Aa
I feel like my life is falling apart right in front of my eyes
Jeez... I am having emotions and circumstances that I've never dealt with before and I'm not handling it very well. I am only typing this because I really have no other "release". I'm not sure yet if I will even hit the "post question" button. First of all, money has been very tight lately. I live in the Northeast and rely on fuel oil for heat. I have had to dump every gallon of fuel by hand this year. I couldn't even buy my daughter a present on her 18th birthday this last Sunday. I have acted irrational and I really feel that my family is slipping through my fingers. I haven't been a very good dad or husband for quite awhile now. I am pain pill free and I have quit smoking pot. My only demon left is beer and it's gotta go and I mean quick.
I know that my family is my responsibility and I really feel like I've let them down. They haven't had their dad at home for many years. They have had a dad who has always been "buzzed" on something. I have put these things in front of my family for years and I am now seeing the consequences of not putting them first. Words cannot describe how terrible that makes me feel. How can I repair years of putting them 2nd? I can't type anymore because this is not helping.
I really thought things were supposed to get better when we quit all of this c r a p but things have only gotten worse. I have wasted half of my life with my selfishness and I have crippled my relationship with my daughter and probably with my wife as well and nothing could be more painful. I'm sorry to be such a downer today and start the forum off with my problems.... I have no friends and no one that I can talk to. I know people here but that's it. In most cases my wife and I talk about everything but now that isn't happening so I keep all of this bottled in. I don't know what to do. I thought I was on the right path but it sure doesn't feel very right.
Trout
I know that my family is my responsibility and I really feel like I've let them down. They haven't had their dad at home for many years. They have had a dad who has always been "buzzed" on something. I have put these things in front of my family for years and I am now seeing the consequences of not putting them first. Words cannot describe how terrible that makes me feel. How can I repair years of putting them 2nd? I can't type anymore because this is not helping.
I really thought things were supposed to get better when we quit all of this c r a p but things have only gotten worse. I have wasted half of my life with my selfishness and I have crippled my relationship with my daughter and probably with my wife as well and nothing could be more painful. I'm sorry to be such a downer today and start the forum off with my problems.... I have no friends and no one that I can talk to. I know people here but that's it. In most cases my wife and I talk about everything but now that isn't happening so I keep all of this bottled in. I don't know what to do. I thought I was on the right path but it sure doesn't feel very right.
Trout
I sure hope things went well last night I havent seen you post today and I'm worried.
hugzzzzzzz
swtbreezie
hugzzzzzzz
swtbreezie
I hope you go home and have that wonderful heart to heart with the Mrsis and your daughter and tomorrow come back and let us know how well it went. I can tell you are a very spiritual person, and God said he would never let you walk alone...remember only one's footprints in the sand? He will carry you. If not for God and my wonderful fiancee and all of the Angels in the forum I would not be here now! hugzzzzzz all the Angels.
GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS
swtbreezie
GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS
swtbreezie
I found this community not too long ago (just a few days) and I have to say, that everyone here has been absolutely wonderful and amazing! I have learned more from people here especially from wait2long and mary, then I have from my own doctor or other websites! Without those 2 I would be completely lost! I am just glad to have found a place where you know that everyone you are talking to has been or is going through the same thing as you. You will not be judged here at all!!! I am glad that your day has turned around and you are starting to feel better. I have every faith that you will pull through and just remember to take it day by day and you always have us!!!!
Take Care,
Kel
Take Care,
Kel
God bless you...you said everything in my heart. i was raised under similar circumstances. the farther away i got from God, the worse my addictions became...
Thanks for posting here....
Thanks for posting here....
A thought toward the end of my day.....
First of all, you have ALL really helped me today. My spirits are up and I'm very confident right now. Many of you sent me PM's today.... Thanks! :) I really don't get many of those so it was a nice suprise. Kinda like a little present.... You are all truely very compassionate people and all I can say (with a tear in my eye) is WOW! and THANK YOU! I'd just like to wrap my day up with a thought.... First a teeny tiny bit of history....
I was raised in the church (pentecostal, Assemblies of God) from as far back as I can remember. I grew up in the church and and was very active. We went to a big church and I knew lots of people. I met my wife there when I was 17 years old and started to date her when I was 17. I am 39 right now so we've been together for almost 23 years. She was my first girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend. Love at first sight basically... Anyway, here's what I know.....
The farther I get from God is when things in my life go south. I am a believer and always have been. If it wasn't for God I would not have been able to handle the death of my 5 year old son. It was ONLY by his grace and faithfulness that my wife and I made it through his accident. My point? I have not been close to God for a number of years. I go to church every Sunday and even teach a class but I have basically just been a piece of furniture. It's time to get close again.
My life has always been happier and more rewarding when our relationship has been "tight". See when my life is right I don't even want beer or pot or pain pills. It's just a natural thing that happens because I want to live right and I want to live my life for him! My priority list is... God, Family, Church, work in that order but the last number of years it has been Me, Me, Me, Me.... When my priorities are in line and God is first everything else falls into place like a nice little puzzle.
I just wanted to end my day with that thought and really let all of you know that your words and the time it took to type them meant the world to me today. I simply cannot express my gratitude and thanks. I'm not going to say this forum is great... It's the people here that are! Many, many thanks to everyone.... I'll update tomorrow.
God Bless,
Mike
First of all, you have ALL really helped me today. My spirits are up and I'm very confident right now. Many of you sent me PM's today.... Thanks! :) I really don't get many of those so it was a nice suprise. Kinda like a little present.... You are all truely very compassionate people and all I can say (with a tear in my eye) is WOW! and THANK YOU! I'd just like to wrap my day up with a thought.... First a teeny tiny bit of history....
I was raised in the church (pentecostal, Assemblies of God) from as far back as I can remember. I grew up in the church and and was very active. We went to a big church and I knew lots of people. I met my wife there when I was 17 years old and started to date her when I was 17. I am 39 right now so we've been together for almost 23 years. She was my first girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend. Love at first sight basically... Anyway, here's what I know.....
The farther I get from God is when things in my life go south. I am a believer and always have been. If it wasn't for God I would not have been able to handle the death of my 5 year old son. It was ONLY by his grace and faithfulness that my wife and I made it through his accident. My point? I have not been close to God for a number of years. I go to church every Sunday and even teach a class but I have basically just been a piece of furniture. It's time to get close again.
My life has always been happier and more rewarding when our relationship has been "tight". See when my life is right I don't even want beer or pot or pain pills. It's just a natural thing that happens because I want to live right and I want to live my life for him! My priority list is... God, Family, Church, work in that order but the last number of years it has been Me, Me, Me, Me.... When my priorities are in line and God is first everything else falls into place like a nice little puzzle.
I just wanted to end my day with that thought and really let all of you know that your words and the time it took to type them meant the world to me today. I simply cannot express my gratitude and thanks. I'm not going to say this forum is great... It's the people here that are! Many, many thanks to everyone.... I'll update tomorrow.
God Bless,
Mike
Feelings: we are not used to feeling feelings!
I was thinking....just thinking...one of my biggest triggers for my using is past related...I can not fix it...it is in connection with my divorce...years ago...I did not use then but their are things I did that I am not proud of...he did as well..we were childhood sweeties...married at 16 for 17 years...I have never remarried..we were young...When i quit pills i realized this was my biggest trigger...when i thought of that part of my past....I am working on letting that guilt go..It is not constructive to hold on to it any longer...I need to move forward...and u will too
I was thinking....just thinking...one of my biggest triggers for my using is past related...I can not fix it...it is in connection with my divorce...years ago...I did not use then but their are things I did that I am not proud of...he did as well..we were childhood sweeties...married at 16 for 17 years...I have never remarried..we were young...When i quit pills i realized this was my biggest trigger...when i thought of that part of my past....I am working on letting that guilt go..It is not constructive to hold on to it any longer...I need to move forward...and u will too
GREAT POST!!!! I always enjoy reading your advice..u need to stick around more!!! lol
you told me those words months ago, and they stick with me everyday, and not just with drugs , just choices i make...Thanks for that
r2r
you told me those words months ago, and they stick with me everyday, and not just with drugs , just choices i make...Thanks for that
r2r
Buddy, I feel your pain. I am trying to live sober as well and am now dealing with all that I let go when I was high. I mean I let everything go. Bills, time with my daughter, everything. I was just so mean and so miserable and took everything out on those who loved me. Its a shame what we do during active addiction, but let me tell you this, I realized that I cannot go back, I cannot undo what I have already done, all I can do is continue on with a sober and clean life and that will be the best gift I can give to my daughter and to myself. I know you are hurting and realizing the mistakes you made, but Trout, we are all human and we, as addicts, have all made many mistakes, I mean gosh I lost my own husband to Oxy's and I STILL did them after I buried him. So we make mistakes and we are careless, but I am sure your daughter would much rather have you around then get a birthday gift, catch my drift. Your a good man, who is trying, and I commend you for it. So you made some mistakes, ok, get up and try to right as many of the wrongs as you can. Make your family proud just as you have made us all proud.
Love and luck to you my friend....
xo, Lisa
Love and luck to you my friend....
xo, Lisa
To me, you sound like you're on the runway and ready for take off. The wheels had to fall off everything in my life before i was ready to start getting better.
I would say to you what someone said to me when I was in the darkest part of a black hole, a pit from which there seemed no way to escape: "Just do the next right thing, and the next right thing after that, and the next right thing after that. And if you just keep doing the next right thing, pretty soon you're going to be in the right place."
At the time, that seemed like the worst sort of pie-in-the-sky. But I never forgot those words and it didn't take long before I found out they were true. They were really true.
Trout, you have absolutely no control over anything except the next thing that YOU do. Just take care of that one thing and everything else will turn out exactly as it should. Forget about that one thing and nothing works out -- no matter how hard you try to control all the rest of it.
Don't think about fixing this or making that better. Don't think about getting this back or getting rid of that. Don't think about anything, except the very next thing that is in front of you. Just keep doing the next right thing and pretty soon you're going to be in the right place.
CATUF
1008
ps I was told that it helps to pray and that turned out to be another thing that was right. It was a real problem for me, because I didn't believe in anything to pray to. So, I was told to pray for a belief in something to pray to. Dumb as that sounded, I did it because I was pretty sure I was a dead man if I didn't. Despite my conviction that such a stupid thing couldn't work, that turned out to be right too.
I would say to you what someone said to me when I was in the darkest part of a black hole, a pit from which there seemed no way to escape: "Just do the next right thing, and the next right thing after that, and the next right thing after that. And if you just keep doing the next right thing, pretty soon you're going to be in the right place."
At the time, that seemed like the worst sort of pie-in-the-sky. But I never forgot those words and it didn't take long before I found out they were true. They were really true.
Trout, you have absolutely no control over anything except the next thing that YOU do. Just take care of that one thing and everything else will turn out exactly as it should. Forget about that one thing and nothing works out -- no matter how hard you try to control all the rest of it.
Don't think about fixing this or making that better. Don't think about getting this back or getting rid of that. Don't think about anything, except the very next thing that is in front of you. Just keep doing the next right thing and pretty soon you're going to be in the right place.
CATUF
1008
ps I was told that it helps to pray and that turned out to be another thing that was right. It was a real problem for me, because I didn't believe in anything to pray to. So, I was told to pray for a belief in something to pray to. Dumb as that sounded, I did it because I was pretty sure I was a dead man if I didn't. Despite my conviction that such a stupid thing couldn't work, that turned out to be right too.
Trout: I can so relate to what you are saying. I basically went through the same feelings yesterday - thinking about how I have let my daughter down, how my job performance has suffered, how I have led myself to bankruptcy, etc. etc.
Someone said something to me that made sense. Okay - you messed up. The important thing is that you have recognized that and you have taken HUGE steps in the right direction. Looking back is only going to reinforce the negative thoughts and make you feel like ****. Try to stay focused on today and today only. Each and every day you have to focus on what you can do right now, this minutes, second, etc. to stay on the right path. You cannot change your past, but you can control what you do today.
Don't minimize the great things that you have accomplished. You quit pills and you quit pot. Celebrate that. Those things weren't easy. You can quit beer too. I understand why you feel like you have let your family down, but again, don't focus on the negative. Focus on what you have done to help your family - quitting pills and pot. You posted today and asked for help. Each step is another step towards helping yourself and your family.
You can do this. Pray and ask God for courage and strength. He will give it to you. He will walk with you through this. All you have to do is ask Him and He will be there.
Hang in there and God bless. I think that your family is so fortunate to have a man who cares so much for them. Focus on the positive and the present.
Someone said something to me that made sense. Okay - you messed up. The important thing is that you have recognized that and you have taken HUGE steps in the right direction. Looking back is only going to reinforce the negative thoughts and make you feel like ****. Try to stay focused on today and today only. Each and every day you have to focus on what you can do right now, this minutes, second, etc. to stay on the right path. You cannot change your past, but you can control what you do today.
Don't minimize the great things that you have accomplished. You quit pills and you quit pot. Celebrate that. Those things weren't easy. You can quit beer too. I understand why you feel like you have let your family down, but again, don't focus on the negative. Focus on what you have done to help your family - quitting pills and pot. You posted today and asked for help. Each step is another step towards helping yourself and your family.
You can do this. Pray and ask God for courage and strength. He will give it to you. He will walk with you through this. All you have to do is ask Him and He will be there.
Hang in there and God bless. I think that your family is so fortunate to have a man who cares so much for them. Focus on the positive and the present.
Have you let her read the forum? My finacee didn't truely understand but supported me until he read the posts from me and others in the same situation. And Duck you go and tell your wife your true heart believe me it will help. Hugzzzz you both
Take care
swtbreezie
Take care
swtbreezie
Oh man.... duck.... Isn't it funny how that works. Here I am trying to sort some of this stuff out and in turn there is someone else going through some of the same things. This forum is funny that way.... I guess in the big picture we are all sort of in the same boat but it is encouraging when you get to meet those people in the boat with you! Does that make sense?
You hang in there buddy and maybe sit down with your wife and let some of this out. I have been dumping this stuff on my wife over the last 1-2 weeks. It was 20 years of c r a p that she put up with me so it will take a little time to patch things up but what a feeling to just let it go...... Those tears in your eyes are feelings inside of you... Regret? Guilt? Those are the 2 things that my tears mean and I've had them all day. Actually for a few days. Your wife seems to be understanding and compassionate so I'm sure she will listen. Don't hold anything back!!! Bawl like a baby if you need to. Personally that is one thing I cannot control right now. It just happens. Thank you for posting to my thread and I really wish you the best....
Trout
You hang in there buddy and maybe sit down with your wife and let some of this out. I have been dumping this stuff on my wife over the last 1-2 weeks. It was 20 years of c r a p that she put up with me so it will take a little time to patch things up but what a feeling to just let it go...... Those tears in your eyes are feelings inside of you... Regret? Guilt? Those are the 2 things that my tears mean and I've had them all day. Actually for a few days. Your wife seems to be understanding and compassionate so I'm sure she will listen. Don't hold anything back!!! Bawl like a baby if you need to. Personally that is one thing I cannot control right now. It just happens. Thank you for posting to my thread and I really wish you the best....
Trout
Thank you for posting this. I have been battling some crazy anxiety lately and I think you have enlightened me to the source of a lot of it. Evwn though I was not admitting it to myself. While my relationship with my daughter is still great I have a lot of personal deamons with my wife. She's actually proud of me for what I'm doing but I have been torturing myself privately for my behavior an keeping it bottled up. This thread has made me realize that I need to let them out to let them go.
I am at work right now in my cubicle typing this with tears in my eyes so I have to bug out now. God Bless.
I am at work right now in my cubicle typing this with tears in my eyes so I have to bug out now. God Bless.
Tapering is ok, I feel you are serious and will do this and alcohol is a drug also. I will be praying for you.
hugzzzzzzzzzzzz
swtbreezie
hugzzzzzzzzzzzz
swtbreezie
it's me again.... as these feelings keep surfacing, keep posting them.. keep writing, keep voicing !!! it's really important to do that... once you start getting use to doing that you won't look back.... xxxxx
I agree with worried878, I went to AA, I did the steps and I felt so much better,
it helped me to become a better person. I am not so self centered any more and my family has forgiven me for all of my errors. I haed to show that I was serious and by going to AA meetings it did so.
And everyone is also right, it takes time to deal with all of our emotions, we have kept them bottled up for years. Now we have to learn to deal again..It's hard and takes time, but yes share your feelings/problems and things do get better. Life is so much better
DRUG/ALCOHOL Free.
Good luck,
cocobean
it helped me to become a better person. I am not so self centered any more and my family has forgiven me for all of my errors. I haed to show that I was serious and by going to AA meetings it did so.
And everyone is also right, it takes time to deal with all of our emotions, we have kept them bottled up for years. Now we have to learn to deal again..It's hard and takes time, but yes share your feelings/problems and things do get better. Life is so much better
DRUG/ALCOHOL Free.
Good luck,
cocobean
Trout...I am sorry you are going thru this pain...it's all part of the process.
I wanted to share w/ you ...other than being clean for 6 weeks from pills..i have been a recovering alcoholic for 17 yrs....and for me...the alcohol was a much BIGGER demon than the pills.
I would encourage you to start going to AA meetings..I tried for several yrs. to quit drinking...it didn't happen ...i went to treatment ...and then i started attending AA mtgs...and they have kept me sober for all these years...
the pills didn't make me act stupid or get into trouble w/ the law or others like the beer did..i had an emotional bottom w/ pills...no other consequenses....but w/ the beer was killing me....take a honest look at what's going on...do not regret the past...but take action on how you want your future to be....
You are on the right path....good luck, my friend!!!
Keep posting...we're here for you!!!
I wanted to share w/ you ...other than being clean for 6 weeks from pills..i have been a recovering alcoholic for 17 yrs....and for me...the alcohol was a much BIGGER demon than the pills.
I would encourage you to start going to AA meetings..I tried for several yrs. to quit drinking...it didn't happen ...i went to treatment ...and then i started attending AA mtgs...and they have kept me sober for all these years...
the pills didn't make me act stupid or get into trouble w/ the law or others like the beer did..i had an emotional bottom w/ pills...no other consequenses....but w/ the beer was killing me....take a honest look at what's going on...do not regret the past...but take action on how you want your future to be....
You are on the right path....good luck, my friend!!!
Keep posting...we're here for you!!!
So glad you posted ,there are such great people here and you are one of them.Yeah the mental sucks but it will be less and less everyday.I had an idea about the I LOVE YOU part,teenagers are a different breed,so every night why dont ya give each a hug and a big I love you to both,it might be weird at first but when they realize you mean it I beleive they will melt and it will be a solid part of your household.Remember they do not really understand what your going thru ,thats what we are for.We all want to be loved and sometimes we do not realize we are.Wish you the best
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You ARE doing the right thing, so your family was 2nd place for years..... not your whole life!!! You have the opportunity to salvage your relationships if you do it now!! Life is too short! My mom passed away when I was 26, all she'd known of me was an addict/alcoholic, I wish she could have seen me sober even for just a few weeks, we could have been so much closer. I'm just saying you have regrets yes, who doesn't?? The real key to happiness is to prevent future regrets. Don't let these feelings take you down, you do need to vent and here is a wonderful place to do it. Much Luv!!!
I guess I just never realized that all of this guilt and emotion was part of the process of getting clean. To be honest.... I had no idea. I thought all I had to do was quit popping pills, stop smoking pot, and quit drinking beer and that was it. I thought that when those things were absent from my life that I would just be able to "pick up where I left off". Where ever that was! :) I just want to hear my wife tell me that she loves me and I want to hear my daughter say "I love you daddy" and mean it. Those are magical words!
It really means a lot when you all post and I really mean that from the bottom of my heart. I've never been a part of another forum on the web and always thought it was kind of silly but I really consider you guys my pals. I already have a better outlook on the rest of the day because I have a plan and I'm putting it into action. Tonight about an hour before I go to bed I'm going to slug 1 or 2 beers. Here's why... I have drank long enough and have drank large enough amounts of beer that I probably won't sleep and might have some kind of bad reaction if I go cold turkey. 1 or 2 beers right before bed for 1 week and then it's over. Any input on this plan? If you have any I'd really like to hear it. I'm not concerned with DT's or seizures or anything like that. I just want to work my way down for a week or so.
Right now the thought of drinking a beer just made me dry heave. I'm not kidding either. My wife used to pray that God would make beer taste like pee in my mouth so I would quit drinking it and when I just thought of it it disgusted me. She really honestly used to pray that. Maybe that day has come. I'll quit now. Thanks everyone and thanks for stopping by avis.... I appreciate it.
Mike
It really means a lot when you all post and I really mean that from the bottom of my heart. I've never been a part of another forum on the web and always thought it was kind of silly but I really consider you guys my pals. I already have a better outlook on the rest of the day because I have a plan and I'm putting it into action. Tonight about an hour before I go to bed I'm going to slug 1 or 2 beers. Here's why... I have drank long enough and have drank large enough amounts of beer that I probably won't sleep and might have some kind of bad reaction if I go cold turkey. 1 or 2 beers right before bed for 1 week and then it's over. Any input on this plan? If you have any I'd really like to hear it. I'm not concerned with DT's or seizures or anything like that. I just want to work my way down for a week or so.
Right now the thought of drinking a beer just made me dry heave. I'm not kidding either. My wife used to pray that God would make beer taste like pee in my mouth so I would quit drinking it and when I just thought of it it disgusted me. She really honestly used to pray that. Maybe that day has come. I'll quit now. Thanks everyone and thanks for stopping by avis.... I appreciate it.
Mike
I feel your pin trout. I know the feelings are overwhelming you right now. Take one relationship at a time to fix. I feel you need your wife to support you in getting clean and staying clean. 1 red rose does wonders and a card or letter you write to her and pour out your heart to her like you just did to us. It sounds like you have a good relationship being able to talk about everything but this have you tired talking to her letting her know you still love her very much and want the ret of your life to be better clean and sober? And I think your 18 year old understands more than you think. Give her a hug and say you are sorry for all the bad times and that from that day forward it will be more than better. My heart goes out to you BUT you still have them in your life don't let it slip away! GOD, I wish I still had mine to talk to in person not at the cemetary, I'd get down on my knees and beg for their forgiveness and thank GOD I could still hug them and make things right. Don't blink, it all could be gone in a second, do it now sweetie. Lots of luck and God Bless You
swtbreezie
swtbreezie
Trout believe it or not you feel that your life is falling apart now it's nots , It already had fallen apart that was what the drug usage the drinking was covering .... You are waking up from all of this its hitting you now but the damage was done a while ago .... Now is the time when you WILL we able to help yourself to repair the damage with a clear head . For a lot of us when we used and quit we figure out we were self medicating so we did not have to deal with our problems and emotions the drugs gave us a way out .Its not until you stop it all and go oh my look what has happened . Slowly you will learn to repair things and be happier then you ever have been .Believe it or not this is a good thing
Trout!!!!
Go back and read your post. You've explained it beautifully. You've described and processed and fixed your own problem. Go back and read it. You're incrediable...did I spell incrediable right? Any how..Don't try to jumble all these 'feelings' into one mood/emotion. Albeit they suck....they are seperate items. Finances, relationships, addictions. Try and put them in order and seperate them. Then re-evaluate them. If they're jumbled together they're overwhelming. Divide and conquer!
I know, I know easier said than done...however, it might help. The best part is, time heals everything. Later today it will be better, and tomorrow will even be better than that.
I'm pulling for ya'
Newgirl
Go back and read your post. You've explained it beautifully. You've described and processed and fixed your own problem. Go back and read it. You're incrediable...did I spell incrediable right? Any how..Don't try to jumble all these 'feelings' into one mood/emotion. Albeit they suck....they are seperate items. Finances, relationships, addictions. Try and put them in order and seperate them. Then re-evaluate them. If they're jumbled together they're overwhelming. Divide and conquer!
I know, I know easier said than done...however, it might help. The best part is, time heals everything. Later today it will be better, and tomorrow will even be better than that.
I'm pulling for ya'
Newgirl
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