Help And Support Please (Hydrocone Addiction)

[Sanchez97]

Hello everyone.  Not sure if I am supposed to start my own thread, but I wanted to make sure people read it.  I have been addicted to pain pills in the past.  I have quit several times.  The longest I lasted was a year.  However, I am using again.  I don't have a reason or excuse.  My life hit a very stressful time and I began taking hyrdrocodone again.  I take 3-4 7.5mg hyrdros/day, which is much less than what I've been into before.  But it doesn't change the fact that I still have a problem.  The last time I quit was when my wife found out.  I'm lucky to still have her.  I believe I lasted about 6 months that time.  I always tell myself I can quit whenever I want.  LOL.  Easy to say.  But here I am again, and she has no idea.  I have easy access to them at work.  I never take them home or into my house.  In fact, I rarely take any on the weekend.  But come Monday morning, I'm right back at it.  I feel like a bad person.  I break down into tears when I look at the pictures of my family in my office.  I feel like I am failing them, and myself.  I keep saying to myself that I will quit, but I haven't.  I'm not being a good husband or dad.  Sure, I do everything a dad is supposed to do.  I mow the yard, grill for the family, give baths, clean, feed the baby, change diapers, go on walks with the family and so on...  But I am blowing my family's money on pills and I simply don't feel like the man I used to be, and could be.  I have always quit on my own, cold turkey.  But I haven't ever seeked help, not even online. So here I am.  I have 2 and 1/2 pills in my drawer at work, and I want those to be the last I take.  I have been reading this forum all morning, right after I took 1 and 1/2 pills.  I know 3-4 pills 5 days a week may not sound like much to some people, but it doesn't change the fact that it has consumed me.  That is also a lot of money when you are paying street value.  I want to quit without my family and friends finding out there is a problem.  If I fail, then perhaps I will open up to everyone.  But my hope is that I can do this on my own, with help from people on here.  I have a prescription for klonopin (panic disorder).  It is legite.  I take onlly take 1mg/day, even though I am prescribed 2mg/day.  I'm hoping that the klonopin might help ease the withdrawal.  I've never abused klonopin, always take less than prescribed.  Anyway, sorry for the long rant.  I have decided to quit tomorrow.  I just want to be a good husband and dad.  I want to quit living a lie.  I want to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.  So wish me luck and good luck to everyone else.  I'm all ears.  Best wishes.

[newchapter523]

Sanchez,

I just read all your posts. You are Strong and doing awesome on your own. Use your  wife and family for inspiration!!! YOU CAN DO IT!! you should be so proud... I am right there with you on day 21 and the urges come and go but we have to FIGHT through. This is SO much better than being a slave to pills. Good luck and keep reaching!!

[amarw]

I am crying right now as I read your posts. I am on day one and in a similar situation as you were in, except I am getting married in 11 days and I have tried several times over the last 10 months to stop using. I never took more than 4 pills a day so I am hoping that it won't be that bad. I usually made it to day 3 and felt ok and then my brain said the same thing, "see you can detox whenever you want." I don't want to look my future husband in the eye on our wedding day with pinpoint pupils and not really feeling the emotion that I should be. He knows when I detoxed about 4 months ago but doesn't know that I started again. So this is it...I only have 11 days to get back to normal. I'm thinking that with all the wedding excitement and last minute planning it will help get my mind off of them! Day one I'm feeling a little icky, sweaty, didn't sleep well, it's been 16 hours since my last dose. Thank you Sanchez for your post, it lets me know I can get through this!!

[Sanchez97]

14 days.  Starting to feel "normal" again.  Been going on more walks with the family and sex life much better.  :-)  Full of energy some days..completely drained other days.  Best wishes everyone.  I'll be in touch.

[Sanchez97]

Just wanted to let everyone know I'm still clean.  Fatigue main problem right now, but that comes with work and two kids anyway.  But I can tell I don't have my energy back yet.  Sometimes I want to take one just for some energy (that's how they affect me), but I haven't and I'm confident I won't.  Thanks for all of the support.  Good luck everyone.  Will check back soon...

[ImDONENoMore]

Congratulations on the week!!  Well done!!  :)

[Sanchez97]

One week!  Whew.  But the urge has not passed.  All mental now I guess.  Got to keep my mind right.

[Sanchez97]

Not craving any more.  Looks like I'll make it through another day.  No wonder I'm not craving.  I ate White Castle for lunch.  I'm not craving anything.  Seriously, why the hell did I eat that crap?  OMG.  Worst idea ever.  I think it messed up my stomach so bad I don't want to take in any substance of any kind right now.  I have considered aftercare.  But first I'm gonna use my best friend who went through the same thing and see how that goes.  As far as friends go, they are all clean...as far as I know.  Except alcohol...but I like to have a few beers from time to time so that doesn't bother me.  I have a great group of clean friends and a wonderful family...thank God.  Work day almost over and it is hot and sunny here.  Which is good.  That means I can be outside with my kids when I get home.  Being outside is my best therapy.  White Castle...sheesh.

[IBKleen]

Sanchez, have you considered an aftercare program? I will use the fellowships of NA/AA as an example. It's a group of people like yourself who understand what you are going through and can give you suggestions to get through the mental part of this. It is also a place to make new friends---healthy friends. And it is free!!

So many people get to this point and say the heck with it. They feel like they have nothing to look forward to. Not true. there is life after drugs and you need to want it and go after it with all you have.

I hate to see you suffer like this. I hope you will think about doing something.

[tigerlily11]

You can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay strong. Do not give in. I was just reading this post and you are so strong and amazing! In one of the post you mention in times of weakness you pull out your daughters picture and say I promise. Well try that now! Stay strong we are in this fight together!

[Sanchez97]

Haven't given in.  Fighting the urge.  arrgh.....

[Sanchez97]

I've made it 6 days.  I thought the worst migh be over, but today is the hardest, especially the mental part.  I felt good all weekend and didn't even have the urge.  But I sure do this morning.  I didn't sleep good last night and my whole body is sore.  Not pain.  Just an overall cruddy feeling.  Probably has more to do with being out in the sun and lack of sleep than anything.  But one little pill would make it go away.  Friday I had a lot more energy.  I'm just going to have to suck it up today and dig deep for some energy.  Would have been a good day to stay home, but can't.  Wish me luck and thanks again.  Best wishes everyone...

[Sanchez97]

today is day 3.  so far i haven't gone through the lying on the bathroom floor in pain stuff that you mention.  i did sit on the toilet for about an hour though.  i guess it is b/c my use wasn't as high as some people.  doesn't change the fact that i have to stop it now, like you said.  and i am here to support everyone as best i can.  last night was rough for awhile.  had a panic attack.  heart was racing.  finally fell asleep though.  and to be honest, i feel great this morning.  i know this feeling.  it is the feeling you get when the drug has completely left the system.  now i have to shut up those voices in my head that are saying "see, you can detox whenever you want."  that is what always gets me in trouble.  and the reality is that even though 3 days is good, in the grand scheme of things it isn't ****.  as soon as i see the coworker today i'm going to tell him.  i saw him late yesterday, he said "where you been?"  i said "saving money" and went on.  i know, its not all about money, that's just what came out, partially b/c he charges too much anyway.  glad i made it to friday, because this weekend i will get to get out and do some stuff to keep my mind off of it.  maybe go swimming or something.  still have a weird feeling that i'm gonna have a tough fight this afternoon.  but i just keep looking at my baby girl's picture and saying "i promise."  thanks again everyone.  will check back later.  the sun is shining today.  :-)

[mebroken]

detox gets harder each time. your brain changes will be more apparent each time. you've read the posts from people that spent 2 weeks crying on the bathroom floor (unable to leave that room for obvious reasons) and the months of hardcore depression afterward? that have lost everything- house, job, family, self?  facing legal problems? that is where this takes us with time. you can still function while detoxing, you're lucky. but you won't be if you give into temptation.(stop stalling on telling that co-worker to never sell to you again!)
harder and harder each time. more and more damage done each time you relapse. closer and closer to becoming that hardcore addict. remember that. please. get out and stay out while the getting is good......

[Sanchez97]

Haven't yet.  Haven't seen him.  As soon as I see him I will tell him.  I've been avoiding that area of the worplace.  Was outside for a few minutes a second ago.  It is about 92 degrees here.  Did a little work and thought I was gonna pass out.  Covered in sweat.  Heat never bothers me.  Guess its the body getting rid of that ****.  Drinking powerade now, trying to hold eyes open.

[dominosarah]

Have you told your coworker no more pills?  I think a weekend away with your wife sounds great!!

[Sanchez97]

Yea, all I have have to do is walk 25 yards to relapse.  Ugh.  Planning a long weekend getaway for me and my wife.  We haven't done anything alone since the baby was born, except dinner once.  That weekend can't come soon enough.  Gotta get out of this office for a minute.  see ya soon...

[MrNewHope]

I think you're right and knowing you'll get more pills, I remember when I would run out, I would feel like crap then start texting msgs to people for more, as soon as I got confirmation I would get more, I felt better just knowing I was getting more.  The mind is a powerful thing.  Try to psych it out and think about your goal on being clean for the ones you  love, it'll be great.

[hollytabor]

I think you're struggling because of the psychological part of your addiction - at least, I know that's the hardest for me.  

But day two is a HUGE accomplishment ... you can do this!

[Sanchez97]

day two is starting off a bit rough.  struggled to get out of bed, but i did.  had to take immodium to help with my stomach.  i'm exhausted right now and stuck at work.  my mind is racing.  nothing i haven't been through before, but it seems like it is setting in quicker this time.  gonna be a long day.  ugh,  wish i could get out of this state and take a road trip to the beach.  Destin would be nice...  why is this time harder??  How come two days didn't bother me before?  Because I knew I was gonna take more on Monday?  I haven't been using any more than any of the other times.  Maybe because I'm more serious about it?  Does that make sense??

[Sanchez97]

looks like i'm gonna make it through day one.  about to go home where i have no access to pills.  right now just extremely tired and a bit of a stomach ache.  a little caffeine shouldn't hurt, but i'm not gonna over do it.  also gonna drink some water.  some soreness throughout my body.  might need to get in hot tub tonight.  check back tomorrow.  thank you all...

[Sanchez97]

So I've made it past lunch.  It's a start.  Starting to feel tired, but nothing serious yet.  By now I would have already blown $20, so I try to think about money I'm already saving.  I know that isn't the main issue here, but it is a good motivator.  Little moody too.  Gonna listen to some tunes and email a new friend....

[Sanchez97]

Would love to take off, but that isn't possible right now.  Luckily the weather here is nice all week.  So when I get home, I get to be outside with my family.  If the sun is out, I'm one of those people that has to be outside.  :-)  So that's where I will be as soon as I get home.  Probably grill out.  There is only one co-worker who supports my habit.  I'm avoiding him.  Gonna tell him that I'm getting clean.  What I meant earlier is that some of the guys I work with are hilarious.  Just listening to the stupid conversations helps get my mind off of pills.  Thanks for the support!

[mebroken]

what about calling in sick to work tomorrow or for a few days so you won't be around them? sounds like you do better at home, so stay home through the hard beginning part. like spend the day w/ your wife- doing things for her- doing something for others takes you outside yourself, makes it easier to stop thinking/obsessing about the pills.your habit is more mental than physical, so keep that mind busy.
good luck! you can do it...it will only get worse and worse if you don't. remember that.

[Sanchez97]

Craving one sooner than I expected.  Gonna go talk to some coworkers about "normal" stuff.  Some of them are pretty entertaining.  LOL.  Try to get my mind off of it... Just a crave right now.  The real hard part won't set in for awhile.