Life after vicodin addiction but still in pain.

[humpday]

i am in a terrible and scaring situation. At the age of 20 years of age (year 1990), i had my first back surgey. I was prescribed vicodin and as I began feeling better, I found myself no longer taking them. I went on with my life having my first child a year later. Every blue moon I took a pill, if once a month. I think because i was young and so busy, i never paid attention to the euphoric affect of the medication.Now I  would like to give a little background. I am 5'11, 2 sisters 5'10. One of my sisters had 1 laminectomy (back surgery), My other sister had 2 laminectomies and lumbar fusion. She lastly had to have back surgery to remove the screws from the fusion because the screws were irritating a nerve (totally 4 surgeries). My brother (6'3) had 1 laminectomy. My dad (6'5) had 2 laminectomies.

Fast forward to 2004, married now with 3 children, I began suffering tremendous pain that was uncontrollable with prescription. i was hospitalized for a week when I was told I needed to have a lumbar fusion. i had the surgery and was in the hospital for an additional week. I week home with fentanyl patches, vicodin and flexeril. Used the fentanyl for 2 weeks. Wore a brace for 3 months and continued taking the vicodin and flexeril as needed. I was taking medication as prescribed but also noticed the euphoric side effect this time. I began taking 750's for 2 years then the 1000's for a year. I ended with taking 8 pills a day. I had been taking them ever since up until 4-8-07 when I knew I was addicted. With help from my husband, i went thru withdrawls and was mad at myself for being in that situation. I stopped on my own and haven't taken anymore. but I have always been scared because I don't have a plan B. I have been have pain without medication. And I don't know how much longer I can do this. I feel like I am suffering. It is now getting cold and I am really suffering from pain. The ups and downs physically on my job, I'm scared to take anything. But I am tired of suffering with pain. I am too ashamed to tell my physician that was having an addiction problem with the meds. I just told her that i was feeling better and that i didn't need the meds. My concern also is that this back issue icould be some sort of family problem. Is that possible? What am I to do for pain relief when I have legitimate pain?

[hillary5]

hey there ... i was reading your story and wanted to say I DO believe back problems are genetic .. Now, this is all from my fathers side .. His mother has had back problems for years but she is 91 yrs old and cannot have surgery.  She does get steroid shots though ... My youngest brother - 6'3 has had two laminectomies before he was 18 ... My dads sister had two, her son and daughter both had 2 laminectomies and one had to have a fusion.  My dad finally had surgery for his, he's 6ft ... He had delt w/the pain for 30 something yrs and wz afraid to have the surgery - fear of not being able to walk ... I got a call from the surgeon who did all of our surgeries ( should of got a family discount, ya think ) right after my dad had his saying he couldn't feel anything from his chest down .. they had every neurologist, dr, specialist to look at him and could not figure out what the prob wz ... the mri, cat scan, x-rays, nothing showed a problem ... they finally ended up putting him upside down for a while to see if that would releive any pressure and did another mri, showed he had an air bubble trapped up in the neck area ... finally massaged it out and he had feeling again, thank god!!!!  But they had never seen this happen before out of all the surgeries that he had done.  The dr who did the surgery was the head of nuerology thruought all of the oakwood hospitals ... they ended up calling my dad a couple of wks later asking permission to use his name in the journal of medicine for the particular problem they ran into after surgery ... I myself who is 5'9, just under 5'10 had 2 laminectomies ... also had 2 children afterwards ... boy that wz scary .. wasn't sure my back was going to hold up but it did ... i had to take 1 to 2 pain pills aday especially w/my 2nd pregnancy since i still had a baby to take care of and getting bigger and bigger every day ... My mom also has deg disc disease ... so, i honestly do believe all of this runs in the family ... your proof of it, i'm proof of it ... i have 2 brothers, and the one has not had a problem at all w/his back ... lucky him!!!

i don't know if you've heard of suboxone?  it can be used for both addiction and for pain .. i mainly use it for addiction to opiates but it does greatly help w/the aches and pains i have in my back from the surgeries ... every surgery you have for your back your chances of arthritis goes up by 10% ... yuck! plus i have a slight bulging disc in my neck - doesn't bother me too much .. actually less than being on the pain pills ... so .... maybe you could ck into it and talk to your dr to see if it may help for you ... it just might .. but not all dr's can prescribe this medication ... ck www.suboxone.com or www.naabt.org to get all the information you need to make a decision .. good luck  to you and your family ... hope everyone is feeling okay since their surgeries .... thx!!!! traci

[kimmiek]

Thanks humpday, I hope you do too, your pain problems sound alot worse than mine.  Like beentrying said, dont beat yourself up, you have legit pain.  Could your husband hold them for you and give you one when you need it but not for recreational use? ; or if you need them on a daily maintaince schedule, give you them when your supposed to have them? Its not good to live in cronic pain.  Its really hard to be happy and function when we are in pain.  I too am married and I have 4 children.  I have to be alert and involved with my kids cause I home school two of them, so I know how you feel, it feels sometimes like a catch 22 - guilt of pain meds or live in pain.  It stinks!!!!

[beentrying2quit]

Are you stressed, have LOTS of anxiety?  I too have legitimate pain issues with plantar faciitis that OTC meds wont help with so I am Lortbas.  I'm prescribed 4 a day but usually only take 2.  For the longest time I was really worried about being an addict which raised my anxiety which in turn would raise my pain level.  

The past few months I have worked on my anxiety at home and at work.  I am responsible for contracts that sometimes range in the $1m level so anxiety is a real problem for me.  What I am trying to say is, dont beat yourself up if you have legitimate pain problems and need the opiates...alot of us need them.

Your problem is ABUSE! It will be lots of work but you can get this under control.

[humpday]

good for you kimmiek. you sound like your efforts are moving in the right direction and soon will pay off. you found your balancebthatbyou are comfortable with.  i hope to find mine

[kimmiek]

Hi I have bad neck and back pain, buldging discs in my neck and lower lumbar and flattening of my spinal cord in my neck. I have constant muscle spasms in my neck/shoulders area.  I was taking meds for over three years.  I got a little out of control, taking them too fast.  So, I tapered off the last two weeks, went through withdrawals and got my tolerance way down.  I cant function with my pain, so when I got my meds delivered, I have my husband hold them and he gives me my daily alotment.  Its a third of what Im aloud to take.  I started that on Monday and its working.  I know thats not a long time, but Ive NEVER been able to do that in the last 3 1/2 years!  I think since I got through the wd's and got my tolerance down, and I dont want to abuse them for the rest of my life its working this time.  Also, I started walking on my treadmill and although I have some muscle pain and my neck is hurting, Im hoping it'll make me stronger and I can someday live pain free without meds.  But for now, I have legit pain and I feel ok about thaking what I take for pain and not for recreation.  

[humpday]

i know that i have a lot to be thankful for and thank you alllllll for your encouraging words. I just think about where i'd come from (hell hole) and where i am now. I can't believe i made it this far. That ugly place of hiding pills under my pillow. Wearing my house gown with pockets to keep the pills in until i torn a hole in it then pinned the underside of it so i could continue placing the pills there. Popping pills at work, in the break room, behind someone's back. I took them with no water at work often because i wanted the pill right then i didn't want to wait to get water. My husband always thought everything was ok because i go to church and just my up bringing. I don't touch alcohol. But the last 2 months into the addiction. He said "YOU ARE ADDICTED". Ooooooh, I got so angry with him. I told him off and said 'you were there with everything i went through' How dare you! And thats when the biggest dose of reality came. Then came withdrawls and regrets. Why did I move into our new home this way? I need to transfer my job!! Everything reminded me of the vicodin. In my bedroom watching tv. I would take them. I TOOK THEM EVERYWHERE. my second day with out them was bible study day. I took them with me to church because I was so afraid of being in that controlled environment knowing that inside of me was so out of control. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to handle it. It was a struggle but i did it. I was so sad because i thought i would always think about it and want it and I did until moments, i mean short moments went by and didn't think about it. Now i trip out thinkining how the drug governed my life. I used to look at the clock to see how to stretch my pills every 2-3 hours. Now thankfully its dfferent. It is all different.

I enjoy walking, however physical therapy has never worked for me. I bought a new mattress, try to get the best supportive shoes. AND JUST PRAY!  It was sooooo hard that I can't go there again EVER!!!

I am still scared to tell my doctor. She believed the phasod too. If I tell her the truth she may treat me like an ex-addict and would always precautious of me and may not give me anything when i really do needed. I've heard it and seen it everywhere how some docs treat their patients as seeking addicts etc. I just do want to compromise or further jeopardize my own medical care.

[chawk47]

I am 40 yr old male with similar issues as you. I have been on the lortab 10's for over 5+ years. Really never went over my dosage perscrbed by my doctor(sometimes did and like most of us found ways of getting more).I have stopped cold turkey approx 40 days ago. I felt so strong and great as each day went by knowing i was beating this addiction/dependence.Now I am am facing the real reason i got hooked on them to begin with....my back pain(ruptured discs/fused vertabrate). The first few weeks i associated it with the withdrawls...but now that it has been so long off of them i know it is not a "false" pain but the actual pain of my injuries/surgeries. I do not an pray i will not go back to them. Every day i keep telling myself that i am stronger than this and will just deal with the pain. It has only been a week to two i have had to deal with this so i can not honestly say what my reactions will be 6 months...one year....2 years from now. Will I be able to fight through it that long? Or will I finally say enough is enough and go back. I hope and pray i will just gut it out and deal with it. I just dealt with it for many years before my diagnosis and surgeries but i was alot younger then (in my 20's) and seemed to be able to deal with it a lot easier than i do now. Mostly because i was a lot more active and excersised so  much more then than now that my natural endorhins probably did a lot of work for me too. With that in mind I have been walking/jogging every other night to every night trying to get my endorphins to work again. I do have to admit that on those nights my w/d symtoms are not nearly as bad and the pain truly subsides so I can at least sleep for 4-5 hours per night. At this point in time I can not ever imagine taking another narcotic for pain again just knowing what i have and am going through getting off of them after so many years of  use. One other major point I had noticed when on the drugs...days that i did not take a dose or go above my perscribed dose i would hurt really bad . I would say to myself" well you dummy you skipped a dose you should not have done that....even when you were actually feeling ok earlier on in the day. Looking back on it now after going through the withdrawls and not knowing this then.....i was actually starting the withdrawl from the drug (even if it was 6-10 hours without it)and it was more of a false pain at that time than my actual back pain. When i realized this i got so angry with the doctors for not informing of this information(about the dependence and withdrawls you WILL experience even if just missing a dose after such prolonged use of the drug.) I then could have made the decision before ever starting the drug weather or not i would like to chance those issues or not.  I never had THAT CHOICE and now have had to go through the hardest thing in my life getting off these things and who knows the permanent damage i may have done to my body....oh yeah and my back not being cured either...the whole reason i was medicated!!! It may of been different and a easier choice if they said ..oh yea and at the end of the 5+ years of taking this drug you will go through hell and back getting off of the pills ...but hey your back problems and pain would be gone forever!!! NOT SO !!! So they should have never let it go on for so long!!  I am not putting all the blame on the medical/pharmacutical industries because i could have realized this so much earlier on my own than i did, but by then it is to late your hooked!!  I really hope you can try to cope with the pain and also seek out some alternative meds...non-narcotic. They may not ever compare to what we were all taking but it may lessen the actual pain we are feeling enough to just get by and deal with it. This is what i am praying for and hoping i will be able to find as well. Like i stated earlier right now the w/d's are so fresh in my mind and body i can never ever imagine taking another  pain pill again in my life...I just hope i can be this strong and those w/d experiences will stay with me months years down the road so i will not go back to it to ease my pain. Has anyone been off of them for that long of a period that actually had pain issues to know what they had done or if they had been able to put their pain issues aside and not go back to them? take care and caht with you all soon ...Chawk

[avisg]

PLZ talk to you doctor about this .. I have cronic pain as well and some days really sucks.... I don't take pain meds anymore . Not to say I don't want to, for a few hours last night the pain in my face and neck was so bad I would have sold my soul for a little pain relief.
  If you explain this to your doctors he my be able to help you with some alternative ways to help manage the pain.
PLZ don't be ashamed there are many people her that have real pain and that become addicted to the meds.
Avis

[road2recovery]

i am so sorry...Reading your story made me feel so bad for taking them when i had no pain..You cannot live with all this pain..What about if you have your husband hold them for you and give them to you as needed..Now you will probably still go through some w/d's but then you have to do what you need for today..
All i can say, is that we are humans, i will not live in pain..I would have to have my husband give them to me though..
Good  luck
R2R

[allaboutmary]

Ditto here. Keep going back because of pain. I think you really need to tell your doctor just what you told us, hard I know. It also does sound like a heriditary thing going on with your family. I wish you the best of luck. Wish I had more answers for you but I am in same mess. Keep your chin up.

[Boo87]

God bless you, I know what you're going through. I quit taking them on several occasions only to start again because like you, I have genuine pain management issues. Now, having started back taking them (Vicodin) they have complete control over my life. when my Rx runs out in 20 days I have 10 days of hell, sometimes lying and shopping DRs to get more. I guess it all depends on how much pain you are in .For me it is night and day,a matter if functioning or not. If this is the case with you as well, I think we are doomed to try and take the pills and pray that we get sick enough of the ups and downs that come with abuse that we figure out a way to take them responsibly. With me, each Rx fill I tell my self "this time I'm gona do the right thing " of-course I don't and it starts all over again. This is not our disease or affliction but it is just another part of the problem. finally I would say keep trying to go without until you can't,  then try to take them responsibly.

All the best.