Aa
I'm desperate for advice from those in recovery
Hi, I'm Michelle, 41 years old and pregnant with a addicts baby. It's a very long, complicated story but bottom line is someone took advantage of my mind, body, soul, bank account, and trust. I know deep down inside he has a good heart, however, he is ruled by the abuse he's suffered from childhood and life in general. It breaks my heart.. He was someone I would never date or have a relationship because I knew our lives would never mesh. I was staying with him while I recovered from neck fusion and he took advantage of the situation while I was medicated.. So, I can't tell you what a surprise it was to find out I was pregnant when to my knowledge I had not been intimate with anyone in over a year. Seems he didn't realize I wasnt aware of what was going on.. hmmmmmmmmmmmm Anyway.. so here I am pregnant.. and what was I to do? I figured the only chance he had was for me to step in and kick him in his *** and try to get him on the road to recovery.
His background : started drinking in high school, acted out horribly due to physical and emotional abuse of his father. At age 21 he found cocaine. He had a love affair with that drug until May 31, 2008. He is now 37 and spent all those years using and abusing. He and his ex wife.. well there whole relationship was based on getting high and drinking.. they had no real relationship.. I do remember him telling me that he never wanted that again.. that kind of gig where only drugs are the common bond. He hasnt had a valid drivers license for 18 years, was in jail for a minor offense, arrested 30 times. He is a pathological liar. Lied to me about the drugs, and so many other things. But one thing has always rang true with him, his desire to have a stable, normal family. Since he found out I was pregnant he stopped everything.. was seeing a therapist, goes to AA meetings 3-4 times a week. He just go his drivers license back today, stopped smoking, and will go to parenting classes.. HOWEVER I know addicts will say anything to get what they want, and he wants me.
My question is: Can people change? Is it insane for me to try to help him. I put up with zero BS. He broke ties with old friends, turned in he dealers... he is kept on a very short lease, my hope is he will learn to love his new life that the consequences of losing it will help keep him sober. I just don't know if someone with that long history is change possible... he is like a child, doesnt know how to have a relationship at all. I was married for 20 years.. I have normal, well balanced kids.. blows my mind he and his ex wife did drugs and drank during her pregnancy... I know I can go to alanon meetings but I'm stuck in bed till the baby come due to being so high risk.. Thank you for taking time to read this and give me your input..
Peace, Love and Happiness..
Michelle
His background : started drinking in high school, acted out horribly due to physical and emotional abuse of his father. At age 21 he found cocaine. He had a love affair with that drug until May 31, 2008. He is now 37 and spent all those years using and abusing. He and his ex wife.. well there whole relationship was based on getting high and drinking.. they had no real relationship.. I do remember him telling me that he never wanted that again.. that kind of gig where only drugs are the common bond. He hasnt had a valid drivers license for 18 years, was in jail for a minor offense, arrested 30 times. He is a pathological liar. Lied to me about the drugs, and so many other things. But one thing has always rang true with him, his desire to have a stable, normal family. Since he found out I was pregnant he stopped everything.. was seeing a therapist, goes to AA meetings 3-4 times a week. He just go his drivers license back today, stopped smoking, and will go to parenting classes.. HOWEVER I know addicts will say anything to get what they want, and he wants me.
My question is: Can people change? Is it insane for me to try to help him. I put up with zero BS. He broke ties with old friends, turned in he dealers... he is kept on a very short lease, my hope is he will learn to love his new life that the consequences of losing it will help keep him sober. I just don't know if someone with that long history is change possible... he is like a child, doesnt know how to have a relationship at all. I was married for 20 years.. I have normal, well balanced kids.. blows my mind he and his ex wife did drugs and drank during her pregnancy... I know I can go to alanon meetings but I'm stuck in bed till the baby come due to being so high risk.. Thank you for taking time to read this and give me your input..
Peace, Love and Happiness..
Michelle
I believe people can change, but not overnight. Since his whole life has been about drugs/drinking I think it would be naive to think he won't mess up even if it is just once. Remember, relapse is part of recovery. Please don't misunderstand, I am not trying to be negative, just realistic. He may truly desire to be a wonderful family man, but you will need to be patient and forgiving, especially if he is giving a genuine effort. Good luck!
agreed bluespence. being an addict myself I totally agree, it sounds like he is taking the right steps toward recovery! I wish you the best, take care of yourself and the baby! :)
And u want to fix him cuz u are pg by him ?(that sorta sounded like rape to me) I wouldn't expect any vast changes from someone w/ that history. It's great to help but there is a limit if the price is too high. A smart man knows when to walk away. Good luck.
WOw, that is an unusual story. What did he have to say when you got pregnant? Was he sorry for taking advantage of you?? Have you forgiven him for that?
I mean, yes...people can change. But out of every 10 addicts, 9 need help to get clean. Addiction is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. It totally changes everything about you and who you are. It effects everyone around you, and the people you love most. It makes you do things you never thought you could. But what he did?? Is that someone you want to spend your life with and be the father of your child? I am sure he wasn't himself when he did it. But that is pretty extreme. Maybe if he did get help he would change. Has he ever been violent with you, like hit you or anything like that?
Well, we are here to help in any and every way possible. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. I am here if you want to talk..
Lisa
I mean, yes...people can change. But out of every 10 addicts, 9 need help to get clean. Addiction is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. It totally changes everything about you and who you are. It effects everyone around you, and the people you love most. It makes you do things you never thought you could. But what he did?? Is that someone you want to spend your life with and be the father of your child? I am sure he wasn't himself when he did it. But that is pretty extreme. Maybe if he did get help he would change. Has he ever been violent with you, like hit you or anything like that?
Well, we are here to help in any and every way possible. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. I am here if you want to talk..
Lisa
Well Michelle, In my first post here I explained that my narcotics addiction was hurting my wifes health almost as bad as mine. That, itself, is my motivation to quite. My love for her. I think we have addictions becuase there is something about ourselves that we don't like or try to cover up with the substance. We got addicted becuase it was an easy way out. Finding positive things to do everyday helps keep my mind off of the pills and on my relationship with my wife. In your case I do beleive you are caught between a rock and a hard case, from your post it seems like he is taking you for granted just like I was taking my wife for grant. Talk to him about it. Explain to him that there are better things to do in life besides chemical romances......
Hope this help, pray for me and I will pray for you.
Hope this help, pray for me and I will pray for you.
People can change. Isnt too easy. But doable. You do have quite a story there. It sounds from your words like things are at least reasonable now? Would you be fulfilled if he was clean and with you? I actually have a great gut feeling that you may be able to make this work. Keys here are make and work. You are one strong lady - and a forgiving person with a large heart also. Doesnt sound like you suffer fools easily. But you are also very pregnant with his child. I am not getting the negative feelings that I frequently do with this stuff. You are strong enough to kick him in the a** and it sounds like you arent too bashful about your role here... You may well be tested - but I really do have that feeeling like you may do this......................
You guys are making me cry!! lol I'm so hormonal.. very errie how on the money you are "theeagle". You are right, I would so kick his *** and I have. I worked with several police departments turning in all dealers... made him get rid of his friends.. which werent friends.. I asked Rob.. when it became his job to supply everyone in central NJ with drugs? LOL.. he wasnt a dealer.. but he is SOOOOOOOO needy he wants everyone to like him.. I said Ohhh I see.. yea.. they are all willing to LET YOU GO TO JAIL.. so they can get high.. I'm sure they will be there to bail you out, right? That is how I spend my life these days.. breaking down what he says or thinks into the most simplistic form. He thinks I'm so so smart.. I laugh.. I'm just not high.
So for a real relationship, I don't know. He has no social skills.. it's like the movie pretty women.. that is what I feel like I'm dealing with. He grew up in a upper middle class family, went to private school, but due to the horrific abuse at the hands of his father he found acceptance in the drug community.. and he digressed to fit in. All this guy wants is love. When he was married, he tried to get sober for a while but his ex wife still partied.. and he would go and get for her because that was the only time they had sex... I cannot fathom being that desperate for love and attention. I know everything he's done to me wasnt premeditated. I'm trying SO hard to not judge him on what he did when he was high... but I would be a liar to tell you I don't have my moments of rage. I've never delt with anyone like this.. he is like obsessed in love. I am the ONLY woman he's ever known and had a relationship that wasnt a drug addict. I am terrified of that person on drugs. And I swear to God I would kill him myself if he EVER was f'd up around me or any of the children.. mine, his or ours.
With me he has seen a life he's dreamed of having but never knew how. I am a good mom.. I grew up in insanity and abuse and made the decision very early on to NEVER let my children know that pain. They are simply amazing people and it's an honor to be a part of their lives. I am in awe of the people they are.. how unselfish and kind they are. I don't fight.. kids have never been spanked.. I don't scream at them or disrespect them.. that was a big hurdle for him.. I said my children have the right to question authority figures.. adults f up all the time, that why we have jails, cops and lawyers. So don't take there word as God. I showed him how to be a father to his son. How to be humble and ask for forgiveness. I must be honest, as horrible as this sounds and I am ashamed.. a big reason of me not being with him is because of his ex wife.. she still does drugs .. in the house.. kids there. His sons only chance is with Rob. If she keeps doing what shes doing I know his son will follow the path.. All he saw for 7 years was parents f'd up.. and she did it while pregnant so this poor child is so at risk.. his body was formed with drugs in it. So I think .. do I want this boy around my children.. Ok, I'm not worried about my kids.. they are older and very well grounded.. but this new baby.. kids look up to older brothers and sisters.. so I'm worried about his future influence on the baby when he gets older. I'm afraid of the ex wife.. and the company she keeps. She despises me.. after all I know all her dirty laundry. He is totally different with me than he was with her.. they were horrible to eachother. I don't fight.. I don't scream... I don't say mean, abusive things.. the things I say are true... I don't throw things, I'm not a sneak.. I try to teach him with love, and use myself at every opportunity to show him a different way. I call him on his **** at a moments notice. I caught him on the phone with his idiot drug friend when he first stopped using... see, he can't fight with me, its almost comical.. so anyway.. when he can't beat me with words, he gets loud.. VERY LOUD.. (i'm 5'1 he is 6'5) and we were driving and I was crying.. so I pulled over.. got out of the car.. in the parking lot of a deli I cried.. everyone was looking.. I said, very loudly " Oh Ok.. you are a REAL MAN you can make a pregnant girl cry" He was floored.. but I made my point and he's never raised his voice to me again. I'm letting him come to see me this weekend. And there will be alot of talking.
I know nobody can say he will be ok.. I'm just looking for other people who have lived that lifestyle and changed. DJT in NC.. you stopped for your wife.. the love you have for her.. my question is does that work long term? Or was it a foot in the door.. that is kinda what I'm thinking with him.. that I am his foot in the door and at some point he will want to be sober for himself, not me. that is very scary for me.. that responsibility.
I know he will relapse.. everyone usually does, and I'm not talking about just drugs and alcohol. It can be a simple as a diet, or anything we wish to change about ourselves. That is what outrages me... "sober" or non addicts passing judgment.. I know God did not put me on this planet to judge others.. and its sooooooooooooooo easy to do.. because when we do that we don't have to look at ourselves. I was friendly with a woman from work a few years ago, long before this happend... and she was talking about her "scumbag" brother in law.. how he got drunk after being clean for 2 years.. blah blah blah.. how he's never going to change, and she went on and on... I listened.. then I said.. Oh.. Ok.. yea.. what a loser.. you would think people would learn from there mistakes.. kinda like you.. you declared bankruptcy and now ran up another 45k on your credit cards.. People never learn huh? She was speechless... So yes, I know it's going to be very hard.. this drug was the love of his life for 17 years.. and he gave her up cold turkey.. I told him he only has room in his life for one love.. if he picks drugs then he's cheating on me..
Thank you all again for your kindness and taking the time to help others. That is such a gift in itself...
Peace, Love & Happiness...
Michelle
He has been clean since 5/31/08..
So for a real relationship, I don't know. He has no social skills.. it's like the movie pretty women.. that is what I feel like I'm dealing with. He grew up in a upper middle class family, went to private school, but due to the horrific abuse at the hands of his father he found acceptance in the drug community.. and he digressed to fit in. All this guy wants is love. When he was married, he tried to get sober for a while but his ex wife still partied.. and he would go and get for her because that was the only time they had sex... I cannot fathom being that desperate for love and attention. I know everything he's done to me wasnt premeditated. I'm trying SO hard to not judge him on what he did when he was high... but I would be a liar to tell you I don't have my moments of rage. I've never delt with anyone like this.. he is like obsessed in love. I am the ONLY woman he's ever known and had a relationship that wasnt a drug addict. I am terrified of that person on drugs. And I swear to God I would kill him myself if he EVER was f'd up around me or any of the children.. mine, his or ours.
With me he has seen a life he's dreamed of having but never knew how. I am a good mom.. I grew up in insanity and abuse and made the decision very early on to NEVER let my children know that pain. They are simply amazing people and it's an honor to be a part of their lives. I am in awe of the people they are.. how unselfish and kind they are. I don't fight.. kids have never been spanked.. I don't scream at them or disrespect them.. that was a big hurdle for him.. I said my children have the right to question authority figures.. adults f up all the time, that why we have jails, cops and lawyers. So don't take there word as God. I showed him how to be a father to his son. How to be humble and ask for forgiveness. I must be honest, as horrible as this sounds and I am ashamed.. a big reason of me not being with him is because of his ex wife.. she still does drugs .. in the house.. kids there. His sons only chance is with Rob. If she keeps doing what shes doing I know his son will follow the path.. All he saw for 7 years was parents f'd up.. and she did it while pregnant so this poor child is so at risk.. his body was formed with drugs in it. So I think .. do I want this boy around my children.. Ok, I'm not worried about my kids.. they are older and very well grounded.. but this new baby.. kids look up to older brothers and sisters.. so I'm worried about his future influence on the baby when he gets older. I'm afraid of the ex wife.. and the company she keeps. She despises me.. after all I know all her dirty laundry. He is totally different with me than he was with her.. they were horrible to eachother. I don't fight.. I don't scream... I don't say mean, abusive things.. the things I say are true... I don't throw things, I'm not a sneak.. I try to teach him with love, and use myself at every opportunity to show him a different way. I call him on his **** at a moments notice. I caught him on the phone with his idiot drug friend when he first stopped using... see, he can't fight with me, its almost comical.. so anyway.. when he can't beat me with words, he gets loud.. VERY LOUD.. (i'm 5'1 he is 6'5) and we were driving and I was crying.. so I pulled over.. got out of the car.. in the parking lot of a deli I cried.. everyone was looking.. I said, very loudly " Oh Ok.. you are a REAL MAN you can make a pregnant girl cry" He was floored.. but I made my point and he's never raised his voice to me again. I'm letting him come to see me this weekend. And there will be alot of talking.
I know nobody can say he will be ok.. I'm just looking for other people who have lived that lifestyle and changed. DJT in NC.. you stopped for your wife.. the love you have for her.. my question is does that work long term? Or was it a foot in the door.. that is kinda what I'm thinking with him.. that I am his foot in the door and at some point he will want to be sober for himself, not me. that is very scary for me.. that responsibility.
I know he will relapse.. everyone usually does, and I'm not talking about just drugs and alcohol. It can be a simple as a diet, or anything we wish to change about ourselves. That is what outrages me... "sober" or non addicts passing judgment.. I know God did not put me on this planet to judge others.. and its sooooooooooooooo easy to do.. because when we do that we don't have to look at ourselves. I was friendly with a woman from work a few years ago, long before this happend... and she was talking about her "scumbag" brother in law.. how he got drunk after being clean for 2 years.. blah blah blah.. how he's never going to change, and she went on and on... I listened.. then I said.. Oh.. Ok.. yea.. what a loser.. you would think people would learn from there mistakes.. kinda like you.. you declared bankruptcy and now ran up another 45k on your credit cards.. People never learn huh? She was speechless... So yes, I know it's going to be very hard.. this drug was the love of his life for 17 years.. and he gave her up cold turkey.. I told him he only has room in his life for one love.. if he picks drugs then he's cheating on me..
Thank you all again for your kindness and taking the time to help others. That is such a gift in itself...
Peace, Love & Happiness...
Michelle
He has been clean since 5/31/08..
Change is possible for anybody Iam living and breathing proof that it can be done. I am a recovering crack addict booze hound and back alley bottom of the pond RECOVERING addict. I live one day at a time the people in my life are amazing I go to AA, NA, CA I am working the Steps to these programs well actually the NA steps and I tell you my life has completly channged the root of our disease is self centerdness it comes in a thousand forms of fear , fear of tommorow , fear of the yesterdays and fear of living life on lives terms!. Through the programs I am regaining my values that I have lost and learning to live life on lifes terms! One day at a time just a 24 hr period that is the only thing I could understand or do when I cleaned up, now still living one day at a time I am having hopes and dreams in my life again when at one time I thought all was lost and I was hopeless, unlovable and did'nt want to live. Your partner has a honest chance to become somebody he has always dreamed of being . I strongly suggest him hitting a meeting and stay with AL ANON for yourself , set boundries and stick with them!!!!. I wish you well and God BlessYou and your unborn baby. j
You ask" What did he have to say when you got pregnant? Was he sorry for taking advantage of you?? Have you forgiven him for that?
You ask: But what he did?? Is that someone you want to spend your life with and be the father of your child? I am sure he wasn't himself when he did it. But that is pretty extreme. Maybe if he did get help he would change
A big reason, beside my being pregnant was I video taped him all strung out.. he sobbed.. was so ashamed.. and shocked of what he looked like.. Again as for how I got pregnant, he really didn't realize I was not aware of what was going on.. he was high, thought it was ok and went for it.
Has he ever been violent with you, like hit you or anything like that?
Never.. he is very scary and has a horrible temper but thats changed a million percent since he stopped drinking and drugging. He yelled at me once.. I blew him out of the water by my reaction. (see above posting) I don't care how scared I am.. I have a mouth and I use it. When I found out I was pregnant.. I had a very long talk with his family and made them totally aware of his history.. If he uses again, it's not just me he has to deal with anymore.. I've touched very area of his life..
And again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.. thank you all for your advice and for just caring.. I'm sure it's not easy to relive parts of your lives that were so painfilled.. thank you for giving of yourselves...
You ask: But what he did?? Is that someone you want to spend your life with and be the father of your child? I am sure he wasn't himself when he did it. But that is pretty extreme. Maybe if he did get help he would change
A big reason, beside my being pregnant was I video taped him all strung out.. he sobbed.. was so ashamed.. and shocked of what he looked like.. Again as for how I got pregnant, he really didn't realize I was not aware of what was going on.. he was high, thought it was ok and went for it.
Has he ever been violent with you, like hit you or anything like that?
Never.. he is very scary and has a horrible temper but thats changed a million percent since he stopped drinking and drugging. He yelled at me once.. I blew him out of the water by my reaction. (see above posting) I don't care how scared I am.. I have a mouth and I use it. When I found out I was pregnant.. I had a very long talk with his family and made them totally aware of his history.. If he uses again, it's not just me he has to deal with anymore.. I've touched very area of his life..
And again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.. thank you all for your advice and for just caring.. I'm sure it's not easy to relive parts of your lives that were so painfilled.. thank you for giving of yourselves...
Thank you so much for your comment. Yes, he is going to meetings.. usually 3-4 a week.. I just arranged for him to get medical insurance so he will be seeing a psych. as well. I can't go to meetings right now.. my pregnancy is very very high risk and I'm in bed 90% of the time.
Congratulations on your sobriety!! It's so hard to start over.. seems like it's a re-birth. May I ask how long did you use for? I guess I'm most concerned because all of his adult life he used.. sometimes daily. Mind blowing for me to think of what must be going on in his head trying to have a life that doesnt revolve around drugs. I think I mentioned I moved out early Sept. and he is 2 hours from me. I am going to allow him to come see me this weekend.. my kids will be with there dad so we will have alot of time to talk..
Again, thank you for reaching out to me...
Congratulations on your sobriety!! It's so hard to start over.. seems like it's a re-birth. May I ask how long did you use for? I guess I'm most concerned because all of his adult life he used.. sometimes daily. Mind blowing for me to think of what must be going on in his head trying to have a life that doesnt revolve around drugs. I think I mentioned I moved out early Sept. and he is 2 hours from me. I am going to allow him to come see me this weekend.. my kids will be with there dad so we will have alot of time to talk..
Again, thank you for reaching out to me...
I think you may get two babies out of this. Yes, people do change, but YOU cannot change anyone!!! You said "you have him on a short leash" you are setting yourself up for a life of "babysitting" him~ why would you want that kinda life? It doesnt seem like you even like him very much anyway. You said he has no social skills and had a horrible marriage ~ has he gotten counceling from the horrible marriage? if not he is going to repeat what he just did~ you may not do drugs with him, but have you considered HE is YOUR drug? its called codependancy! I think perhaps you have it and he is your "drug". You said you dont fight, well thats all about to change. Cuz if you marry him with your attitude that you think your better than him and that he has pretty much no redeeming social value, your in for way more than an occasional fight. Having a husband with a horrible childhood and addictions out the wazoo, being codependant as well as an addictive personality, (ive done em all) I can tell you unless you BOTH get counseling, recovery and HONEST your in for a long ride in HELL!! ~ best of luck to you ~ peace
No, I have no intention of being his life long teacher or keeper. I am doing this because, I can... And you are correct, I have no interest in being a babysitter.. however, nobody ever gave him a chance.. I see how much he has grown in 6 months given correct tools, kindness and encouragement.
He will not repeat his past relationships with me.. for 2 very important reasons.. 1. I am not a drug addict and I don't live an insane lifestyle like they did.. 2. I would never ever stick around and put up with it.. not for a moment. I left his house for good early Sept. and have only allowed him to visit me 2 times. I'm making him do the work without the reward of me right there. It's much easier to conform and do the right thing when someone is right there by your side.. he must work much harder with me being away.
Umm with all do respect, he is not my drug. I don't NEED him for anything.. not for money, love, support.. nada.. I do not get any kind of rush, or mood alternating gratification from him. I've taken purpose filled steps to not be dependent on him. for anything..
And no, I don't fight, and no that's not about to change.. I don't need to engage in that kind of behavior with anyone for any reason.. I am 41.. and walk to the beat of my own drummer.. I have to power to walk away :-) I don't recall ever once saying I was better than him, or that he has not social redeeming value... I believe I was pretty clear on not being judgmental on any level... for I was not put here to judge others? I for sure don't think I'm just so special and do no wrong.. that would be foolish. I am better than no one. I just chose to take a different path than he. For that I am forever grateful. I grew up in a horrific abusive household. I was molested by my father, and my mothers boy friend. My mother is a alcoholic who was married 6 times. I was physically abused by her.. and mentally. If there was ever anyone who could have taken a different path, it would be me. I don't regret a moment of my past because it formed the woman I am today.. and I like me.. took a long time to get to that place but I know that by far my best asset is my heart and my ability to love. Socially we are different. It is very difficult to attend a black tie event and have my date talk about the f'ing steak. To be walking in the mall and have him make a racist remark. To have him show up all messed up when I am at a after work function.. THAT is what I was talking about. It's basic common sense... and manners.. all which can be learned. My kids know not to do those things. lol.. I have been in therapy for years. I'm a great advocate of it.. it's priceless to have a neutral pair of ears...
Thank you again for your concern...
Michelle
He will not repeat his past relationships with me.. for 2 very important reasons.. 1. I am not a drug addict and I don't live an insane lifestyle like they did.. 2. I would never ever stick around and put up with it.. not for a moment. I left his house for good early Sept. and have only allowed him to visit me 2 times. I'm making him do the work without the reward of me right there. It's much easier to conform and do the right thing when someone is right there by your side.. he must work much harder with me being away.
Umm with all do respect, he is not my drug. I don't NEED him for anything.. not for money, love, support.. nada.. I do not get any kind of rush, or mood alternating gratification from him. I've taken purpose filled steps to not be dependent on him. for anything..
And no, I don't fight, and no that's not about to change.. I don't need to engage in that kind of behavior with anyone for any reason.. I am 41.. and walk to the beat of my own drummer.. I have to power to walk away :-) I don't recall ever once saying I was better than him, or that he has not social redeeming value... I believe I was pretty clear on not being judgmental on any level... for I was not put here to judge others? I for sure don't think I'm just so special and do no wrong.. that would be foolish. I am better than no one. I just chose to take a different path than he. For that I am forever grateful. I grew up in a horrific abusive household. I was molested by my father, and my mothers boy friend. My mother is a alcoholic who was married 6 times. I was physically abused by her.. and mentally. If there was ever anyone who could have taken a different path, it would be me. I don't regret a moment of my past because it formed the woman I am today.. and I like me.. took a long time to get to that place but I know that by far my best asset is my heart and my ability to love. Socially we are different. It is very difficult to attend a black tie event and have my date talk about the f'ing steak. To be walking in the mall and have him make a racist remark. To have him show up all messed up when I am at a after work function.. THAT is what I was talking about. It's basic common sense... and manners.. all which can be learned. My kids know not to do those things. lol.. I have been in therapy for years. I'm a great advocate of it.. it's priceless to have a neutral pair of ears...
Thank you again for your concern...
Michelle
Thank you neredshuz! I have personally done all this stuff too....and then some. That is exactly what came to mind when I read this.....CO- dependency! Michelle...both of you really need to go consider counseling.....not together but individually....then possibly together. People CAN change, but they can't change on will power alone. What happens when the *new* wears off.....You, the baby, the life he *believes* he wants, etc.??? It may be a rocky road....but the best of luck to you! What a story!
Hi Michelle,
You sound so much like my wife. She is that rock who sees everything in basic black and white, right and wrong; very simplistic and honest. She doesn't know her father and had several step-dads who used crack with her mom and they would drop them off at the "babysitters" house for weeks at a time while they went on a binge. Had her prom dress and car stolen by her mom and sold for crack and moved out of the house at 15. She is so amazing...she joined the Air Force to get away and that is where we met. She chose the right path and somehow I, though I had no cake walk I had a much easier life than her, chose the wrong one. Can people change? God I hope so. I have been clean for 41 days now and I have the truest intentions in my heart to not go back to that life. We have been married for 7 years and have a beautiful 17 month old son and I don't want to have him grow up and see me drunk and drugging like I saw my dad. I have to stop that cycle. I don't know if I will stay clean forever, but I know that the demon is cunning and trying everyday to take that place in my life that it used to have. I try everyday to stop it, and so far have been successful. I hope it continues. It sounds like he has taken some pretty amazing steps in just a short time to do the right thing. Maybe your realistic perspective on life, love, and relationships is the wake up call he needs. I know I will be praying for him and you b/c I know how he is probably feeling...wanting so bad to do the right thing, but fighting that ache inside everyday to go back to the old ways...especially when life throws a bad day our way. it isn't easy but I see people in NA each week that have been clean for nearly 20 years, so I know it is possible, it just take an honest effort, EVERY day. Complacency will open the door to our addiction. You also said that you hope he will be sober for him. In my opinion, there is no way he would be clean for as long as he has if he wasn't doing it for him. An addict will never stay clean until their desire to be clean is stronger than the desire to use, no matter how much a significant other or family memeber wants it for them.
Good luck and God bless.
You sound so much like my wife. She is that rock who sees everything in basic black and white, right and wrong; very simplistic and honest. She doesn't know her father and had several step-dads who used crack with her mom and they would drop them off at the "babysitters" house for weeks at a time while they went on a binge. Had her prom dress and car stolen by her mom and sold for crack and moved out of the house at 15. She is so amazing...she joined the Air Force to get away and that is where we met. She chose the right path and somehow I, though I had no cake walk I had a much easier life than her, chose the wrong one. Can people change? God I hope so. I have been clean for 41 days now and I have the truest intentions in my heart to not go back to that life. We have been married for 7 years and have a beautiful 17 month old son and I don't want to have him grow up and see me drunk and drugging like I saw my dad. I have to stop that cycle. I don't know if I will stay clean forever, but I know that the demon is cunning and trying everyday to take that place in my life that it used to have. I try everyday to stop it, and so far have been successful. I hope it continues. It sounds like he has taken some pretty amazing steps in just a short time to do the right thing. Maybe your realistic perspective on life, love, and relationships is the wake up call he needs. I know I will be praying for him and you b/c I know how he is probably feeling...wanting so bad to do the right thing, but fighting that ache inside everyday to go back to the old ways...especially when life throws a bad day our way. it isn't easy but I see people in NA each week that have been clean for nearly 20 years, so I know it is possible, it just take an honest effort, EVERY day. Complacency will open the door to our addiction. You also said that you hope he will be sober for him. In my opinion, there is no way he would be clean for as long as he has if he wasn't doing it for him. An addict will never stay clean until their desire to be clean is stronger than the desire to use, no matter how much a significant other or family memeber wants it for them.
Good luck and God bless.
Michelle, Im not trying in any way to be mean to you at all, just hoping you'll give what you are getting involved with some thought.
First of all you have said he wont continue his past behavior because YOUR not a drug addict. His behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you! His behavior has everything to do with him. HE needs to get some counseling to help him understand why his marriage was a disaster. How he played a part in it. How he can improve his relationship skills so that he does not repeat the mistakes he made in the prior relationship. Addiction is a symptom of deeper issues of the heart and mind. Just because we stop the symptoms doesnt mean we resolved the issues. Unresolved issues WILL come out in other ways if all we do is stop the behavior! As the person who will inherit this baggage, dont you want him to have some peace and reconciliation in his heart before you jump into marriage?
Second, the reason that I said you think your better than him is cuz of the tone in the post. You seem to think hes an idiot. I duno why you would want to marry someone who you have a low opinion of?!? Im sure that you have good reasons to feel that way. But all im trying to do is help you to think about this a little deeper.Marriage is hard when the people are madly in love and cant keep their hands off of each other!!I Its gona be really difficult to make it work when you are starting off with problems and resentments!
Third, you said you are "making" him do the work, you said you moved out and only "let" him visit you twice. Its just looking like your trying to fix the guy and control his recovery. I could be wrong, maybe I am. Im only some chick on the internet thats lived thru hard times trying to help you see even though your looking!! Hear even though your ears are working!
It would behoove (sp) you to at least look up some information on co-dependancy. With the childhood you describe and your involvement with someone you think you can "fix", it can not hurt you to at least read up on it before you make a decision that is going to effect the rest of your life and the rest of your children's lives!!
Im glad hes clean and showing improvement and doing his recovery. Thats awesome and YES people do change! But im not talking about him; Im talking about YOU!!
Good luck and I hope you have peace in what ever you decide~~
First of all you have said he wont continue his past behavior because YOUR not a drug addict. His behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you! His behavior has everything to do with him. HE needs to get some counseling to help him understand why his marriage was a disaster. How he played a part in it. How he can improve his relationship skills so that he does not repeat the mistakes he made in the prior relationship. Addiction is a symptom of deeper issues of the heart and mind. Just because we stop the symptoms doesnt mean we resolved the issues. Unresolved issues WILL come out in other ways if all we do is stop the behavior! As the person who will inherit this baggage, dont you want him to have some peace and reconciliation in his heart before you jump into marriage?
Second, the reason that I said you think your better than him is cuz of the tone in the post. You seem to think hes an idiot. I duno why you would want to marry someone who you have a low opinion of?!? Im sure that you have good reasons to feel that way. But all im trying to do is help you to think about this a little deeper.Marriage is hard when the people are madly in love and cant keep their hands off of each other!!I Its gona be really difficult to make it work when you are starting off with problems and resentments!
Third, you said you are "making" him do the work, you said you moved out and only "let" him visit you twice. Its just looking like your trying to fix the guy and control his recovery. I could be wrong, maybe I am. Im only some chick on the internet thats lived thru hard times trying to help you see even though your looking!! Hear even though your ears are working!
It would behoove (sp) you to at least look up some information on co-dependancy. With the childhood you describe and your involvement with someone you think you can "fix", it can not hurt you to at least read up on it before you make a decision that is going to effect the rest of your life and the rest of your children's lives!!
Im glad hes clean and showing improvement and doing his recovery. Thats awesome and YES people do change! But im not talking about him; Im talking about YOU!!
Good luck and I hope you have peace in what ever you decide~~
Oh my! I feel for you big time Michelle! My name is Michelle too! I was in a relationship with an alcholic for 6 years. I was CO-DEPENDANT! You are and the father of your future child are co-dependant. Please tell me why? why? are you in this guy's life in the first place?? Why isn't he in jail for raping you? That just kills me, how you made an exuse for him raping you and taking avantage of you! You may be a strong person and have been througha lot and say you don't put up with his ****,etc. But, you do. I think and know that you need to take care of YOU and this precious baby. This guy may be sober and trying to get his life straight. You should only get sober for yourself ! Not for a baby, love, etc. That is secondary! You can not love or take care of anyone else, unless you love and take care of you first! This guy need serious long -term inpatient therapy and medical care. If he wants to have any kind of real sobriety on his belt he is going to want to work through all his trauma he had in life and learn how to deal with it naturally and healthy. I have been through trauma and hell with my father and a toxic relationship. I remember going to his meetings with him for "Support" and people who didn't even know me saying," you know your co -dependant"! I was like NO I AM NOT! It took a while but, it was like an awakening, sayingto myself, "Michelle you are so co-dependant! When I admitted it to myself I felt a weight off my chest and knew I was like this b/c of my abusive father. I have been in therapy about my father and the hell Ive been through since I was 17. I was told by a therapist I will look for guys like my father or guys that are not good for me. Boy, was the therapist correct. I am 29 and still need a ton of therapy. I know now what red flags to look for in men. I don't know why I attract them but when I get the smallest red flag, Im out. I know no one might not be there for him but, you. But, he is not your responsiblilty to be that one. He needs guidance,care, and therapy from a medical professional. You definatly need therapy for what you went through with him and your passed. Just to let you know a fact...women who were sexually asulted or abused have almost a 100% chance of becoming some kind of addict. You need to think about you and not think and worry about him! I am not a doctor but, I grew up with an abusive father, un healthy relationships, and I am In psychology and social work. I am an intern in social work and take care of the mentally ill and drug addicts,etc. Listen to everyones good advice on here! This is a great place! Good luck with everything! I am praying for you and your baby!
Michelle
Michelle
RELAPSE IS NOT A PART OF RECOVERY!!!!! OMG...THATS AN EXCUSE TO USE AGAIN....DONT DELUDE YOURSELF.!!!!
i'm gonna jump in here as someone from the other side of the fence. i am not an addict but the mother of three of them.
you CANNOT love him sober. you CANNOT do this for him. an addict is an addict is an addict...and they have to take responsiblity for their sobriety. you can make all the demands you want...tell him when to eat, when to sleep, what the think...but HE has to be the one who does this. sounds to me like he is basically living like someone who is in rehab...a CONTROLLED environment. what happens when he has to think for himself?
dont get me wrong...i think it is an admirable thing that you are doing...how you want to "change" him...help him. i just think you need to back off some and let him be the responsible party here. all i am reading is what YOU are making him do. HE has to do this or IN THE LONG RUN...it will never work!!!
you CANNOT love him sober. you CANNOT do this for him. an addict is an addict is an addict...and they have to take responsiblity for their sobriety. you can make all the demands you want...tell him when to eat, when to sleep, what the think...but HE has to be the one who does this. sounds to me like he is basically living like someone who is in rehab...a CONTROLLED environment. what happens when he has to think for himself?
dont get me wrong...i think it is an admirable thing that you are doing...how you want to "change" him...help him. i just think you need to back off some and let him be the responsible party here. all i am reading is what YOU are making him do. HE has to do this or IN THE LONG RUN...it will never work!!!
(sigh) Ok, I know I wrote alot so I'm sure this was just missed but here I go again:
1. HE is in therapy
2. He has a sponsor
3. He goes to meetings 3-5 times a week
4. He cut ties to all old friends
5. He's changed his phone number
6. He "cleaned his house"
7. Hes going to parenting classes
8. Hes working at making amends
Rape: I was taking 2 mg of Adavian and 3 mg of dulladid every 2-3 hours after my fusion. He had never seen me on medication. I'm out of it, but it's very hard to detect. He was and is ashamed of what happened. It's not like I was drunk and out of it... I am not making excuses, I'm stating the facts. I had a ton of medication in my system for 5 weeks.
As for me: Again, I have been in therapy since I was 17. I do not seek unhealthy relationships, I was happily married for 20 years. I've dated some wonderful people. As I stated, when I met Rob, it was as a friend, I never considered him someone I would date due to his insane life. However, I felt bad for him, and with my background I knew I could make a difference. He was never shown another way.. he was stuck in victim mentality. And you know the rest from there. If it makes people more comfortable to call it co dependency so be it.. I'll wear that title.. LOL.. if it means that all the people in my life who's life I've made a difference .. so be it. I was a case worker in the field of domestic violence. I was director of a sexual trauma after care program. I've never followed the rules.. Non profit has been my life, and my passion.. I consider my event filled life as a means of God giving me tools to be more emphatic to others, and see things a little different. I have mentored women in business, and been a advocate for victims rights. My being a product of sexual abuse will never change, HOWEVER, it's my CHOICE to not let that abuse rule my life.. to react to it.. because if I do that, I'm letting the abuse continue each and every day.. why the hell would I want to give someone that kind of power over me? and my life? Someone gave me a chance once.. and thats what I'm giving him.. a chance.. what he does with it is up to him...
I for sure did not think anyone was trying to be mean.. not for a moment.. it's very hard to explain the total picture via the internet.. and I'm very tired, trying to hold this baby inside of me. However:
1. I never ever ever ever ever ever once said marriage.. i didnt even think it.. lol.. that is NOT A OPTION on the table.. what he is working with right now is being a part of parenting this baby.. thats it. I do not trust him, he does have to prove himself.. He hurt me very very much and that pain just doesnt go away. I am not leading him on.. I tell him how I feel daily. You cannot enter into a relationship that is unbalanced and lack of respect on one end. I have no respect for him, and he knows that, and it's really sad.. but I see baby steps.. things most people wouldnt notice.. thats all you can hope for.. but I agree, I could nor would ever have a relationship that is unbalanced.
As for his marriage and why I said we do not have the same issues here is why.. the number one reason is I don't have sex for drugs.. that was a big issue with his marriage and his ex wife. I'm not sneaky, and I don't lie. I have to power to react or not to what goes on in my life.. I don't fight, I walk away.. period.. and don't look back.
I did kick his butt into recovery, however I cannot be the reason he stays, as I stated before. I'm doing this for my baby.. I would kick, scream and push to get him in the door.. now, weather or not he stays and gets with the program is up to him..
There seems to be two very different schools of thought on what I've done for him. But at the end of the day, I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror.. I know I've done everything in my power to get him on the right track.. that's all anyone can do. I don't believe in "rules" people are individuals and we all have different stories. I never in my life thought I would be on this side of things, but I know in the end, I will be a better person for going through this, it's my personal belief that through great pain comes the opportunity for even greater growth. It's our choice on what we do with the cards we are dealt. I chose to thrive than to merely survive.
1. HE is in therapy
2. He has a sponsor
3. He goes to meetings 3-5 times a week
4. He cut ties to all old friends
5. He's changed his phone number
6. He "cleaned his house"
7. Hes going to parenting classes
8. Hes working at making amends
Rape: I was taking 2 mg of Adavian and 3 mg of dulladid every 2-3 hours after my fusion. He had never seen me on medication. I'm out of it, but it's very hard to detect. He was and is ashamed of what happened. It's not like I was drunk and out of it... I am not making excuses, I'm stating the facts. I had a ton of medication in my system for 5 weeks.
As for me: Again, I have been in therapy since I was 17. I do not seek unhealthy relationships, I was happily married for 20 years. I've dated some wonderful people. As I stated, when I met Rob, it was as a friend, I never considered him someone I would date due to his insane life. However, I felt bad for him, and with my background I knew I could make a difference. He was never shown another way.. he was stuck in victim mentality. And you know the rest from there. If it makes people more comfortable to call it co dependency so be it.. I'll wear that title.. LOL.. if it means that all the people in my life who's life I've made a difference .. so be it. I was a case worker in the field of domestic violence. I was director of a sexual trauma after care program. I've never followed the rules.. Non profit has been my life, and my passion.. I consider my event filled life as a means of God giving me tools to be more emphatic to others, and see things a little different. I have mentored women in business, and been a advocate for victims rights. My being a product of sexual abuse will never change, HOWEVER, it's my CHOICE to not let that abuse rule my life.. to react to it.. because if I do that, I'm letting the abuse continue each and every day.. why the hell would I want to give someone that kind of power over me? and my life? Someone gave me a chance once.. and thats what I'm giving him.. a chance.. what he does with it is up to him...
I for sure did not think anyone was trying to be mean.. not for a moment.. it's very hard to explain the total picture via the internet.. and I'm very tired, trying to hold this baby inside of me. However:
1. I never ever ever ever ever ever once said marriage.. i didnt even think it.. lol.. that is NOT A OPTION on the table.. what he is working with right now is being a part of parenting this baby.. thats it. I do not trust him, he does have to prove himself.. He hurt me very very much and that pain just doesnt go away. I am not leading him on.. I tell him how I feel daily. You cannot enter into a relationship that is unbalanced and lack of respect on one end. I have no respect for him, and he knows that, and it's really sad.. but I see baby steps.. things most people wouldnt notice.. thats all you can hope for.. but I agree, I could nor would ever have a relationship that is unbalanced.
As for his marriage and why I said we do not have the same issues here is why.. the number one reason is I don't have sex for drugs.. that was a big issue with his marriage and his ex wife. I'm not sneaky, and I don't lie. I have to power to react or not to what goes on in my life.. I don't fight, I walk away.. period.. and don't look back.
I did kick his butt into recovery, however I cannot be the reason he stays, as I stated before. I'm doing this for my baby.. I would kick, scream and push to get him in the door.. now, weather or not he stays and gets with the program is up to him..
There seems to be two very different schools of thought on what I've done for him. But at the end of the day, I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror.. I know I've done everything in my power to get him on the right track.. that's all anyone can do. I don't believe in "rules" people are individuals and we all have different stories. I never in my life thought I would be on this side of things, but I know in the end, I will be a better person for going through this, it's my personal belief that through great pain comes the opportunity for even greater growth. It's our choice on what we do with the cards we are dealt. I chose to thrive than to merely survive.
I'm not a Dr. or a psychotherapist, but my gut tells me something is off here....way off. Just because you have the resume that you have doesn't necessarily mean that you are as clean as the driven snow. You say here that you were on a lot of medication for 5 weeks...in another post on another thread you said you were on this same heavy medication for 2 years.
I'm sorry and with all due respect....the story, several parts of it, just don't add up.
I won't attempt to tell you anything as you seem to have all the answers. However, I will wish you the very best and hope things work out well....for you, your baby and the baby's father.
I'm sorry and with all due respect....the story, several parts of it, just don't add up.
I won't attempt to tell you anything as you seem to have all the answers. However, I will wish you the very best and hope things work out well....for you, your baby and the baby's father.
I had gastric bypass in 2000. I almost died.. I went down to 75 pounds.. When the surgery was done the dr. pinched my vegas nerve so everything I ate and drank was vomited... the only way I could eat a bite was being medicated. After 2 years of being in the hospital on and off, losing my gall bladder and 2 bowl obstruction surgeries, I had my gastric by pass reversed and went off of all medication.
March 21, 2008, I had my cervical neck fused.. During my recovery from that I developed a staff infection.. I was very ill.. I found out I was pregnant after I had stopped my medication however, I would say there was 2 weeks I was pregnant and medicated..
They are two different events in my life..
Should have just asked.. it's not all that interesteing
March 21, 2008, I had my cervical neck fused.. During my recovery from that I developed a staff infection.. I was very ill.. I found out I was pregnant after I had stopped my medication however, I would say there was 2 weeks I was pregnant and medicated..
They are two different events in my life..
Should have just asked.. it's not all that interesteing
And if you re read.. I was not on the same medication.. for my neck it was dulliudae and adavain for my gastric by pass, where I was much sicker it was Oxyfast...
I forget was there a question here or something? or are u simply trying to justify or receive accolates for being the savior. Whatever makes u happy I suppose, personally I wouldn't waste my time baby or not.
Geez louise...this poor girl is probably not to thrilled she came here for advice...
Michelle, only you can make that desicion...I hope things work out for you in the long run....
Lisa
Michelle, only you can make that desicion...I hope things work out for you in the long run....
Lisa
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
