Need to stop, no excuses

[twolve]

Hi everyone I was on this site last summer when I kicked my first oxy habit for about 4 months, and ended up gaining so much confidence that I was able to convince myself that "one more time" wouldnt hurt anyone..boy was i wrong..last summer I quit doing 40-80 mg daily. That continued for my last year in college but now this summer I graduated and got a real job and started doing 120-160 mgs for the past few weeks. I just reached the point where every time I touch an oxy I am disgusted with myself. Doesn't do what it used to for me. Every time I wake up in the morning without them I throw up pure stomach acid. It is kinda like a one time thing and then I feel better, has this happened to anyone? Nobody close to me aside from a friend or two is aware of what I am doing and I want to quit without anyone knowing, do you guys think I can do this or will the wds be too bad? Last summer I worked thru my wds and it wasnt fun but I made it and I felt so good about myself for doing it. This time the wds will be worse, i know that, but I dont want to die, i have way too much to live for, and never intended on getting this deep. What can i do?

[dominosarah]

I am so happy for you!!!  You do sound very committed this time.  It feels so good to take back your life........We will be here for you every step of the way!!!          sara

[twolve]

Thank you sarah..I remember you from last summer as well..I have good news for you. Number 1) I am completely committed and will be posting here every day and Number 2) My "friend" is not a part of my life anymore and currently lives across the country and we dont even speak. He was more of an acquaintance due to pills rather than a true friend.

[dominosarah]

Check out the amino acids too in the health pages.  We need to replenish our bodies after all the abuse we have done to it.  You do know the drill in getting clean.  Now you need to make a plan to stay clean.  We have to change alot of things in our life to succeed.  Your "friend" is one of them.  Surround yourself with people that will support you in your sobriety.  We really find out who our friends are during this time.  You are the No 1 priority here and you need to do whatever it takes to stay clean.  You can do this........Stick around here and keep posting!!!  As i said before to you it is nice to see you again!!!           sara

[twolve]

Hey gizzy..I just told myself "one more time"..I actually got talked into it by a friend, but truly we are the ones that make the final decision and I caved in and here I am. I have honestly not done the entire Thomas Recipe, I may try that out...I am done with these pills for good, I honestly want no part of them anymore..I remember from the last time I quit that you need to truly want to quit in order to be successful..Well for the first time in a while, I truly don't want to do a pill ever again.

[gizzy32]

Welcome back twolve. I have always said addiction is progressive, it just gets worse and worse, it did for me anyway. What caused your relapse last time? You have done this before so you can do it again. Have you ever tried the thomas recipe to help with w/d's? It's time to get off these once and for all dude, so come up with a plan and stick to it. Aftercare is so important. Good luck!

[peaceinknowing]

I think it's safe to say that we all have done the pills just to function. It isn't like we're chasing that first high anymore, and instead it's almost as though we needed them just to feel what we thought to be normal. I commend you for coming back here to the forums and being honest with everyone. It isn't easy to do, but just know that nobody here is judging you. It's been done a million and one times before -- you know this by now.

On the subject of wanting to get off the pills, just do it then. I don't mean for that to sound harsh, but we all know that there are no severe punishments when we go CT from the narcotics; Especially with the amount you've taken this time around. You're not going to die and you won't end up in a gutter somewhere. You'll have the flu like symptoms once again and after the first few days, you'll be on your way to feeling [truly] normal once again. I wouldn't suggest the tapering method though, only because I've realized from firsthand experience that if the pills are accessable to me, they will be eaten just as fast as they're placed in my posession.

Good luck with everything!

[worried878]

often a person increases use with each relapse...but this time u know the drill...if ur dose has only been increased for a few mths u should be ok,,,u wont die going ct from a narcotic..u may die if u continue at thae rate u r going..there is no end to this unless u step forward and end it urself..it gets worse and worse..never better..u could taper..but for most addicts that is tough...either way..make a plan..pick a QUIT day...and go for it!...good luck and keep posting

[twolve]

It's so hard because I don't even do these pills anymore to get high. I am doing them to function and not get fired from work. I had a scheduled day off during the week and i called in sick the day before and I was going to use those two days to get started and I failed both days and I am currently just in this fog. I feel like I have two paths in front of me right now and I am doing everything I can to be on ther right path, but the devil inside my brain is forcing me the other way..

[starladarling]

I'm also trying to quit after relapse.  Seemed so easy at first.  Now it's worse than impossible.  I can't wait to see what other people say who have gotten through.  It is so beyond hard this time.  I go to NA meetings and have friends there now but it's not quite enough.
I broke my foot this weekend and refuse to go to the dr because i know the only real reason I would be going is for drugs.  I have the walking boot they'll give me.  I have had this happen before when I was using where I'd fall terribly.  It happened again this weekend (not using) but spurred more bad stuff.
so frustrated.