I am only 26 and he is 36.  We dont have any kids thank god!. I could not imagine going through all this with a baby.  But what you said above is the reason i am so confused.  Because i do want kids, a lot of them and can i risk putting them through this there entire life but i do love him so much, the thought of kicking him out makes me sick.  

[lkw]

Hey girl, I just wanted to say I know how you feel.

Look at this way. No one is going to take care of you but you. You are ahead of the game because you are not married and don't have kids.

Let me tell you -- the lying will not stop. If you let him stay, just be prepared that it can and will most likely happen again.

I can only tell you what I think, having been in the position. My husband has been doing coke a ton and I caught him 3 times, the fourth time kicked him out. But I have two kids ages 2 and 4, so running off isn't as easy. I am 29, so I feel ya.

His first challenge is getting off that s***. It is so addictive and the withdrawal will hurt. Be prepared to be blamed, hurt, frustrated, and driven to your wits end.

By the same token, addicts are NOT a piece of trash and deserve to be thrown out. However, someone can only get clean if THEY want to get clean. And by letting him stay you are enabling him. Basically, you're saying, "Okay, you're screwed up, but you can still live here."

Unfortunately, I went the hard route and kicked him out finally -- and it got way worse before it got better.. He binged and came home high. But we are 10 days coke free, and as sad as that is, at least it's a start.

Try to get him at least to a Narc Anon meeting (google NA meetings). Again, you can't help him if he doesn't want help. Al Anon are meetings that support you.... I haven't been to one yet, as I have so little time, but they are supposed to be good.

I know the NA meetings really helped open up my husband's eyes. Another thing is triggers -- who he hangs out with and where he does it.

But first things first. He needs help. And you need to evaluate if it's worth it to you. :)

Hope this helps!
xo
Lexie

[tiff7598]

Thanks Lexie,
I did ask him yesterday if he would go to a meeting and he said yes, so lets see if he will really go.  It really is sad because he is a good person and we get along so well.  I just dont understand how he can do this to himself and me.  Its comforting know you understand how i feel, yesterday i just felt so alone in this.  I cant talk to anyone about it.  My family and friends would kill me if they knew what was going on, so i am trying my best to keep it all in but i really think i am gonna have a break down.  Also when i see him i look at him and feel so angry, and it is hard not to be short with him. Is that normal? I just want to shake him and make him see what he is doing to himself and me. Am I crazzy?

[lkw]

I compeletely understand the frustration. My husband and I have gotten into physical fights over this. It makes me crazy!!! I feel like he has total disregard for me and, more importantly, my kids. Against my husband's wishes, I told my mom about it, and it's really easy for someone to say "RUN!" when you love them -- and in my case, I have kids, a house, bills, etc etc. We have had our problems but this just far surpasses them, and it is so hard. He needs to realize how this is affecting you.

Last week, I had a sort of "nervous breakdown" and it really scared him. I think he finally realized how it was affecting other people and not just him. But the drugs make you lie. It's just how it is. It's warped logic. They don't see it.

I understand how you feel. I wish I could send you my email if it wasn't posted! I don't know if we are normal... but I definitely sympathize! I keep thinking about it, obsessing, and talk to him about it, he gets frustrated... it's horrible.

[mr.lucky66]

I don't mean to sound insensitive but you may want to move on. Narcotic addiction like heroin is often a lifelong thing and junkies like I was don't change for people they love. all the best

[newmanagment]

i disagree, i am a life long addict to cocaine, and i have to believe it is possible for us to take back control of our lives. it is not easy, it is not fun,it IS hard work, perseverence, and a dedication to staying clean. my wife loves me, sometimes i know she cant stand to look at me either!! but it gets better every day, and with this forum in my life she is starting to see changes that she thought she would never see.NA helps me alot, and i know it can help him if he wants it!! but he does have to make life changes.he will get frustrated, angry , and down right mean sometimes. but if he is staying clean, all these things will start to "peel away" as he grows further away from addiction. i know alot of people are saying run, but if something is tellin you to keep fighting , then fight for ur man.. he is in there , under a pile of sh*t , waiting for something to bring him back. i agree you cant enable him, no more of lettin it slide when he uses!! in NA he will learn about accountability. i still think some co-dependent meetings would help you , especially if you are gonna fight for him. im guessin when he is not using he has a biggg heart, am i right? good luck, many prayers , and much love....

[tiff7598]

Yes newmanagment you are right, when he is not using he does have the biggest heart. That makes all this even harder.  When i look at him i am so angry and hurt that i just wanted to start screaming at him even when i know he is not high.  I cant help it.  Some one else yesterday was telling me about the co-dependent meetings.  I never heard of them before.  I will have to search the internet to see if they have them on long island.  What do you guys think about asking him to take a drug test once a week.  They have the ones you can do at home.  Its the only thing that i can think of that will give peace of mind and know if he is lieing or not.  Are they accurate?

[toxictome]

There is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty.
Talks about co-dependency, boundries, etc...a great read!!!

Sorry you're going thru this...keep posting!!!

[mr.lucky66]

I said that hard core junkies like I was don't or can't stop for those they love. That doesn't mean that love is not enough or they all can't. Some few can stop for a love one but most hard core junkies like I was can't and feel terrible about that. After a certian time of doing hard narcotics, they sort of hyjack your brain. You want to desperatly quit for a wife or your family but often can't . This is the sad fact. all the best

[tiff7598]

Well I dont know what to say.  Last night my boyfriend was out untill 1am and said that he was at his friends house watching a movie. by the time he got home i was already asleep but he did not even wake me up to tell me he was home.  I cant stand this.  I was thinking of calling the friend to see if he was really there or not, but if he finds out that i called the friend he will freak out. Also there was a bunch a dialed numbers on his cell that i have never seen before.  Do you guys think i should call his friend or no?

[nuredshuz]

I dont think you should call the friend.  Your slowly getting sucked into a codependant relationship ~ thats where your addict boy friend is YOUR addiction.  If I were you, being so young and NOT married, I would tell him to move out.  I know it sounds harsh, but the further you get involved in this lifestyle of waiting, hearing the lies, struggling to believe the lies, being suspicious, asking for drug tests, going thru his sh!t, . . . . is that the way you really want to live? Maybe you could tell his family, his parents or his siblings.  toxictome has recommended to you an excellent book!! please read it and please do yourself a favor and tell him its time to move out.  The sooner he gets out of your environment the more peace your are going to have.  peace . . .:)

[mr.lucky66]

You need to accept that he is doing dope and probably won't stop unless something really bad happens. I was just like him and I can tell you you need to think about yourself and not as much about him. all the best

[MizDemeanor]

Sounds familiar to me. My ex used to go out for "smokes" and come home the next day with no paycheck (friday night) He would go so far as to get down on his knees and cry and beg me to give him one more chance. Now that Im older and more experienced I know he was hurting and after being addicted to pain meds and knowing the things *I* did to people I understand how he felt better than I did then. Boy do I regret all the things I said in anger "junky piece of ****" etc.
With that said, I still do not think it is a good idea to stay with him unless you want a life filled with chaos, lying, and worry. The other thing I know is that you wont leave until something either really bad happens, or you decide that you cant live like that anymore. He wont quit til he either hits a hard rock bottom or goes to jail, etc. You might want to look up Al Anon meetings in your area. They are the group that deals with the families of addicted people. Just reading your story has brought up hard, painful memories for me from 18 years ago. I feel your pain. Please....try to think of your future. Can you live like this for the rest of your life? If you stay with him, you very well may have to.
I wish my post was more what you want to hear. I know its so hard. Please take care of yourself.
Peace.

[tiff7598]

hey every one. Thanks again for the support.  well i confronted him about last night and he just got really mad and told me that nothing is goin on and i am overreacting.  That this is driving him crazzy and i am making him nuts.  he makes me think that i am over reacting. Its so hard because when he talks he makes me start to beleave him.  And i know that he is most likely just minipulating me. (sorry if i spelt it wrong)  I wish that i could just catch him in the act.

[newmanagment]

thats wut us addicts do, we manipulate the truth untill even we believe the **** that is coming outta our mouths!! i still think if you have caught him holdin dope twice, that is once too many. ditch him if he doesnt want to quit, or even talk about quitting, he still has a long way to go. best of luck and let us know how it goes

[house1]

Hi Tiff I deal with questions like this everyday and if you and I were sitting together in my office and you asked me that question I would answer in this way.
Heroin the king of all opiates is not something that you just dabble with to party once in a while.
I would tell him if he wanted to stay and continue the relationship he would have to check into an inpatient drug rehab for a minimum of 30 days.
He wont go for 30 he won't go for 30 minutes I can tell by your post. If he won't do it I would ask him to leave.
I'm not sure how you feel with him but he is lying to you right to your face is that someone you want to build a relationship with?

[house1]

Something else I would do is go to a CVS or Rite Aid and buy a drug test for opiates and tell him to take it when he came home. Don't give him any advance warning if you have a feeling something is wrong it probably is so to be sure tell him if he loves you to take a drug test for you after all if he is truly clean why would it be a big deal?

[cat9841]

dump him and watch intervention, or call the intervention people and get him help. he has to do it by himself and you cannot help him. after he is clean a year or so, then maybe you can work something out, but till then the problem is his and you need to detatch.

[flmagi]

This guy is not ready to get clean. Maybe he will never get clean, maybe he will. But chances are, what you have going on now is what you will have in the future, or worse.
Is this what you want? Is this realtionship making you happy now? I think you know the answer to this. But it hurts and you're postponeing the inevidable.

[nuredshuz]

you said "i wish i could just catch him in the act" honey, you found three bags of herion in his bag once and one bag another time.  What is catching him in the act if that isnt?? I dont mean to sound harsh, but you are in denial and you are on a fast track to a life of bu!!sh*t.  You are going to be sucked right into a codependant relationship in which you will loose your self in the cycle of HIS addiction!  He is not your husband and you have no babies with him.  Why would you continue in this?  You are young, you have so many other options.  There are plenty of nice guys out there who would love to give you the respect and love you deserve.  Get out now before you go any further down a road that is gonna suck you into a bunch of lies, manipulation, checking, calling, looking thru his stuff, wondering, worrying, getting pissed off, getting sad, feeling victimized, feeling better than him, calling some more, checking on him here, there and everywhere.  I really hope that you take care of you and get him the heck out of your place...peace

[avisg]

we as addicts get defensive when we are using ......... we try to twist it around ..... we will manipulate things any way we can to continue our using .The other thing that concerns me is he using the heroin by needle ..... There are many risks here hepatitis HIV plz go to the doctor for a good check up and blood work , Let the doctor know you have a boyfriend that uses heroin..... Even if he says he is not this is your life plz don't put it at risk.

[Mariahwent7]

You need to help him. He may not believe it is an addiction.  You need to convice him to get help because this could easily ruin his life.  Help get him into rehab but definatly don't just leave him this will only make it worse.  

[newmanagment]

im sorry mariah, but i disagree, which i usually dont do.. but leaving him will make it worse. make wut worse, his drug use. she is totally getting suked into a codependent relationship!! and she needs to convince him he has a problem???wake up , we as addicts cant be convinced we have a problem , except by ourselves. sorry , i just dont understand where your advice is comin from????

[avisg]

You cant stay because it will make him worse , its going to get worse whether you are there or not ..... addiction is progressive until you are in recovery ,it gets worse over time .
YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR HEALTH .
It his job on his own to get into recovery , He has to do this because he wants to get clean . Not because you busted him using .
This is not a healthy environment for you ,if he gets clean  then go from there but if he truly wants to get clean for a while he needs to be on his own .so he is put everything into getting well .

[house1]

Newmanagement people here are just voicing an opinion. I was married to three of them and let me tell you if you listen to there lies over and over and week after week month after month sometimes year after year.
She is talking about Heroin one of the most addictive drugs in the world.
In many instances Heroin is used with a needle which is stuck into a vein in their body.
This is not someone taking to many Tylenols for a headache this is a dope addict.
If I was married and had kids yes then I would give them all the opportunities to get clean.
A boyfriend are you kidding me? A man is not attractive to me that shoots Heroin lies all the time get very upset when I find Heroin bags in his possession and instead of saying I need to get some help and stop this horrible disease from crippling me but instead just lie some more and get all upset defending their addiction. Sorry but I think your dead wrong I would dump that bum in a NY minute, but that is only my opinion and I respect yours as well.

[newmanagment]

so wutcha point wit me house? i was suggesting she leave the whole time, and help from afar, and why did ya marry three of them?  i was replying to the post above me , where mariah was saying dont leave him ,it will make it worse. iwas askin MARIAH why she would say that. so wut now?

[Ghilly]

Sweetie, I know this is your relationship and not mine, but if I were you, I would get off on my own and away from this guy.  He's obviously not ready to stop using, and as long as he's not ready, he's only going to lie to you about it.  And because you love him and want to believe him, you will believe him, but you're only kidding yourself and enabling him to continue using in the process.  You've been together a year, true enough, but unless he decides to get clean, it's going to have been a wasted year, and the longer he doesn't get clean, the more of your life is going to be wasted.  You're so young, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't use it up waiting around for someone who doesn't seem to want to help himself.  If, after you leave, he is jarred back to reality by losing you and decides to get clean, then go back if you love him.  But sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.  You said that you want kids, but do you want their dad to be a heroin addict?  You'll never know whether or not he's telling you the truth about where money went, or where HE went...  please take care of yourself and worry about YOU as much as you're worrying about him, because your worry over him is wasted unless he is worried about himself as well.  I know it's really easy for me to say, because I'm not in your situation, but you have so much life to look forward to, don't tie yourself down to someone who doesn't want to help himself and lies to you about what he's doing.  

Ghilly

[avisg]

I think you missunderstood newmang post he , was upset that someone would suggest she NEEDS stay with him .
avis

[tiff7598]

Thanks guys, you have know idea how this site is helping me right now.  You guys are the only thing i have right now.  Yesterday i got home from work at 5:30 and he was sleeping.  I tried to wake him up around 7 and said he does not feel good went back to bed and did not wake up till 4:30am!  So this morining i left him a note basically saying that i know he is lying and that maybee he should leave because i cant live like this anymore.  The lies and the ******** and that he does not even think about how he is hurting me.  My stomach is in knots right now, waiting for him to wake up and read the letter.  I feel like i am going to puke!  God please give me the strengh to tell him to get out! And not cave into his lies.

[MizDemeanor]

Tiff,
There is another thing no one has mentioned that could be dangerous to you. Confronting and giving ultimatums to a high person who doesnt want to stop can be PHYSICALLY dangerous. NOTHING is as important as his heroin right now. Not even himself. If you try to take it from him he could get violent. As I stated before I was married to a hard core coke addict when I was your age. I can promise you it was NOT pretty. Please honey....just get some back up when you put him out, if you are planning that. I am not saying that he definately would get violent but it does happen. He is not in his "right" mind, and anyone or anything trying to stop him from getting his drug is going to make him mad.
Please take care of yourself. This is going to affect the rest of your life if you stay with him, and more than likely not in a good way.
Peace.

[nuredshuz]

Good for you girl!!  I hope and pray you have the strength to stay strong even when he tries to manipulate you and lie to you so he can have "one more chance" to stay there and behave.  He is gonna be lying to you when he says all that sh!~t.  He is a herion addict and he needs rehab help.  He isnt gonna be able to quit that stuff on his own.  If he goes for the help, great, God bless! Please remember your health is JUST AS important as his, you need sanity and for you it is him OUT either in rehab or gone.  You have support here and I hope you try and get some face to face either in al anon or some other type of support group.  I really am routing for ya.  peace ~

[mr.lucky66]

He was sleeping and felt bad because he was coming off dope. It makes you sleepy when it wears off then you wake up and feel worse. You are doing the right thing. He needs to go and not drag you down with him. all the best

[treglx]

If your goal in life is to have kids, then it is  your responsibility to to find the best man to be the father of your kids. Be smart about it. As of now you aren't married to, or have kids with this guy. Cut your losses.
There are alot of fish in the sea.........why start out with problems?

[MizDemeanor]

Tiff are you out there? I'm thinking of you and what happened when the bf woke up (if he has yet) and read the letter. Please know we are here for you and please keep us posted. I cannot quit thinking about what you are going through, believe me girl, been there done, that, the tshirt slucked, LOL.
Hang tough, and please let us know how you are. Also please remember what I said about confrontations. If he gets mad, get OUT of his way.
*tapping fingers on desk, hoping Tiff is ok*

[tiff7598]

HI MizDemeanor,

Yes i am fine. I stopped home on my lunch break at work to see if he was up yet.  He was not there so i called him and he acted like nothing was wrong.  I asked him if he even read the letter, he said he looked over it real quick! What an *******!  Then i told him that he should start making arraingments to go somewhere else because i cant take it any more and that he should go to rehad.  he got really mad and said i dont know what the hell i am talking about and he would make other arraingments and hung up the phone on me.  I just dont get how he can have the nerve to be mad at me! I just dont get it! And he also said that he was tired of me telling him what he is doing and what he should do.  I just hope he is gone by the time I get out of work because i just dont want to face him.  But dont worry the people who live up stairs from me will be home so i wont be there with him if he flips.

[MizDemeanor]

Thanks for letting me know, Tiff. I hope he is gone when you get home. Sounds like he is out of junk for now, hence his anger and bad behavior towards you. Dont take it personally that he is "mad" its typical behavior. He's mad at the world right now. Hopefully you putting him out will make him realize he does need treatment. If he doesnt, then he wasnt going to stop while living with you either, and now its going to be in HIS court to do something or not. Always remember, its not something you created and you cannot "fix" it. (I know thats harder than it sounds) I hope he does seek treatment, and gets his life in order.
Hang strong my friend, and please keep us posted. We do care. *hug*

[worried878]

You are young..I would run..I know you love him but we do not always love what is best for us..If he is not willing to stop or get help...i would get out...thats me,,,you have alot of life left to live...it will not be any fun with a junkie or addicted person...I knew if I ever wanted a relationship, I had to give it up....people dont like addicts for relationships unless they are one as well...then I guess it really gets crazy...keep posting

[MizDemeanor]

Tifffffffffffffff are you out there? What happened last night with the bf? I hope you are doing ok. I am sending positive energy your way, please catch it ;)
Peace

[mr.lucky66]

I hope he is gone. Junkie's emotions and reations don't make sense. I was that junkie, sort of. all the best

[mak17]

i have been reading all of this and think you have done the right thing if he is gone.
i am putting my fiance through my addiction and w/d right now and know how much it is affected the trust we have.  i also know if i do not stick to my word to get off of this and recover, that trust will be gone and i will lose someone who cares so much about me and is willing to fight through this with me.  your bf has destroyed your trust.  he needs tough love from you.  you have sufferred enough and have to start your own recovery;  i know it takes so much strength but it sounds like you are getting there.  just as he needs to feel it is time to get over his addiciton, YOU need to realize it is time to treat yourself better as well...no one can  tell you when that will be.  stay strong and remember your worth.

[tiff7598]

Hey every one.  Could not post in a couple of days, i have been home sick with pneumonia and could barely move.  Well friday night he called me and asked if he could come home because he had no where else to go so i felt bad and was to sick to argue and let him.  Saturday morning he was cranky and irritable, I left to go to the doctor early and by the time i came back he was done he said he had stuff todo.  by 9pm i was really pissed he knew how sick i was and did not give a ****.  He kept calling n saying he would be home soon and of course he just never came home.  He did not call me till monday.  I was so upset that the first thing i said to him was when are you comming to get your ****. He blew up at me calling me selfish and all i do is worry about me and the he is going through alot of **** right now and all i say is come get your stuff.  Guys am i crazzy? What the hell did he expect me to say to him.  It turns out that he totaled his car at 2am in the morning but i did not know that. but besides that what were you doing driving into the city at 2am.  he really must think i am stupid!!!!  Is it me? am i being selfish? Then he had the nerve to call me yesterday and ask if he could come home and i told him no.  It took everything i had to tell him no but i did it.  I miss him so much its killing me.  but he is just in such denial that he is using.  God i hope i am doing the right thing!

[tiff7598]

Latest update. It turns out my boyfriend checked himself into a detox on monday.  He will be there till saturday.  This is my big problem, he wants to come back home and i dont know if i should let him.  He promises that i can drug test him when ever i want and that he is done with it.  I just dont know what to do.  i know its a good thing that he went to detox but it is not a rehab.  Do i let him back in under the terms that he has to continue treatment in an outpatiant thing and have to get a job right away and give him this one last chance or do i just tell him no.  I miss him so much its killing me but i am terrified at it all happening again.

[FLaddict]

Can he get into a half way house or some kind of "sober living" place?? Having him come home after only a week in detox is not a great idea. I think he and you both need more time. Addicts will tell you what they think you want to hear so they can gain your trust back. I don't think its a good idea to let him back after only a week. Maybe a month of him being clean, and then with strict rules like outpatient, random drug testing, and NA meetings.
For you, some Alanon meetings would be great. Also some co-dependency counseling. You need to be strong and stop supporting his choice to kill himself.