I screwed up again.

[lynnalb15]

Back to square one.

[133113]

Do not be so hard on yourself.  Screw ups are part of the recovery process. Just change your mindset to positive thinking and try again.  We are only humans and not perfect.  I myself have been struggling with multiple relapses, but each and every time the relapses are short and I continue to try.

You are so close to getting this.  Please if it is not today, then make a plan and stick to it.  Most importantly continue to post, support from peers is the most important aspect of recovery.

[lulu747]

Lynn
I am so happy that you made the decision to go back.  I know you want this badly, and I know you can do it.  The visitation with your daughter will ease your mind and lighten your heart.  I know it seems like the road ahead is endless and treacherous, but every day that you work on your recovery and stay clean moves you closer to your true heart's desires.  Your life is worth it Lynn.  I'm proud of you...Please keep us posted and NEVER give up hope.
Sending prayers and much love
Lu

[NeverDreamed]

Can I just tell you what an inspiration you are.  You tripped up a bit, and realized your mistake, and with all the support and advice here, you got the courage to call you counselor and ask for help.  
I'm at Day 22 today, will I mess up?  It's always a possibility, i'm addicted to pills.  If I fall, I pray I have your strength to pick my recovery right back up as you did.  The last time I tried to quit, I went 5 days, I was through the worst of it, and I used on Day 5... it took me 2 years to try again.  It took you less than 24 hours.  I'm proud of you.  I admire your strength.  You have to be able to take care of YOU to be able to take care of your baby and hubby.  Stay strong, we are here for you.

[lostmakeupgirl]

You are not a failure! Many would of continued to use and not even posted that they need more help or go back! You are strong and this is a minor setback!

[MikeInFrance]

Great decision Lynn.... And there is one thing you said that really really stuck out to me.... It's where u said you used missing your daughter as  an excuse to come home and use.  I know by reading your posts how deeply u love her so seriously think about that statement u made. Show her howuch you truly love her by being able to be there for her in the future.... Clean! Love hurts sometimes...it will hurt u enough to finally change for good! Or there will be no future at all! Make the commitment , the real commitment to do this!

[dominosarah]

You didnt let anyone down here Lynn.  The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  This time do something different, focus on YOU.  If you dont you will lose everything, that is the reality of this addiction.  You have been given another chance, now run with it~~sara

[bama88]

never give up Lynn never. i don't care howa couple depressed you get. how scared you are. we all love ya and want you to be well. this is addiction. a sickness. the rehab place should have never let you go. your to early in sobriety. i know how hard this is. i had to check myself and my husband in. i totally get it...my first week back was awful. i know and get it.

now get your butt back in there....who cares how much money it takes...love ya

[laurel453]

I wish you all the luck, Lynn... you are not a terrible mother, you are sick and you are trying to get well... never NEVER give up cause you are not a lost cause... don't beat yourself now, this is one choice you can make now....that  you will work on yourself with constructive and healthier choices and thoughts, beating ourselves is not a good one cause it stucks you in the past and doesn't let you walk into a better future...

as a note, he can read your posts here even if you have changed your password... the forum is open to everybody to read it...

ALL THE BEST and keep walking...

[bama88]

don't be sorry. be proud that you can recognize you have a problem. and just go fix it. don't worry about nothing else. you've got people who love you and want to see you well. hold on to that. drop the pity party and dig deep. you see how much you've got to loose? and you see how much support you have. sometimes it takes us a couple of chances to get it right. some people need more treatment then others. some people have to loose more than others. its just rhe way it is. i know you love your baby. but Lynn you've got to love yourself more. rouge got to stop for you. do you know what i mean? im up of ya want to talk.

[minn66]

Thank God! Lynn, I am so glad you had the strength and desire to call your counselor and go back!

[lynnalb15]

I called my counselor and told them that I was just not ready to be home. Thy said to come back they wanted me to do the month over again an id have to pay 1500. Why did I do this and waste money. I thight I was doing the right thing by going home to my baby and it was like waking into this house made me wat to use and so I went and bought some. I've been up all night snuggling my baby. If I go back I will be admitted tomorrow at noon. And this time have to be serious about it. My counselor actually told me she was proud of me. That many wouldn't fess up. So thanks Guys. this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But she also told me if it would make it easier I could have visitations with my daughter twice a week. And that right there sold me. Going a month with out seeing anything but photos kills me. And I'm obviously not strong enough to be home yet. It amazes me how they're working with me. I hate fessing up to y'all cause I feel like I let everyone down. But the amount of support I have here is just unbelievable. I'm going to tell others in the detox about this board.
I am not telling my husband I used. I simply told him I'm not strong enough to be back yet and he understood. I just can't tell him. I don't want him to leave me. And I see that in the future if I don't stop. I will lose my whole family and I know he would never let me have my daughter alone if I do not get help. And u know what I don't blame him one bit. He's such an amazing father. My daughter is so very lucky.  As am I.behat a pointless screw up I just made. May seem mean but I changed my password so he can't see any of this. And. He's too busy to come on anyways. You guys are my get away when needed and I hope he understands that. I love you all. I'll keep u updated once I'm checked in. For now I'm gunna stay up watching movies while she sleeps on my chest. This is the last time I'll get to do this for a month. But soon I'll be able to do it freely. I feel terrible being around her high. But I just can't not hold her right now. Please don't think of me as a terrible Mother. But what I did was so disgustingly selfish I'm sock over it. As I should be. I uses me missing her as a chance to come home and use. That's not me. I want me back. And she deserves the real me back. I'll get there. This time has consequences. Cause if I leave my family will be informed of me trying to use. Which is how it should be. Wish me luck everyone. Sorry for the disappointment once again. Just another bump in my messy life.

[minn66]

Lynn, I think if you tell them now that you made a mistake by coming back so soon that you will be able to go back. I am not an expert on these things but gnarly has very valid points and YOU ARE NOT A LOST CAUSE!  Please don't think that you are. I think that going back now would show that you recognize you weren't ready to come home yet and you do want to get better for yourself and your family. I am praying for you, Sweetie.

[kk1303]

I'm sorry to hear you relapsed but don't beat yourself up over it. It is NOT easy for ANYONE to get off drugs so you're not alone. I was taking 8-10 norco + 40-80mg oxycontin every day and I detoxed cold turkey a month ago...I know how bad it feels. I felt like I was literally dying, but I kept reminding myself that I wasn't. Its what everyone feels like when they detox. That just goes to show you how poisonous these pills really are. You gotta remind yourself that its not going to be comfortable but you CAN get through it. Everyone keeps telling you that you gotta do this for yourself and I agree with them, BUT you also have to do this for your kid(s)! Continuing to take the pills is selfish...your family needs you! You also need your own self back! Once you get through a few days of feeling cruddy, you will feel amazing. I felt born again, free, like I was seeing the world for the first time. You have to tough it up and be strong...for yourself, your children, your husband, and the rest of your family.

[bama88]

breathe Lynn..just breathe. call rhe detox center and go back. they are used to this sort of stuff. if you get the help you need then .ps will work with u. if it comes down to that. Lynn you haven't done anything that someone else has done. right now you've got to take care of u. i will be praying for you.i think you need to go back to rehab. yes its expensive..but your life is worth it. honey how in the heck did you find some pills? were they left over or did you score some? it dosent matter really...i want you to talk...keep posting. why did you take them so fast? what's going on? you need to open up and get this out of you...sometimes the hardest thing is letting go...hugs

[lynnalb15]

Damn gnarly I didn't think of cps. That's my worst fear oh my god. What do I do? Call the detox center and ask to come back? That'll be another 3000 dollars. I can't get her taken. Now in scared shytless. It's 1 here do u think Ivan call them now and say I am not strong enough to be home and messed up. I can have cps involved I'll just die. I'm so scare now do I think they will call!? I have no more drugs I took it all. And I don't know what to do now. In frwaking out.

[lulu747]

Lynn...
I must go to sleep now.  Please stay close to the forum and please don't give up.  You've come so far...
I am sending you my love and prayers...
Lu

[lulu747]

Lynn.

Do you have any drugs left?  If so, get rid of them.  You can't change the past but you can choose to come clean and NOT use.  Can you go back to treatment?  Honestly, doll...You need to be there until you have some clean time.  I know you are in pain and struggling so much with missing your daughter-but this is your LIFE and you need to do what you must to save it.  You have to believe in yourself and give yourself some time to heal.  Your husband has been so open posting on here, and obviously loves you deeply.  Please tell him you screwed up and try again.  Really, what are your other options?  You don't want to go down that dark path Lynn...It will end in total destruction and you know that.  The relapse is not irreversible.  Please ask for help and get back to working on your recovery.  You are not a bad person, you are not hopeless.  I believe in you Lynn...Believe in yourself.

[gnarly_1]

LYNN first off dont quit posting  nobody is a lost cause your an addict what ever you do dont go back on the methadone
taper off with the loratabs YOU CAN DO THIS FROM HOME!!!
most of us do weather taper or bite the bullet and C/T but you can be drug free also since you left the program and where getting your drugs illegally there is a good chance cps is going to get involved this is not a game to them they wiill not have a stoned momma caring for a baby you need to get back to that program or find an out pacent program b/4 they take the baby this is just a mess right now cps will work with you if your in a program but not if your notmy advise is march you but bak to the rehab and finish off the detox I will keep you in my prayers may God be with you your friend Mark

[lynnalb15]

What the hell do I do noW??? Ugh

[lynnalb15]

I was given the choice after my quick hydro taper to leave and I took it. I was just in so much pain I used again. I cannot let my husband know. He will be devistated and leave me! I screwed up soooo bad. What's wrong with me. I didn't even think twice about it.

[lulu747]

You are not letting us down.  What happened-you left early?  Lynn, you have got to believe that you can do this...You CAN do this.  What's going on?

[lynnalb15]

Yup home and unsober. Sorry y'all for letting you down again. Thought I coul handle it but the pain was too much.

[lulu747]

Lynn.  You are NOT a lost cause.  This is not irreversible.  We're here to support you-please post and tell us what is happening.  Please don't give up hope.

[lulu747]

Lynn..
Hi darlin...What's happening?  Are you home?