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I thought I'd made it
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I thought I'd made it

- and then I didn't. I relapsed today. I went through w/d and my at-home detox 6 days. And then 60 Vicodin fell into my lap. And I took 1. And hid the rest in the house.

How could I think this is a good idea? I had a terrible w/d experience when I went cold turkey, a milder but miserable w/d experience last week - I finally started to see the light and... I popped a pill today. REALLY?!

Does this EVER get easier? I don't want to be dependent. I don't want to be looking for my next fix. So how could I fall so fast?
Tags: Vicodin, pills
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183 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
because we are addicts that is why, but please get rid of the other pills, the one you took won't set you back but if you take more it sure will. We are addicts and can't handle one. I am not sure who says this on this site but it goes something like this: one is to many and a thousand is not enough. I hope I didn't butcher that one buy you get the idea. We just can't take just one, so get rid of the pills you hid and stay on course and I wish you good luck and prayers to you
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Avatar_m_tn
HI I agree with 0421 get rid of the pills they will only call your name and the guilt and shame you feel is enough to drive you to say f/it and do a handful FLUSH THEM NOW.....addiction is cunning baffling and powerful it will take you places you dont want to go 1 pill physically will do little more then mess up your brain chemistry ....your brain in on the hunt for endorphins again ....with that comes cravings and the pills are back on your mind again.....best to just pick yourself up dust yourself off and start over at least now you cought it b/4 you ate the whole bottle so you dont have to face down withdrawals.....its moments like this that we push aftercare so hard it ez to slip especially in the beginning look up N/A mettings in your area you can google it go out of your comfort zone and go to one you dont have to say a word just sit and listen it will help you threw stuff like this as adicts we need to change the very way we think and reason....our best thinking got us here....good luck and God bless.......Gnarly    
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Avatar_m_tn
Wow, they are so right, one is not the problem, we are. It will empower you to flush them, I know its hard to do. Been there, done that. It will give you strength, and like you said the wd is horrible, you don't want to do that again
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1695559_tn?1311907028
get rid of them! it will bug you and bug you if they are there you will probably end up rationalizing a way to take some of them and then on and on and before you know it you will be in the same boat you were in! please dont go backwards! keep going forward! hate the pills hate them and get rid of them! i hope you check in soon so we know how you are doing. i am new to this site and just sitting here reading posts like your story the other night gave me the courage to get my story out and at least think seriously about kicking this crap. so thank you for that... please dont go! =]
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you, All, for your comments and encouragement. I will be honest - I haven't flushed them yet. In fact, I've taken 2 more - - - chasing that feeling that I know won't come without a fistful. I'm planning to go to bed tonight, get a good night sleep... and plan to flush the entire bottle first thing in the morning.

I should do it now. I realize. But I just can't make myself... The pull is too strong. I'm concerned I won't be able to tomorrow, either, but I'm going to try and focus on all the negatives and just DO IT first thing.

I actually feel nauseated... GOOD. I'm draggy and sleepy.... GREAT. There is very little enjoyable about how I feel. I don't feel guilty - I realize this is a disease. But I don't feel empowered either.

So. Tomorrow. Immediately after my husband leaves (he has no idea, and while I think it would be great if I could tell him - I'm not ready to do that yet). Flush. Before work.
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi AZ

Sorry about your slip up. Best to put your best foot forward and start again. I find myself better prepared for journies in life if I take them in pieces. It's the finality of it all that's tough, so you made it 6 days so you can know you can do that...Do it again. Please DUMP those pills it is just to tempting and I don't think anyone could quit with those pills laying around.
Tell yourself I'm going to go it alone ONE more time and if I slip I NEED to tell my husband. He is your partner in life and probably will suprise you. For better or worse right.
Think about this.  Telling my Wife was the best/worst decision I ever made.
Best because I knew she would give me the strength and support I needed to quit
Worst because I knew it was the beginning of the end of my little hide away. I had someone to be accountable for (god knows I wasn't to myself)  and had to face my addiction and let go.
Maybe some rings true??? I hope the best for you and buck up and get right back on the horse!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
I understand what you are going through. I  just started to detox yesterday. At 2pm today it will be 48 hrs since I have taken my last hydrocodone, but it still does not feel easier. I fear I will never be myself again and it scares me. I used to be such an active peron and hydrocodone completely crippled me. It started for my back pain, moved to mental enjoyment and temporary heightenment. It just started lasting less and less until I needed a higher dose to maintain the same feeling. It just grabbed a hold of me so fast when I was not looking. Addiction runs into my family, so i have always stayed away from drugs, limited my alcohol intake. I even quit smoking ciggerates 10 years ago. I thought I had it all under control until recently. I never had that thought in the back of my mind that these could take hold of me like alcohol or a street drug. I got it from a doctor, it took away my pain. I trusted that Doctor and never though anything about it until i started feeling sick and really sad when I did not have a pill left to take. I decided to do this on my own at home only telling my husband and best friend. I feel like I did this on my own and I should fix it on my own, but it is so hard. I feel like an awefull person and i just want to get this out of my life once and for all. I wonder if I will be myself again or someone else from the damage these pills have caused me. Does anyone know if Hydrocodone causes permanent damage? Thanks for any thoughts or answers.
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Avatar_m_tn
So much truth to what 0421 said - we are addicts and that is why we do such stupid things. For the past few years I've continue to bargain with myself saying I would only take the next round on the weekends and yet would still just plow through them in a matter for a few days until they were gone and I was left staring down the WD's right in the face once again. I mean seriously most of us probably consider ourselves pretty intelligent people and are just that with the exception of when it comes to these pills. If you give me 60 I'll tear through all 60 straight and I have now accepted that for a fact.
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Avatar_f_tn
Well, it happened exactly as everyone said. I used up the whole bottle. And now detox and w/d starts - last dose was today. So frustrating that I find myself here. Again.

But I'm optimistic (probably because I still have some in my system). I think this time might be IT. I've got a good plan. I'm working to burn all my bridges for more access.

I'm still scared to death. And I'm not looking forward to another weekend of awful w/d... but it's kind of like penance, I guess.

As for vics or perc causing permanent damage - the hydrocodone, I don't believe, does. If you've taken more than the ceiling dose of the tylenol in it, it CAN affect your liver. The limit is 4 Grams in 24 hours. If you have a doc and get regular lab tests for a physical, it should pick up if there are any problems.

So, here we go. I'll check back often - it's so helpful to read what each of you has to say and for the encouragement. I appreciate all of you.
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1170113_tn?1309318006
Hi.  Welcome back.  I hate to say this, but I knew you werent going to flush them when you said you would do it in the morning.  But hey....thats alright.  Chalk it up as a lesson, learn from it, and do whatever it takes to make sure it doesnt happen again!  Have you given any thought to aftercare?  After the initial WD, when your body starts feeling better, is when relapse is most probable....this is the time you should be checking out an NA group.  Seriously...it helps me so much....and the chances of staying clean go way up when someone is in some sort of aftercare.  Good  luck to you!  And you can do this!  Just change the plan a little....cuz the last one didnt work that great.  God bless!
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Avatar_m_tn
HEY Neighbor got to love this 108 degree heat.....I had a hunch that bottle was going to call your name......it would mine and I ant picked up in 612 days but I know my weakness and having access to pills is a HUGE trigger for me that and back pain are my worst 2 my wife has a torn rotor cuff and is taking hydros for it....we have a clear understanding that those pills stay out of site out of mind........this hurt you mentally more then physically you may go threw some minor withdrawals and the no sleep thing again but for now pick yourself up dust yourself off and realize we dont have control over the pills.....addiction is cunning  baffling and powerful you need to respect it .....know your enemy...and aftercare is a must N/A is good I know your a nurse and that kinda puts you in a comprmising position mabe a n/a meeting out of town would be best we just had a nurse go threw here got cought up with the mess at work and now her life is a living hell your need to treat the deasese to get well it might be a bit in convent but the results will be so so worth it hang in there dont read anything into youtr detox I expect it will be mild and do like me STAY AWAY FROM THE PILLS at all cost ....you can do this but not alone good luck and God bless......Gnarly    
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495284_tn?1333897642
Are you going to add any aftercare into the picture?
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Avatar_f_tn
I think aftercare is a great idea, but I'm terrified to go. I realize everything is supposed to be confidential, but I'm an RN and I cannot afford to be seen by colleagues, patients, or the nursing board. This might be just an excuse, but that just isn't something I'm comfortable with.

I have found 2 sites online that you can do anonymous meetings - considering that. But the chat-room based 1 I did try was *awful*.... so not sure.

Hanging in there - w/d *****. It's more mild than before, but the sleeplessness it the killer.
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271792_tn?1334983257
Hi, I am glad you found your way back here and talked about your relapse.

I also think aftercare is the way to go. that being said, I don't think online meetings will be all that helpful. If you decide that an outside support group is the way to go, then you will want to do that in person. The idea of going to NA is to become part of the fellowship and working the program. Becoming part of the group gives you the opportunity to meet new people who are working toward recovery. There you will (can) make new friends and it will give you something to look forward to and keep you accountable.

I have provided a link to NA meetings that can be found by using your zip code. If you feel more comfortable, choose a meeting that is not directly in your town.

I wish you the best. Let us know how you are.
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Avatar_f_tn
Well. Back on Day 1 of detoxing. Last dose was yesterday at 2pm - so in exactly 4 hours and 1 minute, it will be 24 hours. But who's counting, right?

Day 1 is usually pretty okay for me - it's all mental. I think there is enough drug still in the system to not have the w/d feelings. I am hopeful that perhaps because I didn't sustain use again and pretty much downed all 60 in a number of days... mmmmmmaybe I won't have full blown w/d again. But maybe I'm deluding myself.

The good news (I think), is that it's ramping up to "that time of the month" for me anyway. So I'm typically fatigued and irritable with bouts of insomnia for about a week each month. If last time is any indication, days 2-4 are pretty miserable, but late in day 4 and day 5, the crawlies go away. I'm also armed with ambien this time for sleep if it gets too bad this week.

I've been eating very healthy and taking my vitamins in anticipation of the day I was at 0 pills. So now it's here. Again.

To be honest, I'm not very optimistic. However, I really am dedicated to turning this around this time and fighting against a relapse. One... hour... at... a ... time.
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1699388_tn?1313840562
i'm confused?  20 hours ago you posted in withdrawal?  did u just take that one at 2pm yesterday?
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Avatar_f_tn
Actually - 20 hours ago I took 2 5 mg Vicodin.

I was out with a friend who had them. And I completely caved.
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1699388_tn?1313840562
gotcha.  know the feeling.  well.....we're on day 1 together :)
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Avatar_f_tn
It really *****. I don't blame anyone but myself. But I just can't get over how these pills are everywhere! Two years ago - I had NO IDEA narcotics were everywhere.

I also can't get over how completely my wall of strength crumbles as soon as I hear the little jingle of pills in a bottle. It doesn't matter what bottle - it can be vitamins and I look at them and think: hmmm.... they look a little like my friend Vic. Ooh. That sounds great. Where can I get one?!

Every time I am in the middle of detox, I'm miserable and swear I'll never put myself in this situation again. And then I do.

Hopefully this time will be it. I really am hoping I might skate by with a little less w/d or craziness.

Good luck to you! What are you on day 1 from?
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1699388_tn?1313840562
i hear ya.  i find myself looking at people out and about who seem happy and think to myself "re they on pain pills?  no one can be happy without pain pills?"  LOL  so i feel ya.

i just blew thru 120 norco in 11 days.  i attempted c/t a few weeks ago from roxys and failed at turning down a rx for the norcos at my pain mgt doc.  u can read my thread if ya want :)  better detail.  so here i am again.  i started wellbutrin though the first day along with the norco and idk...maybe too good to be true....but doesnt seem as bad this time.  i have known for along time prior to pills....that i need an a/d cuz that was my reason for abusing.  ssri's make me fat and tired, so i fugured give wellbutrin a try.  hopefully it has kicked in and is helping with the withdrawls too...considering alot of them are mental.  or it could be placebo!  who knows!

i dont feel like getting off the couch.  just feel lazy....but not like i wanna die like last time.  do u thikn you will go into full blown w/d from taking 2 500's??

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Avatar_f_tn
I don't think so.

During my last attempt, I had tapered down - had about 10 days clean, then slipped up and took 7.5 mg. The next day I had a little crawly-feeling, didn't sleep well that night, and was restless - but that was about it.

Since I took 10 mg this time... and I'd only had a handful of days clean after binging on 60 of them... I am more concerned that it may be a little worse.... but I don't imagine it will be as bad as the 1st time.

But - I honestly don't know. I'm so in control of other aspects of my life, and I'm the go-to person for information for my family and friends.... But when it comes to this addiction stuff, I'm more often wrong than right.
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Avatar_f_tn
Crum.

So I'm sitting here, still 2 hours away from 1 day clean - and I'M DYING FOR A PILL. I'm working - so distraction isn't much of an option right now. And I'm just.... craving like crazy.
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Avatar_m_tn
HI GOT 114 out there today hope your staying cool .....addiction is a tricky thing it is cunning baffiling and porerful and as soon as you think you have it under control its got you....you need to first realize your powerless to it then surrender to it and get the help you need you should have good health ins at work the hippa laws prevent them from relesing info to your employer althougyh I  would choose a conslor off campus so no one sees you going in and out of the ofice your health ins should cover out pacent therapy check into it if not you can always come to phx for a N/A meeting its 45 min from where you live but as addicts we need to change the very way we think and reason to overcome our addictions and you wont do it alone I wish you alll the best in yuor recovery but become pro/active in it and you can live a beautiful life.....we could use another nurse on the forum........Gnarly    
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Avatar_f_tn
Again, I appreciate you all.

I don't think I'm quite ready for this site - I was only 22 hours out and I went in search of more pills. I got a total of 14 5 mg vics. I've split them up into 1/4 tablets and going to try and taper again - that was when I was most successful. The plan is 1 total pill a day, in 4 doses - for 7 days, then to decrease by 1/4 pill every three days until they are gone.

Disappointed in myself.
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Avatar_m_tn
we will support how ever you decide to withdrawal stick with us for support even tapering takes work and is uncomfortable where here to help keep posting you'll break free soner or later just so you dont quite trying good luck and God bless......Gnarly
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you. :-)

So far, sticking to the plan. A whole 15 hours of sticking to the plan - but I'll take it.

Have not taken anything more since my last post. Have in my head that I'm allowed the 1 pill, in 4 1/4 pill doses today if needed.

I'm debating on trying to hold off until I can't take it any more, or in dosing on a schedule.... not sure which feeds the addict more.
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1699388_tn?1313840562
Oh we are so much alike it's scary.
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Avatar_m_tn
HI its best to try and space the doses as far apart as posible even if its just an hr more then the time b/4 but keep the withdrawals manageable or you wind up blowing the taper .....hag in there you'll get this done this is a rase one by the tortus not the hare.........Gnarly  
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Avatar_f_tn
Okay - sticking with the max 1 pill idea for the next 3 days.... and going to try to space out the doses enough as much as possible to try and eliminate a 1/4 or more of a pill.

If it wasn't happening to me, it would be fascinating. I can't imagine that one 5 mg Vicodin spread out over an entire 24 hours could possibly be doing ANTYHING for me. I know I'm not feeling any buzz or getting high on it now, just trying to keep away w/d. But scientifically - I can't imagine that low dose would be able to DO that... so is it entirely mental?
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Avatar_m_tn
its actually all mental its the brain craving endorphins and your kinda hyper sensitive to them
one you open up those receptors they want to be feed .....you feed them a bottle of 60 this week thats what your feeling if you taper off the way you say you are you will be off in short order it not so much getting off as much as it is staying off the brain will call for them for a wile as you gain clean time it gets ezer but in the beginning it can be hard try praying about it it helps got to run my grandson is banging at the door hang in there your going to be fine
////........good luck and God bless.....Gnarly
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Avatar_f_tn
I just want to say that in my mind you are doing great because you are at least trying and I hope you keep posting while you are going through this. Reading everyone's stories is really helping me.
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1198664_tn?1368651412
New & Nikki, we are ALL alike lol. I think there are a lot if us out there just like that. I am exactly the same. I have a day of reconing coming REAL soon. Not on a TON right now but still...... I should be tapering more with what I have left but.......
Anyway good luck 2 you all. I'll be joining you REAL soon :) :(
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Avatar_f_tn
Come join the taper club. :-D We can suffer collectively. Maybe if we space out all our suffering, it'll be less of a burden to one? Well.... that sounds good at least!

And usedtobefunny - love the name. I relate!
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Avatar_f_tn
So, the cutting out the 1/4 tablet early in the taper didn't work. In fact, the opposite worked: I'm now spaced to take 2 entire tabs today, so 10 mg.

However, I'm sticking to the pills I have for a taper with a complete cutoff then being on Tuesday. That's all the pills I have, and I have no plans to get more.

I am VERY PROUD that I had an opportunity to get 120 more Vicodin yesterday and I DID NOT. And they would have been FREE. And I said NO THANK YOU. In fact, I told this person that I'd developed an allergy and that I broke into hives last time I took them... so no thank you forever.

So I guess that's a long way to say I'm having trouble sticking to my original plan, but I have a finite number of pills, and I'm resolute about not getting more, and my taper will be over (1 way or another) by Tuesday at the latest - earlier if I end up taking more than I have allotted for each day.
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Avatar_m_tn
WHERE with you tapering can be tricky please dont post taper plans on the forum its ok to do what your doing and talk about them just no im going to take this many today this many tomorrow this many the next day it is ageist the guidelines....I was stuck on 150mg of methadone it took me 8 12mo to get off it so I know how hard it can be just know there is no completely painless way to get off this stuff that and the insomnia su cks where with you here for support so if you need to vent or just talk im out here you can mesage me any time you like good luck breaking free and God bless..........Gnarly  
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Avatar_f_tn
Whoops - sorry - I didn't realize that was breaking the rules. Won't do that again. :-)

On a general note - sticking to my plan today, so far.
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Avatar_m_tn
HEY Girl baton down the hatches 116 tomorrow hows the taper going ??? it can be a real mindscrew sometime its ok to vcome here and vent if you need to wish you luck and God bless........Gnarly
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Avatar_f_tn
The heat is killer today! OMG. Having to stay indoors just to survive! I can't take another minute in the sun this week. LOL

I now understand why everyone says tapering is tough - took more than I was supposed to yesterday. But sticking to my finite amount is my finite amount - just means it'll have to end sooner than expected and I'll have to deal with the w/d. I'm mentally prepping for that discomfort. If I stay on course NOW, that will put my last dose Monday now.

I sure hope I can weather that detox. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. If Monday is the last dose, then I should be back to feeling semi-human by the following Saturday if the past is any guide.
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1720012_tn?1310049470
I so hope the tapering method works for you. I, however, take 30-50 10 mgs hydros a day. I quit c/t on thurs. I haven't had any since wed nite at 7pm. It's not so bad physically which scares me cuz it usually is so bad by the second day, Im seeking some pills. I know I can get some, but I haven't seeked them. Im not in my using environment either. Im staying somewhere else for right now. I relapsed years ago and Im paying for it now. But, anyway..i just thought my story may help you see where this can lead. Im not going back becuz i can't..the pills and seeking controls my life. I have legitimate pain..and have a script for the tabs as well, but they don't last no time before im seeking again.
So, all i know is take care, be well...and just know you can. If I can you can! We are here for you.
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Avatar_m_tn
Oh, the Arizona heat...
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1370323_tn?1309997746
I totally feel ya! I'm in New Orleans and it's like a freakin sauna out here!!! SHEESH!!
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Avatar_f_tn
So, the taper is done. Now for the real deal..... uuugghhh. Maybe I'll be past detox by Saturday?! Here's hoping.
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1717540_tn?1311626073
lol, is everyone from AZ in here!?! It's been nice here- nice and rainy :) But it did suck about a week ago that's for sure..
So I hope everything is going well for you. I'm never a fan of someone going CT because I'm afraid of them slipping. Remember how fast it was for you to fall to 60 in a second? It's just too slippery to me and I become a worry bug about people like you who I want to be clean. I too knew you weren't going to throw those away in the morning when you said you were lol. You can't fool an addict!! ;-)
But there are cases where people get r' done by tappering (there aren't as many cases, but it happens). One thing I can TOTALLY relate with you is the fact that your too embarrased to tell your husband. I couldn't tell my wife. I just "fell sick" and she thought I was pretty much dying lol...But it has got much better since and even though I'm not 100% by any means- I'm functunal which is my main goal. The leg pain was the worst by far, and now I'm getting DREAMS that I'm taking opiates! Nothing worse than dreaming your popping some pills and waking up with diarreah (diarrhea) and feeling like.....Well diarreah (diarrhea) lol.....Talk about a mind-screw huh? I can't believe I dream about the stuff. We can get through this together though ok? :) Please don't lose touch with us- we can be your backbone when you need one, a crutch to lean on when your too embarrassed to talk to your husband, and your friend whenever you need. Your responsibility to recovery is addicting to us in OUR recovery. So please, keep it up- you have others counting on you to help THEM out too. -Baridon-
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Avatar_m_tn
HI ....OK T-minus 1 day how you feeling ?? if my math is right your on day 1 today
this might not be to bad sleep is usually the issue get up to walmart and go into the mixed drick isle and look for some stuff called sleepytime tea the bags are doubbled leve them together and seap 2 at a time add some sweeter its not the greatest tasting stuff but it was one of the things I found that helped with sleep try siping a cup 1/2 b/4 bed then into a hot soak as hot as you can stand it out of the tub grab your towel and hit the top cover of your bed dry off there and then slowly air cool this should relax you enough to get to sleep im sorry I havent found what will keep you asleep I would wake up at 3am wired for sound but at least I got a few hr in post to let us know how your doing good luck and God bless....Gnarly
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Avatar_f_tn
You guys are the greatest.

Gnarly- you are right. Today should be Day 1. And good God, I've done it again. It's EMBARRASSING and humiliating to admit such a loss of control, but I've used today.

The very start of detox, and I screwed it up again.

On top of that, I hate the NEGATIVE person I've become. This is not me. I'm an optimist. A realist, but an optimist. And now it's all excuses and negativity. Not to mention I feel like I'm sleepwalking through my life.

I don't know how many times I can say it, and I don't know why you'd believe it - but my last dose was today at 7pm. 30 minutes ago. A half a tablet. That will make 3 for today. And that's my LAST ONE THAT I'M TAKING.

I am so ready to be done with this. But obviously some part of me is not, or I WOULD be done with it. I don't understand this God awful hold, and I am NOT used to this loss of control. I'm not an excuses kind of person, so WTF?!

Ok. So. Again. I'm going to have to start counting hours clean instead of days. So. Heh. 30 minutes in! I'm not making light of this, but I'm trying to bring back some positive thinking.

I've decided that tomorrow, when I start thinking about using, I'm going to go to the gym. Work out until I drop. Then hopefully I can sleep once the itchies or w/d start in tomorrow night. I can't even say I know w/d will be bad - I haven't let myself be drug free long enough to find out this time.

I've also said this before, but if I can't stay clean through the weekend, I'm going to tell my husband. He's going to flip out. It's not in his nature, he does not believe in addiction. Heck, he doesn't even believe depression is a real disease. I love the dumb bunny, but he is not going to understand this disease. Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit, and despite how great our marriage is, this could be a giant hurdle I don't know that we can get over. So I've got to try one more time to kick this on my own. If I can't do it this weekend, I'm going to have to tell him.

So, wish me luck. This weekend is going to be it, one way or another. I'm either going to be 4 days clean on Monday.... or I'm going to be sitting down with my husband and begging for his support and help. And Tuesday, I'll either be drug free -- or quite possibly, single.

Ugh. I refuse to use that as an excuse, tho. I've got to get this together for me before it really starts screwing with my life. Right now, I'm still functioning, although not at 100%. Probably not even at 75%. And next week, I'm going to be getting a big promotion at work. I've got to be at the top of my game again, before people start to notice.

Thank you, again. For your patience and your understanding. You guys don't know how much you've helped... even if I haven't kicked this yet. I so appreciate you all.
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1727149_tn?1314163136
I need the best way to taper off.  Have done 4-10/325 Norco for a few yrs.  When I needed a boost, I would up the anty to 6.  Any more than that made me dizzy or nauseated.  I am stuck on 3.
Also on Wellbutrin for depression.  Still not motivated at all.
The past 2 days I have felt dizzy.  Is that normal for just dropping down by 1 pill a day?
I think this stuff makes me sad.  I have been just so sad.  I can't get moving for anything.  I am missing out on life. Don't know if it is the depression or the Norco.

Thanks, I have been reading these post for 3 days now since I found this site.
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Avatar_f_tn
There be a point where you have had enough.  I tried back in Februrary and my daughter came down with ammonia (on my second day clean) and ending up being airflighted to Childrens Hospital.  Almost died, in hospital for 2 weeks.  So here I am sitting in a hospital trying to deal and taking pills the whole time.  Sad.  Even then, I kept pushing the date back- tomorrow, next week, after her birthday.  I finally had enough and just did it.  I had enough.  This is your time to say- "I have had enough.  I don't want to give up anymore of my life for these stinking pills!"  Are you ready? Good, come take the detox train with us.  Its a barrel of fun and we are all on the ride with you.
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Hey new I started also. Tomorrow at 3pm will be two days complete for me. SMOOTH sailing really compaired to other detoxes. I jumped from a low amount and I am taking something for the wd symptoms that are eliminating most of the symptoms (although I'm not allowed to post it :)
So all in all feeling pretty good concidering. Even turned down a friend who had some :). I'm on my way! Maybe this is the last! You should keep going too! I went for a walk today too, over 2.5 miles. Went 2 miles yesterday.
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Hi, Nanny. We're not allowed to post specific taper info... but the general idea is to take enough to keep the symptoms at by, but decrease the dose until you're down to none. I usually have n/v during detox, and emotions run CRAZY - so it all sounds pretty normal to me.

Overeasy: Thank you.  I'm hoping today is my "enough is enough." I feel lucky that I haven't hit a financial, emotional, and life rock bottom, but I'm unhappy enough with the status quo. So, I hope that's enough and I DON'T have to get to rock bottom to quit. Hey, already, it's been 1 hour and 11 minutes!!

Back2Me: CONGRATS!~!!! Day two tomorrow. Awesome. I hope to be right behind you. I think the walking and exercising really help.... maybe it's the endorphins, or maybe it's the exhaustion.... but it all seems to help.

I will check in tomorrow. And I am looking forward to saying it's been a full DAY without as of tomorrow. Yes, yes, yes...... Yes.
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I took my last 2 hydros last Friday morning. This all started 4 years ago with a pill here and there just for kicks, then gradually became a 6-8 10mg hydro a day habit. I went c/t a few times and by day 4, when I was finally feeling a bit better, called my connect and got more. (for me that's about the time when your mind starts playing with me)

No one close to me knows about my addiction, and I want to keep it that way. I finally made the decision to quit. Not just thought I should, but decided "that's it". Since I have w/d a few times I knew what to expect. The first few times I thought I wanted to quit and was terrified of the w/d's and they were brutal. Painful legs, chicken skin, FEAR, and no sleep.

Surprisingly, this time is different. I went through 4th of July weekend with a foggy head, but that's about it. Sleep was a bit tough, but nothing 2 Benadryl couldn't take care of. Last night I got 5 hours with out any help. I think the best thing that I did was to so some real intense exercise. I mean want to make you puke exercise. I felt like a million bucks for the rest of the day. I still kind of want my little yellow friends, but it's getting real easy to brush off the feeling. I can get them any time but haven't been tempted to call. I just think about them every so often. I don't ever pray, but each night this week I pray that God and my mom that passed last year will keep an eye on me.

Anyways, tomorrow is a week. I hope my little story helps someone. If I can give some advice....Once you make the decision, the w/d process seems easier. I think mostly because you don't have the fear of not having any more. Because, you don't want any more. Gatorade, amino's and vitamins. They definitely helped me out. The biggest help is INTENSE exercise. Instantly clears your mind. God Bless.

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I also can't say enough about all of you. When I needed a little boost or to fill time so that my mind wouldn't start thinking about pills, I would come here and just read. It really helped me out. So, Thank you!
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HEY GIRL.......ok will right it off on this dam heat 109 today and I was fixing my truck at 1 in the afternoon because I coudent get parts sooner......let me tel you this ......this is the hardest simple thing you will ever do..I have raised 5 kids been married 29yrs...I have owned 3 bisseness been a top sales associate in 3 fortune 500 company's have built and owned a custom home in the forest but my greatest accomplishment was when I broke my 16 1/2 yr addiction to narcotics this is no little deal your just at the beginning of this thing sucking you in like it did me.....you dont have to live like this any more....when the cravings hit distract yourself they usually go by in a few minutes they may return do the same thing if you believe in God pray it helps I found praying for strength seamed to work the best and just know to break free from this ...'''you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile....your going to feel a bit of anxiety mabe some creppy crally skin but push past it this is 1/3 phyical 2/3 mental and I trully believe this is a battle one or lost in ones own mind....its all about attitude keep a positive attitude even when the sh it is deep you can do this I know you can do this your not to far gone just trust me for the next few days will get you threw this so where 3hr into it now ill touch base with you tomorrow hang in there YOU CAN DO THIS ....good luck and God bless.......Gnarly
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You know ex's that won't go away make you want to mind numb.  Mine is now threatening to take me to court over a judgement in the divorce that I pay off a cred card.  There is also a judge that says we both pay 1/2 taxes/////////////////this divorce was over 3 years ago.  He is in contempt of not paying his share of taxes. This weiner gets off by threatening women. he has sued all of his renters which are women????  Anyway, he is threatening.  And I lost my job, took in my 80 yr old addict of a mother, bought a house 3 months before the crunch then lost my job a year ago. I am a sinking ship. And then this guy has the nerve to threaten me. I could just blow a gasket.  Well, he will win over ---get this $400.00??  You can't get blood out of a turnip.  
No wonder we all get lost so easily and take that extra hit.  Damn.
I am trying to just not give a da-n but my panties are still twisted up. I can feel my guts twist every time I get an email.  Always the same.
Sorry guys, I should have written this on my own journal. Think I will copy and paste.
Good Night and God Bless all of you for your patience with those of us that are just LOST.
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12 hours 51 minutes.

And boy, would I like a pill to get me going this morning. Don't want to eat (SHOCKING for me), don't want to get up, don't want to do any work. Just want to pop a pill and fade away awhile.

But that's what I've been doing for months. So - no, no, no.

I'm *bored*. I had taken a few days off work to get through w/d.... then didn't stop using until yesterday. But I can't leave the house to go to the gym right now as I'm waiting for 3 deliveries (shopping, clothes, NOT more pills!). I'm thinking about putting a P90x video. But I'm so draggy. It's such a quandry - I feel like if I take a Vic, I could knock out that video!! But the reason I should do the video is so I don't take a Vic!!!

Ok. Day One. This is 100% mental. Not even mental-chemical. It's just mental. I'm not having any physicial symptoms except an intense desire for the drug and thoughts that I can't function without it. But very little else. I have a tiny, tiny bit of chest pressure - like I want to have heartburn... it feels like maybe it's the very beginning of some anxiety.... but it's tolerable.

C'mon. 12 more hours and I will have Day 1 under my belt. Well, 11 hours and 5 minutes now. I can't believe how aware I am of the clock....
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HI  caught you early and yes you got 1/2 a day WOOHOO 11 more hr to go and you will have a day but do your best to not clock watch try and stay bizzy clean out the closet wash the car friggin dust storm.....exercising always helps find a movie or some tv to watch turn up the radio and dance till you drop anything to keep your mind off the pills at this point the cravings will get to be less sever as you gain clean time but early on there a bit ch
I was always to restless to read but for some that works beleve it or not a good old fasion puzzle will keep you going with some mindless activity keep posting for support I will be in and out all day I will try to check up on you from time to time hang in there and just read my last post remember this is one or lost in your mind ....YOU CAN DO THIS ......Gnarly  
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HEY IF you get board read my journals on my home page just hover your cursor over my nic then click on it look under journals...........Gnarly
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Thank you :-)

I think you're my virtual guardian angel. I will be on and off the site as well throughout the day. I'm not proud to say I'm getting so much motivation and confidence from you and other posters, but I am. I believe it SHOULD be internal strength to pull me through, but right now - it's not. It's encouraging words. And the fact that everyone didn't jump on my case and berate and belittle when I screwed up. I can't believe how wonderful that felt when I was expecting to read about how much of a loser everyone thought I was.

What's interesting is my very best friend is an addict. She's been through rehab and recovery 4 times, and she still isn't clean. Through our 20 years together, until the last 2 years, I NEVER understood her addiction. I never used, couldn't figure out what her issue was and why she couldn't just stop. She'd relapse and have an excuse, and I just thought she was weak and just didn't really want to stop. Now I know how wrong I was.

When I'm clean - and probably need to wait until I've been clean a few weeks - I owe her a phone call or a letter. I need to apologize for the judgement I passed on her. I was absolutely wrong in thinking she was just weak-willed. I get it now. Unfortunately, I get it. I will call her and apologize. But I'm waiting to do it, because I'm way to fragile myself to talk to someone who might be high, or is considering getting high.

Anyway. Tick tock, trying not to watch the clock. Going to see if I can veg out awhile and watch some TV or something. Then when I can't stand it anymore, I'll do the workout. And read some journals, too! Thanks gnarly!
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Still stuck at home waiting on these darn deliveries. BUT - the sneezing and runny nose have begun!! I'm viewing it as the toxins escaping my body. . . and a positive thing. Trying to KEEP thinking about it that way is the hard part.

A little headache, too. I guess I'll revise my plans since I can't leave yet. Take a tylenol for the headache and shower - I know it could potentially be downhill from here for the next 72 hours.... so try to bang out any MUST do's now.

I still think the working out is a good plan, but getting less and less inclined to do it. So for now, a shower, clean clothes, tylenol, more water.... and then we'll see.
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Hey Girl your doing good another 3 hr down  and the symptoms are to be expected but should be mild they do bring on cravings though so have a plan for that mabe break out that work out video if they hit.....as far as getting much done try to keep it to ez task today things that take 10 to 20 min work the best....I never could concentrate worth a dam when detoxing
if you can later get to the vidio store and pick up a movie for late tonight its the all night up that will drive you over ther edge and theres usually nothing on tv that late again the goal here is to burn time each and every hr is a victory we win this thing by baby steps ill be in and out today got a few small things to do but im beat from working on my truck yesterday in the heat kinda overdid it hang in there  I will check back with you later remember  keep telling yourself I CAN DO THIS  '''this is a battle one or lost in ones own mind.......take care Gnarly  
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Ugh. Here comes the nausea.

It's 2 pm... Still 5 hours away from 24 hours. Can't chicken out now. I think I'm going to try to go take a nap and sleep through some of the upset stomach. Keep an immodium near the bed... ugh ugh ugh ugh.
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Hey well your 5 hr away from your first day CODOS for not caving in your going to do it this time  im having one of those days/weeks my truck is still over heating new lower hose that left me stranded on wen a new radiator now tomorrow im praying a thermostat fixes the problem  I will by it tonight and put it on earlly in the morning no more working in the heat this is our only vehicle God I hope this works.....but at least im sober to work on it amen to that and compatibly my problems are small its just a thermostat thank God I know how to work on things just bums me out you keep pushiong threw the pain we need to get you threw this and I got a good feeling your going to make it this time around hang in there message me if you want to talk Gnarly    
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Sorry to hear about your truck - in this heat, NOT enjoyable.

So, I took a little nap - unexpected. I didn't think I'd get ANY sleep this time around... but I did just nap almost an hour. Yay!! The N/V has passed for now, so I'm thankful for that.

Going to try and distract myself ALOT now. The packages finally came, so I'm going to go run some errands. Maybe get a tea, pick up that Hyland stuff in case I need it, maybe even get a lottery ticket. I'm going to have a GOOD and sober weekend. Darnit!

And after reading some more on the boards, I've opted to ASSUME I'm going to be fine this weekend and stop waiting for the bad symptoms to hit. If they do, they do. I'm feeling ok right now, so - let's go!
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Make sure you have potasssium! BIG help, you can taake up to several thousand mg safely. It really helps with your muscle contractions & nerve transmission. I am on day 9, and was draggin a$$ today but after taking several I feel much better! Cal/mag/zinc helps too. Get some Hylands Calm Forte, valerian root, melatonin, and even some advil pm to help you sleep if your having trouble, chammomile & sleepy time tea help some too. You can do it!! Best to ya! Julie
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2 hours and it will be 24!! I know it's just the beginning of the detox (and naturally, recovery), but I'm excited I'm not in bed and writhing. I've tried making it a day... heh... well, just about ever darn day.... and haven't been very successful, so I'll take Day 1. My hubby will be home soon, so the evening should be easier, then to bed, and then on to day 2!

Just got in from the pool - the water was a great 93 degrees. I think I'll spend the entire weekend in the pool... and that should also help make me tired.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

Jewlz: Thank you! And congrats on day nine!!!
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Sounds like you're doing great! I knew you would! Hope you got the Hyland's stuff, it worked wonders for me! And the pool is an awesome way to spend the weekend with this heat! Just think, you can get clean, AND get a great tan! ;) Thinking positive! Good luck and keep us posted!
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HEY GIRL hope you dont read this till morning but if it 3 am and your up wired for sound like you probably will be just let it be an encouragement to you to keep pushing on threw an NO mothers little helpers to get back to sleep.....you got to tuff it out.....btw you are completely out of pills right??? anyway the nights are the worst for most of us there long lonely and theres nothing to do you want to sleep but cant your so tired your ready to colaps take what little sleep you get and just know it will retun try to eat small ez to digest meals and force the fluids if nothing else its always beautiful to go for a sim on a warm desert night you can go out and do that post when you get a chace to let us know how your doing good luck and God bless  Gnarly
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Day 2. Had a little trouble sleeping, but was able to fall back asleep after about 30 minutes and waking up around 2. No complaints.

I got up at 7, rounded up the dogs, and took them out to the desert for a long walk. Just got back. It's crazy hot - 96 already - so I'm sweaty, tired, but PILL-FREE.

I took some tylenol this morning for a headache. I'm able to eat - no n/v. I am SO LUCKY this go round - the w/d is very, very, very mild. The hellacious one I went through before must have stuck with me, and this last relapse didn't damage me too much. I am excited.

Gnarly - so... I was originally going to flat out lie and say I don't have any pills, but I do. Leftover from my taper, I've not gotten more. In my addict mind, I was saving them in case the w/d was too bad and I needed to extend the taper. That hasn't happened. I absolutely should flush them. I know this. Heck, I know this from the LAST time I tried to quit. I'm working up to get the nerve to do it.
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yay! youre doing really good!!! so awesome! getting rid of them is the best idea.... you can get through this!!! this is my day 1 nothing to taper with so we will see. i am proud of you that you have gotten this far!!!! keep going =]
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Congratulations on getting through Day 1!  It's a big mental boost and you're only going forward now and you will get better and stronger every day.  The heat stinks, I live due east in South TX, where it's a cool 88 already;  but it'll hit 100 by the end of the day.  I try not to complain about it too much, because every day is a gift, but with the never ending heat and sun, it's a tough one!.  I guess I'll be thankful for central airconditioning.... :)
Great job and Best of Luck to You!
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Sneeze sneeze sneeze sniffle sneeze. That's where I'm at now. Is it really only 10AM? I shoulda walked longer and harder, I guess, 'cause now I'm climbing the walls going crazy.

The hubby is playing a video game - maybe I'll go join him to waste some time. I'm biding my time before I go swim... trying not to fixate on the time. Maybe I should paint the house, but I'm afraid soon I'll be fatigued and lethargic. Oh, the uncertainty.

Not enjoying today much, but not really physically suffering too much, either.
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HEY Girl congrats on making it threw the day and more so the night ....you can do this now
this time around this is going to be less physical on you but please trust me when I say addiction is 2/3 mental during a detox get rid of those pills b/4 your tempted to use....the mind plays funny games during this time ....you can get hit with monster cravings out of nowhere and if the pills are around you will use time to flush them and eliminate any chance of going back I know just how hard it is to do this it like so weird you know you never want to use again but you cant let go of the bottle...when I took my last dose of methadone I dumped around 750mg down the toilet and was absolutely petrified in fear....like you I was living in the what if senerio  but on one hand it was tarafing on the other it was freeing I no longer could turn back it was gone time to sink or swim sorta thing....time for you to swim....now from here out it will be a battle of the mind dont under estimate how difficult this can be....dont be intimidated by it just be prepared   O did I forget to tell you FLUSH THE PILLS !!!! anyway your doing great  ....by the way thanks for putting up the post on polling about who you told......it was a tuff one for me ....I avoided it all day but finely got the courage up to answer it ....now try to stay bizzy know this thing might just mess with your head for a wile keep posting for support we all want to see you make it out of this im happy it is not to bad on you physically and remember theres a very wise lady on here who will tell you '''keep your guard up'' I will check back later got to get the grill ready all the kids are coming over for my birthday have a great day ....Gnarly      
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

So - made it 4 more hours. Still haven't flushed. Still thinking about doing it. So damn hard.

Addict says: Don't bother, you only have a few. If you flush, then you'll just get a LOT more

Smart Me says: FLUSH! No going back now. You've made without bad w/d, it's not going to get worse. FLUSH!

Addict says: Nah. Just keep them. It's too scary to be 100% without me. What if you need me??

Smart Me says: You don't need them! You've proven it. It's only temptation that you can't afford to have around. FLUSH!

Addict: It'll be fine. You won't take them unless you need them.

Smart: FLUSH. It's the only way. You will feel SO GREAT once you do.

Addict: Your anxiety will go UP not down.

Smart: Screw anxiety. Do it now.

And... I haven't yet flushed them.
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HI......PLEASE TRUST ME.....FLUSH THEM ....im telling you your brain chemistry is going to be all over the place if you got them you will use them at a time of weakness and we all get those detoxing.....you may just be laying there in bed unable to sleep and as addicts we can reason are way into anything if you dont believe me just read back your last post your a master of reasoning the problem is as addicts especially in detox (the next 4 days) were not always rashenal we tend to over think things and it gets us into trouble.....just ask some of the regulars here we see this kind of stuff all the time many of us did exactly what your doing and then had to live with the consequence of failure and I dont have to tell you what that feel like you know it first hand....you do this as much as I do we see where people make wrong turns wile trying desperately with good intentions ....your past the physical part its a mind game from here but as long as those pills are there they WILL CALL YOUR NAME please believe me on this it is a common mistake witch almost always ends in failure you got threw the hard part lets secure your future sobriety.......Gnarly  
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OK, I hope you've flushed those pills by now.  If not, there's nothing else I can say that hasn't already been said by people who know way more about this stuff than I do, SO....I DARE YOU TO FLUSH THEM!  Go ahead and do it already.  You've jumped the Big Day One hurdle, so now it's time to really move forward.  You don't know me  as I don't post very often, and my words won't carry much weight,  so maybe do it because..........It's Gnarly's Birthday!  I'll bet he'd think it was a great present!  
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So are they gone yet?  Just curious.  Well I have to go pack now - taking a vacation from all this heat!  But I do believe Gnarly is right - the longer you keep those pills around, the heavier they weigh on your mind.  You seem like a great person, and you deserve more than going through "Day Ones" over and over again.  And I know that  you get that the only reason you can do this  is because you desperately want your life back;  not because it's someone else's birthday.  (Even if he is a great person too :).  Take care..Sandy
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Flush them. Knowing that you still have them will haunt you constantly. Tomorrow will be 10 days clean for me. At this point I know I don't want any more, but if I were in my first few days and knew there were pills around the house there would be no question about what I would do. I wouldn't have gone out to seek them, but if I had them I would eat them. Get rid of them and take care of yourself.
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she's gonna flush those pills? you guys are funny...
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Flushed and pissed off. :-)

Can't sleep, flushed and sweaty.

But pill-free. Oh yah, and did I mention PISSED?!?!
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I am IMPRESSED!! with a very capital I.  when did you flush them?
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HEY GIRLY CUDOS TO YOU ........I new you could do it......sorry about the no sleep thing but it is to be expected hey if you get board it a  nice night for a swim....im beat the barb/Q went great got to see all my kids and spoil my grandbabys......but God I feel old....lol any way you just increased your chances of success by 80 % the other 20% is all in the mind you need to change up your attitude you did the right thing but attitude is everything wile doing this you have been doing great up till now its ok to get pissed just not to stay that way....so it is best not to fight the sleep thing its just part of this and in the big picture whats a couple of nights without sleep.....no biggy....roll up on the couch turn on the tube and find something to vedge out on you will get threw the night I will check on you if you like we can chat using the messenger I will keep company with you just message me ......im proud of you for flushing them it shows me your serious.....Gnarly
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flush them?  i want to see video tape.  :) joking. im in NY and gnarly that lay on the couch and flicking through channels constantly for a few nights doesnt sound all that bad. As stated tomorrow when i wake up will be day 1 for me of wd from 40 mf of oxys daily i know not big but i was a heroin addict 20 years ago so i dont want it to get any worse and i appreciate support to get past the whatever little amt of days im going have to suffer.
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Hey dude where here for everyone please try to be non specific about use it ok to say how much your coming off of but dont tell anyone you got some crushed up and ready theres a lot of people out here haging by a thread I will walk this thing out with you just start your own post you got about 4 to 5 days of D/T  to go threw it wont be as harsh as heroin but your also 20 yrs older and oxy is not pleasant to come off off I will be in touch by the way welcome to our community...........Gnarly  
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gnarly thanks but seriously ive seen alot of worse things in these posts. im going to bed. Im me and you are you. Ill post how my days are going daily and maybe ill hear from you soon.
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Best of luck to you on your Day 1! I hope you're making it through okay.

And yes - while I didn't tape it, I DID flush them! Funny: I *did* take a picture of the little f'rs sitting in the bottom of the toilet. I did it about 4 hours after my post about should I or shouldn't I flush - before I read everyone's comments.

Gnarly: So glad you enjoyed time with you family. I enjoyed yesterday with my hubby myself, despite the mild w/d.

Last night was okay-ish. The feeling of being pissed off faded to a more subdued anger. :-)

But hubby and I watched movies, played a game, made dinner, yadda yadda. Stayed up until around 1 AM with him. I took 2 Benadryl around midnight, so went to bed at 1, too, and slept until 3... was up a bit, took more Bendaryl at 4, and went back to bed. Woke up and was restless since about 6...... but that is still more sleep then expected.

So, all in all, doing ok. I did not get a rush of power or joy with the flush. Anger and sadness is what I felt before, during, and after. I don't feel any stronger, or even empowered by it. But the fact is, there is nothing in the house now. As for any addict I suppose, more is just a phone call away, but I'm trying not to think about that. I did feel better with the "safety net" in the house.... so actually a little unsettled today.

However.10.5 hours and it will be DAY 4. Officially halfway through Day 3. A very unenthusiastic yay me.
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HEY Girl how did last night go ?? it early dident see you post last night so im hoping you got some sleep post to let us now how this is going for you we all want you to succeed....Gnarly
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K cool your still hang in there im so happy tyhis is working out for you...must have bumped the computer at  the same time any way keep posting where out here  for ya......Gnarly
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Well, a very ENTHUSIASTIC yay from me! Whether it feels empowering or not, it IS huge! I'm very proud of you! You are turning the corner and should start feeling better soon (physically). I knew you could do it! You have so many people rooting for you here! Keep up the good work and keep us posted on your progress.
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I am like 7 hours ahead of you. Day 4 is complete in like 3 hours for me. Also very little wd for me this time. But I did jump from very low amount. Anyway great job. Now how in the hell are we going to STAY clean?!?!?! That's the question being like my 10th time doing this.
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Staying clean... I guess that's the real question, isn't it?

I read and read and read that a good aftecare program is essential. I can't say I disagree, but I'm flat out not going to a meeting. I've heard the arguments, agree with most of them, but it's not going to happen. Please don't bother to try and convince me: I AGREE with the idea.

I also know that all my reasons which seem very valid to me are excuses: I'm an RN, an instructor, licensed in many states with lots of differing statutes. I absolutely refuse to my license at risk, even though I understand the idea that the meetings are confidential/anonymous. However, I also know of many cases where things have happened.... I've had to deal with nurses at work where it's come to my attention they are addicts. I am NOT putting myself publicly in that situation. Period.

I've given some thought to counseling. I have great insurance. However, I really don't want the ICD-9 code on my medical record. I've thought about paying out of pocket and not reporting any insurance, but I don't think I'd stick with that long term due to the cost.

Excuses? Yes. However, they are valid to me.

So I have no idea what my plan is yet. As I've mentioned, I have not (and will not be) telling my husband about my problem right now. I'm terrified of the potential fallout from that. I told exactly one, extraordinarily trusted person in my life and it backfired terribly. I won't be doing that again soon.

Alright, so what I CAN do is focus on today. I'm going to clean the house. Maybe go for a swim. Try to stay busy even though I'm really tired with hopes that I can sleep tonight. Try not to lament the flushed pills (too late, I'm already lamenting. Guess that's proof I needed to get rid of them).

Hope you all are doing well. Back2Me - keep it up! I'm on your heels!

Trying - Thank you, thank you. I can't wait to be a week from today. Last time, I made it ten days and relapsed, so that's another milestone for me when I make it: Day 10. But for today, let's just get through Day 4, right?

Gnarly - I haven't figured out how to IM anyone on the site. What am I missing?
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Your doing great! I understand the struggle trust me, I was a nursing student, but with my stupid issues as a youngn, I feared not even getting in to nursing school, so I am now in school for Physical Therapy & need to get this under control now, i'm so over it! Do you have some stuff to help you along?? Potassium, cal/mag/zinc? Gatorade...I fealt like lead, but once I began taking them I began to feel alot better! Immodium too! Here I am on day 11! You can do it, stay focused!! Julie
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Hi :).  Yes, you do sound like you're doing great.  KEEP IT UP!  I'm with you as far as meetings but I did see something on this site about online meetings.  When I feel alittle better I am going to look into it.  Im just too restless to sit in front of this computer for too long of a time.  Yes its day 1 for me.  Im tapering.  I didnt touch anything until about 15 minutes ago when i hit some crumbs and i feel alittle better already. Its bearable.  If i didnt have, I wouldnt get any.  Its just here like a 20 mg pill and a quarter of a 30 mg pill so thats it.  so yea im tapering instead of the ct.  otherwise yes id ct like you are.  I did get up I had a protein shake some cereal cupcakes to keep the weight on and im into a Lifetime movie right now.  I also have my masters, work for a huge company, am certified in many different states yada yada.  ANyhow thanks for asking about me.  Ill be back laater.  Youre an inspiration to me.  Thank you.
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oh and i cant believe you really did take that pic!! That is sooo funny. :) Sometimes a bit of humor goes a long way.  Thanks for putting a smile on my face.
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You can do it too!! If I can ANYONE can! I'm 11 days clean from methadone (pills) I tapered veeerrrryyyyy sloooowww over the last year & I tell ya, personally, it is NOTHING like I remembered cold tukeying it the 2 times I tried. Even ct off of 20 mg last summer was he!! think I made it to day 2 barely! I havent been willingly 11 days clean in almost 10 years, I absolutley attribute alot of it to tapering. Keep ya head up! You can do it!! Julie
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hi......to message someone just hover your mouse over there nic a box will appear it will say leve a not send a message or add a freind just click on the send a message and you will open a nother box you type your message there  press send and they get it to know when you got one go to the top of this page there is the blue bare that says med help and various things across the top at the extream right just below this bare you will see your in box ...log out and my short cuts.....when chating back and forth just send the message and every so often watch your in box a number will apear just click on that number and it will take you to your message I will send you one to get started ........Gnarly
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Thanks so much.  Same here.  Im not feeling cting off even a small mg amt these days.  Im 41 years young right now.  The last time I cted was 20 years ago and yea this is all bringing back literally very painful memories :).  wow!!  Im still good right now. I was able to get out back, scoop leaves out of the pool, clean the fridge.  Slowly but surely....  Thanks again so much for the encouragement.
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You know that the fact you took ONE pill and flushed the rest impresses me!  That took alot of courage!  It shows how badly you want to get clean.  But it was playing Russian Roulette.  If there were a next time it might not be as successful.  I am also a recovering Vicodin addict and though it's been several years, sometimes the opportunity comes up to get some pills and it is tempting.  I miss that feeling but then I think of when I would run out and that sick, depressed feeling that would come over me and I realize I don't miss that part of it.  I hope you hang in with it.  You seem like you have what it takes to make it!
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Gnarly - AH, I get the messaging now!! It's using the inbox - not really an instant message service. Got it!!

dkny - AWESOME. I'm glad your gettin' about. That's sometimes so tough. It has been for me today, trying to stay motivated to do anything. I'm sooooooooo tiiiiiirrrrrrreeeeddddd but I can't nap because I'm scared I won't sleep tonight. And I've got a long day at work tomorrow, so need to sleep.

As it turns out, all day are Harry Potter movies on tv. I'm about tv'd out, but it's something mindless. I can't seem to watch anything sappy, or I'm a bawling snotball. Funny, since that is so against my usual, sober nature. But right now, a good Kleenex, Lysol, or ASPCA commercial can get be sobbing. Ha.

I think it's time to go make a smoothie with bananas. The potassium, you know, to keep the symptoms at bay. So far so good, I'm totally making it to Day 4. 7pm, here I come.
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Funny. I hit post, and then got hit by optimism. Just downloaded this to my itunes, and it fits my mood right now. I'm not deluded enough to think it will last, but for right now, it's good:

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin?for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin?but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin?but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.
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Don't feel bad, ASPCA commercials make me bawl EVERYTIME!!! even when I'm NOT detoxing! LOL!!
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HEY GIRL good to see your making it with flying colors your attatude is right wher it needs to be as far as your emotions there going to be all over the place im a mans man and cryed like a baby wile detoxing its all part of the process let your emotions flow dont bottle them up now is not the time to try to keep ones composure this is a natural process your brain chemistry is all over the place and will be for a wile hang in there your going to make it threw all this everything will be fine just give it some time if you got questions you know how to get in touch with me now I will help you all I can I want to see you make it out this mess good luck and God bless......Gnarly
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Addiction is such a terrible thing! I know where your at and it's not a good place. I'm so sorry. After me being about 8 months clean I relapsed on dilaudid. And to make matters worse I'm 35 weeks pregnant. Now I have to deal with my terrible mistake I've made. And so does my unborn babygirl. this is how you know addiction is so overtaking. Now I have to work hard everyday to stay clean and think about my baby and now I have to worry about ifthis week of taking pills has hurt her and if I will get her taken from me when she is born. :/ I'm sorry your also going thru such a hard time. I wish u the best. You'll be in my prayers.
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14 MINUTES UNTIL DAY 4. Ha. I'll take it! I *can* do this. I hope I don't hit a valley here, but I really feel like I'm coming all okay. This time feels a little different. I don't want to jinx myself, or get over confident. But I really feel like I can do this. Hm.

Anyway, signing off for the night (most likely, that is, unless I can't sleep). Going to whip up a spectacular dinner for the hubby, then settle in for a quiet Sunday night before the workweek starts.

Will continue to post. And I thank you all for your support - it has helped immensely.

My next big hurdle will be making it through Day 10.
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It feels different because you WANT this and you WILL do it this time!! You got this!! It will get easier soon!! You have a good night, hope you get some sleep! Till tomorrow! Julie
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Well, it's morning. I slept a good 6 hours. And now I'm off to work. Day 4 is going pretty well!! Cravings like the dickens, but... I'm working to stay strong!
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6 hours is awesome! Glad you slept, that helps out alot with being able to function! Keep taking your supplements, you are on your way!! Julie
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CRAP.

Before I even write this, I know what you all are going to say. FLUSH.

So, I'm at the office, merrily working away at my desk and preparing to teach a class - and I open my drawer and . . . . . guess where the addict stashed 8 lovely, beautiful, shiny whites? You got it.

I know. Flush. I know. This should be easy. IT WAS SO HARD TO FLUSH THE LAST ONES AT HOME. I completely forgot about these being here.... and now... I'm back at staring at them thinking, "Why is this so hard?!!"
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i used to stash all over the house too im sure ill be finding some sooner or later =[  you must get rid of them! if they are there you know that you will justify it to yourself that taking a few isn't that big of a deal.... you would be very dissapointed in yourself if you give in to them. you have come to far to turn back! dont make all that you have gone through a waste!  i have faith in you!!!
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HEY GIrl glad you dident take them......flush them B/4 you do you got really lucky this time it can be disastrous when your craving to have this happen its hard to get out of the old cycles of the way where use to doing things you have to relearn how to do everything without pills ...its a learning process im glad your doing good though work should keep your mind off this stuff hang in there I will check back with you later .......Gnarly  
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Day 5 for us. Feeling pretty good here. And there is a nice storm going on. I love storms!
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Aw well that *****! I never dealt with stashing b/c methadone lasts all day, so I only had to take it once in the am. You have come SO far, don't let them win! It will get easier....You got this!!

@BacktoMe...I am SO jealous! I love storms too!! Not the really HUGE ones though, i'm a New Orleans girl, so I can do without the hurricanes lol....I am wishing it would rain right now, just took my dog for a walk, wishing it would rain...while I was still walking her :) it is a HOTT one outside!!
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Well, just finished teaching my first class of the day. A couple hours break for other work, then another class. Haven't flushed, haven't used. Walking a tightrope today.
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Please be strong, your doing great! You haven't used & you can't because you deserve to be free of this! You have come so far!! Keep up the good work!
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Hey.....good to see your back to work now do the right thing and flush the pills you dont need them any more they will only make your addiction come back to life you where strong today but there will be days and we all get them....I get them when you not so strong please listen to me on this one it is critical to your sobriety anyways congrats on another day down
O and by the way did I remind you to flush them?? seriously explain to me what good you see coming out of holding on to them???? remember a relapse starts days ahead of time
once you start obsessing on that high your sunk if you got pills good luck and God bless....Gnarly    
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Tomorrow is one week!
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Picture it: A woman, in a business suit, in the middle of a healthcare facility - standing in a bathroom stall with a fistfull of pills... and just waiting. Finally, tossing them into the toilet... flushing them.... the promptly licking her palm of the leftover white dust from simply holding the pills.

Oh yeah, that's me at my finest hour. But hey, at least it wasn't me at my WORST hour! And the pills DID go down the drain!

So I finished out my workday yesterday. Met a friend for a glass of wine, then went home. Still had more energy than expected, changed into grubbies. Grabbed the cleaning supplies and started cleaning out my car (I've got lots pets, so the inside of my car is not pretty. Ever). And wouldn't you know it - guess what I find?! You got it! Another stash!

It's like they're stalking me.
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Good lawd! I think your right! lol Too bad we can't get restraining orders on them ;) But each & everytime you flush you are saing "in yo face" to those damn pils! Well, if they had a face :) But you get my point!

Glad you had some energy, I am still lacking in that department, sheesh, it really plays with me hard! I seem to have some by the evening, could be either from the supplements I take all day or from the fact that this hott a$$ sun is about to go down, whatever the case may be, I make DAY 14 tomorrow! I have been anxious to get to my 2 week mark!

Stay strong, I know it is not easy, but you are doing awesomeeeee!!! Julie
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Hey Girl Job well done.......and ya doing that messes with your head but now your safe
did you get rid of the ones from the car yet ?? hummm  hope so im telling you if I had a dime for every time I seen a secret stash blowing someones clean time I wouldent have tro work all yr....so flush flush flush away and im proud of you a non addict dosent understand just how had that is to do let me know when everything is gone  and again good job well done as long as you can keep going like this you will beat this dam thing be strong .......Gnarly
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Back2: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Awesome and keep it up!

Jewlz: WOO HOO!!! I'm chasing your success, I tell ya. I'll get there, too! Keep up the great work.

Gnarly: Haven't flushed them yet. It feels so unfair!!! It was SO HARD TO DO THIS ALREADY! And they just keep popping up! Every time, it's a struggle, you'd think it would get easier. Uhm, no, it doesn't seem to be.

Today - I think is Day 5? I'm losing track, I'll have to go back and count the days. LOL I think tonight at 7 will be Day 6, but I have to double check. I'm actually feeling kinda gross today - stomach upset, listless. Nothing I can't cope with or need to call in sick for, but not quite right either.

It COULD just be a normal bug, and not detox.... funny how the line is blurred. It will be nice to eventually not feel good and know it's just because I don't feel good. Ha.
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Today.

*****.
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Darn filters.

Let me try that again.

Today.

Bites. Blows. Stinks.

Is a huge, gaping, hole of suckage.

Is cravetastic.

Luckily, I *did* flush the latest found stash, or I'd be all over them right now. Without a doubt.

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Do something nice for urself since u flushed those pills. Thats tough to do but u did it. I remember one time when i flushed pills i imediatly wanted to jump down the toilet after them. But i got a huge since of relief from it. All the anxiety i had while they were in my presence immediatly went away when i flushed them. Tell urself ur gonna have a good day. NO more negativity. We do have our bad days but as u get more time built up u will see that u start to have more good days then bad.
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Ok. So, I'm Debbie Downer today. Today *****.

I'm all the F's today: frustrated, fatigued, and fed up. Fed Up with trying to do the right thing, being drug-free, FEELING. I'm fed up with going through the motions of being normal and being positive. Well, today I'm NOT POSITIVE. I'm friggin' tired is what I am.

I want to use. I want to SEEK out pills. If I had _any_ I'd take them.I'm avoiding people because I have no willpower today, and if someone offers me one, I'd eat it. And ask for another.

Luckily, I've got nothing in the house. I'm working hard to not call anyone or talk to anyone and I don't _really_ want to get more. Well, yes, I do, but I don't - you probably all know what I mean.

If I get through today pill-free, it will be a miracle. Seriously. A miracle. It's only 10:15 AM and I've been obsessing about pills since 6. I'm fortunate (ha, another 'F'!) that I don't have a problem with alcohol. Tonight I very well may have a glass of wine. But honestly? I'm not a drinker and that doesn't even SOUND appealing. So maybe not.

Lemme tell you the F word I'd LIKE to be posting. :-)
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Go to a meeting.

Go to three meetings.

Get out of yourself.

You've got 6 days, that's almost a week - go help someone who's having trouble getting to 2 days.

When all else fails, nothing works like working with another drug addict.

Whatever you do, don't change your clean date - no matter what.

CATUF
2227
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Thanks, CATUF. I think you're right - reading and posting to others on the board here does seem to help some.

A meeting isn't going to happen for me (see above rant from Jul 10, 2011 11:59AM), but I appreciate the suggestion.

I'm half thankful and half irritated that I have to work today. I'm working from home, however, and while I'm productive, it's less steady then when at the facility... and more time for the mind to wander.
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I know how you feel! But you're doing great and you would just kick youself if you gave in! You've come too far! Stay positive, stay busy, and try not to think!
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I was at day 18 and took a pill. It felt disgusting. Actually took 1/2 the day prior and puked it out. But with found stash- I took 1.  Disgusted. Told my husband and he was so disappointed. Then I have legitimate real pain. Motrin and Tylenol aren't helping. So I took 1 more day 19. Felt worst!!!!!!! As time goes on your brain changes, I look back and can't imagine taking 15 to 17 pills a day . That's absurd. What were we thinking? Disgusting! Never want to withdraw again. That's why I flushed last stash. Had some at work too. Dumped 7. For energy taking energy supp but then I crash. Better to do that then take fake energy pills. Cravings suck. Technically would have been 20 days today, minus the 2. So I refuse to go back to day 1. No way! If not withdrawing like a nightmare, no need to count it. I just deducted 2 days. So still on day 18. But no symptoms, just legitimate pain. Surgery in a few months .... will ask for something other than norco. Gross. Good job on your clean time. Living , feeling, exercising ( a little), having emotions whether good or bad, is so much worth the fight. Music, dancing, not being in a fog, dark clouds, lieing, waiting for refills is Not worth it. Be glad we no longer count pills. Energy is the only thing I lack.... Good luck.
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Thanks, folks, for the comments and well wishes.

I'm done with work, signing off, and not planning on getting back online tonight. Depressed as heck and still still craving like crazy. Going to try to fix dinner, be at least courteous to my hubby, and go to bed as early as possible. Although, unfortunately, it feels like sleep may not come easily today despite the fact that I'm exhausted.

Just miserable all around.
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Well. It's morning. That's all I have to say on the matter right now.

Slept fine. Still ridiculously tired. Mood slightly better, so upgraded from miserable to okay.
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hey girl your going to get threw tihs .....remember what I said this is all about attitude you need to keep a positive one flowing to help get threw the hard times I truly believe it makes the difference between suffering and a little discomfort just remember you will have good days and bad days the more clean time you put in the better it will get try to not obsess on the pills keep your mind bizzy an idle mind is an addicts worst place you can do this but some times it can be a struggle just know in the end it will be so so workth it dont loose site of the grand prize good luck and God bless.......Gnarly    
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Yahoo!! One more day down. So relieved. Last 2 days have been ugly... but feeling a little better tonight.
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Keep it up!! It will get better!! We can do this!! I'm excited about finishing up day 15 tonight :)
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That seems to be how recovery works (at least it did for me) - one or two bad days and then finally a GOOD day - and it was SUCH a relief.  So expect that as you continue to move forward and trust that those good days will follow - because they will.  :)
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Glad to hear you're feeling a little better. Every day its something new, huh? lol. Hopefully tomorrow is one of those 'good days' everyone keeps talking about! *fingers crossed* Your doing great! Just keep with it!
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Man alive: allergy season is here for me. Eyes are itchy and scratchy, throat is itchy, ears are itchy... just took some claritin and hope it will settle me down enough to let me rest. The wind kicked up a little today, and that usually sets me off.

Still feeling better overall, just overwhelmingly...... ...... ..... I don't know the exact word. It's not precisely sadness, or feelings of depression, or anger... or even loss. I just don't feel right. The best way I can put it into words is sort of listlessly dissatisfied. And bored. Can be in the middle of something, and I'm bored out of my mind.

So, hope the allergy meds will kick in and let me at least be comfortable.
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HEY GIRL  good to see you still hanging in there it could be allergy or it could be the tail end of your withdrawal sneezing is common and so are runnig eyes also our bodys get run down detoxing and many members coplain of colds setting in right after detox.....sorry to here the mind games have started you just get an overall dissatisfaction with life for a wile nothing seams right and nothing brings happiness this is a normal part of withdrawal for some just depends....I wish I new how to help you .....from reading your posts your dead set agenst aftercare all i can do is give you advise I will help you threw it with what I have learned right now its all about attitude try not to get discouraged you will get threw this but each day is going to bring new challenges this goes in stages your hitting the emotional stage...just hang in there this will pass but it can hang around a wile trun up the music and dance do something fun anything to get out of your own head keep posting good luck and God bless.......Gnarly    
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Thank you, all! I didn't log back in last night to read anything else, but it sure helped this morning to have something to read through as I get ready for my day.

I slept pretty well, I think, but still waking up tired and draggy. My mindset seems a little better again today. Unfortunately, my hubby is having a bad week himself, so is grouchy and stressed out . . . so that's not helping. Trying to be there to uplift and motivate him, while really just wanting to crawl back into bed and call in sick to work.

But I'm still here! And still pill-free!
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Wow. It's 11:37 AM and I could put my head down on my desk and be flat out asleep. I was just on a conference call, closed my eyes, and actually drowsed for a second before shaking myself awake. THIS is a symptom I wasn't expecting. I'm so f*#)()#ing tired.

Nighttime sleep seems fine. Mood is okay, a little improved. But each body part weighs 20 lbs and I'm struggling to pick up a pencil.

What gives?
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HEY Girl this is the energy crash I often speak of it can be debilitating but with pills it usually not that long mabe a week or so just depends......I wish I new a cure but time and God seme to be the only solution you just have to go threw it trust me it will go away it just trying to function wile its happening thats ruff some people swear by 5hr energy I drink whey protein shakes but give your body what it needs and you will respond hang in there your habit wasent that big your energy crash shouldent  be that long hang in there you will get threw this good luck and God bless......Gnarly
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I sure hope you're right. A week sounds VERY LONG! lol

I know exercise would help, but I don't think I can drag myself through a routine. I'm going to try and push myself through it tomorrow morning and see if that can get me over this thing faster. I don't know.

But anyway. At least if I can sleep through it all, I won't be at risk for popping a pill, eh?!
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HEY  you got to get your mind off the pills it worries me where going into a weekend and often thats a time where where use to using......your doing good with that so far but its your thinking that has me consirened  remember what I said b/4 as addicts we need to change the very way we think and reason to beat this disease your still not there yet but not to fret it takes a wile to get there just dont get lost in your own mind stay bizzy pray if you believe in God the main think is not to give in to temptation it can be overwhelming at times but if you put one foot in frount of the other and just walk down the narrow path you can do this
learn form your mistakes you have made it this far b/4 its time to hunker down and push past.....I know you got it in you....YOU CAN DO THIS .....keep posting whe all want to see you succeed good luck and God bless.......Gnarly  
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Thanks. I'm hanging in there. Tonight sleep isn't coming easily, but hopeful that I'll get to sleep before midnight.

The weekend should be okay for me. Have a pretty full agenda, actually, and hubby is home and I'm determined to walk the straight and narrow. No more foggy Saturdays.

I would love if the fatigue would letup some... SLEEP would help if it would come!

Thanks again, and I'll be sure to check in.
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Oh oh oh! And tonight at 7pm was officially the start of my Day 10!!!!!

Which.... was when I fell off the wagon last time and relapsed. Here's hoping I clear Day 10 and make it through to Day 11 without any major pitfalls!
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You will clear day 10.  Think positive!!!!  You are in control, not your addiction.  Once you get some much needed sleep you will feel better.  It's coming so just hold on~~sara
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Girl, you're doing great! You and I had about the same size habit for about the same length of time. I know how you're feeling. Day 12 was AWFUL for me! Exhausted, no energy, no motivation! Kind of like the first couple months of pregnancy where you're just drained w/occasional bouts of nausea,ugh! but day 13 seemed to be a turning point, woke up with lots of energy! Got out of the house, went to lunch and shopping with a friend.It was great! today is day 14 and I still feel much, much better! Just got to keep myself moving! Don't be discouraged, the turn is coming soon, just hold on! You can do this! You ARE doing this! Enjoy your weekend with the hubby, make him take you somewhere! Heck, even have some of that sex you were talking about the other day! Haha! Just don't think about the pills, YOU'VE GOT THIS!!!!!
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Today isn't so bad. Been busy - haven't feel like exercising, but working around the house. Actually tolerable to be around, I think - of course, the HubHub is in a terrible mood. But he's allowed once in awhile.

Going to a party this evening, and it's a sober party. (What?! Do they have those?!) All sober friends - so that should be fun and safe, too.

All in all, optimistic. Of course, I'd love to be pill-popping. So, the craving is still there. But seeing some light.
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Woo Hoo. Almost made it through the whole weekend, and wasn't too bad!! Things are looking up again. Half an inkling of energy! Yahoo!
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I remember those feelings so well - that feeling at the end of each day knowing I had another day under my belt and it felt GREAT!!

:)
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....... .... .......... ..... ... .... O M G.

Is it... ... .... .... ..... ....... .....possible?

Could I.... ... ..... have had.... ..... .... and entire morning, noon, and most of an afternoon....

.... .... .... ... without craving, obsessing, and generally freaking out?

YES!!!!!!!!!

I would love to delude myself to believe this is how it will be from here on out, but I seriously doubt that. But, whatever, for today - it's been good!! And now, while I'm not obsessing, I'm starting to think about pills again..... but I think it's simply because it's my first downtime all day and I sat down for 10 minutes. I can't keep running all the time!!

So, I'm going to try and cool off inside for a few minutes, then maybe go for a swim, give the dogs a bath, and then make dinner. Then maybe a movie... .... ... and to bed. That's the plan!
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Awesome!! That's how I felt the 1st day I woke up & it was a "good" day for me!! It only motivated me :) There will be more!!! Keep it up :)
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Amazing how the universe works.

So, just got emergency calls from work. Due to a crisis, I will need to be overdrive, working 12-16 hour days and juggling 3 people's full-time jobs. Starting tomorrow.

ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I COULD HAVE DONE THIS 2 WEEKS AGO.

Under no delusion - it's going to be hard, but thank GOD I'm pill free. The stress is causing some temptation, but I'm so thankful I'm clear headed I'm not even considering my little white shiny friends.

WOW.
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Avatar_m_tn
HEY GIRL you go now so you got some shift changes thrown at you .....risk factor just went up
dont be looking for a pill to give you energy will trying to cover for the work of 3 your going to get tired it is expected whats not expected is a little white energy booster so watch your self or as Sara always say GUARD UP you made it this long last time it only takes something to trigger you off to use.....over time you will learn what those triggers are fro now trust me on this one im so proud of you making it past you last relapses .....shows you can do it now try not to stress about work addicts and stress dont mix well my conslor always says ....Mark there are no big deals......there cant be your sobriety relies on it he is right you know
just take it one day at a time you will get threw again CUDOS for making it to a new goal good luck and God bless.......Gnarly  
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Avatar_f_tn
Hear your grandbabies are wearing you out! :-)

Unfortunately, high-stress is the nature of my everyday job. So, this just makes it extra challenging.

So far, I'm making it but exhausted. The hours are killer, the job stress unrelenting, and no end in immediate site. NO trouble sleeping because I've been on my feet for 16 hours putting out fires and can't wait to fall into bed. Still thinking about how much easier this might be with a "friend"... but not giving in.
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1720423_tn?1390188668
Glad to see you post, been wondering how you were doing! Sometimes running all day is the best way to do it! Haha! Once things calm down, you'll be WAY over all this wd BS! keep it up, you're doing great!
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Avatar_m_tn
HI how you doing with the extra work ?? remember stress is the enemy if you over stress you will want to use.....and yes my grandbabys wore me out6 we had them from 8 til 7.30 a long day with a 2yr old and a 16mo old when they come here they expect to be played with the whole time and I love doing it but it is tiring but it helps out my daughter and we get to spend time with the dynamic duo as for you keep an close eye on your stress level this can be a HUGE TRIGGER .....I had to leave a good job because of it but it wasent worth my sobriety
I will find a new job hopefully soon I think I might just hang my electric tools back on its a lot less stresfull then sales but the money is not as good but its still a good living what to do what to do anyway take care of yourself this taking on the work of 3 has me worried about you please know your limits and dont exceed them your in dangerous water if you do.......Gnarly      
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1170113_tn?1309318006
Hi....sorry If I ask a question that has already been discussed...I'm a little short on time so I didn't read the  whole thread.....are you looking into or attending aftercare?
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi, Bad! Appreciate the question, and the answer is a resounding no. It's not that I don't agree with the concept, but due to the nature of my job (and the disciplinary action _I_ have had to take against nurses who were discovered as addicts, sometimes via "anonymous" meetings) I will not consider it.

I'm open to non-meeting, non-public-access idea.

As a general update - this week is exactly what I expected. Up by 4, at the office by 5:30, home around 7PM with 2-3 hours worth of work left to do before the next day, into bed before midnight, and up again the next day. It's going to be a solid 2 weeks of crazy, then it will relent to my normal nuts....

I know stress isn't the addict's friend, but neither is no job. To add to the mix, this economy and the changes in healthcare - I'm staying put and clawing to keep my job, just like everyone else. So it's a little bit of being stuck, but thankful I have a job to be stressed about.

I'll be honest, today I hit my limit and I'm in danger of using. Luckily or unluckily, I have another couple of hours of work tonight before I pass out and I have a very early morning - and no easy access to pills tonight. So hopefully, will make it to my day 14.
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Avatar_m_tn
HI stress itself is not so much the problem as is coping with it ......as addicts we have always relied on pills for that coping mechanism you need to learn to funnel the stress away in constitutive ways ....hard exersize is always good workout till you drop it really does help
prayer or meditation is a good way ......I had my burdens over to God to keep daily
the key here is to know your limits and operate on the principals of H.A.L.T ....Hungry Angry
lonely Tired when any one of those is bothering you your at risk.....repeate after me
'' I will do nothing to put myself at risk ''....this is your life where talking about and if you mess this up you very well be on the list of nurses that need addiction consoling congrats on 14 days put in to practice the stuff we tell you and you got a shot at making it out of this.....never forget your adversary is cunning baffling and powerful and you are powerless to it remember GUARD UP keep pushing forward there are lots of good books out on addiction I know your time is limited but an hr in a book a week will help you gain a uper hand on this and remember pills are not part of a reward system for hard work when the work is done and you want to relax it just cant be an option your doing great lets keep it that way im proud of you your making it one day at a time good luck and God bless.....Gnarly      
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1720423_tn?1390188668
Hey, girl! How you doing today?
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Avatar_m_tn
HI HOW goes it ....its never any good when we dont here from someone you still hanging in there you got a lot on your plat kinda the fire and ice test hope you make it.....Gnarly
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi, All. Thanks for your questions and checking in!

I'm doing GREAT! I actually feel like my old, pre-pill self! I know it may not last, but I'm taking it for what it is right now.

I've started to realize my pill abuse started months ago, almost a year now - at the same time my work life slowed down and I became bored overall. Prior to that, while I'm aware of my addictive tendencies, I had never abused a drug, alcohol, or anything. It's been an interesting, sad year to say the least.

So as much as I was dreading this crazy upswing of workload, it's been good. I thrive on chaos. I feel needed. It's helping that the physical w/d have abated. But my mind is starting to shift some. It's actually the first time in months that I don't wake up and go to sleep thinking about a pill.

So, doing well. Really well. Hope it lasts. You may hear less from me as I begin taking back my life. The long work days will continue, and I'm going to being training for a biathalon. I'm also getting rid of my cable. If I have any free time, it's going to be spent in training or with my family.

I will continue to check in, but less frequently unless I see some yellow flags.

I cannot tell you how helpful you all have been, and continue to be. Thank you so much.
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1720423_tn?1390188668
I'm glad to hear you're doing well. keep up the good work!
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi :).  I wanted to check in.  I am on day 4.  Ive been weaning.  Im down to about 5 mg oxys per day. I am dying to snap a pll in half and take it cause i cant sleep.  i took a .5 xanax like my doc thinks that does anything for me and just snapped another .5 in half and im hoping it will put me to sleep. the pain is going away. i just now feel it in my ankles but enough to keep me up.  this soooooooooooooo *****.  i am so really glad to hear that you are doing good.  Keep it up you know we cant wish this type of uncomfortability on our worst enemies.  should be done to terrible prisoners make them addicted to high doses of opiates and then stop them ct over and over again. what to do about my ankles?
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Avatar_f_tn
Congrats on day 4! I'm still clean and busy as hell with work. Crazy work demands but I.m xtepping up to all of them. Typing on my smart phone so not very good with the typing. Anyway. Still clean! Still having occassional thoughts about how I deserve to relax and taking just 1 won't hurt... resisting now. Now off to bed for a 4am get up and busy day. Hope all are well.
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Avatar_m_tn
HEY GIRL good to see you post.....dont like what im reading about taking a pill to relax THATS NOT AN OPTION and it is addictive thinking....remember I told you you would have to change the very way you think this is the kind of stuff im talking about the pills KILL lead to institutions and jails mabe not one but very few addicts can take just one and even if you get away with it it will mess with your head the failure and shame comes in DONT DO IT
we all get these feelings I even had them last week but it what we do with them that makes or breaks us your doing great your under a lot of stress and managing but I always watch for the red flags because a relapse starts days ahead of time when we start romancing the thought of using.......hang in there you can do this but dont treat your self to a pill cocktail
good luck and God bless......Gnarly  
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello, All!! Typing on my actual computer this time, so should be at least a little more eloquent!!

Hanging strong, nutso busy with work and new responsibilities. Stress if over the top, but too tired to do anything but get through it all and collapse into bed.

Yay me!
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1720423_tn?1390188668
Good girl! You're doing awesome! Really proud of you, keep it up!
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Avatar_f_tn
WHEW!

Almost made it through the work-craziest two weeks of my life. I'm looking forward to this weekend where I can take a breath. Of course, that also means I'm going to need to be hyper-vigilant and guard, guard, guard against temptation. But I'm thrilled to say I've made it so far!

I will check in again after the weekend, and sooner if I become concerned about a potential fall. Hope everyone is doing well!
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Avatar_f_tn
I just spent the past couple hours reading this entire thread. Congrats to you!! I'm so glad you haven't let ur addiction get the best of you! I'm a month clean tomorrow!! I feel fine. I now realize that I have always had the power to stop its all in ur mind. Looking at the dates, u should be done with ur 16hour days very soon!!

Honestly I wrote my own thread and have been so selfish in my recovery, tht I haven't taken the time to read thru others thread tht are going thru the exact same feelings n issues. I'll have to read thru these more often. Enjoy your weekend!!!! Take care and congrats on being clean. :)
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Avatar_m_tn
YOU DID great under stress now come idle time this is when your head can mess with you remember GUARD UP......your going to be fine just dont grow complacent get a good book on addiction and start to read it knowledge is a powerful tool hang in there and congrats on your clean time.......Gnarly
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Avatar_f_tn
Checking in sooner is now - 'cause I AM TEMPTED as heII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG. From nowhere: was doing fine, then BLAM! It's like being back on day 5 or 6 - all I can think about is how much less bored/irritable/tired I'd be if I just found a pills and popped them.  Holy crap!
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Avatar_m_tn
hang in there try to get your mind off the pills exorsize go for a walk I know its hot out but even around the block might help.....turn up ther music and go on a cleaning spree you need to get out of the idle mode here YOU CAN DO THIS just dont give in its times like this that they invented aftercare for......get that book and start reading!!!!...........Gnarly
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Avatar_f_tn
Resetting my ticker... you know what that means.

10 Vicodin sought out and taken last weekend.
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1370323_tn?1309997746
Aw well don't beat yourself up honey, we are all human, just dust your self off & do it for good this time! Now that you know how bad you feel for taking them, just remember that next time! It will help push you! It's not worth it. I still, 36 days in, am lacking energy, but I know the day will come when my normalcy is back. We didnt aquire this addiction in a few days, so it wont go away quickly, it takes patience. Keep your head up! Julie
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I WISH I *could* say they made me feel bad... but they didn't. It was wonderful. Energizing. All the good things that got me hooked in the 1st place.

Nevertheless, I want to be pill-free. The 10 were just enough to give me the good stuff without enough of the bad and the longer term issues... at least I realize that. Today is going on day 4 clean again - I was extremely lucky to only have about a day of mild detox symptoms. I'm restless and tired, but it's not overwhelming. And it's about to be my time of the month, so those symptoms are to be expected anyway. Heh, so maybe I don't have any detox symptoms at all.

Either way. I do want to be free of this disease. I figure I'm in for more cravings and I think I'll always WANT to be using. I need more of that patience you speak of Julie. :-)

It's funny in a not funny way. I expected myself to be mad-pill-craving when I had to put in all the extra hours and was insane at work. But it wasn't until the weekend and I had time to take a breath that I fell down. I guess I just really need to keep myself very, very busy. How exhausting. Especially when I don't have the desire or energy to begin with.

What a vicious cycle.

On top of the use, my other addictive behaviors are screaming for attention. I've gained and lost the same 30 pounds at least four times in the last year. I'm in the gain stage now and I can't seem to shut my mouth. I'm spending more than usual on lottery tickets. It's not out of control, but it's unusual. I used to be an exercise freak, but that's the one addictive behavior that ran out on me - I WISH I had the energy and desire to take that back up. I find myself buying things I don't need. Luckily, I can afford a few splurges - but it all seems like a pattern to me. It all says I'm not in control of myself. I'm sure most people feel the same way if they're like this, but I hate it. I'm a control-freak about most things, so it's an extremely uncomfortable realization.

Sorry for the ramble. I should be working. And I'm slacking off. That's something else that is unusual. I'm a workaholic that's lost her mo jo. What an awful, crazy, sad ride.
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1370323_tn?1309997746
Your so right! I have days where I lose my patience, and that's when I try to find something to make me happy (besides pills) or it will drive me insane. So you buying lottery tickets (I do too) eating more, etc. is all healthier than pills, just remember that! Like you said about the weekend, thats exactly what gnarly speaks of, to stay busy because idle minds will wander to those dark places! I can't wait to start classes again, school, studying, etc. so that will help me some! I want to go into my volunteer hours & clinicals clean as a whistle! I've postponed my volunteer hours until I have some energy, so I am trying to patiently wait for some, but it feels like its taking forever! So I keep repeating the word "patience" to myself, the constant reminder to myself helps some :)
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Avatar_m_tn
HEY GIRL ......so your going to learn the hard way.....I new you where in trouble when you posted on the 31st.......did you by a good book on addiction yet ?? you know phx has a good n/a meeting at night outside up at north mountain thay have a fire pit and everything plus it dark except under the pavilion but theres plenty of places you could sit and blend in with the scenery ...I know you not crazy about going but you just may have to come out of your comfort zone to get past all of this.......I only have know you for a month or so but your posts scream addict out loud you really need to treat this b/4 it bits you in the a s s
I agree with julie time to pick yourself up dust yourself off and move on it took guts to post this today so I know you got what it takes all I got to do is convince you.........Gnarly  
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495284_tn?1333897642
There is no happy ending with this addiction.  Those pills are giving you a false sense of security and will soon ruin everything you have.  I hope and pray you find your way out of this.  Using is only a symptom of what is going on with you.  Get the help you need.  You are worth it~~~sara
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks all. I knew I was in trouble on the 31st, too.

Gnarly: I've read lots of book on the topic. Have four right now that I'm reading on my Kindle. A local public local meeting is absolutely not going to happen while I'm in my current job and role. Not trying to dismiss the importance of one, but trying to be extremely honest and not pretend it might happen. Absolutely agree I'm an addict, no doubt about that.


Considering going to 1 on 1 counseling and paying out of pocket. I don't want that ICD-9 code of addict on my record. I know, I know, I know everyone wants to promote it's a disease and it's confidential - but I work in the field. And I organize nurses - and we DO find out this information and we DO use it in our decisions, whether or not we can disclose it.

A total job change is always an option, I suppose, but not one I'm willing to entertain right now. That could be an excuse and a mistake, but that's where I'm at.

Feeling fortunate that I'm not having heavy duty withdrawals from last weekend. Putting together an absolutely ridiculous schedule of events for this weekend to keep me running and busy - exhausted just thinking about it.

I hate this whole process. It's frustrating, exhausting, cyclical, and just plain blows.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey .....well keep reading the books there is more then one way to skin a cat .....it not that you cant get well its just going to be harder on you....one thing this forum has tought me is patience so will work with you the best we can ....on the postive side of things your smart
your willing to admit it a problem and know its going to require work to get past it.....look your a nurse you make good money take the money you wold be spending on pills and put it tords a substance abuse conslor....like you said do it privately it blows that you have to do it that way but I totally understand you not wanting to mess up you job records the money you spend will be the best investment you can make right now....the last thing you need is a random  u/a  and have pills show up.....I know how bad that would be it happened to another nurse that was a member they made it nearlly imposible for her to keep her license so you invest a grand in yourself in the long run you will come out ahead...keep reading on the forum you will learn a ton here ....post when your weak or craving we all want to see you make it....good luck and God bless.....Gnarly    
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Avatar_f_tn
A final thank you to all. And I really mean it - to each and every one of you. You have all provided me something I could learn from and that will make me get one step closer to beating this disease.

However, I'll be signing out now and requesting my account be deleted. I need to find other ways to begin coping.

On top of that, I just found out I'm being relocated by my job to another state, so needless to say, there are about a million things I've got to focus on. Staying clean to pass the drug tests is only one of the minor things. Oh yes, and this comes on a very tragic anniversary of death for someone extremely influential in my life. She wasn't my biological mother but she played the part. Brilliantly.

In my own special way, I love each of you. And I thank you. Part of me wants to commit to check in and continue here, but I think it's becoming more work than help. I used to look forward to logging in, reading, posting - but now I find it exhausting and like a chore. I'm also not feeling like I'm gaining as much as I used to - NOT because of the people (you are all wonderful), just overall. So it's time to get out from behind the computer and make it work. Don't know what that is going to look like.... but it'll be something.

For my last report: I'm free of narcotics and opiates since my lapse last weekend... so I'm somewhere around day 5. Had made it almost 27 days before that, and 20 before that. I have nothing in the house or stashed except for a prescription of Ambien which I'm using every night. My dr is aware and next visit I'll ask him about those... but for now, they're helping.

So. My very best to each of you. You make such a difference, you may not even know.
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