Broke and Snapped at my Mom: Feeling Crummy

[loveandlight05]

So I just broke down and snapped at my mom. I came home from work, and she was there watching the babies. I told her that I really, really, really need to go to a meeting. I know it is my husband's job to watch his own children and allow me to go to a meeting or two a week. it really isn't that hard to watch your own kids for an hour and a half. Then she told me I should have thought of that before I got pregnant. I am so freaking tired of hearing that I should not have gotten pregnant. I have heard that from the moment we conceived. I have heard how we don't have the money. My mother cried when I learned that I was having twins because she didn't think I should have gotten pregnant, and now there are two. So obviously her saying that triggered me. My babies are perfect. No, I am not rich. I am pretty stinking poor considering I am really the only one who works in my household. But I love them with everything I have. I would not change one thing because changing one thing would mean that they would not be exactly who they are.

I can't even explain to you how I feel. It is like I am wound up so tight right now that I feel like I am going to explode. Of course she had to throw in my face that they paid for my attorney and to bail me out. And of course I got the "you should have thought about that when you decided to use drugs". Yup, I should have, but if my family keeps pulling me into the past all of the time, I am never going to be able to live in the present. They act like I have murdered my aunt. I am not saying doctor shopping and my addiction are not bad, but I did not murder anyone. Plus, I feel ******* bad enough about what I did as it is.

You know, my mother was giving me her oxy and feeding my addiction because it was much easier to do that than to admit that I am an addict and need help. I am trying so hard to stay sober. I just want to go to a meeting. Is that too much to ask????? I have become a work horse. It doesn't matter that I am broken down and all ****** up. Everyone just wants to keep riding me and making sure I produce money. All anyone cares about is if I make money. And I am trying to stay alive. I am fighting for my life and my freedom, and all anyone wants me to do is go to work?????????!!!??!?!? I need rehab or out patient or something. Work is not going to keep me sober and free. Why can't anyone just let me get help? THIS is EXACTLY why I never got help in the first place. This is why I just kept using: so I didn't inconvenience anyone or disrupt my income. My husband is not going to know what the **** to do once my paycheck is gone. AHHHHHH!!!!

[kellygirll]

i feel for you so so much your situation really ***** here you are trying so hard to do the right thing only to be knocked by all sides but you are so strong and you have your children that need you have you checked out SMART recovery its all online i looked into it when i was in rehab a bit b/c i was having trouble with the third step but I'm over that now lol but check it out if you can't get to meetings everything is online so you can do it from your home like when the babies are sleepig you so need some type of support you are totally in my thoughts and prayers =)

[NeverAgain127]

Thank your kind words.  I'm not that wise, just old (!)  It so much easier for me to be there for other people and then be very hard on myself.

I recognize that is a trigger, and I'm endeavoring to find mercy for ME.   I am in pain 24/7 right now, but it feels better than the numbed out, itchy, nauseous state that being on oxycodone produced.  Oh, and constipated!  Lets not forget constipated!  I was using laxatives like candy...not good for my body either.

I keep telling my daughter...we never know what life has in store for us, but we move on.  One foot in front of the other...when I was in my 20's and 30's I was a daily jogger, and I would chant that to myself as I jogged.  I'd look down and see one sneaker going one step in front of the other sneaker.  Over and over...and it worked.

How I WISH I could run again!   My spinal problems make it impossible...but I never felt better in my LIFE than I did after a 5K run.   All those natural endorphins pulsing through me.

Music is helping me with the pain these days.   I think as we get older, we forget how important music was to us when we were younger...at least this is what has happened to me.  I used to WORSHIP certain bands and run out and buy their albums the day they were released.  My daughter still does that.  Music is like a safe drug for her.  Someone should do a study o the effects of music and recovery from addiction!!

Sorry to ramble...and thank you again...

[spider6]

Neveragain, I love your post and want to come live beneath your wings.  How is it that at 419 days clean, I can get such wisdom and encouragement from a newbie?!  Both you and young loveandlight are inspiring!  Following and supporting,  prayers and strength and love and hugs to you both.  How you are able to write whilst in such pain is such a feat to me.  Charge onward.

[NeverAgain127]

Sweetie:

You are going thru such a hard time.  I can relate to a lot of what you post.  I am the breadwinner for my family.  I'm staying clean one day at a time, and yet I'm still the chief cook and bottle washer.  It *****.  I told my husband the other night "stop coming home from work and looking at me like a deer in the headlights and asking 'is there anything to eat'?"   I let my family use me for a long, long time.   I'm the rock.  I'm the everything-to-everyone.  

My daughter just got out of a BAD relationship and came back home to live.  She mopes around and cries a lot.  If I tell her to buck up it just gets worse.   She laid this all on me during DAY 3---talk about stress!!

Don't even get me started on my mother.  I try to go easy on her now because she is terminally ill, but she was a perfectly horrid parent.   She abused me every day of my life (physically, emotionally, verbally.)  This is just my opinion, but I would stop apologizing to your mother.  You did nothing wrong.   To say you are sorry then not have her graciously reply speaks volumes.   It sounds like she doesn't get it.

I had a therapist once tell me that expecting my mother to act In a loving and understanding way was like expecting a fig tree to produce oranges.  It just isn't going to happen.  

I know this is a really tough time for you....are you doing anything to release all the tension building up inside of you?   Exercise is SO, SO. So helpful.  I know the last thing you probably feel like doing now is jumping on a treadmill, but anything that keeps you moving is GOOD.  

You talked about how it was helpful to keep busy doing stuff for the twin's party.   There's gold in that comment.  Just keep moving.


I think it was on day 8, I was alone in the house (I work from home sometimes, but I was useless my first 10 days.)  I thought my head was going to explode too...so I took my dresser drawers and just dumped them out on my bed.   That forced me to re-fold all my clothes...I know it sounds simplistic, but it really did help.  

You are going to make it.   Promise yourself that no matter what, you will not use again.   That your love for those babies is stronger than your addiction.   I agree with msdelight; find an online meeting if you can't go to one physically.

One more suggestion:  do you write?   I find journaling every day, even If it is just one word, is very helpful.  It give you a timelines to look back on your progress (and you ARE making progress!)

Hang in there...one day at a time.  One hour sometimes.  Just do the next right thing that is in front of you.  What is that old saying?   Take care of today, and tomorrow will take care of itself.

You're doing EVERYTHING right.   Hugs..

[luvdolphins58]

Ok I could be wrong totally out of line but here goes. Why is hubby still in house. Sounds like more of liability thsn asset. Financial sounds like better without him.  Next issue  I have found in family dynamics often time its mu h easier for family keep you in a certain role. Good bad or in different. It's what I have be4 dealing with along time. If family can keep u in role and continues put u down mu h easier for them than for them look at themselves. I was a victim of several unfair unjust things. So family and myself always had me in victim role and mentality. Once I got out of that mindset my family has been horrible to me. No matter what I do they want keep me there. I'm only saying tbis yes it hard but remember it's there problem. Keep up good work. Keep taking good care of babies. Rise above and breakout of their mindset. You deserve this for u and your babies. Praying for God's peace love to overcome u.

[atthebeach]

Yes what a refreshing post. Yes huni you are clean and sober now.
Yes look at the bright side. That's what you just did.
Happy first birthday to your twins.
You apologized to your mom. Good job.
that's all that matters.let her deal with her own demons.
You are going to be ok.
Keep the faith.
Go to church on Sunday and put the babies in the nursery during. service.

[msdelight]

Honey you are really starting to get this. So proud of you. Try online meetings until you can get out or as a suppliment. It's going to be ok I promise.  You're tired. Its been a long week. It gets better.

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

I'm so sorry if I used the wrong word......I'm still working on my people skills (homework) and don't always use the right word...victim may not be right...but you are filled with remorse and it shows with every word you say...and I'm not saying you do not have the right to those emotions.  However, you are doing something very, very difficult and the people who are refusing to support you don't seem to recognize that what you are doing is not easy and that it would be easier if they would support you.

All I'm suggesting is you be a bit more assertive about your needs...and I would suggest that you call two places in your county...first your county mental health clinic and second, your county should have a public health department.  They should be able to direct you to some programs that you can use and also be able to help you out with the childcare.  If your family won't support you well you just gotta find a way around that.

Give it a try...can't hurt.  P.S.  I see a huge improvement in you since you first posted.  You are on the right track...we've just got to find ways to help you get the help you so desperately want.  I am sorry for using the wrong word :-(

Hugz

[loveandlight05]

I do not feel like I am a victim. I feel like I am the perpetrator. My husband came home to help me clean and mow the yard for the babies' first birthday bash tomorrow. I have been keeping really busy tonight setting up for the party, so I am OK. I am better when I am busy. When I have idle time, I start to lose it.

I text my mom and apologized for griping at her, but she did not text back. Accept the things I cannot change, right?

I know I need to go to meetings. I have tried everything as far as child care is concerned. It just isn't happening. I might be able to go on Sunday if my husband will let me. I say "let me" because if he chooses to get up and leave, I obviously can't leave my children at home alone and drive away to a meeting.

I want the judge who oversees my case to know that I am pretty much like a single parent. I support my children financially, I carry their medical insurance, and I am their primary care giver. My husband watches them a little in the morning and early afternoon Monday though Friday, but he doesn't do anything with us as a family on the weekend or week nights. It is mostly me and the twins by ourselves which is fine by me. They are the only two people in the world that I love more than anything. I want to be with them always, but I know that I need to take an hour and a half for myself to go to meetings. I hope I can get to one soon.

I think my family just wants to sweep this under the rug again or chalk is up to "she's in rehab, so she's fine now". But this will be a life long endeavor for my to stay sober. It is not merely a passing phase. i want this so much. I was sitting in my children's room tonight watching them sleep, and I thought about how scared I am to lose them. Then I thought about how I am clean and sober. Why would anyone take them away from a sober, drug free parent? They wouldn't. I have nothing to hide now. CPS could come over here a million times, and I would be clean every time. So no one will take them as long as I am clean and sober. I can see someone taking them if the parent is still abusing drugs, but I am not abusing drugs anymore. I am on the right path, and that feels good. Knowing that I could pass a urinalysis feels really good. As long as I stay the course, the babies and I will be OK.

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

I have a mother that can be extremely controlling and she has hated me my whole life because she couldn't control me.  One thing I learned thru my sobriety is that I cannot allow her own demons to ruin my happiness and I told her so.  Since then we have started a friendship....it is still fragile but she now treats me as an adult and a friend.  You cannot worry about what everyone else says....and if it were me....I wouldn't be asking my husband....I would be telling him...on such and such a date I'm going to be going to a meeting so you had best get your behind home.  That is...if you would like to have a healthy wife.   Be a bit assertive and quit acting like a victim.  I hope you understand I'm not trying to be mean here at all....but you have to stand up for yourself because no one else is going to.

Much Love!

[msdelight]

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Big deep breath ok. Your not alone.

[VICourageous]

It is SO SO important to try to FOCUS on YOU & only you right now..Drama & Stress is a Big Red Flag!!! Try to set up some Boundaries here. I did that back in Sept 2012 when I first came clean..I could no longer at that time take care of everyone like I always did. Heck, I could not even do all my chores and go to work at first.  I know it is hard but it has to be done..Maybe take your Family like your Mom and Hub to a couple of meetings so they can learn a bit about Addiction. Addiction is a disease and like any disease we need help. Maybe if they could watch some Videos or read some info about the "Disease of Addiction" the "Nature of Addiction" and Addiction and the Pleasure Pathway beyond Willpower" then they might understand it a bit better and give you Support not put you down or give you such a hard time..YOU do not need this right now or you will keep going down the wrong road. DO NOT let others control your Life right now that you are working so hard to get help on..They all need some help too! I sure wish you the best and please never give up just keep your foot down on the ground and tell them to go take a hike for a while until they know more about this disease.
Bless

[dominosarah]

You dont have to explain to your mom about those babies anymore and you shouldnt have to listen to that toxic crap coming out of her mouth.  In time you will realize this is her problem and not yours.  Sounds like she has her own set of issues and they come out on you.  We have some people in our meetings who have older kids that will watch other peoples kids while they are at a meeting.  Ask around about that.  Your emotions are going to be all over the place right now.  That will ease up with time too.  When the babies go to bed soak in a warm bath and try to relax.

[jifmoc]

P.S.- in your post I can see that you are infuriated by your family. It sux. It does. BUT...this is the fall out we have to deal with. You can't control how your family or anyone reacts. You are letting OTHER PEOPLE'S opinions consume you. Again, that's one of the zillion things that meetings help with.

I wish you luck:)

[jifmoc]

Honey, I'm gonna pull an IBKLEEN here and be very direct w/ you: you NEED to go to a meeting EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. at this point. 2x a week, is not nearly enough. Especially in the beginning. You are so consumed by anxiety, and don't know if you've even taken all this advice in. You NEED a sponsor. They are there to hear you vent. In addition to sharing at meetings.

Right now eff what your Mom says. Or what anyone says. If you keep getting into a tizzy like this, you will use. I'm concerned that you are not protected and supported enough in the "real world" This site is great but it's not enough.

I agree w/ Merri. If you can afford or get a therapist do it. But meetings are FREE. Go to AA (I do) if there aren't enough NA meetings. But you have to make the time.  

[Merri123]

This stinks for you. You know it is because they don't understand. And well things don't happen to people like you/them.

Please I really think it would be a good idea to see your therapist once a week or even every other week. You need more than once a week.

Rembering you are not the only one. I am a financial professional. I have my Masters Degree. I have 2 kids. I own my own house, car, pay my bills. And I got caught up in it too. It's not easy but you will get through this.

Why does your husband only work part time?