I thought I'd made it

[new2thisAZ]

- and then I didn't. I relapsed today. I went through w/d and my at-home detox 6 days. And then 60 Vicodin fell into my lap. And I took 1. And hid the rest in the house.

How could I think this is a good idea? I had a terrible w/d experience when I went cold turkey, a milder but miserable w/d experience last week - I finally started to see the light and... I popped a pill today. REALLY?!

Does this EVER get easier? I don't want to be dependent. I don't want to be looking for my next fix. So how could I fall so fast?

[0421]

because we are addicts that is why, but please get rid of the other pills, the one you took won't set you back but if you take more it sure will. We are addicts and can't handle one. I am not sure who says this on this site but it goes something like this: one is to many and a thousand is not enough. I hope I didn't butcher that one buy you get the idea. We just can't take just one, so get rid of the pills you hid and stay on course and I wish you good luck and prayers to you

[gnarly_1]

HI I agree with 0421 get rid of the pills they will only call your name and the guilt and shame you feel is enough to drive you to say f/it and do a handful FLUSH THEM NOW.....addiction is cunning baffling and powerful it will take you places you dont want to go 1 pill physically will do little more then mess up your brain chemistry ....your brain in on the hunt for endorphins again ....with that comes cravings and the pills are back on your mind again.....best to just pick yourself up dust yourself off and start over at least now you cought it b/4 you ate the whole bottle so you dont have to face down withdrawals.....its moments like this that we push aftercare so hard it ez to slip especially in the beginning look up N/A mettings in your area you can google it go out of your comfort zone and go to one you dont have to say a word just sit and listen it will help you threw stuff like this as adicts we need to change the very way we think and reason....our best thinking got us here....good luck and God bless.......Gnarly    

[thisisreallygettingold]

Wow, they are so right, one is not the problem, we are. It will empower you to flush them, I know its hard to do. Been there, done that. It will give you strength, and like you said the wd is horrible, you don't want to do that again

[sickofpillsandpain]

get rid of them! it will bug you and bug you if they are there you will probably end up rationalizing a way to take some of them and then on and on and before you know it you will be in the same boat you were in! please dont go backwards! keep going forward! hate the pills hate them and get rid of them! i hope you check in soon so we know how you are doing. i am new to this site and just sitting here reading posts like your story the other night gave me the courage to get my story out and at least think seriously about kicking this crap. so thank you for that... please dont go! =]

[new2thisAZ]

Thank you, All, for your comments and encouragement. I will be honest - I haven't flushed them yet. In fact, I've taken 2 more - - - chasing that feeling that I know won't come without a fistful. I'm planning to go to bed tonight, get a good night sleep... and plan to flush the entire bottle first thing in the morning.

I should do it now. I realize. But I just can't make myself... The pull is too strong. I'm concerned I won't be able to tomorrow, either, but I'm going to try and focus on all the negatives and just DO IT first thing.

I actually feel nauseated... GOOD. I'm draggy and sleepy.... GREAT. There is very little enjoyable about how I feel. I don't feel guilty - I realize this is a disease. But I don't feel empowered either.

So. Tomorrow. Immediately after my husband leaves (he has no idea, and while I think it would be great if I could tell him - I'm not ready to do that yet). Flush. Before work.

[newchapter523]

Hi AZ

Sorry about your slip up. Best to put your best foot forward and start again. I find myself better prepared for journies in life if I take them in pieces. It's the finality of it all that's tough, so you made it 6 days so you can know you can do that...Do it again. Please DUMP those pills it is just to tempting and I don't think anyone could quit with those pills laying around.
Tell yourself I'm going to go it alone ONE more time and if I slip I NEED to tell my husband. He is your partner in life and probably will suprise you. For better or worse right.
Think about this.  Telling my Wife was the best/worst decision I ever made.
Best because I knew she would give me the strength and support I needed to quit
Worst because I knew it was the beginning of the end of my little hide away. I had someone to be accountable for (god knows I wasn't to myself)  and had to face my addiction and let go.
Maybe some rings true??? I hope the best for you and buck up and get right back on the horse!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!

[strongheart237]

I understand what you are going through. I  just started to detox yesterday. At 2pm today it will be 48 hrs since I have taken my last hydrocodone, but it still does not feel easier. I fear I will never be myself again and it scares me. I used to be such an active peron and hydrocodone completely crippled me. It started for my back pain, moved to mental enjoyment and temporary heightenment. It just started lasting less and less until I needed a higher dose to maintain the same feeling. It just grabbed a hold of me so fast when I was not looking. Addiction runs into my family, so i have always stayed away from drugs, limited my alcohol intake. I even quit smoking ciggerates 10 years ago. I thought I had it all under control until recently. I never had that thought in the back of my mind that these could take hold of me like alcohol or a street drug. I got it from a doctor, it took away my pain. I trusted that Doctor and never though anything about it until i started feeling sick and really sad when I did not have a pill left to take. I decided to do this on my own at home only telling my husband and best friend. I feel like I did this on my own and I should fix it on my own, but it is so hard. I feel like an awefull person and i just want to get this out of my life once and for all. I wonder if I will be myself again or someone else from the damage these pills have caused me. Does anyone know if Hydrocodone causes permanent damage? Thanks for any thoughts or answers.

[saddy6]

So much truth to what 0421 said - we are addicts and that is why we do such stupid things. For the past few years I've continue to bargain with myself saying I would only take the next round on the weekends and yet would still just plow through them in a matter for a few days until they were gone and I was left staring down the WD's right in the face once again. I mean seriously most of us probably consider ourselves pretty intelligent people and are just that with the exception of when it comes to these pills. If you give me 60 I'll tear through all 60 straight and I have now accepted that for a fact.

[new2thisAZ]

Well, it happened exactly as everyone said. I used up the whole bottle. And now detox and w/d starts - last dose was today. So frustrating that I find myself here. Again.

But I'm optimistic (probably because I still have some in my system). I think this time might be IT. I've got a good plan. I'm working to burn all my bridges for more access.

I'm still scared to death. And I'm not looking forward to another weekend of awful w/d... but it's kind of like penance, I guess.

As for vics or perc causing permanent damage - the hydrocodone, I don't believe, does. If you've taken more than the ceiling dose of the tylenol in it, it CAN affect your liver. The limit is 4 Grams in 24 hours. If you have a doc and get regular lab tests for a physical, it should pick up if there are any problems.

So, here we go. I'll check back often - it's so helpful to read what each of you has to say and for the encouragement. I appreciate all of you.

[Bad_Obsession]

Hi.  Welcome back.  I hate to say this, but I knew you werent going to flush them when you said you would do it in the morning.  But hey....thats alright.  Chalk it up as a lesson, learn from it, and do whatever it takes to make sure it doesnt happen again!  Have you given any thought to aftercare?  After the initial WD, when your body starts feeling better, is when relapse is most probable....this is the time you should be checking out an NA group.  Seriously...it helps me so much....and the chances of staying clean go way up when someone is in some sort of aftercare.  Good  luck to you!  And you can do this!  Just change the plan a little....cuz the last one didnt work that great.  God bless!

[gnarly_1]

HEY Neighbor got to love this 108 degree heat.....I had a hunch that bottle was going to call your name......it would mine and I ant picked up in 612 days but I know my weakness and having access to pills is a HUGE trigger for me that and back pain are my worst 2 my wife has a torn rotor cuff and is taking hydros for it....we have a clear understanding that those pills stay out of site out of mind........this hurt you mentally more then physically you may go threw some minor withdrawals and the no sleep thing again but for now pick yourself up dust yourself off and realize we dont have control over the pills.....addiction is cunning  baffling and powerful you need to respect it .....know your enemy...and aftercare is a must N/A is good I know your a nurse and that kinda puts you in a comprmising position mabe a n/a meeting out of town would be best we just had a nurse go threw here got cought up with the mess at work and now her life is a living hell your need to treat the deasese to get well it might be a bit in convent but the results will be so so worth it hang in there dont read anything into youtr detox I expect it will be mild and do like me STAY AWAY FROM THE PILLS at all cost ....you can do this but not alone good luck and God bless......Gnarly    

[dominosarah]

Are you going to add any aftercare into the picture?

[new2thisAZ]

I think aftercare is a great idea, but I'm terrified to go. I realize everything is supposed to be confidential, but I'm an RN and I cannot afford to be seen by colleagues, patients, or the nursing board. This might be just an excuse, but that just isn't something I'm comfortable with.

I have found 2 sites online that you can do anonymous meetings - considering that. But the chat-room based 1 I did try was *awful*.... so not sure.

Hanging in there - w/d *****. It's more mild than before, but the sleeplessness it the killer.

[IBKleen]

Hi, I am glad you found your way back here and talked about your relapse.

I also think aftercare is the way to go. that being said, I don't think online meetings will be all that helpful. If you decide that an outside support group is the way to go, then you will want to do that in person. The idea of going to NA is to become part of the fellowship and working the program. Becoming part of the group gives you the opportunity to meet new people who are working toward recovery. There you will (can) make new friends and it will give you something to look forward to and keep you accountable.

I have provided a link to NA meetings that can be found by using your zip code. If you feel more comfortable, choose a meeting that is not directly in your town.

I wish you the best. Let us know how you are.

[new2thisAZ]

Well. Back on Day 1 of detoxing. Last dose was yesterday at 2pm - so in exactly 4 hours and 1 minute, it will be 24 hours. But who's counting, right?

Day 1 is usually pretty okay for me - it's all mental. I think there is enough drug still in the system to not have the w/d feelings. I am hopeful that perhaps because I didn't sustain use again and pretty much downed all 60 in a number of days... mmmmmmaybe I won't have full blown w/d again. But maybe I'm deluding myself.

The good news (I think), is that it's ramping up to "that time of the month" for me anyway. So I'm typically fatigued and irritable with bouts of insomnia for about a week each month. If last time is any indication, days 2-4 are pretty miserable, but late in day 4 and day 5, the crawlies go away. I'm also armed with ambien this time for sleep if it gets too bad this week.

I've been eating very healthy and taking my vitamins in anticipation of the day I was at 0 pills. So now it's here. Again.

To be honest, I'm not very optimistic. However, I really am dedicated to turning this around this time and fighting against a relapse. One... hour... at... a ... time.

[NikkiB78]

i'm confused?  20 hours ago you posted in withdrawal?  did u just take that one at 2pm yesterday?

[new2thisAZ]

Actually - 20 hours ago I took 2 5 mg Vicodin.

I was out with a friend who had them. And I completely caved.

[NikkiB78]

gotcha.  know the feeling.  well.....we're on day 1 together :)

[new2thisAZ]

It really *****. I don't blame anyone but myself. But I just can't get over how these pills are everywhere! Two years ago - I had NO IDEA narcotics were everywhere.

I also can't get over how completely my wall of strength crumbles as soon as I hear the little jingle of pills in a bottle. It doesn't matter what bottle - it can be vitamins and I look at them and think: hmmm.... they look a little like my friend Vic. Ooh. That sounds great. Where can I get one?!

Every time I am in the middle of detox, I'm miserable and swear I'll never put myself in this situation again. And then I do.

Hopefully this time will be it. I really am hoping I might skate by with a little less w/d or craziness.

Good luck to you! What are you on day 1 from?

[NikkiB78]

i hear ya.  i find myself looking at people out and about who seem happy and think to myself "re they on pain pills?  no one can be happy without pain pills?"  LOL  so i feel ya.

i just blew thru 120 norco in 11 days.  i attempted c/t a few weeks ago from roxys and failed at turning down a rx for the norcos at my pain mgt doc.  u can read my thread if ya want :)  better detail.  so here i am again.  i started wellbutrin though the first day along with the norco and idk...maybe too good to be true....but doesnt seem as bad this time.  i have known for along time prior to pills....that i need an a/d cuz that was my reason for abusing.  ssri's make me fat and tired, so i fugured give wellbutrin a try.  hopefully it has kicked in and is helping with the withdrawls too...considering alot of them are mental.  or it could be placebo!  who knows!

i dont feel like getting off the couch.  just feel lazy....but not like i wanna die like last time.  do u thikn you will go into full blown w/d from taking 2 500's??

[new2thisAZ]

I don't think so.

During my last attempt, I had tapered down - had about 10 days clean, then slipped up and took 7.5 mg. The next day I had a little crawly-feeling, didn't sleep well that night, and was restless - but that was about it.

Since I took 10 mg this time... and I'd only had a handful of days clean after binging on 60 of them... I am more concerned that it may be a little worse.... but I don't imagine it will be as bad as the 1st time.

But - I honestly don't know. I'm so in control of other aspects of my life, and I'm the go-to person for information for my family and friends.... But when it comes to this addiction stuff, I'm more often wrong than right.

[new2thisAZ]

Crum.

So I'm sitting here, still 2 hours away from 1 day clean - and I'M DYING FOR A PILL. I'm working - so distraction isn't much of an option right now. And I'm just.... craving like crazy.

[gnarly_1]

HI GOT 114 out there today hope your staying cool .....addiction is a tricky thing it is cunning baffiling and porerful and as soon as you think you have it under control its got you....you need to first realize your powerless to it then surrender to it and get the help you need you should have good health ins at work the hippa laws prevent them from relesing info to your employer althougyh I  would choose a conslor off campus so no one sees you going in and out of the ofice your health ins should cover out pacent therapy check into it if not you can always come to phx for a N/A meeting its 45 min from where you live but as addicts we need to change the very way we think and reason to overcome our addictions and you wont do it alone I wish you alll the best in yuor recovery but become pro/active in it and you can live a beautiful life.....we could use another nurse on the forum........Gnarly    

[new2thisAZ]

Again, I appreciate you all.

I don't think I'm quite ready for this site - I was only 22 hours out and I went in search of more pills. I got a total of 14 5 mg vics. I've split them up into 1/4 tablets and going to try and taper again - that was when I was most successful. The plan is 1 total pill a day, in 4 doses - for 7 days, then to decrease by 1/4 pill every three days until they are gone.

Disappointed in myself.