Had a huge fight with my wife

[Bad_Obsession]

Not sure how many of you are familiar with my story....but I am 11 days clean from a 20+ pain pills per day addiction.  Up until now, my wife has been completely understanding and supportive since I openend up to her about it.  She has been my leaning post since day one.  Last night, we got into a HUGE fight.  I'm not even really sure what brought it on, but I think she is getting tired of waiting for me to get better.  I think she is tired of me being tired all of the time.  I think she thought this would just be over in a week or 2 and I would be completely back to my normal self.  She called me a fu*king pillhead.  She said I am stupid.  She said she thinks I am getting off to easy with this whole thing and that it shouldn't be easy for me.  I don't think she has any idea how much damage my addiction has done to my body and mind, and she expects this miraclous recover that only takes a week. I told her it could take 2 years for me to get back to normal, and she yelled at me that I better pray it doesn't take that long.  I understand I hurt her by lying to her.  I understand she doesn't trust me know, and I expected that.  But for her to be one way for 1 1/2 weeks, and then completely the opposite now....it's throwing me for a major loop.  She said things last night that literally ripped the heart out of my chest.  She's thinking about leaving now.  I don't really know what to do.  This stress is really really making me crave.  I felt great yesterday, and now I am feeling like day 3 again.  My muscles are all tense and creepy feeling, my mind is racing and I am craving soooo bad.  I don't think she understands this...and I don't think she understands how much of a trigger me and her fighting is.  I just don't think she understands....and I'm not sure she we will make it thru my entire recovery.  God!  When I prayed and prayed for someone to help me, and I cried and cried for a savior...she stepped up and stood by my side.  She was my knight in shining armour and she swooped in and picked me up.  Now...that's changed.  God...it was so beautiful what she did.  Why did she have to ruin it?  F*ck!

[dominosarah]

How great is this to hear you are both going to take care of yourself.  I am really happy for you both.....Keep us posted          sara

[Bad_Obsession]

Hey guys.  First, let me say that I really appreciate all of your support. You guys really turned my day around and made me see and understand things a little differently.  I decided not long after reading your posts, that I cannot control her, or what she does.  I can however, control myself.  And I will make it thru this and remain clean with or without her.  I have family and friends behind me.  I have you guys behind me.  I hope and pray that she stay around for the new and better me in the near future.  I think I have a better understanding of what is going on with her now that I have talked to you guys.

I talked to her a little while ago.  She went to work and started checking out Alanon meetings that she can go to so she can learn more about addiction and living with someone who is an addict.  She’s trying to understand and for that I am sooo thankful.  It is a true test of her love for me.

I am checking into NA also.  I plan to go today or tomorrow.

I have to go now.  I wish I could write more, but as you can imagine, work is getting pretty impatient with me as well as my wife.  Thanks again everyone!

[dominosarah]

This is very common to have happen and you are right, she doesnt understand.  This is all new to her too and she has been hit emotionally in the heart also.  Our families have taken the brunt of our addiction and it is important that she gets some help too.  Alanon would be a good starting point for her as she is dealing with anger and the lack of trust.  We cant expect them to understand right away as it is alot to take in.  Would she come to the forum and read and she can always make her own post and vent also?  As for you, you stay in your recovery as using is not an option.  Our actions speak louder than words and she will see you are serious but it takes time.  Stay focused on your recovery for you first and the rest will fall into place.  You will get thru this.........sara

[Addict63]

I ran into that problem with my wife also my friend. Us getting clean is stressful to the people who love us. My wife is completely untreated when it comes to dealing with what's going on with me. She wakes up in the morning, and for a moment everything is all right, and then the thought of my addiction, and recovery settles back in again. Every morning. It's a big thing in her life. And when something ELSE happens, doesn't matter how small, it sets her off. Stress piles up.

Just remember it won't be like this forever. Just for the moment it's like this. I try to stay in the now, not years down the road. I cleaned up from the opiates, but now I'm working on Ambien and I wonder if my CNS will ever be the same again.

But if I have a problem and I use, then I have TWO problems.

Keep the faith Obsession.  

[opiateswon]

I just wanted you to know that I"m thinking of you and I believe we must face the damage we have caused our loved ones because of our addiction. As a wife of an addict, I get so angry at how thoughtless my spouse has been because of the pills and I want to give up at times. But if your wife loves you as unconditionally as I hope I am loving my husband, this fight will be a milestone for you both. My husband is the safest person for me to vent on and sometimes I go overboard and place walls from it. You must focus on what you can control and realize what you cannot. Try to do something for her without her asking even though I know you don't want to do anything. Stay positive about your recovery and see this fight as a test of your will because that is exactly what it is. Remember: She has to get it all out to move forward with you.

[refusingbondage]

So sorry for your troubles.  One of the things I had a hard time accepting was the selfishness that comes with getting clean.  Everything gets turned upside down.  One of our CLs the wonderful dominosarah said to me "getting clean was the most selfish thing Ive ever done" and there is much truth to that.  BUT its a good selfish.  Things will change.  You will change.  And yes, for now YOU and your recover are number one.  In time, your wife, your family and friends will all benefit from this. Non addicts just dont understand and that's ok.  They shouldnt.  I cant tell you how many times Ive been told by my partner and family and friends - "Alright already -get over it". Just be patient with her.  You love her and she obviously loves you very much.  Recognize this as a trigger and don't let it bring you down.. certainly dont use it as a reason to relapse. Continue working on you.  When her anger and frustration subsides she will have a clean, sober and loving husband.

[kajama]

I am so very sorry what you are going through and know how bad a trigger it is. Just to let you know you are not alone in this. My husband is a preacher and was used to counsil people everyday on addiction and lots of other things. When I had to detox on my own, he tried at first but after a few weeks he wasn't prepared mental for what was going to happen. He understood it from an outsiders position and wasn't prepared on how to live with an addict. Our families say things they don't mean due their stress about the situation.  I know it is hard for you and it hurts, but maybe just look at it as her time to vent. I hope yall are able to work things out..........Take care

[PoochieRachetToe]

Wow, I am really sorry you have to put that on top of your recovery. I have to agree that it appears something has built up inside of her. My wife was devastated and extremelly embarassed of me. She vented by making me realize everyone's life that it had affected.
No matter what you need to hang in there and continue beating this. I believe she has read other things and is afraid you can't beat this, not realizing that you do need her help to continue your path of recovery. I was very tired in the beginning but, I would go and do everything I could. Assist her with the shopping, goto the park etc......... It was great exercise to build up my energy levels again. Honestly, it worked. We do everything together and I'm back to working around the yard again. I've been 40 days I think. I'm back to who I was. My thread "most mentally challenging thing I've endured" could be of use to you and her. It isn't too long. Just informative.

Don't fall back now, you're making great progress. Prove to her you are stronger than the addiction.

[atthebeach]

i am the wife of a recovering addict .he has been clean for 56 days. he used  methadone and xanax for 14 years of our marriage. i dont need to tell u what he put me through u know. i to have days when i am very supportive and days when i still remind him of what he has put my children and i through. i tell him he deserves his withdrawal. he has been in a rehab all this time but we see and talk to each other very often. physically it took him about 3 weeks by the GRACE OF GOD to start to eat and now feel so weak. he has nights when he still only sleeps 3 hours and some nights 6 hours. his mind is starting to catch up. but i sometimes tell him he has def. lost brain cells. yes we the spouses were very hurt and def. can twist the knife. we need to feel compassion for you( the recovering user) and you als need to feel compassion for us. it will be a long road. it didnt take one or two weeks to get to this point and it wont take one or two weeks to get out of it. time is a healer. 4 months ago i wanted to kill him and was def. headed for divorce. i was very tired. he finally came to the end of his rope thank GOD and decided to get clean. i am standing by him now and have put the divorce on hold. try not to fight i know it is hard. let her read my post and she can even message me if she wants i can let her know that i know how she feels. well pray for wisdom and try to listen more than speak. let her vent.
i will pray for you both,
debbie

[LongerDays]

I'm sorry about what's happening. One thing I did during early withdrawal was to find posts on this Website from people going through withdrawal who talked about how hard it was, what they were going through, and how they were dealing with it. I printed them out and showed them to my significant other so she would get an idea of the process and know I wasn't exaggerating.

Maybe it's worth a try?

LD

[Bad_Obsession]

Thank you so much rue.  

[rue10]

I'm sorry this happened.  But try not to freak out.  Try to remain calm.  The worst thing you could do is use now.  You've come so far.  Maybe she was having a bad day?  Maybe she's scared and that's what contributed to her behavior?  Maybe she can't vent her frustrations differently right now.  She seems like she really loves you and want to help you.  I think her going to an Naranon or Alanon meeting would help her begin to understand what happens to loved ones who are addicted.  It will also help her to take care of herself.  

Please remain the strong person you are.  Don't give in to this awful addiction.  You're moving foward and we're all rooting for you.  You will be no good to your wife, son or anybody if you take another pill.

I'm praying for you and your family.