Here's where I'm at in

[refills]

a dozen words or so. Just to let you know that this will be copied and paste for a few others. Nope, changed my mind, I put it on the main board instead and didn't change one word.... Lately I'm finding words very hard to come by. My anxiety is getting the best of me and I'm lamenting the fact that I'm just not ready for all this right now. I know I'm in a better place to deal with everything but so far away where I want/need to be. Like most people I deal with other people's problems better than my own. The old, 'that's easy for you to say", has never been more true for me than now. I'm fine one minute than BAM I'm completely overwhelmed by anxiety and thoughts from all angles that it stops my breathing. I don't want to scare the newer people to the community about their own recoveries but I know this is all about my unexplainable poor behavior most of my life. Will the truth set me free? I don't know. I really have to get focused like right now or I may lose it all together. Just being honest here. You guys have been there from the beginning of my recovery odyssey and I really need you all right now. I'm not afraid of the fight ahead of me it's more about not getting the chance to fight. My head is racing with guilt feelings and despair. I just hate saying, why me? but the thought is creepy into my head the past couple of days. I could just type in a few false words of bravado but that's just not me. Am I kidding myself that I deserve anything let alone some good fortune right about now?  My head is literally spinning right now as I struggle again for words. I need my gang, my posse, my comrades, my friends to swoop down and rescue me once again. I'm sorry this is not personalized very much but my energy level is also running on empty and it's the only way I can think of to reach all while keeping from dominating the message boards. I tell everyone about the Love in this community and the wonderful people that makes it home for me. They can say what they will about addict and such but no one can take away the kind caring hearts that you all have. I'm blessed to have found you all...ike

[Catt_N]

Hi Ike.  
You are so not alone.  You have always encouraged me to be strong! We have good days and our bad days.  I'm still getting panic attacks also. It's so hard to leave the house. I was also going through a really bad day today, just not feeling like yourself and despair all day that u wonder if you will ever be normal again. I just saw your post and I felt even more despair,  seeing that Ike has been clean longer than I have, and is still feeling like this? But ... at least,  we're not alone Ike ... and of course,  we know this too shall pass.  We just gotta hang on a little longer.
You're one of the angels I look up to Ike!  Make me proud!
We will be fine.
Hugs*  Catt. Xx

[qpatty]

You have been an inspiration to me since I started this journey and always there with sound realistic advice. I consider myself a newbie here and your post doesn't scare me, just let's me know what to watch for on the road ahead. I have read your entire story and if you weren't having these feelings I would think you either weren't human or you aren't real.

I believe there are times in our life when we are allowed to say "why me" and we are allowed to feel like giving up. But then we have to find the strength to keep going and not give in to those feelings. No matter what we are facing in life.

If I could I would gladly hand over all my strength and determination to you and let you keep them as long as you needed to. I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.

[dominosarah]

Ike, the unknown is always scary for us.  You have more fight in you than you realize.  Take some deep breaths my friend, we got your back~

[msdelight]

Hey Ike, I'm sorry you are going through a rough time right now. You aredoing a great job on recovery, but it's only been 7 months, and it does take a bit longer to balance brain chemistry that's been unbalanced for such a long time.  Also, dealing with our emotions instead of numbing them out isa new thing we must learn and it is definitely a work in progress for all of us.

That applies on a normal day, but now you have been given the news that none of us want to hear. You are facing surgery soon, and the future seems uncertain. It feels as though you have lost control of everything.  It is definitely a time of high emotion and reflection, and the feelings you
describe above are normal for someone facing this diagnosis, addict or not. Its similar to the stages of greiving. Denial, depression, anger, guilt will come and go as they please, probably several times a day.

You know what?  Fighting cancer is alot like fighting the demon of addiction . It requires a strong desire to fight, a sense of surrender, a very positive attitude and a good support system.  Your mind is a very important tool here.  As much as any medicine or surgery. I think you have proven that you have what it takes.
Yeah, the timing may not seem like the best. But unfortunately we as individuals can never see the big picture. Only God can. One thing I know for sure is that He never gives anyone cancer to punish them. Everything in life happens at just the right time to teach us what we need to learn.  Or so I believe anyway.
Deep breathes are very good. Surrender all to God and place your spirit in his hands. Feel the sense of calm and relief. Fight like hell!

[vicki595]

It's a scary time for you Ike and it's great that you're sharing your feelings and letting yourself be vulnerable. That is the way you need to face a cancer diagnosis.

Draw strength from the people around you and from your loving friends. Keep an open mind. How are you treating your anxiety? Are you just battling through it?
If you were to take an anti anxiety med now it wouldn't have anything to do with your clean time. You need to keep your stress level down so you have strength to physically fight for your health. That's how I feel about it.

Can you tell us what the plan is? When is surgery?

[Merri123]

Well said. So well said Msdelight.  

You know we are all allowed a pity party sometimes. Get mad. Cry it out. Yell and scream. Then pull yourself together. Stand up straight and tall and face the day and new situation with a clear head and strong resolve. Say I CAN I WILL!!!  And walk out into the sunshine of the day.

You are stronger than you know. You have faced many things recently. And have beat them. Stay strong. You will get through this all.

[meegWpaw]

hey ike.  everything you're saying sounds like a very normal reaction to a very serious challenge.  i know you have what it takes to meet this challenge!  you're a fighter and we will be right here fighting with you.  i like what vicki said.  do what you need to do to take good care of yourself.

[NeverAgain127]

Hey buddy:

You have every right to experience some bad days.   Let yourself go through them, but try to keep busy. and remember that every new sunrise is a brand new chance to have a different day.  I can't remember; do you go to meetings?  

Slow down and breathe.   Everything is going to be okay...we are all in this big jumbled mess called life TOGETHER, and the anxiety you're experiencing is common to every human being on the planet.    Try not to project into the future...just do what is in front of you on THIS day, and know that you are loved...by your family, friends, recovery community, and most importantly, by God.

You can do this, my friend. You are strong, and have much, much more power than you realize.  

Keeping you in my prayers, hon.  I haven't been on here for a week or so (busy and getting ready to go away for a week...for a much needed and quiet vacation) but I wanted to answer you...xoxoxox

-Robin

[justhefiveofus83]

IM only on day one and feeling everything that you describe. I know its a ling road aho butt being here and able to get it all out really does make it better. I hope you get to feeling better

[katmandu516]

Hey Ike,
God I'm sorry I missed this post, but wasn't on this weekend. I know how afraid you must be, but you will beat this. This is not gonna take you down. Always remember that. Think positive always and know that your friends are here to hold you up when you are feeling down. Medical treatments have come so far and people are responding very well to new technology. You're gonna be ok. You have an army behind you brother....
Kat
XOXO

[spider6]

Hi, I'm in tears for you as I write.  You've got some lovely words of comfort here.  I just want to be part of them. I think about you every day even though I don't post.  I want to take that all away for you.  You will be in m thoughts and prayers n the 17th, along with the rest of your angel posse. Much light and love finding their way to you. (O) x

[refills]

Whoaa and Wow! Thanks to everybody. The caring responses are something to behold. Feeling better today and I'm thinking I'm as ready as ever. Had a particularly bad night a couple of days back. The anxiety has been real high for a while now. Recovery is not a free pass to be be left off the drama list of life. Stuff happens and sometimes it's not all good stuff. My recovery remains at the top of my list. I read Weavers quote by Gandhi, which has been posted here before, "Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional". Why do we do the things to do to ourselves? I just wanted to say Thanks again and let you all know, I'm Back and doing much better....ike

[katmandu516]

Hey Ike,
You sound so good! I know how that anxiety can grip you and you feel your whole world is falling apart. I went through a total mental meltdown myself this weekend. I hate that. I think it's all a part of the withdrawal process and learning how to cope with such difficult situations w/o any drugs or alcohol that we are so used to using to help us get through the tough times. Right? It's so hard and we are still learning how to do it. I know I am. Sometimes I wonder if I can even make it one more day, but then I do. Then another, and another...What else can we do? So, my friend, you will go and get this over with, and then go home and live your life again with your family. You got this Ike!! Go in there, and I want you to go kick some a*s and come out with some names!! Piece of damn cake my  awesome friend. I'm here for you always.
Kat

[chig1130]

Hey buddy,

Just sending you tons of hugs, and prayers. Your a jewel of person, and we all know it. God, has you Ike, right in the palm of his hand. Your gonna whip out this surgery,and come home and live the life you deserve. Gods Favor is raining down on you.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

[refills]

So much support. But I guess that's nothing new on here though. haha. It's no wonder I talk about this community all the time. Surgery is first thing Wed morning. The one mass is growing into my right kidney. This is a problem in that it takes a different technique to be removed. My left kidney has a smaller mass and was to be removed. Because of the complexity of the right kidney surgery the left kidney will be left alone for now. There is also something showing up on my liver. It may be nothing or something?? I am taking a small dose of an anxiety med. I really don't think it's doing anything and I have only taken it a few times. The past seven months seems like seven years.

I want to make sure I thank everyone. I can feel the love and it's awesome. I've read every post at least five times or more and they have helped me retake control. I know there are many more praying for me out there and thank you for that. Right now I'm cool. Tomorrow night we stay at my daughters house which is close to the hospital. The doctor rearranged the schedule to put me first. How about that? I have a lot to be thankful for. MH included and the people on here especially. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You....ike

[qpatty]

You will be in my prayers morning, noon and night until you get through this.

[katmandu516]

I wish I could be there for you. I'm glad the surgeon will take you first when he's good and fresh. Ike, my notes to you are my pleasure, because you have chosen me to be your friend. So thank you brother...There aren't many people I like in this life, but you are one of the few that I am proud to call my friend. Thank you Ike... Please don't worry, I know it's easy to say, but it's hard for me to think of you suffering in your mind about this. I am praying hard and so are a lot of other people here. There is nothing that will happen that you can't beat it down like the dirty crap it is. And you DO deserve all the good fortune the good Lord will give you. Because you are a good, deserving soul. I wish I had more encouraging words, I'm giving you all I can think of. All the good that's in me..I am sending to you.
Cathy
XOXO

[IBKleen]

I feel so bad for you. You have come so far and I know that you struggle. Have you decided to do any aftercare? For you I mean in the way of counseling? I ask because, like you, I was frozen with guilt when I first got clean. I didn't think I could put one foot in front of the other. I got into counseling and that lady helped to save my life. It was amazing what I discovered about myself and my warped perceptions and my emotions and inability to live life like a normal person. I really hope that you will consider it. I want the best for you and I know you can have it.  Have you talked to your doctor about all of this?

Please keep posting. Everyone is here for you. Keep your chin up honey. Sending hugs.........

[Sonrissa]

Sending you prayers and support.  I wish you fast healing and a full and complete recovery.  Please keep us posted.

Hugs

[atthebeach]

Ike you are and will be in my thoughts and prayers.
It is great to hear that you are hopeful and positive.
That makes a huge difference.
Please update us as soon as you can.
Praying for wisdom for the doctors.
Praying for your comfort,peace and healing.
Praying that the angels surround you and guard you.
Hugs for you my friend,
Debbie

[refills]

Hey everyone. I'm Laying in bed 2:00 am reading all posts over again as I begging healing journey. Doctor says surgery went really well and he believes he tore out all cancer! My friends in this community are way too great for words alone.  Sending out big best hugs to all, even though that would be against orders. Gotta go, Much Love to all....ike

[atthebeach]

Praise GOD!!! Thank you LORD!!!
So great to hear from you.
Rest up.
Praying for healing and a continued good report!!
Much love
Debbie

[msdelight]

All the best to you! Get well real soon!

[spider6]

Yaaaaay! AWESOME!  Continued prayers out.  (0) x