I'm trying to convince myself......

[broop1]

.......... Here it goes

Ive been on and off tramadol or other uppers for the past several years. Its been 3 days now and my life feels unmanageable. My house is a mess my kids are watching way too much t.v. and Im driving my wife up the wall.
I have a loss of energy, flu like symptoms, all the crap that comes with w/d. The thing that ***** is that I've been here before, I've made it all the way to 3 weeks with out. But as the pys. symps. go away the mental crap oh man. Thats the killer for me! My wife says tell the doc you need some anti depressants or something then I say its just replacing one pill for another. The thing is I am better when I'm on them, I mean in every aspect of my life.
     The reason I want to quit is not because they don't work, I want to quit because my wife, she is the greatest,toughest most awesome women I have ever been blessed by meeting. We where talking about us and our life together thus far, and she said" i know your knee is messed up but i feel like your only on this (holding my tram bottle) because your not happy, with us,me or the kids"  that was horrible! So i need to find out for her and for me! I can handle the phys. w/ds. Ive ran out before for weeks but its the mental stability that always brings me back. So what im trying to convince my self of is that it would be ok to take an anti depressant even tho that would be just a replacement .  oh and for people needing a energy supplement L-tyrosine  1000mg  and a monster it will get the house work done.  

Thanks  

[mandy129]

hey...i know where u    are comin from....my    husband totally saved my life andhas  stuc by me thru so much....I wanted to      let you    know that there is nothing wrong with   taking an              antidepressant....what makes you feel so bad mentally...lie ucant do   anything is the fact that after you have taken the pills and their fake endorphins for so lon it takes your body a while to start producin them    again naturally....wellbutrin xr worked great for me ...by the way i  am not illiterate but my keyboard is messed up...lol

[shiningstar500]

Sounds like you are on the right track with quitting. Have you gone to any meetings? Those would help you. I wish you the best and good luck!

[Ballgame]

You know the answer to this already. Do what it takes for your family. Get off the Tram and get some help.

[alexis11]

I've been on suboxen a while. Like well 2 months. An my lifes seem way better than before. I can deal way better with my family I was on vicodin and that seem to be really bad I was tiered all the time.  An didn't want to do ne thing at first they were gr8 I was going down a really bad road. But. Thank god someone cared or ealse.  I.   Would be way worse I like to come here cause a lot of people I know. Don't understand what its like to withdrawl or have the probs people like us do I willl pray for u an ur wife. Sincerley jen

[broop1]

"You're so worthless. You suck. You can't do anything. You are never going to be able to do this. Just give up. Come on. You're letting people down, keep pushing til you're so exhausted that you'll take a pill. You can't do it. You can't do _________. Everyone KNOWS you are withdrawing from __________. You junkie! You're so irresponsible. It's so selfish to NOT take a PILL and get you *** up and MOVING! Come on just take one. One won't hurt. How much more can you take, You're only human. You suck. No one likes you.  No one cares. No one is going to help you. You are ALONE. You are all alone. You're so empty and hollow, it would be better to take a pill. If you take one now, you could just try again later at a BETTER time to withdraw. Can't you SEE how HARD this is? No one could do this. You should be in a hospital or psych ward. You're not going to be able to do __________."

I just saw this on one of the journal postings and thought wow this is the best representation of the way I have felt for the last week.

[vicki595]

Broop~ Here's the thing...you've already been taking an antidepressant.  In addition to the opiate in Tramadol, there is an antidepressant chemically similar to Effexor.

So, when you stop the Tram, a series of chemical "events" occur causing you to feel awful. Talk to a doctor who knows about Tramadol. You don't have to feel like this.

You said you took uppers?  Still taking them?

[broop1]

Ok  so its about 9 pm here haven't slept good in 3 days.
I dont feel so bad physically but mentally jeez,
I'm anxious, when I talk to my wife about whats going on to try to help her understand.....
She makes me feel week, like I'm a pus. When we were talking she said I have had 2 c sections and i didnt even use my scripts............ You did! She is tough and she has never used anything. I mean nothing not even pot in H.S.
So how could she understand?  
This is my catch.
The longest Ive been clean in the past 5 years is maybe 2 months. That,s no nothing.
I know I can do this,but can we? There just seems like a lil too much on the plate right now. I feel like this is an unnecessary  burden on her. If it wasn't for my f%^d up life hers would be better.

[broop1]

uppers meaning trams, percs,and codine
and no have been totally clean since sunday at around 9 am that was my last tramadol

[vicki595]

Okay...keep in mind what I said about the Tramadol.  We have a member here who took massive doses. She quit c/t 7 months ago and is doing great!   She did go on an antidepressant after 1 month.  It made a big difference for her!   Just an FYI.   It's not comfortable going c/t off an antidepressant which is what you are essentially doing.

[broop1]

Thats the worst part for me.

What do you say to the Doc. ???
I mean I dont want to go to therapy, and all that I know whats the cause of my problem
but do you think the doctor will just say ok here you go take this and then write out a scrip

[broop1]

"If it wasn't for my f%^d up life hers would be better. "

Wow did i actually write that out loud ?? talk about a pity party  lol
I want to do this.

[janet19]

It is great that you feel for your wife the way you say. I am sure she doesn't understand how addicting pills can be. I would suggest that she attend a few Alanon meetings, they are everywhere and she can probably find one in your area. It is for people who live with addicts and alcoholics. She can get some great input there. Thus she would be able to help you get clean, understanding is the key thing for her.

As for you it is great that you see what you are doing. You can get clean and you and your family deserve that. Don't ever say that you are not worth it, because you are. You have a wonderful family who loves you. The wife would  not still be there if she did not love you.  So please just keep telling yourself that you are worth it. You can get clean, but it will take a lot of inner strength and determination.

As for the anti-depressant if it works and you feel better, why would you not want to take it? Depression is also a disease and can effect anyone. People get depressed who are not addicts. Depression is real and from things you are saying it would appear that you are depressed. I say take the darn anti-depressants and get moving with your life. You and your family can once again function and find that happiness again. Never be ashamed or feel guilty because you need an anti-depressant to feel better. You evidently have a chemical imbalance and the anti-depressants when you take them are working. The depression could or could not be from addiction. But you deserve to feel good. I would not consider taking an anti-depressant trading on drug for another when the other is a pain med.

I hope you find that balance in your life and stay on the road with detoxing from the tram and put that in the pass and concentrate on your life. But as you know an addict is always an addict and you will have to stay away from all addictive meds such as painkillers, benzo's....etc.

God Bless

[vicki595]

Just tell the doctor the truth. You feel depressed. You've been taking Tramadol. You feel you need an antidepressant. Just talk and hear what he/she says.  If they know anything about Tramadol,the pen will hit the pad pretty fast!

Pity parties are common. I've been to a few of my own!!

[gnarly_1]

Hey dude....just wanted to encourage you to stick this thing out....you can beat this addiction
if I can walk away from 16 1/2 yrs on the stuff you can do it to wile your kids are still young
and you still have your wife....lissen to Vicki she knows what she is talking about a antidepressant will make a world of difference ...I never took tram been on every other pill and spent 6 1/2 yrs on methadone....sometimes you dont just get better over night
it can take some time...it took me 90 days just to start to feel better then slowly I came off of its spell....I have herd horror storys of people coming off of tram...most of the successful members went on antidepressants to counteract the side effects of trams withdrawal we have a member that will come along and see your post she has recovered from tram her nic is tramhater I will send her a message so she finds your post she cwill be more then helpful to you wile your trying to do this...right now do your best to keep a positive attitude going it will help more then anything else you can do....the sleep thing su cks but its all part of the withdrawal try not to get discouraged this is hard to do but it is doable keep posting for support good luck and God bless.......Gnarly    

[broop1]

I am gonna talk to the doc.
what the hell Ive already put tons of horrible crap in my body that did nothing but damage,
whats it gonna hurt to put something that might actually help.
As far as the actual pain that you where prescribed the drugs for..... what did you do for it?
My right knee was severely damaged in a motor cycle accident,
That was the original reason for the prescription.

[Punkinhead75]

Hi broop,

When I quit drinking and drugging I wanted to be all clean too.  The bottom line was I needed something to help with the depression.  I didn't want to but after struggling for a few months I decided to listen to some suggestions and go on zoloft.  While I was on it I was able to get a good look at myself and do some "house cleaning" so to speak.  I only had to take it about 5 months.  I've been doing pretty well.  A few bumps in the road as far as the pity pot and depression go but still clean and sober.   My wife is also kinda tough.  Not always giving of the compassion or support.  I learned to talk to others about what was going on with me until I could better handle talking to her.  Good lock!!

[LeaAnn807]

Hi!!!  I think maybe vicki is talking about me!!!! : )

I went on an AD in April after I quit HUGE, massive dose of tramadol in March.  I didn't really want to take it, like you, but I could see that it was far better than what I had been doing to poison myself, so why not try?  I did, and it made a big difference.  It isn't instant help, and you have to be patient and know that it will work.  That was the hardest part for me.  

Tramadol will kill you!!!  No doubt.  The best thing you could do at this point is never touch it again.  You will feel better, but it may take a little bit!  It's worth the wait!

[vicki595]

Yes,Trama Honey, I was talking about you!!

Broop~  Let us know how you're doing!  Tramahater has a lot of experience with coming off of Tramadol and will hold your hand the whole way...she knows all "the tricks"!

Also,"Madtram" may post to you. These women KNOW !

Good luck~

[broop1]

I feel good this mourning, I took some Tylenol pm last nigh and was able to sleep.
I did a quick ween so most of the physical side affects have subsided already, Just a grouch now.
The hardest part for me is not getting off its staying off, ive gone weeks before but can never totaly made it over the last hump. I think that if i can get a anti- depressant it may get me past the hump. Hope so anyways.  

[LeaAnn807]

OMG.....I was SO like that!  I could make it though the hard physical part, but I went back every time.  I went though that every month for several months until I got really sick of it.  You can stay off.  And you can do it this time and never have to go though it again.  It helped me to remember that it never made me feel good anymore to take pills, but it always made me feel worse to have WDs! : )  

Talk to your doctor about an AD.  It could make all the difference!

[livngr8ful]

broop1,  I've spent way to much time trying to make decisions about taking a medication for a real reason.  I have had 5 major surgeries on my spine.  With that I spent  quite a bit of time abusing the med's, getting mad stopping and resuming later on.  Last month was when I got on here. I had some people say walk from them and others say if ya have a legitimate reason, take what you need.  It drove me crazy, it drove my wife nuts.  I made the decision to keep on the meds and stop beating the crap out of myself. So I made an appointment a few weeks a go and re-start the med's.  I was off for 2-3 week's, wasnt counting as I figured Id start again.  Them something happened.  I stopped thinking about the med's because I had my appointment and knew it was on its way.  The appointment slipped my mind, and I haven't taken now for a long while.  I simply gave up the argument I was having in myself.  If you are going to take something for your issues, do it.  But do it with total confidence, dont second guess.  I let time do it's thing and it all comes together at a point.  Then you see you are fine, and life has a great way of coming together for all people. Dont let this consume you.  Your time and family are way more important.  Sometimes we all need to think in a world beyond the addiction.  The point of this whole thing is... We need to control our addictions, not the addictions control us.  It's small steps, take a minute and just let it be what it is.  And then with patience that minute turns to hours, days, weeks, and month's. Yes we are addicts but it cant control our lives. It will always be apart of us forever, but it does not need to be the largest factor.  Take your wife to dinner, spend a night talking about life, not medications, or addictions, or problems, just the small things that make you you and her her.  You and her deserve a break from the consuming thought process of recovery. That does not say take a break and get loaded. Give your self a break from the thoughts.  I found if I could do that from time to time, things were much clearer when I had to talk about a decision, or a problem with this.  Our loved ones are as tired of this as we are.  It's like a little kid saying are we there yet? And no we are not, but we are driving in the direction we need to go. Hit the cruise control, have faith, and don't run out of gas, that will make the trip longer.  It is only the way I started to see things.  I forced and beat up every thing I did.  I had to let go and let my life play out, with out the drug's. And here I am happy clean, and still driving forward.  I just now have more gas to keep going.  

[vicki595]

I thought it interesting that you wrote "mourning" instead of "morning".  Freud at work!!

The thing that will keep you clean is after care. Meetings or therapy or support group...
anything!  But you have to have something...a lot of us know it now after trying and failing so many times.  Think about it,okay?

The antidepressant will help,I'm sure,but it's not a panacea. We WORK at staying clean!

[broop1]

This is craziness, I cant function, I go from smiles to screams over nothing.
This is why I never stay off. I act stupid, i freek out on my wife about BS and then its a hail of bullets.
I feel like i could do it but no one will even give me a chance to get all the way through it.
I need time, to relax to not have to chase my kids, Im literally going nuts, I feel like i should be doing something, but i don't want to get up,
Its my wifes day off today so we do our thing go to lunch cause the girls are out of school.
Come home and she falls asleep, I feel like my skeleton is gonna jump out of my skin and run down the street and she goes to sleep! My kids are all amped and wanna do something, so I freek out and say "what the hell why do you need to sleep you where out by 8:30 last night and I haven't got any real sleep in days." then you know so on and so on . I really dont know if its me or her? What level of support should I get? When I get on edge and say something to her she mocks me and says its not my fault you cant handle your issues without drugs. What should i expect from her ? I just want a chance to really be done  with this stuff but will my relationship survive?

[livngr8ful]

I was reading your post and I felt the same way.  I found with time that it's because she had no idea what I was going through.  I talked but it was limited to I feel nasty, frustrated, ant to take something, just the basics.  I dont know your relationship.  I know that until I opened up to her about this, she didnt understand.  If you have it in you and are ready for her to be a piece to this puzzle, mostly if she is ready.  Maybe you can involve her.  I spent alot of time writing on paper my thoughts.  I handed them over to her to read, she chose to read them.  Then a better understanding of how I felt.  It needs to be a decision between you two.  It's a gigantic step to involve your spouse. But my wife is my best friend, and I trust and love her.  And I found it was unfair of me to ask what I was asking for with out all the information. Kinda like telling a doctor you think ya broke a bone, without saying where.  It's alot of work to sift through all the feelings and emotion for her.  But if you and her are ready it could be a step that may help both of you understand and start the healing process.  You love her, and care deeply for her.  You say it in most posts.  Maybe, she needs to see to understand.  Its a step and a big one.  But it does help in healing, and understanding.  I know it did for us.  Steven