Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Horribly addicted to heroin and oxycontin and trying to stop
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This community is a place to share information and support with others who are trying to stop using drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol, tobacco or other addictive substances. Discuss with others, the symptoms of addiction, addiction recovery, ways to quit like tapering and cold turkey, and withdrawal symptoms. If you are interested in general "chat", please visit our Addiction Social Community.

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Avatar_f_tn
Hi Harper,

Detoxing or not, just drop us a note so we know you're still around. OK? OK.  
Well wishes,
Sandy
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Avatar_n_tn
try hard think about the cycle.....go to a doctor and get suboxone...not methodone....but try not to stay on suboxone long....you get one suboxone your withdrawls will go down tenfold....they say walk run getting your natural indorphines going easies said....god luck
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1697690_tn?1329127238
hi guys
i thought id check in, ive thought about posting a lot and couldnt get myself to do it because i am so ashamed of myself. I am so depressed, i feel like there is just a 100 pound weight on me, like im about to break down at any second. sometimes i just feel like crying, or i do start crying in the middle of something and have no idea why. i also feel so much anxiety, like im about to have a panic attack at any second. ANd to add, i have never had depression, anxiety, panic attacks, or feelings of crying and sadness prior to using drugs. I am so stressed and anxious about the double life i am living of student and worker and then heroin addict, and the idea of people finding out all my lies and secrets gives me panic attacks constantly. and yet i still havent stopped. ironically im rly busy right now with school and work, and every day has been so busy that i havent been able to detox. i know this is an excuse, but what shud i do. i am trying to find a day that i can do this. god i want to so badly,absolutely anything will be better then how i feel right now. i desperately want to wake up in the morning and feel light and not stressed i want to be an honest person, i want to feel the lightness and happiness of knowing i am living honestly adn i am not hiding and living a lie. i have gotten some suboxone from a friend, a few of them to help thru the wds the first few days. not enough to be addicted or anything, and not to use long term just short term to get thru the horirble wds that i have coming. ive also got some xanax to help with the anxiety, and some sleeping meds so i am trying to plan to ease the wds. i dunno wat do u guys think, i can take the honest posts if u want to call me an idiot and stupid and that i need to grow up and get over it and stop complaining i understand.
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271792_tn?1334983257
I'm not going to call you stupid, you are doing a good job all by yourself.

What scares me is that you still think you can control this whole situation. You are going to detox with meds you got from the street. You are STILL self-medicating and that mind set is very scary. Your life is spiraling out of control and you still think you've got this. You also think it is just going to be a few days and it is over with---you are very wrong about that lady. The mental part of this disease will take you to a relapse faster than you can blink. It is not just the drug you are addicted to and you will find that out soon enough if you don't get help.

I honestly have to suggest in-patient treatment. This is a serious situation and you need help. I have seen you do this "your way" over and over and the results are always the same. If you put half as much work into getting clean as you do getting high, you would be well on your way right now. Sorry, but this is no time for hand holding right now. You need a serious wake up call and I hope that call won't be a trip to the hospital, jail or the morgue.

I have been praying for you for months now and will continue to do so. I hope you will wake up and get this done once and for all before it is too late.
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1697690_tn?1329127238
thank you for the response, i did want to reply to a few things you said in the first paragraph. I know that it will be far more than a few days, I know the physical will be around 2 weeks and the mental will last for god knows how long, believe me i know ive done a number on my brain and mind and it will take a lot of work to get back. Things in my life have fallen apart, and i have a lot of rebuilding to do and thinking about all that makes me think F it ill never be able to do all this why try and use it to keep using. I know that is a sorry excuse and pathetic on my part. So i do know that this is a huge thing with a lot of work if i ever want to be successful. and i am just trying to keep it as simple as possible and only worry about the day im in so i dont freak out with all the destruction ive caused and rebuilding i have to do. Also, i dnt think i can control this, i know i am nothing up against the drugs. i dont trust my self or my mind , i know i am completely helpless to this drug. As for the suboxone, The suboxone was suggested to me by a few different people, and ive had friends do this too. I thought it would help for the first few days when the physical is rly rly rly rly bad because i still have so many other rhings to do each day so i thot it wud help. How come u think it wont?

also, thanks for the prayers, i appreciate the support.
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271792_tn?1334983257
Suboxone is NOT intended to get you through the withdrawal stage hun and doing that is a crap shoot. Suboxone is a program to be followed strictly with a doctor and along with counseling and other outside support. It will enable you to get your life in order and then taper off of it. If you do it with the Suboxone for a few days you are risking mental torture with it. Your mind will tell you that you can use during the weekend and take Suboxone on the weekdays--hey, it works!! Been there---done that more times then I can tell you and so have many, many, many, many members on this board. Your "friend" is not helping and I would be wary of anyone who offers to "fix you up" or help you through the withdrawals.

23 years ago I said goodbye to my drug of choice. It is heroin. Am I out of the woods? Hell no. Do I think of it? Hell yes and I STILL have cravings. I am involved in outside support as well as in this community and there are times I still struggle, and that is when I am surrounded by recovering people. Imagine doing it alone?

If you are going to take it upon yourself to get through this detox and stay in touch with the people that you used with, your chance of relapse is great. I don't know how else to say it to you.

Ask yourself this---if it were as easy as popping a few Suboxone to get through the worst of the withdrawal and then going forward, why aren't the thousands of members on this site all clean? The answer is---because it doesn't work.

But listen, all I can do is share my experience, strength and hope with you. Let you know this is a way to do this.

You need to do what is best for you once you listen to others advise so if doing it the way you have planned is the best way, then I wish you luck.

There is always someone here to talk with so keep in touch and let us know you are okay.
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1416133_tn?1351126817
IB you said this perfectly.

We're all worried for you harper - and like IB said there's no easy way out of this and your way isn't working (I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you need to hear these things!) - I think it's time to let go and realize you can't do this alone and need to stop trying to hide from everyone.  Believe me, I know all about that mindset - as long as I was keeping my secrety hidden from everyone, I no longer had to answer to anyone but myself and that was my biggest mistake.

It's time to do this - PLEASE your life depends on it.  Listen to us.  And let your loved ones help you.
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Avatar_f_tn
OK, Time to prioritize.   Harper, you're trying to go to school, go to work, and the ONLY way you're able to get by is by continuing your heroin/oxy use.Your withdrawals are so bad that you have to make a choice here - The world won't end if you skip a semester of school, and NO job is worth staying high so that you can function.  YOU HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE.  

You have gotten to the point that you can no longer function  without drugs, and its going to take more than a week of hiding out in your house to get you well.  I've read IBK's posts on other threads, and I've never read about anyone so committed to getting clean as she was/is.  So when she posts, she knows what she's talking about.  

Everyone here wants to see you get through this misery once and for all, and I'm sure you have alot of people in your real life who feel the same way.

What are you going to do?

Sandy
(no matter what, please keep posting...we really do worry about you)
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Avatar_m_tn
Sounds like it's long overdue to get on a maintanence drug, whether Subs or methadone, but not off the street, but from a dr.  Even an inpatient detox won't give you enough clean time.  Metahdone would be my choice for you because you wouldn't be getting a script, but instead have to get it everyday, and if you stay clean, then you can get takehomes.  Any clinics nearby?  Not so sure you could handle using a prescription for Suboxone properly right now.  Still easy to abuse, even with Naloxone in it.  Methadone clinics also make you see a councilor weekly, and with takehomes, will drug test you weekly.  
As for getting Subs and Xanax off the streets, are you kidding?  Now you'll be w/drawing off 3 drugs instead of one. And using CNS depressants like Xanax and heroin are what had me OD'ing when I used.  Lucky you haven't.  But luck eventually runs out.  
I can also tell you how long the mental part of your detox will last.  Forever, unless you start working on it right now.  IBKleen hit the nail on the head.  If you put half as much energy on getting clean as you do into getting drugs you'd be done with this.  And trust me when I say this, ALL addicts have heard that statement before, and it's so true.  
As we said before, your "friends" gotta go.  Plain and simple.  What type of real friend gives someone a handfull of Xanax and Suboxone to stop using heroin?  No one I know. This post may sound a little harsh, but it's said more out of desperation.  I've had too many H.S. friends crash, burn and die because of opiate overdoses.  I don't want to hear that you did also.  A maintenance drug will allow you to still go to school, work, etc., all while remaining clean. Life or death. You choose. May sound extreme, but that's your two options. Hope you choose the right one.    
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm so glad you posted.  I have to agree with the others.  This is a huge mountain to climb.  This is not a journey to go alone.  I think it's great you're open to suboxone, though in general I'm not a fan but in your case I think it's necessary.  But you need to do it under the supervision of a doctor!!!!  There isn't a quick fix.  SUboxone is a serious drug and there are risks taking it.  I'm sure you know if you take it too soon there's the risk of precipitated withdrawals and that can't be undone.  Getting through the physical part is the start but it's the aftercare that's going to be really important.

I agree, too, that inpatient would be best for you.  School will be there and there's always a job somewhere once you're well (if they wouldn't let you take a leave of absence.)  Not sure where you work but even if you didn't want them to know exactly why you were off, you can take time off and not lose your job.  You can take that family leave act.  I believe you can take up to six months a year.

There are a lot of people here really worrying about what's going to happen to you!  But you're trying to treat yourself and it's not working.  You need experts.  The people here that have been where you are know what they're talking about.  You wouldn't try to treat yourself for a broken bone, cancer, diabetes or any other medical condition, right?  This is no different.  There should be no shame in addiction but I know there is.

The choices you're making are not just going to impact your life in the sense of the future; it's going to impact your life period.  One of these times something is going to happen and you're not going to have choices.

If you could do this alone, you already would have.  The desire to quit isn't enough to quit and stay that way.  Please give some thought to inpatient.  Or at least think about seeing a doctor for the suboxone.

Everyone here wants what's best for you and wants you to have the life you deserve.  You still have options and can make choices on how to do this.  Make the right choice.  Otherwise it will be taken out of your hands one way or another:  you'll either OD and die or or have some type of brain damage; you'll get arrested and be dealing with the legal system.  And I can't think of a worse way to detox than doing it in jail.

There are so many programs available to do this from inpatient, to a counselor to AA/NA.  Where you are right now you can't make good decisions.  It's a known fact that when you use drugs your brain is changed and it takes time to heal that.

And I also hope, like Sandy, that no matter what keep posting.  We do care and do worry!
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey Harper,

It's been a while since you've posted.  I hope you are getting well.
Drop us a note here so we know you're still around.  It would really
be great to hear from you!

Sandy :)
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Avatar_f_tn
Would love to see a post from her, too!!!
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1697690_tn?1329127238
i made it today without using. its been rly horrible i am emotional mess just crying and so much pain and body hurts and stomach and legs and everything. i cant move. nothing sounds good. i want to die. the only thing keeping me going is i have made it thru today....so far at least. i have not been able to get out of bed. i am crying non stop dnt even no why. for the record, ive been using about a gram of heroin now for maybe 4 months and oxycontin for maybe 4 yrrs. im losing my mind tho this is my last try. if i cant do this i dunno wat ill do, im at a loss, i am praying things can get a little better just the smallest smallest ounce i will notice as things are so horrendous right now. i cleared the next few days, i got stuff ppl said, but this is just more then any human shud ever have to go thru,i want to make it but i feel like dying is easier at this pt
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm SO GLAD to hear from you!   But I wish you weren't feeling so unbelievably bad.  My heart goes out to you.  
Please don't talk about dying - I don't think you really mean it, everyone says that when they feel that they can't possibly feel any worse than they do right now.  But if that's how you're feeling, then it's GOT to get better and you KNOW it will because it always has in the past.  Right?  

I know you've heard this a bunch of times before, but here goes:  please stay hydrated, even if you can only drink an ounce or two at a time, every 15 minutes, it will make a difference.  And try to eat something, anything that you can keep down.

Have you been vomiting alot?  I know that was a problem before.  I hope it's not this time around.  You're almost through Day 1, and this time you're going to get through it;  for right now, just take care of yourself as best you can, and take the immodium if you've got that.  

And please don't be such a stranger Harper.  You go away for days and we do worry about you.  So try and post at least once a day, or as often as you need to so you can keep us updated.  OK?

Try and get some rest.  I'll be thinking of you and sending well wishes your way...

Sandy :)
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Avatar_m_tn
HEY DUDE good to see you post and congrats on making it one day without using thats a start the next few days wil be hard on you but with some discipline and perseverance I know you can make it you got to want it bad so bad your willing to go out of your comfortzone to get it you all ready know what the withdrawals are all about remember fto force the fluids gatoraid is good for this and as I have told you b/4 this is all about attitude keep a positive attitude and this will be uncomfortable loose the attitude and you will suffer it up to you your still hanging with us so you must want it now follow what we tell you and you can have it good luck and God bless........Gnarly    
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi there, honey. I'm so glad you checked in with us. We all worry when we don't hear from you. You KNOW we care for you--my comment makes a total of 215! You are loved at this forum. So please write, even if you feel crappy. Share it with us and let us carry a little of your sadness and discomfort. We are here for you, and someone is usually here any time of day or night to encourage and comfort you. Take care, and we'll look for your next post--write soon!
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Avatar_m_tn
Hope this eases some of your worry.  I also do not suffer from depression.     Never have.  When my grandfather passed away, I could not squeeze out one tear at his funeral, or even when my dog died, but would cry like a baby at the dumbest movie when I was detoxing.  Gotta try and remember that your brain is like scrambled eggs right now.  Emotions spike through the roof.  It doesn't know up from down, left from right.  These are symptoms of w/drawing.  I know you don't want to feel like this anymore, so lets make this attempt the one that succeeds.  They do eventually go away.
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Avatar_f_tn
Yay Harper!!!!  You're back in the saddle.  So glad your giving it another go.  Most important is stay hydrated.  Take the supplmenets that ease the withdrawals, and I think for you Imodium (immodium) would be a good choice to use as you;re going though this.  You can do it.  And we're here for you.  You are stronger than this.  Take a day, an hour, a minute or a second at a time.  Think about the tools you want to use, NA or a counselor or a sponsor.  For right now, just try to stay hydrated and feel better and keep letting us know what's going on!!!  We do care!
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1416133_tn?1351126817
CONGRATS on the one day!!  GOOD for you!!

Only I would be remiss, harperoc, if I didn't tell you again that I'm worried for you - please don't misunderstand as I am SO proud of you for making it through one day - that's a huge accomplishment.

Only I wish you would find help "in person" and let go of the terrible burden this secret is putting upon you.  Believe me our shame and fear of telling others is SO much worse than the actual event.  Your loved ones will understand and they will give you the support and help you need right now.  Please reconsider allowing someone close to you to help.  NONE of us could do this alone (or very few have).  As long as this remains a secret to your friends and family, it will continue to have full control and power over you.

But we will continue to support you and be here for you no matter what.  And I will remain hopeful for you - because we all know how badly you want this!  Please keep posting because I, like others, worry even more when we don't see you for a while.
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1697690_tn?1329127238
hi guys i made it thru the night so today is day 2 now. I have some xanax that ive been taking which has been helping a lot it calms me down a little and puts me to sleep for a little too.the wd is still rly bad, this heroin detox compared to my oxycontin detox is os much worse i feel like i am going crazy. but sticking itout. just checkin in. thanks. and yes i no i need to tell ppl but i have told ppl in the past and i just let them down in the end because i can never stay sober as u all have seen here.
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1697690_tn?1329127238
well still feel like im losing my mind but happy to say i am going into day 3 tomorrow. i had meds to help sleep that all i want is to be able to rest, afer these days of restlessness, pain, stomach, vomiting, headaches, crying, all over the place, i just want to close my eyes and forget this all, if even just for a few hrs. i have not moved from my couch in 48 hrs except to go to toilet or the hot tub i have in my backyard. otherwiase i have been burried under blnkets just praying for things to get better.
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Avatar_f_tn
Keep it up!!!  You're three days further away!  You can do this.  I only wish you would let someone in real life help you.  You need some real life support!!!  This is not easy.  But keep doing what you're doing, go minute by minute, and keep posting!!!  We do care.  Huge world out there for you with all kinds of stuff to find out about.  Is there ANYONE in  your personal life that can help you through this that doesn't use?  Pulling hard for you!!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Glad you've made it to Day 3!  It's good that you're able to rest, just be careful with the xanax, it's very addictive.  Make sure you're getting enough fluids, and when you're ready, getting up and taking a walk will help alot with getting those endorphins going again, and help you keep your emotions in check.
It WILL get better Harper, you just have to help it along a little by taking care of yourself with fluids, food and vitamins. I know how much you want this, or you wouldn't keep coming back here.
Proud of you!

Well wishes,

Sandy

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1697690_tn?1329127238
starting day 3, very sick, but ive been trying to stay pretty out of it with the benzos, im not taking to much i called the local detox and asked how much they give to ppl coming off heroin and im taking only like a quarter of wat they said if even, i think without it id be freaking out even more. i have been using my hot tub a lot to because my legs hurt so much i cant keep them still and it is agonizing pain.i dnt rly have anyone i cud tell, people thot i was not using anymore and theyre sick of me saying im stopping and then not doing it like ive been doing on this site. most of my real good friends that would help me dont live here anymore because theyre in college. i have one friend that knows but we can only talk thru phone. got to go am to sick to write.
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Avatar_f_tn
Harper I'm praying for you! You NEVER have to go through this again. This time stack the odds in your favor. Get outside help. Try something different this time. Get rid of ppl who use. Join NA, just do it different. Step outside your comfort zone and take the suggestions on here to heart.

This isnt just detoxing anymore..it's saving your life. It's time to try a different approach to RECOVER! The physical ***** the tip of the ice berg when you feel better the first thing you should do is hit a meeting. X the ppl out of your life who use. They are helping you die. Ppl in recovery will help you LIVE again.

Keep posting !!
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1697690_tn?1329127238
i am having such a hard time. i want to use but i dont want to use or i know i cant use, i am just sick and my body is physically craving it. but i did call a counselor instead of a dealer and will go see her today. still trying to hang on.
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Avatar_f_tn
Keep working at it!  SadWoman's right; try a different approach.  It is your life your risking!  And you are so worth it!
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Avatar_f_tn
You'll get there!  Great decision to call the counselor - I hope you're well enough to go and see her in person - let us know how that goes.  If the xanax keeps you from using, and you're only taking enough to get you through, then its a good choice in the short run.  

It sounds like you're starting to take charge here and thats a great thing Harper.  It's what you need to continue to do.  Hang in there girl, you'll make it.  You've gotten through the withdrawals before, and the counselor is a good start regarding the aftercare.  And you'd wonder what was wrong with me if I didn't remind you to please stay hydrated and eat when you can.. :)

Keep it up and keep posting. Lets get through this now!

Sending you many well wishes...

Sandy
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Avatar_f_tn
Stay strong Harper. Using really isn't an option is it? You'll just be enduring hell all over again. And it gets worse each time doesnf it? And for what? A 5 minute high? Nah not worth it. There's nothing left in the drugs. They lied, they used you, they betrayed you like they do all of us. I know how bad you want out and only you can do this and you are doing it. Every second you don't use the addiction dies a little more. It'll fight for it's life but starve the beast and it loses power over you quickly. You'll see. I'm glad you called the counsellor and not the dealer. The latter choice would have ended with nothing but misery. Put some days and weeks between you and the drugs and I swear you'll find it easier and easier to fight those mental battles. Win one at a time and before you know it your the one making choices..not the drugs making them for you. Just hang on. Please please hang on and give yourself a chance to see for yourself that in very little time you can really get a handle on this. Keep getting that outside help. As much as you can! Just don't use! Your doing it Harper! And by God woman your one of the strongest I've seen!! I have 100% faith in you. You'll get there. The wheels have been in motion for awhile now. You want it bad and with the right mindset you'll accomplish this and things beyond your wildest dreams!! Keep posting and stay strong my friend.
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1697690_tn?1329127238
still very sick but my mind is clearing a little. i know my emotions are all over the place but i do want to stay sober, i want to keep fighting thru this. its start of day 4 now, still really sick, but i will do this, i dont want to give in. i met with my counselor and am going back in a day i no i cant do this alone, i am scared of my own self to be honest, and how quickly i can go from being sober to in a car driving to get high, and so i know i need outside help as u all have said. anwyas am pouring sweat and so sick, i think iam going to take a hot shower now. just checking in. thanks everyone for support so far.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm so happy you're going to bring in some outside help, Harper!!!  This was getting scary.  You can do this!!!!  Work with your counselor and take each minute as it comes.  So much freedom awaits you!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Keep fighting Harper!  Day 4 now, you're on the cusp of starting to feel better, and I'm glad you're reaching out for help.  In the long run, it is what will help you get clean and STAY clean.  

You sound better than you have in a while;  take care of yourself, see your counselor, and don't give in.  YOU CAN DO THIS!

Keep it up and keep posting!

Sandy :)
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1697690_tn?1329127238
i have made it thru another day sober, tomorrow will be day 5. honestly yes it feels like dying wud be easier then this WD, but it feels good to be able to say another day sober. so i will keep on trying here, i rly dont want to let this go, ive got to do it this time!!
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Avatar_n_tn
Hey, darlin'! That's my girl! Sink your teeth into that recovery and hang on like a pit bull. I am beyond thrilled for you, even though I know it's just plain awful sometimes. What are you doing different this time? Are you still getting counseling? Soon you'll feel better and able to come back to the world. I am beyond proud of you, Harper! xox
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Avatar_f_tn
Keep up the good work!!!!  And keep hydrated!!  You can do this.  You have to.
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Avatar_f_tn
How are you doing today.  Please post and let us know.  We care about you and want to see you succeed
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1697690_tn?1329127238
hey todays day 5, still having hard time, lots of wd, but i want to keep trying to get as much time in between last time i used and now. The worst is just the not sleeping, not eating, restlessness - literally nothing sounds good but its even worse just sitting there, anxiety, depression, cold to the bone, then burning hot, sweating, emotionally all over the place, the body aches, and omg my legs hurt so bad i cant keep them still, i want to chop them off, and just overwhelmed with all the wreckage i need to fix. trying not to get so over whelmed tho. and thinking about what i need to do to stay sober, i take in everyones advice and opinions and truly consider/think about it. thnx for support everyone.
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Avatar_f_tn
At least it's nearing the end of Day 5 - which means of course tomorrow is Day 6...see how smart I am? :)...All you can do is roll with this now Harper.   It may not seem like it, but you're close to the other side.  Even if nothing sounds good, if you can keep it down, eat anything, and of course force the fluids as well.  Everything else you're feeling is par for the course, and I know you know this, since you've been through it enough.  You don't want to do it again.  Go for a soak in your hottub and relax as much as you can.  Take a xanax when you're ready to try and get some sleep.  Just don't overdo it.  

One last note, you didn't comment on the meeting with the counselor - was she at all helpful to you?

Keep posting - you're almost there...

S.

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Avatar_m_tn
Please be careful with Xanax. The insomnia, irritabilty, restlessness, etc are the last to go away during a detox, and coming off Xanax will cause those same symptoms. For me personally, benzos did not help with that part. It will slow down your thoughts, which may help you fall asleep, but isn't the best for staying asleep.  Everyone's different when it comes to responding to meds, so try a few. Ambien and Lunesta didn't work for me either. Again, this is only my experience. Trazodone, (very cheap and safe), worked O.K. It either hit me like a sledgehammer or didn't work at all. Best sleep aid is a low dose of Seroquil, although quite expensive w/out ins. Day 5 should be the peak of your symptoms, so it shouldn't get any worse. You should be able to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel very soon. Congrats on getting this far, and glad you're talking to a councilor. You will need that. It just feels good to get some of this stress off your chest by talking and listening. Lastly, maybe you will be an inspiration to some of your friends to get clean. You have the knowledge and experience to give advice now. Hoping nothing but the best for you going foward.
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So glad you're still working on this!!!  You'll get there!  Try not to think of all the things you need to fix.  Everything can be fixed at some point but right now you just need to focus on you and getting through this.  You already know what you need to do and you're doing it!  Stay focused and try not to get discouraged.  I think Alteril works great for sleep and Valerian Root for anxiety helped me a lot (though the smell of it is hard to get past, especially if you're not feeling great.)  Keep posting ... you have a lot of people cheering you on!
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HEY Dude congrats on day 5 your doing it one day at a time hr by hr....life s u c k s right now and its going to foe a wile but in the end you will end the madness im so haapy to here your off the heroin you never know what your getting with that stuff I just want to encourage you to push past the withdrawals they will go away put some form of aftercare in place now dont wait you need it now b/4 the cravings start you have the tonastity to do this I have been with you from the start so you do want it it just getting all your ducks in a row to do this if you ever want to take just p/m me im here for the whole community good luck and God bless.......Gnarly  
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Hey Girl, How are you doing - Are we still on Day 6?
Drop a note and let us know how it's going - no matter what. I know this is the hardest time for you...

S.
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yes still sober still day 6. i am still sick but mentally just so depressed and sickly feeling. i dnt even have anything to type rly. but i havent used.
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I'll keep it short  - SO PROUD OF YOU!  
Keep it up and keep posting....
Maybe change your mood status or update your ticker on your profile?
6 days clean!

Sandy :)
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I'm so proud of you, too!!!  I know it doesn't seem like things will get better when you're in the thick of things, but it will.  There's a wonderful life waiting for you, and when you get past this, you'll see it was worth all the agony!  Even if you don't feel up to writing, posting even a little is good for you and for all of us who are cheering you on!!!
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How are you doing tonight?  Hope all is OK with you...

S.
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hi guys. just checking in. i am still hanging in here. this is brutal and i know i have so much more misery and sickness ahead which is depressing but i am still trying here. it scares me the damage i have done to myself from using, i feel so depressed adn anxious, and this has never happened before, not to this extent. i cant believe how far ive fallen this time. but I am trying to get things together, i just feel defeated and overwhelmed and depressed, and on top of that still physically sick.
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Wow, It's 1:20 am and I'm still awake - was ready for lights out and then I saw your post and just wanted to say you're doing a great job...you don't know the damage you've done, so don't overthink it at this point. You're young and the human body is resilient and I hope you come through this unscathed.  As long as you keep on doing what you're doing, staying clean, you have a fighting chance.
All of those negative feelings are there because the drugs aren't there anymore to numb them.  So embrace the idea that you're at least feeling again.  Since its October 1 where I am, I believe that puts you at DAY 8!
Believe it!!  
You should be feeling at least a little better by now  -  Your posts sound better...you seem clearer in your thought processes which is great.
And remember, just keep rolling with it, you'll get there, it just takes time.
Please take better care of you - eat more and get those fluids in.  

This is really is it Harper, and everyone on this forum is SO PROUD OF YOU!  

Signing off for the night...

S.
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It takes some people longer to get through the physical part of it.  Keep trying to stay hydrated and eating a bit.  You're stronger than you think!  Don't over worry about damage done.  You can deal with that in a bit, and Sandstone is right; the body is resilient.

You're doing great with this.  Try the Valerian Root for the anxiety.  It really does help a lot.  Not sure about the depression.  If you can get outside a bit every day in the sun, it should help a little.  When taking any drugs for a length of time, whether addicted or dependent, it changes the brain chemistry, and that will heal but it can take time.  Try not to let it discourage you, though I know that's hard to do when you're in the thick of it!!!

Day 8 ... a big accomplishment!!!  You're doing it!  
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Hey Harper, How are you?
Post soon so we know you're OK...
S.
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Harper your doing it!!! Your post made my day!! How are things now? It'll get better you know this. But keep your guard up!! I know how you feel being scared of yourself. I'm clean off sub now and need to stay clean. But every day between the drugs and you will make you a little stronger and them not have that hold on you. Remember, every little victory-every time you say NO makes you stronger. Don't think about tommorow just stay in the moment.

I'm glad you got that counsellor! How's it going? Please update ok! We are doing this!!!
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I so feel your pain.  It is going to be a difficult process, but when and only when you decide to take your life back are you going to have the determination and courage to stop.  I was on heavy oxys for over 2 years, including liquid, and pretty much any opiate I got my hands on.  I knew I had to do something or I would not be around to raise my children and I had turned into a completely different person that I didn't even know anymore.  I will say that I went to a suboxone doctor who perscribed 2 8mg tabs a day.  I thought I was doing the right thing and thought this would be the way to go.  I was on suboxone for 2 yrs and of course in denial that I was addicted to the thing I was taking to stay away from the other stuff.  I spent over 500 a month and my family was struggling to make ends meet.  I decided I was again out of control with another habit.  I went off of suboxone, without realizing I was about to go through hell again, only this time a much longer duration of hell.  I really wish I would have done my research about suboxone and instead of making it a long term thing, would have only been on it for maybe 3 to 6 months.  My advice is yes Suboxone is helpful but it is another crutch, another addictive drug, another chemical that messes with your brain and just prolongs addiction.  Doctors all have opinions about how long, but listen to actual patients.  We are the ones that have actually been through it, taken it, and experienced it.  Good luck and keep fighting to stay clean...:)
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Hi,
I guess ill give an update here, its not exactly bad but its not great. I havent been using heroin but have been so depressed and sick and using some other prescription meds to "help" get by. I know its not a good thing to do, I am not completely sober but I am not using heroin either or any opiates and I am still going to school and working. I just cant deal with my head, my mind, and how depressed i am and the other stuff kind of eases that depression. Maybe I am screwing up I don't know, but I am just trying to find relief from this overwhelming depression without turning to opiates.
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If anyone has any suggestions to help with the depression that comes from detoxing im more then willing to hear them, but ive already tried things like natural remedies, and i dnt have any energy to excercise but i am up and about throughout the day moving around. I just hate being stuck alone with my own thoughts.
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Hey darlin', can you tell us what you are taking? That helps us answer your question better.....
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Thats GREAT that you're not doing the heroin or oxy's or any other opiates.  Is it the benzo's that you're taking now?  I know you were taking a small amount to keep the anxiety at bay when you were at your worst - is that what you're still taking?  If not, what? You mentioned suboxone once. Tell us so we can help you out.
You really sound better Harper - just talk to us more about what you're doing OK?  I for one am very proud of you for kicking the heroin and oxy's - that's tough stuff!

Keep posting...

S.
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I think the depression you're feeling is pretty normal with quitting opiates.  St. John's Wort is supposed to help with depression (it's all natural.)  Not sure if you've already tried it.  You could ask your doctor and see if they'll put you on an antidepressant.  But they take a couple of weeks to see results.  I'm not sure if there is anything that helps right away.

Sounds like you're pretty busy, even without formal exercise.  It's great you're able to keep up with your usual schedule.

You're doing great not taking any opiates!!!  What day are you on now?  Keep up the hard work; it's worth it.  What are you taking now?  Whatever it may be, I'm glad it's helping.  Just be careful if it's anything habit-forming.  I'd hate to see you have to come off anything else!

I hope someone has an answer for your depression.  I was put on Cymbalta for nerve pain.  It's an antidepressant.  I wasn't depressed at all before I took it.  It didn't help with the nerve pain and it through me into a very deep, dark depression.  I stopped taking it but the depression took a while to get rid of.  I didn't want to try another antidepressant after my experience with that and I just kept reminding myself that eventually it would pass.  It was very difficult to deal with.  Especially because I had 4 kids and things I had to do with them.  Even just talking with them was hard.  I wanted to shut myself off from everyone but couldn't.  It was about a month before I felt back to myself.

Keep posting!  So many of us are hoping and praying for you.  I hope the depression starts to ease.
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Hey Harper, day 7 off sub here now and seriously the only thing that helps is to walk. Even a short walk helps. It gets me out of my own screwed up head and it helps overall with everything.

I have zip for energy but force myself! It helps. Try it!

I'm SO proud of you girl! We didn't get like this overnight right? Give it time. Are you still seeing that counsellor? Getting that **** out of your head and off your chest will help a lot! Keep posting and stay strong my friend!!
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Just checking in... please post and let us know your ok. Worried about you..
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Hey, whats up buddy.... sounds like you have a canundrum going on. Work and school or death and addiction....You are not a disease, our friend, by any means, you are exactly who you are supposed to be, but you need help. Real uplifting and genuine help. I hope you can make it to a NA meeting, and just sit down and let it rip. This is the best school you will have ever become a student at. The whole community where you live will help with your recovery, just give them a chance. I live in a neighborhood with ten heroin dealers within ten blocks... the biggest buyers are college students.... you are not alone in this. You will need a doc (free clinic or what ever emergency room will take you... just leap
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Hope you're okay and that you post soon.  Getting a little concerned about you.
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Hey there hun,
Hope u are ok, no matter whats going on plz post so we know ur ok. I know how dark depression can be, and often the darker our worlds get, the harder it gets to let anyone in, i know i often have to literally force myself to meetings, and counselling sessions, and if it wasnt for my 2 yr old i doubt id go out at all when im really down, but no matter how im feeling his world must continue, he needs mummy no matter what!
Have u been to rehab? Im off to inpatient soon, i just cant do this alone, i really think it would be good for u, our using history is very similar and addiction is a hell of a monster to defeat and rehab provides a real solid foundation to recovery, something i think i think we all need and deserve!

Big hugs to u.
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While I am reading your post I am crying because my son was the same way and the same age. I hope you are still trying to get clean my son went through the same thing I do know he  also suffer a lot of pain as a parent you want help because you want take the pain but it up to you. You may not think it but you have a lot ppl that love you and beacuse of the last 5 years you thought you lost them but someone is on his or her knees pryaing for you. It will get better believe in yourself. You are the captain of life you make the choice of your life not the drug take control we all go through something in life you are not alone. My son is doing much better we still worry but he has taken control of his life.
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Hey Harper, It would be really nice to hear from you....

S.
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So many people have been helping and following your story for so long.  PLEASE post something.  Anything...

Alot of people are scared and thinking the worst...

Post something...let us know you're alive.  
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Hoping and praying you're okay.  I hope you'll post something and let us know what's going on.  A lot of us have been praying for you.  We know how hard this has been for you.  Just let us know you're alive.  If you haven't been able to beat this yet, it's okay.  You will do it.  Right now you have a lot of people really worried.  Please post a little something!
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hi everyone
I just spent some time re reading this thread, wow it is painful to read about how dark my life was and how depressed I was. I so appreciate everyones suppoert though and I wanted to write an update, finally a good update. I got outside support, the secret is out, and I am now almost two months sober from everything!!!. I feel better, I dont wake up dope sick anymore, I feel like an honest person and I am doing the right thing with my life. I am not on my own, i have in person support, and ive been surrounding myself with sober people at all times. Its a lot of work but every day tht  i stay sober i feel better and thats a gift that i dont want to lose.  Thank u everyone so much for all ur help.
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you are an inspiration harper!! hang in there!! very proud of you!!
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So glad to see how much you've accomplished!  It's worth all the hard work.  You had such a rocky road, and you should be so proud of yourself!  I'm really happy to hear from you!

(mellie4)
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OMG harper!!  This is WONDERFUL to hear.  I've thought about you and wondered how things werew going.  And to see this post - well it's the best way to start a day!  SO so happy for you.  I am so relieved to hear you have people who are supporting you through this.  It will continue to make all the difference in the world.

Thank you for the smile!  :)
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So glad to hear! I was just thinking about you yesterday and was hoping you were OK. :-) congrates!
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O my god, I just read every post and so glad to hear that your clean, I am still using but reading everything u have gone thru is very inspiring!!!! Hope everything works out for you, shoot me a message anytime w some tips!!!!
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GIRL!!!! An early Christmas present to yourself! I am absolutely giddy with joy right now about you. Please post again soon, because it will give the newbies hope---and mostly because all of us that knew you when you were struggling are delighted to hear the good news!
And the angels sing........
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Read the entire thread - Congrads!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I hope to be in your shoes in 30 days.
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glad to see you mad it so many try and dont you had a fight on your hands but you have one and the prize is yours congrats on your clean time drop by more often.........Gnarly
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so happy for you! you're quite a bit farther than me, but I'm right behind ya. It's a strange coincidence that I stumbled upon this thread today, I had been thinking about you just the other day :)
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thank you so much everyone its so nice to hear all the encouragement and it feels good to finally be able to come back here with good news. yes i will definitely come on more
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Awesome! Inspiring! Congrats!
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Thank you!!
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Just wanted to check in here. I am 7 months clean and feeling better each day. It is hard and its been a battle and theres been lots to deal with but there have been beautiful moments too. Not waking up dope sick, going back to school/work sober, living each day without the constant feeling of having to meet my dealer get more drugs get high...excercising, being around friends and family without being high or thinking about needing to get more drugs but just being there with them, feeling some peace in my mind and working through all the ****. And i definitely don't miss that dope sickness feeling. Ugh thats the worst. Anyways to anyone out there trying to get sober please dont give up on yourself, I wanted to so many times, and I am not here to preach because I still have a long road and a lot of work ahead of me, but it is worth it, it can be done and everyone deserves a chance to experience it.
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It is so good to hear from you and see that you made it to the other side. Keep going forward and keep working on you. The rewards will be worth the struggle. You are in my prayers.
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I, and many of us are right here in the same boat with you. I'm 3 years deeper in, and am proud you were able to recognize the harm you were doing at 22. I still thought I was invincible, on top of the world when I was 22.

Stay strong, do you have any support? Family or friends that are local?
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How long before you started sleeping bettter once you stated getting clean. Im on Day 14 myself and am finding inspiration from your story. Also Energy how long before that started getting better. AGAIN you are an inspiration to many of us dealing with the effects of our bad descsions. Continued Success in all you do in life. Well done!!!!
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Hi there Harper,

I can't tell you how great it is to read your post -  You've come a long way in the past 7 months, and I'm glad to see you're winning the battle against your addiction.   Congratulations to you girl...you SO deserve it.

Sandy ♦
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hi harper,
it is so wonderful to get an update from you. CONGRATULATIONS!!!
on your clean time. i am so happy for you that you are winning the battle day by day. it will continue to get easier. are you in counseling and/or support groups? keep up the good work. you are doing awesome.
continued blessings
debbie
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HarperOc, just wondering how you are making out? I have been thinking about you and praying really hard.you can certainly make it through, no matter how terrible you are feeling right now. Push through, and reclaim your life, you are sooooo worth it.
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HarperOc, just wondering how you are making out? I have been thinking about you and praying really hard.you can certainly make it through, no matter how terrible you are feeling right now. Push through, and reclaim your life, you are sooooo worth it.
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Hey Harp

I remember being on here together detoxing. I was newchapter0523 then but I couldn't seem to log in with that screen name so changed it. It will be one year for me in 3 weeks!! I'm so glad you were able to get clean. I know the tough road it is but it is SO MUCH better clean right? I'm trying to come on this site to give back and encourage others to get through. This site was SO helpful for me and I will always be greatful to the people who supported me. Take Care and God Bless!!
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Thank you everyone for the support. To answer someones question, yes i am in support groups/ AA/ counseling etc. weekly. Each day it is getting easier. Starting to feel normal again, feel good about myself, and hopeful about life. I am excited each morning when I wake up and no longer dope sick and crawling to the dealer, that is a blessing. Something I didint think possible. I am so grateful for my life right now. Of course there are bad days too, and not everything is all perfect, but i've done a lot of work the past 8 months to get here, worked on a lot of emotional and personal stuff and did what everyone told me to do, on here and in my life, and so far it is working. Today is a good day and I am sooo grateful. Thanks everyone for the support and comments.
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I am so very proud of you Harper. Way to go lady and keep up the good work!
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Me too - you are a true inspiration to me harper.
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Thank you :))
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Dear HarperOC,
I was clean for 3 years, using 4-7 lortab a a day. I relapsed a year ago when I went into the casino industry as a black jack dealer and started using oxy for pain and a better attitude towards my players.  I got clean on  dec 4 this year and have not used in 24 days. I have not been back to work yet but I go back on the first. I a freaking out about it.  I cry all the time too, still!!! Plus I am 40 years old starting all over again. My family does not know about my addiction because they would disown me.  Thank God I have a great husband but he's hard to talk to and he is getting bitter about me not making any money that we need to live. I am so scared to go to an na/aa meeting in fear that someone might know me and tell my family.  Plus I'm scared to drive because my brain is all over the place and I can't focus.  I hate my job but it's the only thing I can do to make a living.  
I can tell you this, today is better than yesterday.  I get anxious in the morning and late at night. Mostly cause I feel all alone at those times cause my husband is either sleeping or working.  But those anxious times are becoming smaller windows of time everyday.  Still freaking out about going back to work on January 1 but I am going to a dr on the 30th to talk.  I had a bunch of anti- depressant drugs but they all made me sick to my stomach, and nausias so I had to stop taking them.  Wondering if anyone out there had the same feeling on cymbalta, trazadone??? It hurt my stomach so bad to take them.  I still have them but I'm scared to take them....it would be really nice to hear back from some of you out there...I feel all alone in this quest and really need some support
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Avatar_f_tn
Dear HarperOC,
I was clean for 3 years, using 4-7 lortab a a day. I relapsed a year ago when I went into the casino industry as a black jack dealer and started using oxy for pain and a better attitude towards my players.  I got clean on  dec 4 this year and have not used in 24 days. I have not been back to work yet but I go back on the first. I a freaking out about it.  I cry all the time too, still!!! Plus I am 40 years old starting all over again. My family does not know about my addiction because they would disown me.  Thank God I have a great husband but he's hard to talk to and he is getting bitter about me not making any money that we need to live. I am so scared to go to an na/aa meeting in fear that someone might know me and tell my family.  Plus I'm scared to drive because my brain is all over the place and I can't focus.  I hate my job but it's the only thing I can do to make a living.  
I can tell you this, today is better than yesterday.  I get anxious in the morning and late at night. Mostly cause I feel all alone at those times cause my husband is either sleeping or working.  But those anxious times are becoming smaller windows of time everyday.  Still freaking out about going back to work on January 1 but I am going to a dr on the 30th to talk.  I had a bunch of anti- depressant drugs but they all made me sick to my stomach, and nausias so I had to stop taking them.  Wondering if anyone out there had the same feeling on cymbalta, trazadone??? It hurt my stomach so bad to take them.  I still have them but I'm scared to take them....it would be really nice to hear back from some of you out there...I feel all alone in this quest and really need some support
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Avatar_f_tn
Dear HarperOC,
I was clean for 3 years, using 4-7 lortab a a day. I relapsed a year ago when I went into the casino industry as a black jack dealer and started using oxy for pain and a better attitude towards my players.  I got clean on  dec 4 this year and have not used in 24 days. I have not been back to work yet but I go back on the first. I a freaking out about it.  I cry all the time too, still!!! Plus I am 40 years old starting all over again. My family does not know about my addiction because they would disown me.  Thank God I have a great husband but he's hard to talk to and he is getting bitter about me not making any money that we need to live. I am so scared to go to an na/aa meeting in fear that someone might know me and tell my family.  Plus I'm scared to drive because my brain is all over the place and I can't focus.  I hate my job but it's the only thing I can do to make a living.  
I can tell you this, today is better than yesterday.  I get anxious in the morning and late at night. Mostly cause I feel all alone at those times cause my husband is either sleeping or working.  But those anxious times are becoming smaller windows of time everyday.  Still freaking out about going back to work on January 1 but I am going to a dr on the 30th to talk.  I had a bunch of anti- depressant drugs but they all made me sick to my stomach, and nausias so I had to stop taking them.  Wondering if anyone out there had the same feeling on cymbalta, trazadone??? It hurt my stomach so bad to take them.  I still have them but I'm scared to take them....it would be really nice to hear back from some of you out there...I feel all alone in this quest and really need some support
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