Reflections...

[Carrie76]

You know,...I have done alot of reflecting these past few days, and it is amazing to look back to where I came from, to where I'm at now.

Now I can honestly  and safely look at my babies and NOT feel the urge to write out letters to each of them telling them how much I loved them and how I wished I was there with them but arent because the drugs took my life.

I remember those days, when I would look at them and tears would come to my eyes because I honestly didn't know if I was still gonna be alive that evening or not.

The days when I would snap my kids heads off and scream at them to go to there room because they were bugging me while I was frantically and desperately ransacking the house for change to buy some more pills cause I was out and had no money to buy more.

The days when I would be in my car starring at the pills in my hand bawling because I was about to take them even though I despised them, and hated them with a passion.

The days when my oldest child, kaitlyn-8, would see me take pills and start gagging because my throat no longer was able to swallow pills easily. It was like my throat and esphagous was trying its best to reject what I was trying to swallow down.

The days when I would forget how many pills I had taken last, or how long ago I took some, and I would take more, and realize afterward that I must have took way too many cause my heart would feel like it was about to beat out of my chest and I would become clamy and my hearing would fade in and out and I would have no pupils hardly in my eyes. I would be terrified that I was about to die and I would rush to the tiolet to try and throw up some hoping to get some out of my system, and that it wasnt too late.

Alot of people who take types of speed die in there sleep, with no warning, they go to sleep and just never wake up again. I can remember OFTEN going to sleep wondering if this was gonna be it, would I wake back up again??

These memories were horrible and I dont EVER want to go through that again. I will always hold these memories close to my heart as a reminder to me of the DEMON that took control of my life. These were BAD times and I don't care who you are or what you take, but If you do use, then this WILL happen to you eventually. Never,Ever feel that you can "control" it because you can't. Thats what the demon wants you to think so that it can get its grasp on you, and alot of times, by the time you realize your in trouble, it already has a death grip on you.

Stay far away,...Don't give in,....Do it for yourself, your spouse, your kids, your family, but mostly do it for your LIFE!!

[indenial687]

Your reflections mirror my own, although I never had to raid any piggy banks or anything because I had legal scripts, I still feel the same.  Now my drugs are my children, particularly my 11 month old because he needs me so much.  I was cuddling him today and telling him that he's my drug, but the benefits are that there's no withdrawals and I can have as much of him as I want. lol!  

[Carrie76]

Awww....you guys really know how to melt a persons heart and give them all sorts of warm fuzzies:)  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Bug1964]

All I can say is just Thank You for reminding me.        

[KeepTheHope]

wow good post. thanks for showing me it. gosh I hardly see my kid but for some reason she loves me to death! I make her happy and she is full of love.  if somebody had to ever tell her that she would NEVER see me again, that would hurt her so much that the mention of it makes me cry. and i'm not a real kid friendly kinda guy so I dont know why she likes me so much. and i never cry. but this topic makes me cry :-( Anyway, that was Very powerful, very strong, and I'm glad you made it out!!! Just another REASON to quit my use!! thank youl

[Mommy_needs_help]

Your so awesome girl! What a wonderful post.
You totally right - we should look back to appericate where we are!
I'm glad to be back and remember that the reason I was here in the first place was to get support.  You are doing so great!  I'm so proud of you!
(((hugs)))  Sasha

[tzt2lady]

Wow!    You really nailed that one!    We truly have so much to be grateful for, dont we?    Your babies are so fortunate to have such a great parent.    Im so glad you are living today and that you are so aware of where you came from.  That spark you have for life is just admirable.

tzt

[allaboutmary]

This forum is so great !  It is so nice to have people understand. I would have thought you read my mind or knew me really well. LOL    I am so happy for you and your children , and me.lol  Happy Halloween ! Stay clean and happy.

[hillary5]

I can totally relate!! especially this part  "The days when I would snap my kids heads off and scream at them to go to there room because they were bugging me while I was frantically and desperately ransacking the house for change to buy some more pills cause I was out and had no money to buy more ... god, do i remember that ... and taking cans and bottles back for returns ... be and my best friend would do that .. fill up the back of the mountaineer w/returnables and come back out w/$60 or 70.00 ... that was one of the moments i thought, how pathetic are we .. or am i .. anyways ...

thanks for the great post and i too will remember all the terrible things i did to get pills to remind myself that i will never do it again ... especially raiding the piggy banks .. yeesh!! .. i'm feeling bad all over again ... anyways, happy halloween .. peace!  traci

[Carrie76]

Thank you Marce4:) It is SUCH a great reminder, and helps us realize what we pulled ourselves out of:)

[Marce4]

AMEN! Thanks for that great post....I'm sure that many of us have been in those shoes and no matter how pleasant those memories, hopefully that will be the impetus to keep us clean!
Peace!