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I thought I'd made it
- and then I didn't. I relapsed today. I went through w/d and my at-home detox 6 days. And then 60 Vicodin fell into my lap. And I took 1. And hid the rest in the house.

How could I think this is a good idea? I had a terrible w/d experience when I went cold turkey, a milder but miserable w/d experience last week - I finally started to see the light and... I popped a pill today. REALLY?!

Does this EVER get easier? I don't want to be dependent. I don't want to be looking for my next fix. So how could I fall so fast?
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Page 9 of 9
1370323 tn?1309997746
Keep it up!! It will get better!! We can do this!! I'm excited about finishing up day 15 tonight :)
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1416133 tn?1351126817
That seems to be how recovery works (at least it did for me) - one or two bad days and then finally a GOOD day - and it was SUCH a relief.  So expect that as you continue to move forward and trust that those good days will follow - because they will.  :)
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1720423 tn?1390188668
Glad to hear you're feeling a little better. Every day its something new, huh? lol. Hopefully tomorrow is one of those 'good days' everyone keeps talking about! *fingers crossed* Your doing great! Just keep with it!
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Man alive: allergy season is here for me. Eyes are itchy and scratchy, throat is itchy, ears are itchy... just took some claritin and hope it will settle me down enough to let me rest. The wind kicked up a little today, and that usually sets me off.

Still feeling better overall, just overwhelmingly...... ...... ..... I don't know the exact word. It's not precisely sadness, or feelings of depression, or anger... or even loss. I just don't feel right. The best way I can put it into words is sort of listlessly dissatisfied. And bored. Can be in the middle of something, and I'm bored out of my mind.

So, hope the allergy meds will kick in and let me at least be comfortable.
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HEY GIRL  good to see you still hanging in there it could be allergy or it could be the tail end of your withdrawal sneezing is common and so are runnig eyes also our bodys get run down detoxing and many members coplain of colds setting in right after detox.....sorry to here the mind games have started you just get an overall dissatisfaction with life for a wile nothing seams right and nothing brings happiness this is a normal part of withdrawal for some just depends....I wish I new how to help you .....from reading your posts your dead set agenst aftercare all i can do is give you advise I will help you threw it with what I have learned right now its all about attitude try not to get discouraged you will get threw this but each day is going to bring new challenges this goes in stages your hitting the emotional stage...just hang in there this will pass but it can hang around a wile trun up the music and dance do something fun anything to get out of your own head keep posting good luck and God bless.......Gnarly    
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Thank you, all! I didn't log back in last night to read anything else, but it sure helped this morning to have something to read through as I get ready for my day.

I slept pretty well, I think, but still waking up tired and draggy. My mindset seems a little better again today. Unfortunately, my hubby is having a bad week himself, so is grouchy and stressed out . . . so that's not helping. Trying to be there to uplift and motivate him, while really just wanting to crawl back into bed and call in sick to work.

But I'm still here! And still pill-free!
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Wow. It's 11:37 AM and I could put my head down on my desk and be flat out asleep. I was just on a conference call, closed my eyes, and actually drowsed for a second before shaking myself awake. THIS is a symptom I wasn't expecting. I'm so f*#)()#ing tired.

Nighttime sleep seems fine. Mood is okay, a little improved. But each body part weighs 20 lbs and I'm struggling to pick up a pencil.

What gives?
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HEY Girl this is the energy crash I often speak of it can be debilitating but with pills it usually not that long mabe a week or so just depends......I wish I new a cure but time and God seme to be the only solution you just have to go threw it trust me it will go away it just trying to function wile its happening thats ruff some people swear by 5hr energy I drink whey protein shakes but give your body what it needs and you will respond hang in there your habit wasent that big your energy crash shouldent  be that long hang in there you will get threw this good luck and God bless......Gnarly
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I sure hope you're right. A week sounds VERY LONG! lol

I know exercise would help, but I don't think I can drag myself through a routine. I'm going to try and push myself through it tomorrow morning and see if that can get me over this thing faster. I don't know.

But anyway. At least if I can sleep through it all, I won't be at risk for popping a pill, eh?!
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HEY  you got to get your mind off the pills it worries me where going into a weekend and often thats a time where where use to using......your doing good with that so far but its your thinking that has me consirened  remember what I said b/4 as addicts we need to change the very way we think and reason to beat this disease your still not there yet but not to fret it takes a wile to get there just dont get lost in your own mind stay bizzy pray if you believe in God the main think is not to give in to temptation it can be overwhelming at times but if you put one foot in frount of the other and just walk down the narrow path you can do this
learn form your mistakes you have made it this far b/4 its time to hunker down and push past.....I know you got it in you....YOU CAN DO THIS .....keep posting whe all want to see you succeed good luck and God bless.......Gnarly  
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Thanks. I'm hanging in there. Tonight sleep isn't coming easily, but hopeful that I'll get to sleep before midnight.

The weekend should be okay for me. Have a pretty full agenda, actually, and hubby is home and I'm determined to walk the straight and narrow. No more foggy Saturdays.

I would love if the fatigue would letup some... SLEEP would help if it would come!

Thanks again, and I'll be sure to check in.
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Oh oh oh! And tonight at 7pm was officially the start of my Day 10!!!!!

Which.... was when I fell off the wagon last time and relapsed. Here's hoping I clear Day 10 and make it through to Day 11 without any major pitfalls!
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495284 tn?1333897642
You will clear day 10.  Think positive!!!!  You are in control, not your addiction.  Once you get some much needed sleep you will feel better.  It's coming so just hold on~~sara
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1720423 tn?1390188668
Girl, you're doing great! You and I had about the same size habit for about the same length of time. I know how you're feeling. Day 12 was AWFUL for me! Exhausted, no energy, no motivation! Kind of like the first couple months of pregnancy where you're just drained w/occasional bouts of nausea,ugh! but day 13 seemed to be a turning point, woke up with lots of energy! Got out of the house, went to lunch and shopping with a friend.It was great! today is day 14 and I still feel much, much better! Just got to keep myself moving! Don't be discouraged, the turn is coming soon, just hold on! You can do this! You ARE doing this! Enjoy your weekend with the hubby, make him take you somewhere! Heck, even have some of that sex you were talking about the other day! Haha! Just don't think about the pills, YOU'VE GOT THIS!!!!!
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Today isn't so bad. Been busy - haven't feel like exercising, but working around the house. Actually tolerable to be around, I think - of course, the HubHub is in a terrible mood. But he's allowed once in awhile.

Going to a party this evening, and it's a sober party. (What?! Do they have those?!) All sober friends - so that should be fun and safe, too.

All in all, optimistic. Of course, I'd love to be pill-popping. So, the craving is still there. But seeing some light.
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Woo Hoo. Almost made it through the whole weekend, and wasn't too bad!! Things are looking up again. Half an inkling of energy! Yahoo!
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1416133 tn?1351126817
I remember those feelings so well - that feeling at the end of each day knowing I had another day under my belt and it felt GREAT!!

:)
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....... .... .......... ..... ... .... O M G.

Is it... ... .... .... ..... ....... .....possible?

Could I.... ... ..... have had.... ..... .... and entire morning, noon, and most of an afternoon....

.... .... .... ... without craving, obsessing, and generally freaking out?

YES!!!!!!!!!

I would love to delude myself to believe this is how it will be from here on out, but I seriously doubt that. But, whatever, for today - it's been good!! And now, while I'm not obsessing, I'm starting to think about pills again..... but I think it's simply because it's my first downtime all day and I sat down for 10 minutes. I can't keep running all the time!!

So, I'm going to try and cool off inside for a few minutes, then maybe go for a swim, give the dogs a bath, and then make dinner. Then maybe a movie... .... ... and to bed. That's the plan!
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1370323 tn?1309997746
Awesome!! That's how I felt the 1st day I woke up & it was a "good" day for me!! It only motivated me :) There will be more!!! Keep it up :)
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Amazing how the universe works.

So, just got emergency calls from work. Due to a crisis, I will need to be overdrive, working 12-16 hour days and juggling 3 people's full-time jobs. Starting tomorrow.

ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I COULD HAVE DONE THIS 2 WEEKS AGO.

Under no delusion - it's going to be hard, but thank GOD I'm pill free. The stress is causing some temptation, but I'm so thankful I'm clear headed I'm not even considering my little white shiny friends.

WOW.
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HEY GIRL you go now so you got some shift changes thrown at you .....risk factor just went up
dont be looking for a pill to give you energy will trying to cover for the work of 3 your going to get tired it is expected whats not expected is a little white energy booster so watch your self or as Sara always say GUARD UP you made it this long last time it only takes something to trigger you off to use.....over time you will learn what those triggers are fro now trust me on this one im so proud of you making it past you last relapses .....shows you can do it now try not to stress about work addicts and stress dont mix well my conslor always says ....Mark there are no big deals......there cant be your sobriety relies on it he is right you know
just take it one day at a time you will get threw again CUDOS for making it to a new goal good luck and God bless.......Gnarly  
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Hear your grandbabies are wearing you out! :-)

Unfortunately, high-stress is the nature of my everyday job. So, this just makes it extra challenging.

So far, I'm making it but exhausted. The hours are killer, the job stress unrelenting, and no end in immediate site. NO trouble sleeping because I've been on my feet for 16 hours putting out fires and can't wait to fall into bed. Still thinking about how much easier this might be with a "friend"... but not giving in.
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1720423 tn?1390188668
Glad to see you post, been wondering how you were doing! Sometimes running all day is the best way to do it! Haha! Once things calm down, you'll be WAY over all this wd BS! keep it up, you're doing great!
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HI how you doing with the extra work ?? remember stress is the enemy if you over stress you will want to use.....and yes my grandbabys wore me out6 we had them from 8 til 7.30 a long day with a 2yr old and a 16mo old when they come here they expect to be played with the whole time and I love doing it but it is tiring but it helps out my daughter and we get to spend time with the dynamic duo as for you keep an close eye on your stress level this can be a HUGE TRIGGER .....I had to leave a good job because of it but it wasent worth my sobriety
I will find a new job hopefully soon I think I might just hang my electric tools back on its a lot less stresfull then sales but the money is not as good but its still a good living what to do what to do anyway take care of yourself this taking on the work of 3 has me worried about you please know your limits and dont exceed them your in dangerous water if you do.......Gnarly      
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1170113 tn?1309318006
Hi....sorry If I ask a question that has already been discussed...I'm a little short on time so I didn't read the  whole thread.....are you looking into or attending aftercare?
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Hi, Bad! Appreciate the question, and the answer is a resounding no. It's not that I don't agree with the concept, but due to the nature of my job (and the disciplinary action _I_ have had to take against nurses who were discovered as addicts, sometimes via "anonymous" meetings) I will not consider it.

I'm open to non-meeting, non-public-access idea.

As a general update - this week is exactly what I expected. Up by 4, at the office by 5:30, home around 7PM with 2-3 hours worth of work left to do before the next day, into bed before midnight, and up again the next day. It's going to be a solid 2 weeks of crazy, then it will relent to my normal nuts....

I know stress isn't the addict's friend, but neither is no job. To add to the mix, this economy and the changes in healthcare - I'm staying put and clawing to keep my job, just like everyone else. So it's a little bit of being stuck, but thankful I have a job to be stressed about.

I'll be honest, today I hit my limit and I'm in danger of using. Luckily or unluckily, I have another couple of hours of work tonight before I pass out and I have a very early morning - and no easy access to pills tonight. So hopefully, will make it to my day 14.
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HI stress itself is not so much the problem as is coping with it ......as addicts we have always relied on pills for that coping mechanism you need to learn to funnel the stress away in constitutive ways ....hard exersize is always good workout till you drop it really does help
prayer or meditation is a good way ......I had my burdens over to God to keep daily
the key here is to know your limits and operate on the principals of H.A.L.T ....Hungry Angry
lonely Tired when any one of those is bothering you your at risk.....repeate after me
'' I will do nothing to put myself at risk ''....this is your life where talking about and if you mess this up you very well be on the list of nurses that need addiction consoling congrats on 14 days put in to practice the stuff we tell you and you got a shot at making it out of this.....never forget your adversary is cunning baffling and powerful and you are powerless to it remember GUARD UP keep pushing forward there are lots of good books out on addiction I know your time is limited but an hr in a book a week will help you gain a uper hand on this and remember pills are not part of a reward system for hard work when the work is done and you want to relax it just cant be an option your doing great lets keep it that way im proud of you your making it one day at a time good luck and God bless.....Gnarly      
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1720423 tn?1390188668
Hey, girl! How you doing today?
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HI HOW goes it ....its never any good when we dont here from someone you still hanging in there you got a lot on your plat kinda the fire and ice test hope you make it.....Gnarly
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Hi, All. Thanks for your questions and checking in!

I'm doing GREAT! I actually feel like my old, pre-pill self! I know it may not last, but I'm taking it for what it is right now.

I've started to realize my pill abuse started months ago, almost a year now - at the same time my work life slowed down and I became bored overall. Prior to that, while I'm aware of my addictive tendencies, I had never abused a drug, alcohol, or anything. It's been an interesting, sad year to say the least.

So as much as I was dreading this crazy upswing of workload, it's been good. I thrive on chaos. I feel needed. It's helping that the physical w/d have abated. But my mind is starting to shift some. It's actually the first time in months that I don't wake up and go to sleep thinking about a pill.

So, doing well. Really well. Hope it lasts. You may hear less from me as I begin taking back my life. The long work days will continue, and I'm going to being training for a biathalon. I'm also getting rid of my cable. If I have any free time, it's going to be spent in training or with my family.

I will continue to check in, but less frequently unless I see some yellow flags.

I cannot tell you how helpful you all have been, and continue to be. Thank you so much.
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1720423 tn?1390188668
I'm glad to hear you're doing well. keep up the good work!
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Hi :).  I wanted to check in.  I am on day 4.  Ive been weaning.  Im down to about 5 mg oxys per day. I am dying to snap a pll in half and take it cause i cant sleep.  i took a .5 xanax like my doc thinks that does anything for me and just snapped another .5 in half and im hoping it will put me to sleep. the pain is going away. i just now feel it in my ankles but enough to keep me up.  this soooooooooooooo *****.  i am so really glad to hear that you are doing good.  Keep it up you know we cant wish this type of uncomfortability on our worst enemies.  should be done to terrible prisoners make them addicted to high doses of opiates and then stop them ct over and over again. what to do about my ankles?
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Congrats on day 4! I'm still clean and busy as hell with work. Crazy work demands but I.m xtepping up to all of them. Typing on my smart phone so not very good with the typing. Anyway. Still clean! Still having occassional thoughts about how I deserve to relax and taking just 1 won't hurt... resisting now. Now off to bed for a 4am get up and busy day. Hope all are well.
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HEY GIRL good to see you post.....dont like what im reading about taking a pill to relax THATS NOT AN OPTION and it is addictive thinking....remember I told you you would have to change the very way you think this is the kind of stuff im talking about the pills KILL lead to institutions and jails mabe not one but very few addicts can take just one and even if you get away with it it will mess with your head the failure and shame comes in DONT DO IT
we all get these feelings I even had them last week but it what we do with them that makes or breaks us your doing great your under a lot of stress and managing but I always watch for the red flags because a relapse starts days ahead of time when we start romancing the thought of using.......hang in there you can do this but dont treat your self to a pill cocktail
good luck and God bless......Gnarly  
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Hello, All!! Typing on my actual computer this time, so should be at least a little more eloquent!!

Hanging strong, nutso busy with work and new responsibilities. Stress if over the top, but too tired to do anything but get through it all and collapse into bed.

Yay me!
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1720423 tn?1390188668
Good girl! You're doing awesome! Really proud of you, keep it up!
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WHEW!

Almost made it through the work-craziest two weeks of my life. I'm looking forward to this weekend where I can take a breath. Of course, that also means I'm going to need to be hyper-vigilant and guard, guard, guard against temptation. But I'm thrilled to say I've made it so far!

I will check in again after the weekend, and sooner if I become concerned about a potential fall. Hope everyone is doing well!
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I just spent the past couple hours reading this entire thread. Congrats to you!! I'm so glad you haven't let ur addiction get the best of you! I'm a month clean tomorrow!! I feel fine. I now realize that I have always had the power to stop its all in ur mind. Looking at the dates, u should be done with ur 16hour days very soon!!

Honestly I wrote my own thread and have been so selfish in my recovery, tht I haven't taken the time to read thru others thread tht are going thru the exact same feelings n issues. I'll have to read thru these more often. Enjoy your weekend!!!! Take care and congrats on being clean. :)
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YOU DID great under stress now come idle time this is when your head can mess with you remember GUARD UP......your going to be fine just dont grow complacent get a good book on addiction and start to read it knowledge is a powerful tool hang in there and congrats on your clean time.......Gnarly
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Checking in sooner is now - 'cause I AM TEMPTED as heII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG. From nowhere: was doing fine, then BLAM! It's like being back on day 5 or 6 - all I can think about is how much less bored/irritable/tired I'd be if I just found a pills and popped them.  Holy crap!
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hang in there try to get your mind off the pills exorsize go for a walk I know its hot out but even around the block might help.....turn up ther music and go on a cleaning spree you need to get out of the idle mode here YOU CAN DO THIS just dont give in its times like this that they invented aftercare for......get that book and start reading!!!!...........Gnarly
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Resetting my ticker... you know what that means.

10 Vicodin sought out and taken last weekend.
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1370323 tn?1309997746
Aw well don't beat yourself up honey, we are all human, just dust your self off & do it for good this time! Now that you know how bad you feel for taking them, just remember that next time! It will help push you! It's not worth it. I still, 36 days in, am lacking energy, but I know the day will come when my normalcy is back. We didnt aquire this addiction in a few days, so it wont go away quickly, it takes patience. Keep your head up! Julie
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Thanks for the words of encouragement. I WISH I *could* say they made me feel bad... but they didn't. It was wonderful. Energizing. All the good things that got me hooked in the 1st place.

Nevertheless, I want to be pill-free. The 10 were just enough to give me the good stuff without enough of the bad and the longer term issues... at least I realize that. Today is going on day 4 clean again - I was extremely lucky to only have about a day of mild detox symptoms. I'm restless and tired, but it's not overwhelming. And it's about to be my time of the month, so those symptoms are to be expected anyway. Heh, so maybe I don't have any detox symptoms at all.

Either way. I do want to be free of this disease. I figure I'm in for more cravings and I think I'll always WANT to be using. I need more of that patience you speak of Julie. :-)

It's funny in a not funny way. I expected myself to be mad-pill-craving when I had to put in all the extra hours and was insane at work. But it wasn't until the weekend and I had time to take a breath that I fell down. I guess I just really need to keep myself very, very busy. How exhausting. Especially when I don't have the desire or energy to begin with.

What a vicious cycle.

On top of the use, my other addictive behaviors are screaming for attention. I've gained and lost the same 30 pounds at least four times in the last year. I'm in the gain stage now and I can't seem to shut my mouth. I'm spending more than usual on lottery tickets. It's not out of control, but it's unusual. I used to be an exercise freak, but that's the one addictive behavior that ran out on me - I WISH I had the energy and desire to take that back up. I find myself buying things I don't need. Luckily, I can afford a few splurges - but it all seems like a pattern to me. It all says I'm not in control of myself. I'm sure most people feel the same way if they're like this, but I hate it. I'm a control-freak about most things, so it's an extremely uncomfortable realization.

Sorry for the ramble. I should be working. And I'm slacking off. That's something else that is unusual. I'm a workaholic that's lost her mo jo. What an awful, crazy, sad ride.
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1370323 tn?1309997746
Your so right! I have days where I lose my patience, and that's when I try to find something to make me happy (besides pills) or it will drive me insane. So you buying lottery tickets (I do too) eating more, etc. is all healthier than pills, just remember that! Like you said about the weekend, thats exactly what gnarly speaks of, to stay busy because idle minds will wander to those dark places! I can't wait to start classes again, school, studying, etc. so that will help me some! I want to go into my volunteer hours & clinicals clean as a whistle! I've postponed my volunteer hours until I have some energy, so I am trying to patiently wait for some, but it feels like its taking forever! So I keep repeating the word "patience" to myself, the constant reminder to myself helps some :)
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HEY GIRL ......so your going to learn the hard way.....I new you where in trouble when you posted on the 31st.......did you by a good book on addiction yet ?? you know phx has a good n/a meeting at night outside up at north mountain thay have a fire pit and everything plus it dark except under the pavilion but theres plenty of places you could sit and blend in with the scenery ...I know you not crazy about going but you just may have to come out of your comfort zone to get past all of this.......I only have know you for a month or so but your posts scream addict out loud you really need to treat this b/4 it bits you in the a s s
I agree with julie time to pick yourself up dust yourself off and move on it took guts to post this today so I know you got what it takes all I got to do is convince you.........Gnarly  
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495284 tn?1333897642
There is no happy ending with this addiction.  Those pills are giving you a false sense of security and will soon ruin everything you have.  I hope and pray you find your way out of this.  Using is only a symptom of what is going on with you.  Get the help you need.  You are worth it~~~sara
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Thanks all. I knew I was in trouble on the 31st, too.

Gnarly: I've read lots of book on the topic. Have four right now that I'm reading on my Kindle. A local public local meeting is absolutely not going to happen while I'm in my current job and role. Not trying to dismiss the importance of one, but trying to be extremely honest and not pretend it might happen. Absolutely agree I'm an addict, no doubt about that.


Considering going to 1 on 1 counseling and paying out of pocket. I don't want that ICD-9 code of addict on my record. I know, I know, I know everyone wants to promote it's a disease and it's confidential - but I work in the field. And I organize nurses - and we DO find out this information and we DO use it in our decisions, whether or not we can disclose it.

A total job change is always an option, I suppose, but not one I'm willing to entertain right now. That could be an excuse and a mistake, but that's where I'm at.

Feeling fortunate that I'm not having heavy duty withdrawals from last weekend. Putting together an absolutely ridiculous schedule of events for this weekend to keep me running and busy - exhausted just thinking about it.

I hate this whole process. It's frustrating, exhausting, cyclical, and just plain blows.
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Hey .....well keep reading the books there is more then one way to skin a cat .....it not that you cant get well its just going to be harder on you....one thing this forum has tought me is patience so will work with you the best we can ....on the postive side of things your smart
your willing to admit it a problem and know its going to require work to get past it.....look your a nurse you make good money take the money you wold be spending on pills and put it tords a substance abuse conslor....like you said do it privately it blows that you have to do it that way but I totally understand you not wanting to mess up you job records the money you spend will be the best investment you can make right now....the last thing you need is a random  u/a  and have pills show up.....I know how bad that would be it happened to another nurse that was a member they made it nearlly imposible for her to keep her license so you invest a grand in yourself in the long run you will come out ahead...keep reading on the forum you will learn a ton here ....post when your weak or craving we all want to see you make it....good luck and God bless.....Gnarly    
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A final thank you to all. And I really mean it - to each and every one of you. You have all provided me something I could learn from and that will make me get one step closer to beating this disease.

However, I'll be signing out now and requesting my account be deleted. I need to find other ways to begin coping.

On top of that, I just found out I'm being relocated by my job to another state, so needless to say, there are about a million things I've got to focus on. Staying clean to pass the drug tests is only one of the minor things. Oh yes, and this comes on a very tragic anniversary of death for someone extremely influential in my life. She wasn't my biological mother but she played the part. Brilliantly.

In my own special way, I love each of you. And I thank you. Part of me wants to commit to check in and continue here, but I think it's becoming more work than help. I used to look forward to logging in, reading, posting - but now I find it exhausting and like a chore. I'm also not feeling like I'm gaining as much as I used to - NOT because of the people (you are all wonderful), just overall. So it's time to get out from behind the computer and make it work. Don't know what that is going to look like.... but it'll be something.

For my last report: I'm free of narcotics and opiates since my lapse last weekend... so I'm somewhere around day 5. Had made it almost 27 days before that, and 20 before that. I have nothing in the house or stashed except for a prescription of Ambien which I'm using every night. My dr is aware and next visit I'll ask him about those... but for now, they're helping.

So. My very best to each of you. You make such a difference, you may not even know.
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