How to quit benzodiazapines after 22 years of usage?

[angst]

I have PTSD and borderline personality d/o.  I am not a strong borderline.  I hold down jobs for long periods and I'm not sexually overactive.  I've been in therapy for 7 years with a PhD in psychology.  All my doctors, since I was 14 years old have placed me on one or another benzo.  I've tried SSRI's and the new neuroleptics.  I've tried all the new anticonvulsants.  I am a nurse without a license because of my addiction to opiates.  I live in a state where methadone is illegal for treatment.  I travel across state line to obtain it.  This time it saved my life.  I do not misuse the xanax or whatever benzo I am taking at the time.  I know one of the side effects is memory loss.  I cannot function without it.  I am home bound.  I cannot work, take my child for outings, or drive.  Will I ever be able to get off the benzodiazapines like the licensure board wants.  I do not want to practice nursing right now.  I do not want to be around the drugs.  I am changing my career.  Do I need a good psychiatrist instead of my internist who treats me for asthma.
Asthma is another reason I take the benzodiazapines.  A SL xanax will help stop a broncospasm after I've had my albuterol inhaler much quicker than without the xanax.  What are your thoughts?  I always tell my doctors that I am an opiate addict on methadone.  I give them a list of all my meds.  I take trazadone to help sleep.  But I usually get less than 18 hours of sleep anyway.  Can you help?

[tlk]

Why are you housebound, because of the medical problems, or depression? I would't leave the house for weeks after detoxing, just recently got better. Luckily my mom came and got me and took me to San Antonio with her, to stay there and be taken care of. She forced me to eat, leave the house, get out of bed. I didn't want to but I did, or face her wrath.
It was bad, leaving my kids for five days with my husband; I know it was a huge strain on him since he's the only one earning money, had to take them to school and pick them up, cook, all that. We paid his mom to come clean one day. Once I got home I started to fall right back in bed, then forced myself to PRETEND that I felt better. Sometimes pretending makes me actually start to feel that way. I'm good at pretending, too!
I'm hitting a meeting Sunday. Are there others in your area that don't have meeting hogs? This board has been very therapeutic (sp) for me. I will email later; my address is ***@****, if you want to write.

[tlk]

Oh Angst, I am sorry. But don't blame yourself for HIS actions. Take responsibility for what you did, but his wife cannot hold you guilty for what HE did. You did not cheat on her; you did not commit adultery against her even in the legal sense! What happened is between you and your husband, and between him and his wife. She may not accept that but you must, and block her out of your life. I know it sucks having someone hate you like that, and you probably feel like a horrible person. You aren't. You are human. You made a mistake, or maybe you just did what you had to at the time. We've all been there.
How old is your daughter? You have to forgive yourself. Your husband has to forgive you (if he knows). You have to move on. If you are still together, have you thought of renewing your vows? It can be very healing, because you are making a new start. Just a thought...
Remember, the mistakes you make are what make you the person you are now. Of all the horrible things I've done, there are only a few I truly would change. The rest made me grow and change. Some were just so bad they weren't worth any amount of growth! But I'm trying to channel even those, using them for my writing, trying to get something out of this ****!
If you want to talk, let me know. I can sympathize. tlk

[oh please already]

well good morning! here i was whining on the other borud and you still took the time for me.  :) you made me relize something else,i too have been using my inhalers a lot too( STRESS I GUESS) and i forgot how jumpy that stuff makes me-  anyway just a note to let you and everyone to know im loving you and just so thankful ,without every one here i would be without hope      laura

[angst]

tlk,  i can almost always use an ear and some positive feedback.
i tend to be very hard on myself. i take blame for everything, even if i was not there.  i appreciate your words of encouragement.  if you want to email-***@****- is my address.  i do not make enough meetings, because that means i have to get out of the house.  there is also a 13 stepper who stops by our group from time to time.  he is functionally illiterate, and his manipulation on the group(using up the whole hour on killing his dog or something like that) is frustrating.  i want to get up and walk out.  i guess i'm too polite.  

meagain,  it sure is good to see you posting again.  how are you feeling?  how is the taper going or do you take the bup for chronic pain?  did you get in touch with your doctor?  let me know how it turned out.

[Seamstress]

This is a really bad time of year for asthmatics.  All that pollen.  I will never understand why people carry grudges.  Look at it this way.  It hurts them more than you because it will eat them up inside. You made amends and let it go, so you are a much better person and probably a happier one because of that. And you're probably right that at some point, she'll lose interest in you or find someone else to torment.

[tlk]

Angst, I'm sorry for the problems. I too have a person, a woman who I never did a thing to, who wants to hurt me. Also a man who I don't even know, who hates me as well. I know why: I was the sheriff's right-hand-girl. Everyone thought we were having an affair (he's old enough to be my dad) which I most certainly was not, although he wanted to. Anyway after I quit my job, they actually called the media and said I was suing the sheriff for sexual harrasment. They would call my mother-in-law in the middle of the night. The man had been fired and hated me; I don't know why the woman did it. It's terrible, having someone hate you. If you made amends, try to let it go. Screw em. If they can't get a life and have to ruin yours, they are the ones with the problems. You can do nothing else, so don't waste your energy on it. It's tough; I hurt people too and am trying to forgive myself. In this case making amends directly would hurt them more. I screwed up my life so bad; ruined my reputation, my career, and almost my family. Please know you are not alone. I hope you feel better.