I am considering GIVING UP!!!!

[OnOxyfor10yrs]

As some of you may have read my previous forums, Iam a chronic pain patient who's life has been dramitically altered by going off my pain meds. I am now very weak and have a plan to go off the sub and get back on opiates. My life is one of isolation, depression and despair from the pain.

I think I have learned my lesson with abusing pain meds. I know i need to take them as I am supposed to. What was I thinking looking for that high when my pain was an 8 sometimes out of 10. What to do guys/gals think? I cannot take certain non-  opaite pain meds b/c I have a clotting disoroder and the brusing I have from the advil, and prevoius Lyrica taken has appauled my co workers when I show them the brusing. I look like a beaten and battered woman. I can't take this anymore. I am willing to see a CP doc that will monitor me so I dont abuse them but finding one is hard to find.

I don't want to ruin my life, but feel it already is. If you all knew what i suffred from which is rare, you would tell me to go on pain meds. I take tramadol (sparingly)  only on the real bad days and take 2x as much as I should.


I need help everyone. I want my life back w/o chronic unrelenting pain. Please any adviced b/f I leave the forum and have to do what I hav to do to get pain relief from a doctor.


xxxx

L

[cathy5841]

what advice are you looking for.  it sounds like you have already made up your mind.  you should know that as an addict it is very doubtful you can take the pain meds a prescribed for any length of time.  once you start abusing your meds it is very hard to go back...i had surgery after i quit the oxys and had my hubby hold them,,,if i had the script i would have abused them no doubt.  i understand you have pain, but before you get back on pills please explore all your options...you know a lifetime of pills is not a good life.  i will be praying for you.

[worried878]

It is just not har do take a reasonable dose..it is virtually impossible after addicted to go back and be a "normal" user....i am not sure how ur life was before u used exactly and what exactly led u to quit...i am sure there was a reason...u r digging a deep hole but i do hope u get the pain relief u so desperately want..i hope everyone quits hurting here...a majic wand that takes pain away...but it may take alot of strength to get all the dirt off of u to get out of the hole u r digging..so u better start lifting weights or sumpin....will pray for u that u do not lose urself and that ur hole is not too deep..that ur pain goes away and u can control ur use when u start back up on oxies...i am not sure my prayers are strong enuf for all that so i might oughta go to church everday to make those prayers come true! or ask the virgin mary to help as i dont think i can swing it even with my prayers as i may would be asking too much

[theeagle]

I dont play the "I hurt more than you" game --- so just trust me that I have very solid reasons to take a narc right now -- and it doesnt get any brighter for my prognosis -- Textbooks say that I will be lucky to go into a coma before dementia and delirium that come after the pain issues --- And I am really happy that I chose this route right now -- Not sure if I can put it in classy words for you ... but life rocks....much more so than when I was blitzed perpetually. I also learned my lessons. One of the first (this time around) was that I cant do the narcs graciously ..... I can obtain a lengthy supply from a Doctor - - but I dont want to and I wont. Because I truthfully know what would happen. Dont want to go back there....... and I do have willpower - I am one of those that kept a bottle in my gun safe when i quit ........ Not about the pain. What do we people think, you asked? I think that you want an answer that will validate your own decision....Wont come from me - - I will instead ask you to stick it out a shade longer......I have just over one year in now ...... working on that second year. I also think you should do some more reading in archives and medical literature and concentrate hard on the parts that mention cravings and accompanying weaknesses at certain time points in the recocvery process ...... For some reason they are real. Think very seriously for a while about this. You indicate that you dont wish to mess up your life? I dont wish for you to mess up your life either ----   and you are very close to doing so ------------------------    eagle

[ochooked]

Please Onoxy - Don't do it.  It isn't worth it and it is a lie -  you will not recapture that euphoric feeling that you remember -- it isn't the same -----  that is the secret we all learn after so many years of use -- that it never quite gets back to what we remember -- we only think it will and then when it doesn't, we live with remorse.   As soon as you use again, you will feel awful ---- awful about being deceived -- awful about your perceived failing -- awful about yourself.  Please hang in there - -things will get better --- I know they will - and down deep you know it too.   Think of all the reasons you waned to quit --- those reasons are still valid.  Keep fighting - -- keep struggling ---- never give in to the drugs - never.   I know you can do this -  I know how badly you want to get totally away from the drugs - the cravings - and the nightmare that goes with using them --- Remember what one poster said - ---- One is way too many and 10, 000 are never enough -- that is so true -- don't let them take your soul --- you are fighting back -- you will win.   Live Onoxy --- LIVE.  Chose life.   We are all wishing you the very best.  Keep talking to us.  

[avisg]

Here is the thing once you have abused your meds its really hard to go back to taking them as directed.If it were that easy alot of us would still be taking them ,myself as well as many others have cronic pain issues .We have found ways handle our pain w/o
narcotics. Maybe  your pain is too severe for that only you know . I will tell you it took a few months after I quit but by about 90 days My pain levels were so much better then when I took the narcotics .Now does this mean I will be able to deal with the pain forever w/o narcotics I dont know but for now I can handle it W/O them.

[minlb]

Have you considered morphine pumps? the way the wrk is a pump is implanted in your abdomen and a catheter runs from the pump to your spine or the pain center, it is on a continuos drop however they need much less meds that way than are taken orally (the ration is around 1 to 175, very mg through the pump equals about 175 mg orally). It will not make you high, the meds stays in your pain center and it will liberate your life imo. They can use morphine or diluted something else via pump and in my experience it works better than the pills and it frees you to have a life again. You can contact me directly if you want more info/advice.
Good luck

[heathag]

Im going to have to agree with worried878 on this one. Dont do it. I know i cant just take as prescribed i tried and now i feel more miserable because i failed not only at quiting the pills but i couldnt even follow the script. Im sorry for your pain but there's gotta be something other than an adictive opiate to help. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

[theeagle]

More thoughts.....I have been in positions to observe a lot of unique human behavior....sometimes when i was patching up a bleeding and gunshot individual. Sometimes it wasnt about the wound....it was instead about personal values. There were a few instances where the individual wound wasnt the determining factor in survival.....it was more of a courage thing......a very few guys just gave up too soon....not as bad a hit as someone else may have had - - - but it killed them really dead. Some came through and there was not a visual nor medical reason for them to be alive right then...but they pulled through and made it ...They fought hard and never gave in.....All about attitude at that point in time....Never throw in the towel ----  Are you a survivor??  I surely do hope so, Oxy --- --- I dont feel that you are a lost cause ...................         eagle  

[princess2000]

I really hope you do not go through with your plan!  Talk to your doctor about different solutions to your pain.  I will pray for you, as I know God is my strength, and can heal you if you ask for his help. I truley believe this with all my heart and soul!  I was a mess trying to detox cold turkey off hydros.  With the help of God and this web site, I made it!!!  You can too, Alot of people are here for you and will be sending prayers your direction.  YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Princess 2000

[wannabefree330]

We have had extensive discussions girl.  I know what you are going through.  Only you know what you can handle. But as eagle said, don't give in so easily.  It is true about pain not being as severe as we think it is while on pain meds.  As soon as your body adjusts to the receptors not being full you begin to create your own endorphins and you realize the pain isn't so bad after all.  Perceptive pain i call it.  

You want to be like it was before the chronic pain.....well you and I both know you will be in pain the rest of your life. What steps have you taken to obtain all the information we talked about?  If you are giving up without looking into ALL your alternatives and exhausting all avenues then you really are just caving into the addiction and wanting an excuse to continue using.  Look how many have said they were never able to use 'as prescribed' after having been through detox and recovery for a bit?  Myself included.  3X i thought I could do so.  I even had friends and my own children hold them and dispurse....but I always found a way to abuse them.  Yes I had pain, but what i wanted them for was the high.  Don't kid yourself.  If you want the high then why waste time on the sub still?  quit now and go back to the oxy.  You yourself said you already abuse your ultram?  You take double the dose?  You also say you can't take advil/ibuprofen but you do so anyway?  So what makes you think you won't do it with the oxy?  You are not the only one in the world with a rare chronic pain issue.  Someone out there is dealing with something very similar.  Find out what is working for them.....if you really want that.

We will be here for you whenever you need advice on this bloody disease.  We all have to live with pain....every day.  Some more severe than others but nonetheless it is there.

You have come this far......find another cp specialist....the one you have is not working for you.....keep looking till you find the right one....they're out there.  Quit worrying about what everyone else thinks and do what's right for you.  If you can truely live with yourself while you abuse your oxy and wallow in self pity then go for it.  If not, get out there and fight....like you have been doing since the event took place.

wannabe

[dominosarah]

Please look at all your options before you decide to go back to opiates.  Once we have abused them we will never be able to go back to taking them as directed.  I know your pain is bad but there are other options than going back.  You are not alone here so please keep talking to us.   Stay strong and stay on this forum...........sara

[JENZ_N_RECOVERY]

OMG....PLEASE DO NOT GO BACK TO THAT LIFE....I WAS ON OXYZ TO AND TRIED LOTS OF TIMES TO GET CLEAN....EVERYTIME I RELAPSED THE W/D SO 100TIMES WORSE....U DONT WANT THAT....EVEN IF THER IS A NEXT TIME FOR YOU....
I HAD SURGRY A WEEK AGO AND 5 KIDNEY STONE....EVERYONE SAYS THATS ONE OF THE WORST PAINS TO ENDURE....AND B/C I LOVE MYSELF....MY BEAUTFIL SON.....MY AWESOME FAMILY....I WOULDNT EVEN LET THE DR SEND ME HOME WIT ANY MEDS...I JUST TOOK THE PAIN  IT WAS HARD BUT I COULD DO IT...IVE CAME THIS FAR AND CANT GO BACK ONLY FORWARD.....AS WELL AS YOU HUNNY!!
I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS AND IM HERE IF U WANNA TALK!!!!
JUST PLEASE THINK ABOUT THIS!!!
MY PRAYERS R WIT YOU!
~~~~~hugs~~~~~
JENZ
like sarah said there r other options....please explore them b4 doin this  i would hate to see you loose all your clean time that you worked for!!!

[helpjen]

Have you tried neurontin or gabapentin to aid with you pain and the suboxone together. Would definately be a better combo for you.  You have come so far. You most certainly have pain, but since the extra doses already aren't working, you will spiral out of control quickly.  So many people are pulling for you!  You can do this!  We all have our moments of weakness, but is it really worth going back to square one again.  Then you will really beat yourself up and depression will worsen!
Good luck- you are in my prayers!

[Amphitrite]

I know I don't know you and I'm not an addict but my natural parents are so I read through the forum often. but thought I'd add my opinion anyway or a little advice and hope it helps you in some way.
if you NEED to go back on the pain medication you should find a pain doctor that specializes in addiction also. They can watch your dosage and prescriptions very clsely and carefully while helping to give you other coping skills to deal with your pain and give you a little more of a chance to not start abusing your medications.
But of course sometimes the pull of addiction is so strong it doesn't matter who you see.

Keep in mind also that of your body is craving narcotics because of addiction it can psychologically cause a physical sensation of magnified pain to get what it wants and you may not even relaize. I'm not saying this is your case, only that it does happen quite often in chronic pain patients even those that aren't addicted because the body starts to depend on the medication physically.

Just be careful in your decision and take the steps you need to have a safetly net in the case you do decide to go back on the medication. A therapist, psychiatrist, addictions/pain specialist. Anyone who has a vast understanding of the effects of chronic pain and addiction together.

Sorry if you've already gotten this advice. I didn't read all the responses. I do feel for what your going through and hope you can find a way to safetly treat your pain without putting your health at further risk. But I also know if the pain is bad enough, your well being is at risk also which can be just as devestating to your life.
Good luck to you

Amph

[worried878]

Unfortunately..for most of us...having a doctor who will watch our dose does not help as we have tentacles all over our body that can find the pills without a scrip...sad but true

[refusingbondage]

Hi OnOxy - I sent you a pm too.  I just want to throw some support your way.  Do not give in.  It is very very true that we really cannot tell how bad our pain is while on pain meds as for a lot of people, long term opiate us exacerbates your pain.  I just want for you to really think about this and remember all the things that made you want to quit in the first place.  I am not sure of what exactly your pain is but there are ways to heal yourself and alleviate you pain opiate free.  

[CYMER]

I can feel your “Pain” no pun intended.  Most members on this site deal with some sort of pain or another. I have 10 out of 12 thoracic vertebra and two lumbar crushed from being all I could be. 6 weeks ago I just said enough after over 8 years on some heavy duty stuff. It’s all a question of “How bad do you want it” There are other ways to deal wit pain than just medicating it. I guess for me I’d rather have the pain rather than the outlook on a not so long future.

[Amphitrite]

I understand, but in very extream cases where the pain causes devestating effects to the body and mind the options become few to find a way to have the level of a quality of life that keeps someone safe.  

I'm not saying that all people in Chronic Pain should be taking narcotic pain killers. I think that alot of people turn to them without first trying other non-narcotic options that would have been successful. But there are extreamly severe cases of chronic pain that devestate someones life more than the option of going back on the medication would.

In the case of someone abtteling addiction returning to narcotics for valid health reasons should be a last option and used when your well being is at risk when no other avenues are working and someone starts seeing options that are extreamly dangerous.
Unfortunitly severe chronic pain isn't always as black and white as I wish it were when addiction comes into play.

But also in my opinion in severe cases it's better to involve a doctor who knows a vast amount about chronic pain and addiction than to fight against it when you feel you can't and end up getting them illegally with no medical of psychological support or precausionary measures at all.

Again, just my opinion for severe pain cases. I don't want anyone to think that I feel everyone in chronic pain needs to be on pain killers, I don't. Only those cases which are severe and don't respond to any other treatments.

Amph