IMPAIRED HEALTH PROFESSIONALS?

[sissy101]

This is my story.  Yes, I can say I'm addicted to opiates, but the strange thing is that it's just when I work.  When I'm not at work, I really have no desire!  I don't "drug seek" aka going to MD's for prescriptions, etc.  I don't go through withdrawals, I guess you could say its "recreational" use.  However, this is my livlihood so of course its a dangerous situation.  I have not gone to NA or anything, I was just wondering if anyone here had an opinion as to why this is with me.  There have been times when I have not worked for months and months and still I didn't "drug seek".  I just don't get it.  I have been reading a lot of posts on this forum recently and I admire so many of you who have gone through such hard times- physically and mentally.  I'd love some opinions on this.  Thanks.  RNinPA.

[cindi]

we are never alone  there are a ton of us running around out there  on several nights that i had to speak several years ago at a meeting I always had doc, nurses, alot of medical people coming up to me,,,i was stunned at first but then ralized there are alot of us..Michael,  JB and I had emailed alot for a long time but i can't
access his addy anymore  he is gone  this is really upsetting me,  I hoped someone here would have heard from him,,,I checked with Thomas  I have to check with Brighty...she use to post here when I first started coming here  now she lives by me   :)  great person
love, cin

[IrishRose]

Well I guess all of us impaired health professionals are speaking up now! Many years ago I was a pharmacy tech. An addicts dream job if there ever was one. I had been clean at that time for about 3 years and thought I could handle working in the candy store! One of the pharmacists I worked with had his paws in the apothacary jar and one of the other techs did too. It was sort of an honor among theives thing for awhile but you know how those things go, they always end badly and this one did too. I am ashamed of my actions now.  Since I was notlifting meds from patient's med drawers, just ripping off the unit dose supply, I rationalized that I was hurting no one. Besides, the hosptial didn't pay me enough, made me work awful shifts, etc etc. I created my own little "benefits" package in the form of valium, codeine and whateve else looked remotely interesting. I had it all rationalized out and felt quite justified in doing what I did. Of course it all came to an end and I am lucky to be sitting here a free woman, writing this today. Despite all that, I remained a medicine cabinet voyeur for awhile too. When we were looking for a house, even though I had again been clean for awhile, I peeked in many medicine cabinets, never took anything just looked, amazed that someone would actually keep drugs in there. Mine were always stashed in weird places like my shoes, underwear drawer, etc. Even legit prescriptions like antibiotics I kept in strange places. Old habits die hard. Today I can forgive myself all that **** but it is good to know I was not and am not alone.

[sissy101]

Wow- I'm really glad you told your "story".  It seems we have a lot of similarities.

[mrmichael67]

I got an e-mail from him back when I said I was leaving here.  He asked me not to, but haven't heard a word since.

[skipper]

cindi:
it's so wierd...i feel as if JB has sort of slipped away on us...

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[cindi]

I tried to email him   his address is gone,,,:(  I am so upset by this   I promise i will try to post more here  I miss you   love cin

[Rx]

Hi everyone. Speaking of impaired health professionals... guess what I do? I'm a retail pharmacist. Statistics say that about 1 in 10 pharmacists are addicts. I have about 180 tablets of hydrocodone/apap 10/325 and a few percocets and adderall in my fridge. I am ashamed to say that I've stocked up b/c I'm quitting retail, so I won't have anymore access to drugs like I do.

My first opioid experience was with vicoprofens 1.5 years ago when I had strep. I remember lying in my bed when the euphoria hit me... I felt so peaceful, and a smile spread on my face. Even though I loved it, for some reason I gave the rest to a friend. As the months went by, I would once in a while pop a generic vicodin at work. Then I started forging scripts. For the longest time, I would only take 5-7.5 mg hydrocodone about 3-4 times a month. This continued for about a year, but recently I've increased my usage to about 15 mg hydrocodone a day and at the same time noticed my tolerance going up. This may not sound like much, but it sure is a bad sign. And unfortunately I decided to experiment with adderall and was instantly hooked. I only have a couple of tablets of adderall and was going to get some more before I quit, but I know I'd really better not.

I also don't feel a need to use drugs outside of work... but at work, it's practically a necessity for me. Retail pharmacy is very stressful and hectic, especially when I'm filling 300-400 scripts a day, and getting abused by patients, I need the drugs to cope. People can yell at me about their copays and it doesn't phase me... people cussing me out b/c they have no refills doesn't bother me. But I know this can't continue. I'm hoping that when I find a less stressful line of work, I won't feel a need to use at all anymore. I don't know why I had the urge to stock up before I quit... maybe the thought of my supply being cut off suddenly is too much to bear.

[oh please already]

hey everyone!!!long time no chat??? where is anghts?????// i hope shes ok. i have to say i am a nurse and i did divert from work-mostly by over pulling meds and saving waste but like i leartn on this site- its our secrets that kill us and so yes, i was a **** ,i stole from patientsBut i can not change what i was,only improve who i am now.there is nothing i can do to justify what i did or allow forgiveness for it but i am sorry. to any nurse i found a great support sit- called nurses in recovery NIR.it offers support i only dreamed of. stay well and get well    laura

[sissy101]

Believe it or not, I never had an "oxy".  My DOC was any opiate IM/IV.

[ultragirl]

Jessy-like it or not, you did just scare the #()% out of me about the seize of drugs, them coming to my house, arresting me, etc. etc.  I just wrote back and cancelled (I hope) the order, for the Oxy's - if they can't credit my account or send me a check for the order, then maybe, once and for all, I'll learn and end up paying out a couple hundred dollars for nothing!!

I'm back on for July 25th and still need to know about the ingredients for the GNC stuff to take and I assume that GNC is the place to get all those ingredients?  Should I just go in and hand them my list of stuff?  Will they know what it's for?  What is the 5htp stuff (sounds wicked).

Jessy-thanks for responding so quickly and to the point.  In a way, I'm looking forward to Thursday (the 25th) because I know/hope that this time next week, I'll be over the withdrawals and the start of a new me.  I've tinkered with narcotics my whole 40+ years but never to the extent I have since March of this year - yesterday, I ended up taking 30 Ultram and all I seem to do is just sweat - how much fun is that!!

Again, Jessy, thanks and if you were sitting here, I'd give you a big 'ol hug!

[GOD]

Oh... I forgot to mention this, but just for your Information:

You had mentioned that you ordered Vicodin from that overseas site, so they were going to send you Oxys for the same price. Well, that's fine, but, I hope you realize that you have a 90% probability that your order will be seized by US Customs! I talk from experience, in that my last internet order of Ultram, and Vicodins WERE seized, and I got a nasty letter from the DEA and Customs. I think it was that event that scared me into sobriety, and made me realize that I had a problem.

I don't want to scare you, but just wanted to shed light on the subject! Good luck to you!

Jess

[GOD]

Hey there....

I know what you're going through! Trust me.... ANyway, like I've said before, you may ust want to do the "Cold-Turkey" thing.... Prolonging your withdrawl with Vicodin and Oxy will really **** you off if you're anything like me...... As you just said, you just toook 4 lortab, and didn't feel ANYTHING. I think Ultram will "Kill" any good feelings with opiates that you used to have. Oxycontin did NOTHING for me. NO BUZZ, NO good feeling.... All it did was to stop the pain of the early withdrawels, BUT you are just going to end up addicted to Oxy instead of Ultram, and the OXY is even MORE expensive.

I'm wishing you the BEST of luck in kicking this thing!
GOOD LUCK!
Jess

[ultragirl]

I mentioned last week in the forum that I had picked July 25th as my last day of taking the non=addicting Ultram - the closer it gets, the apprehensive I become - in fact, I just took 4 Lortabs and they have not affected me in the least where as years ago, I would have been buzzing around full of pep, energy and witty sayings.  With that said, I would like to know how these internet sites overseas get to presibe Valium and Vicodin and now, after placing a order for Valium to get me through the "rough spots" I saw on their site Vicodin, placed an order, received a reply back that they were out but would send Oxyicontin instead at the same price.  Hell, no wonder I'm hooked - I can't blame the internet since I was the one in search of the drugs (never took Ultram until I found it on the website) but am wondering about how they get away with this!
I really am ready to get this illness cured and to start looking like myself again - everyone says I look tired all the time but I don't think so - I just feel good.  right.

[GOD]

Skipper,

THanks for the more detailed info... I printed out the pertainent info, and gave it to my aunt for reference to take to her next pain clinic appt. (I think she's going in on Wednesday)
I certainly hope that it will help her. Before, As I'd mentioned, I HAD ASSUMED that she was abusing her pain meds, but after spending a week over there with her, I realize that she REALLY does need medication at a high level to get rid of MOST of the pain. I think the fact that she's on Klonopin and Paxil is more damaging (in the sense that it makes her look WASTED!) to her than the Pain-releiving morphine. Anyway, progress is being made, nonetheless!

Enjoy this 85 degree day, Man... it is OVER 20 degrees cooler than yesterday!

Later-
Jess

[GOD]

Thanks for writing back....

I don't know if you said before, but what is your drug of choice? I know you are like me and like the opiates, but what form in particular? I'm glad I never got my hands on a large supply of Oxy or Hydro! If I had, I don't think I could EVER remain sober. (like I said, I was an Ultram junkie...) Funny thing is, I have taken a couple of Vicodins or 40 Mgs Oxys while I was abusing Ultram, and the Vicodins and/or Oxys did NOTHING for me. I couldn't even feel an Effect. BUT, as I've said before, I was taking 30-50 Ultam per day, so I guess that REALLY upped my tolerance. You are REALLY Lucky to have ecaped the Physical and Mental withdrawl symptoms that most of us have when coming down from Opiates.... Is that true for you no mattter HOW much you take? In other words, were you just poping a couple per day recreationally, or have you ever worked your way up to 100+ Mgs in a given day?

Well... I've got to get back to the "Grind"-- Have a great day, and BE CAREFUL!

Jess

[sissy101]

Thanks for your kind words.  And no, I'm not going anywhere.  Believe me, the **** I've been through has given me a thick, tough skin.  I guess he just took me by surprise cause all I've seen around here has been support.  Actually, my main objective in writing was not for "support" but for some insight.

As to your question re:  withdrawal, no, I do not go through withdrawal.  Maybe thats my problem.  I've been on 2-3 week vacations and have not had a single urge.  It really may be hard to believe but its the god-honest truth.  Its just when I'm there, when I see it, that the urge is soooooo strong.  Your right about the energy thing too- I do feel that.  It's so ironic!  Here is this medication that is considered "sedation" yet I feel like its an amphetamine!  

Little more of my history:  I have had surgeries in the past (oral, spinal, c-section) so of course I had pain pills- and although I really enjoy them, once the prescription is done, its over.  Please everyone, I know you may take what I've said as some kind of "oh Im not an addict like them" statement- but thats far from the truth.  It doesn't matter what "kind" of addict I am, just that I am one.

[skipper]

Jess:
another non tylenol, non asprin, non motrin form of hydro-c is
tussenex cough tablets/syrup. all it contains is a resin complex
of hydro-c that time releases over a 8-12 hour period and a anti-
histamine called chlorotrimeton (spelling). in the past i've had
doctors perscribe it for pain control. in my expierence this is
the most powerful form of hydro-c out there in drug-land!"

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[skipper]

cindi:
hey there! you used to post here...wish you still did old friend.
i have not heard as much as a peep from JB. you know his wife,
Marty was quite ill also. if you have his e-mail address, you are
one up on me. like i said i'm really worried. it's not like JB
to just leave people hanging. hope to see you post more.
as always keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[skipper]

i'm sorry you took my concerns and comments in a angry way. in the post in question, i sais i did not wish to judge you. all that hydro-c, the oxy, and whatever else recently was from a neuro-surgeon and pain doctor. in the last 2 years i've had 2 surgerys on my spine at the c4/c5- c5/c6 level.

now 25 years ago it was a different story...i supported an oil-
burning junk habit by doing B&E on drugstores and clinics. i stole a lot of drugs from drugstores and clicics! where and how do you "obtain" the drugs "you only do at work." see when i was doing B&E's on drugstores and clinics, i went long enough that i thought i would never get caught....i got caught. i paid my debt to society for it, did you?

you know the main concern i have you didn't even answer - what are you going to do if you ever really need an opiate pain killer? it's one of the things i wish i would have thought about myself...now i'm finding out the hard way. i hope you never have to answer that question.

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[sissy101]

Wow- my first emotion after reading your comments was anger.  First off, you made an awful lot of assumptions there- and that in itself is pretty surprising.  I have NEVER denied a patient pain medication.  My Mother died an agonizing death with bone cancer and I know the pain meds that she needed just to make it through the day- I would never do that to someone else's mother or father, etc. You obviously have issues with health care workers, and thats fine, as long as you realize that.  But I do have a question for you- exactly how did you get all those Vicoden?  Strictly legal?  Never lied?  I highly doubt it.  I am in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic so I have attended meetings with him and have come to realize that the greatest thing about those recovery meetings are how everyone is in the same boat.  Judgements are left at the door.  Shouldn't it be the same here?

[I'm Done]

I really appreciate the feeedback you guys have given to me so far. Yesterday I did 2 10/325's around noon (from wake up to noon was hell), 2 around 5pm and then, ahem, I "rewarded" myself last night w/ 7 (70mgs). I could feel NO effect of the 7 pills, so I basically wasted them. I was kicking myself for doing it but I am not giving up! I am only on like day 5 of this and it sure is an uphill battle! Today so far I took some in the morning (5 or 50mg's) and I just took 1 more at 3pm, tonight I will try to take only 2-3 pills before going to bed. Nighttime is terrible and I do not know if that little will hold me all night. I will probably put 2 pills at the bedside in case I wake up wiggling my brains out at 4am. I am a little pissed at myself for taking 8 last night, do you think I set myself back at all by doing that? My goal is to rush down to under 100mg of hydro. a day and suffer the consequences of the speedly taper, then to even it out, slow it down as suggested. I knew you all would tell me I was doing this too fast and you are so right. I think I am going to havea lapse of refills for a week or so because I took too many a few weeks ago. That is why I was trying to QUICKLY get down to a more manageable level. If I did not, then I would be going cold turkey in about 5 days. Since spreading these out, although painful, I have turned by bottle into a magical 10-15 days worth because I am taking so much less. That extra time will get me through to the next refill.  one of the mistakes I made when "new" to my addiction was gobbling down pills without counting and considering the math. So I would get down to the bottom and then realize I had 5 FULL DAYS WITH NO PILLS at this rate! And I would then feel so stupid (and out of control). That is what sent me over the edge and has MADE me want to quit. I am seeing how OUT OF CONTROL I am! I want to nip this now and not wait several years to do it. My only fear is that I will run dry of pills during my tapering, in that case I do not know what I'll do. I suppose I could call my local doctor and admit my problem and ask for his help. I have NO CLUE if he'd be willing to help or not. I REALLY appreciate the help so far, this message board is a Godsend to me. Thanks for the "recipe" and I will continue fighting. The advice from all of you has collectively helped a ton. Even Nod's most recent post was a big help this morning when I read it. It's nice to know I am not alone and get help from those who have made the same mistakes that I have (and learn from them).

I'll continue posting...

I'm Done

ps. If anyone thinks of anything else I should know, please post!

[alexandra_r]

Although I do agree with skipper that taking drugs from people who need it is really bad--I might have done this same thing about 2 weeks ago.  I posted a comment that I had gone to look at a house and looked in the medicine cabinet.  I took some of the person's xanax because I wanted to help my w/d from vicodins--I felt terrible about it and still do.  The point is--that as addicts, we don't have control over what we do.  That's what makes addiction so terrible.  When I was addicted to heroin 10+ years ago, I did things that I would _never_ do today.  I stole from people I loved, I lied to everyone, I conned people and I sold myself for money so I could get a fix.  While my addiction today (vicodins prescribed by 1 doc) has not taken me to the same kind of desperation that heroin did, I still have done things (like taking those xanax) that I would never do if I wasn't going through w/d.  

I remember when I was having a bout with crack--I knew a woman who was pregnant with twins and she was in LABOR and would not put down the crack pipe.  I couldn't believe it--but, that's what addiction does.   She ended up giving birth on the floor of a crack house and god only knows what happens to those poor twins.

I know that I (personally) must be tolerant of others because I have f***ed up so much in my own life.  I hope that Sissy finds the help she needs so that she won't hurt herself or others and I wish the same for every addict in the world (we all suffer and we all hurt ourselves and others).

Peace
Alexandra

[skipper]

sissy101:
welcome to the forum! there will always be room for just one more
junky here, so come on in. i find your story about only taking
drugs at work an intresting one. as i believe hippy pointed out
earlyer, everything in addiction is subject to change. i wonder
where your drug intake will be a year from now? how are you diverting the drugs you steal? what will you do if you ever actually need an opiate pain killer? what you are doing to your patients, doesn't that bother you? i do not wish to judge you, but a while back a good friend died of a terminal condition in a hospital. although it could never be proven, i think this friends morphine was being watered down by a nurse charged with his care. i wasn't the only person who suspected this nurse. as i said, i do not wish to judge you, but the fact that you only do drugs at work isn't even mildly intresting. what does concern me is someone who might actually need narcotic pain relief isn't getting it. our society treats some one who embezzles money from a bank differently than an armed robber, or night-time thief. to embezzle is some-how less of a crime. i can't speak for anyone else, but the white collar embezzler is just as much a thief as a person who sticks a gun in a bank teller's face. perhaps even
more of one, when you factor in the violation of the public's
trust.

a couple of years ago i attended an NA meeting. at this meeting
there was the usual group of people with cards to be signed. when
one of these people (with a card to be signed) was asked to share
her expierence she did. she was a RN fulfilling her obligation to
the state liscense review board and the court system. she told
her story with difficulty. i would have been sympathetic, except
her dificulty was the trouble she had telling the story and
laughing about it. i can't speak for anyone else, but her atti-
tude didn't do much for me the next time i was in a hospital.
this poor woman just couldn't (or wouldn't) grasp the fact that
the violation of trust was far more serious (at least to me) than
the diversion and theft of drugs. what even scared me more was
her statement that she only had "48 more meetings to go to before she was home free, whatever that ment... for what ever it is worth i will pray for her and you, as i don't know what else
to do for you....

everyone:
got in real late last night. the pharmacy that filled the Rx of
hydro-c (HyVee) was closed. i will try to talk to the pharmacist
today. i hope i can provide mrmichel and jessesarpy the name of
the manufacture of the preperation i recieved. i hope i was in-
deed corect, as ther is a huge need for a Rx prep. that is just
hydro-c and nothing else. all i really remember is that hydro-c
wasn't doing much for me at the time. at any rate i'm as curious
as the rest of you people, so i will look into it and get back to
you folks asap.

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[galawyer]

Just wanted to let you all know that I think everyone on this forum is brave and wonderful.  Keep up the good work