opioid addiction

[addicted123]

I need help. I am 26, and since I was 19, I became addicted to pills. I started off on Oxycontin 40mg. I was stealing then from my grandfather, and also his Percocet 15 and 10mg. It was a good run for about a year until my grandmother caught on, and had me arrested, with no jail time, and the felony was later expunged. But, that didn't stop me. I was still stealing pills just to get high every second of every day. They finally kicked me out, and I moved back home. What was my first move? I stole my mom's prescription for Vicodin. My brother sat me down to talk about my problem, and told me that if I needed them that badly, to give him the money and he will buy them for me. I did not want him to know how much of them I was taking, so I bought through a friend who supplied me with Percocet 10mg. I literally would go through about 20 of them within 2 1/2 days. My friend was eventually locked up for dealing, so I was forced to go through my brother, which I still do now. I've thought a million times about quitting, but I don't even know how I would function daily without them. I've been abusing them for almost 10 years now. I am on Paxil 20mg to help with my anxiety, but it is not enough. I "steal" money from mine and my boyfriends bank account in order to support my addiction. I cannot hold a job, because when I am going through withdrawals, I cannot function for anywhere between 7-10 days. Everything hurts on me and inside of me when I am not on some type of pain killer. I neglect my life, my boyfriend, our home, any responsibility there is, I'm neglecting it when I'm not high. I no longer have my own vehicle or license because all and any money goes to my addiction. My boyfriend of 4 1/2 years has no idea. He believe I am only suffering from major depression and anxiety. My brother is the only person that knows. And my grandparents, obviously. What is written in this post has never been told to another person, other than my brother. I need to stop. But I don't know how. How do you kick this? Vicodin I can easily take up to 10-15 a day, and still not be high enough. Percocet, the same. I don't know how I became this person, and I don't know how to get back to myself anymore. How do I talk to a doctor about my addiction? Almost didn't mention the fact that I also go to my Dr literally crying of non existent pain just to get pain pills. Also, the ER. Which in the last year, I've had anywhere between 10-18 visits just to get pain pills. I even faked the symptoms of Endometriosis just to get the surgery and be prescribed pain pills afterwards. I am so sick, I'll do almost anything to get them. How do I talk to a doctor about it and get help??

[addicted123]

I will. Hopefully my Dr has some good suggestions, then! Also, even when I am high, I think of all the time I've already wasted, and how many events, and people I've brushed off because I wasn't high, and couldn't function. I can't live like that any longer. Hell, I feel like most of my life is gone already! Withdrawals ARE the worst! And every time it seems like they just get worse and worse!! The only thing that helps me get even an hour or so of sleep when I'm withdrawing is if I smoke marijuana. Which is something I don't like doing too often cause that high isn't the high I'm looking for. Whenever I think about my addiction, I always go back to the very first day I picked up my grandfather's bottle of perks and oxys, and wish I could go back in time and make myself not go near them. I didn't even know what the heel either of those pills were until I asked my boyfriend (at that time) because he had asked me to bring him ibuprofen. I was on the phone with him and his brother-in-law, and was like "Uh hey guys what the hell are these!?" Completely oblivious to what would happen after that. I remember it clear as day. I remember everything about that very first time coming across them, and not knowing what they were or how it could take over my life in an instant. It makes me so sick!

[Krissy_123]

OMG yes,I Remeber detoxing. I HATED being touched! Hated it!!! I was hot I was cold. I would cry I would scream. It's not something I'll ever forget,but this helps me stay clean too. I don't want that again. I do promise you though that at about 12 days and even a few days prior a lot of that let's up. I know it's hard,gosh do I know! But love,it WILL get better. Yes 10 pills a day is a lot but nothing most of us didn't take with our tolerance. The older you get the harder the w/d's will get. You're so young,I'm 8 years older than you and I don't want to hear of you wasting anymore of your beautiful life away. You'll regret it. We don't ever get that time back. I missed so much. I've learned to not dwell on it,but it's still hard.

[Krissy_123]

Erggg,Hun this is a hard one to comment on. First subs are a VERY strong opioid. You should never take them unless prescribed. (I know being an addict,we take what we can get) subs are usually taken for a short period or even given in detox/rehab to help with w/d and cravings. BUT you have to work the program well taking them,otherwise it's just pointless. You might as well stay on the other meds. Because the detox from subs is 10 times worse. Depending on the length you are on them. I would personally try the cold turkey first. I know you're doc shopping and buying them off the streets. This is where subs can be a good thing. Because you don't want to end up dead or in jail! But talk to your doc tomorrow,hopefully you have a good one and they will have some options for you. :))

[addicted123]

Also, I am a frequent flier when it comes to hot baths multiple times a day with salts. When I have days with no pills, everything hurts. Everything is uncomfortable. My skin itself literally hurts. Anything touching me or being near me is a huge bother. I can't sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend because I DON'T  sleep. I just toss and turn, cry, and sweat, and get fevers. I am never comfortable without having at least 9-10 pills in me a day. I hate it.

[addicted123]

Thank you very much!! That makes me feel a lot better about going now. And thank you also for advising that I should tell them that only I am to have access to my records!

[addicted123]

Oh I know exactly what you mean! Last Wednesday I bought $300 worth of Vicodin, because I had a kids birthday coming up at an amusement park, then father's day stuff the next day - was going to another amusement park with my step dad and the family. So I kept telling myself "I need to make them last til the weekend so I can get through it." Mind you, I bought them on a Wednesday. I was completely out by Saturday afternoon, in the middle of my friends kids party. Never did I feel so low in my life. Plus, the Saturday-Tuesday prior I was buying 10 a day to hold me over until I received my unemployment that Wednesday when I spent the $300. That was when I realized my problem. But what really made me definitely realize it (of course when I ran out I brushed off my realization as usual) was this past Sunday. Was bugging my brother all day long to find me vics, because I made up an excuse again to take another $50 out of the bank - I told my boyfriend my brother needed to borrow it. My brother kept brushing me off all day until I just showed up at his house. He wouldn't let me come inside to see my sister in law and nephew until he talked to me about quitting. This, coming from my brother who has been supplying me and binging on them as well for the past 3 1/2 years was a huge slap in the face. I just listened as he talked about our problem, and that he had already begun to quit, weeks prior, and was getting Suboxine off a close friend (he is uninsured and also not working, and cannot afford the prescription) he made me give my money back to my boyfriend, and told me to tell my boyfriend that my brother did not need to the money after all, and he got me a Suboxine. He explained to me what it is, and what it does. It took him well over an hour to convince me to take it home with me. I did not want it. I wanted my high. I wanted to be able to come home in a stupidly happy mood, be able to clean the house, and enjoy the night with my boyfriend. I took it. Before I left my brother's house, he cut it into 4 quarters, and told me to put one under my tongue. It was absolutely disgusting. My 30 minute drive home consisted of me hating my brother for ruining everything, and giving me something that was not helping. But then the hatred eased up, and by the time I got home I was happy. I was not high, but I felt okay. I felt okay all night long, and even when I woke up this morning. Is this something I can tell the Dr I am going to see tomorrow?

[Krissy_123]

With my hubby I just told him that with all the surgeries I became addicted. Unless you're an addict it's so hard for them to understand what we are going through. It's not like we enjoy living that life. It sux,it's a full time bloody job trying to find and get them dang pills. Counting pills to see if you have enough to get to that one day when you no you have to be somewhere really important and can't function without them. But you no in the end you'll make up some excuse and tell them you can't be there for some reason you'll think of. That's what I was tired of. It consumed my whole entire life. I couldn't do it anymore. I'd ran out early,And new I had 13 days until I could pick up my script. I finally just said eff it and new I was going to go into w/d's anyway so figured I'd try to quit. The ppl on here convinced me to call and cancel my script. I did,and it was the hardest thing I ever did. I wanted them so bad,I was so sick. But I just told myself,what does it matter if I go get them anyway? I'll be right back here again in the same predicament in a couple weeks. I didn't want to do anymore. I stalked up on immodium,Popsicles,Gatorade,melatonin(for sleep. A natural pill,from Costcos) Epsom salts(for hot baths,I'd have 3-4a day. It helps the restless legs) I also got netflix and watched tons and tons of movies,it's hard to sleep the first few weeks. You can do this. I know you're scared of n/a because you think it will set your triggers off. This is so not the case. We don't sit there and talk about how good our high was and all the fun we had on our docs. It's a place where you can get to the root of your issue of why you take these pills. You don't even have to talk. Just go and listen,you won't believe how that feeling of being alone in the world dissipates. It's nice to know you're not the only one that's done crazy sh!t to get your meds. You CAN do this! You're ready,you wouldn't have reached out for help otherwise. xox

[jlannspr]

I operate a clinic and yes, you tell the nurse you feel comfortable talking with the doctor only right now. But, he will make chart notes and they will have access to those but it only suppose to be to do their job not be nosy. In their privacy practices there should be a number for you to call if you feel your privacy rights have been violated. Be sure to have them note that only you should access to your records as well.

[addicted123]

Thank you!! How did you come off of Oxys after 11 years? My biggest concern is .. Well everything. I'm afraid that admitting this to my boyfriend will end our relationship. And if that happened, I don't even want to think of what I would do. With his ex that was also addicted to pain meds, he was arrested for stealing a script of Vicodin for her from his brother. And he now has a felony because of it. I'm horrified at the thought of what he would say to me if he ever found out ..

[addicted123]

Basslady -- thank you very much!! I have already been arrested for stealing Oxycontin and Percocet from my grandfather .. I was lucky and received no jail time, and the judge was compassionate enough to expunge the felony after 6 months being that it was my very first offense. Not even a speeding ticket on my record. I plan on visiting a doctor tomorrow to ask for help. I am very nervous and unsure, but I want my life back more than ever at this point. Ever since I posted this and really decided it's time, all I can think about are the possibilities that I have ahead of me. There is one thing I am worried about. When I go in there, and the nurse asks me what I am there for, what do I even say? I do not have the slightest clue as to what to say or where to start. I almost don't even want to have to tell the nurse anything, and only have to talk to the Dr. Is that possible?

[Basslady]

I really feel for you, and relate. The others have given you good advice, I'd just like to add that you are in a place right now where you haven't been caught up in the legal system yet...at least from what you said....but it won't be much longer before you get caught doctor and ER shopping, or some other illegal activity like the stealing, forging prescriptions, etc. You have the chance to get help BEFORE you get in trouble with the law and end up in jail and with a record. So, please, follow what you know you need to do, even if you are terrified, and ask that doc for help. Asking for help is the first step....recognizing that your life has become unmanageable, and you are powerless over your drugs of choice, opiates.
Also, regarding the detox/withdrawal, the docs will give you medications to make you more comfortable during the process....and it doesn't last for long, relatively speaking. You may still be somewhat uncomfortable, but when I came off Opana, they used Suboxone, and several other meds for the achy pain and anxiety. I was ok in just a few days. Then the real work of staying sober and clean starts, but there is a huge amount of support out there for you, you just need to grab hold! The doc who treats addiction, and the detox place will have lists of resources and meetings for when you are ready. Of course the folks on this and other good forums are a resource too. But it helps more in person, imho. Please let us know what you end up doing and how you do....I think you will look back and be so utterly thankful you made the decision to get help! May God bless you in this process!

[kellygirll]

I  had opioid addiction and the last thing i wanted to do was tell my husband he despises people who do pills always used to say horrible stuff about them and here i was his wife a big pill junkie i did them for 16 years i finally told him and went away to rehab which helped me.... now when i went to rehab my life was not unmanageable i had a job a house a good marriage 4 grand in the bank BUT the pills weren't getting me high anymore and i was up to 300mg a day my next step unfortunately would of been snorting heroin now i have always been against that cuz my dad was a heroin junkie but i knew where i was headed was not a good road so please tell your boyfriend get the help you need go to meetings i go to meetings in order to be successful you have to have some aftercare best of luck to you XOXO

[AnonymousUser12]

If you cannot find the will power to do it on your own, check yourself into a detox treatment facility. If your boyfriend dated a previous addict, im sure he knows far more than you would like to admit. Talk to him about it, and seek the help you need.

[addicted123]

Thank you everyone! Very much!! That was the first time I have ever told anyone literally everything, as I said, besides my brother!! I am terrified to tell my boyfriend because he was with someone who was addicted to Oxys, except she didn't try to hide it at all. And he was disgusted by it, and knowing what she was willingly doing to herself. And I know that I am just the same. I am willingly just continuing down the same path. I've never reached out for help before like this. And as you've all said, I'm sure my boyfriend knows that something is going on. But then again, maybe not. Because I was already doing it when we started dating. I do want to go to meetings for this as well, but not just yet. I want to talk to a Dr about it first, seeing if there is any help there first, because when going through withdrawals, the last thing I want to do is listen to others talk about being on an opioid. I already know that much. When I'm going through a withdrawal, even seeing a prescription pill bottle is very hard for me without thinking about stealing it in hopes that it would be a pain med! I want my life back. I want my freedom back. I can't stand being controlled by this!! I know that. And I'm almost disgusted in myself for getting into it in the first place! As I said before, I have no idea how to talk to a Dr about it. But the advice you guys gave on printing my post out and taking it to a Dr is a great idea. Thank you!!! And thank you very much for the positivity. I was unsure if that would be something I would have seen in a reply! It definitely helps!! My family Dr is not an understanding woman, and I am not comfortable with her at all. But there is a Dr in my area who has a walk in clinic that I AM comfortable with, and is also able to provide help in this particular area (I googled Drs in my area that specialize in opioid addiction after I wrote my post)... I can honestly say that I have never wanted my life back as much as I do now. Because all I can think is that I am 26, and I am not headed towards any type of success. Because of my addiction, I have nothing, and I feel like nothing. I am just completely terrified of the withdrawal. I've been through it before when I could not find money to buy more pills, and it's just horrible. I know that I would not be able to stay clean going through that. I never can. IS there anything out there that can help with that? I plan on going to see the Dr at the walk in clinic tomorrow, as long as I don't chicken out!

[NeverAgain127]

Wow:  what a great post you wrote.  You really poured out your heart there, honey.   It's the first step towards getting better.   When it comes to addiction, we are as sick as our secrets.

I agree with Krissy...can you look into a rehab program?  You definitely have a deep addiction, but there is absolutely a light at the end of this dark tunnel.     I'd start out by coming 100% clean with your doctor...and if you don't know how, then I think the suggestion of printing our your letter and bringing it in is excellent.  

You can't go on like this; your tolerance is building rapidly, and you are going to end up getting caught doctor shopping before long...plus which addiction leads to nowhere good.   Your whole life is ahead of you; I want to see you live it!  

Can you tell your boyfriend about this?  He's going to have to find out if you have any hope of staying together.   Shame and guilt are your disease's way of keeping you stuck in this horrible cycle.    

There are tons of resources out there, but the first step is to get you detoxed and in a program.  Again...I strongly suggest going to your doctor and just get it all out.  It doesn't matter how you say it, just that you DO.   And yup, it's going to be very hard.   The most valuable things in life usually are.

Fight for yourself honey.  You are worth it.  Please write back and let us know what you decide.

[spider6]

Hi, welcome sweetie.  Grats..HUGE GRATS on posting here.  This is an awesome forum to start with.  Many here, MANY HERE, have your story written on their souls.

You wrote an excellent post, ...I think you should just print it off and take it with you to your doctor's. .....it's actually how I found an excellent doctor years ago....I was looking for someone to help me, (similar sitch), went to walk in clinic...prob for drugs (Xanax at the time).....I left him a huge "history" letter; he actually read it and took me under his wing.  (That's a story in and of itself)

There's many things you can do to start this process off, you'll get excellent posts and advice from many here.  Take what you want; leave the rest....absorb it all.  

You're so young honey.  I've lived most of my life going through what you've been living.....read, read, read other peeps posts of history with similar hurdles as yourself, ..it will help.  

You're first goal...throw fear out the window and just let it out...surrender to your loved ones....it will be such a relief and you'll be surprised by the support....

I wish you much luck, hugs.

[Krissy_123]

Oh darlin,you are deff stuck right in the throes of addiction! We have all been here. It's scary asf,but you DONT have to live this way!! First you need to cut ALL your recourses! Tell your bro,no more. I'd deff try lookin into a detox/rehab. If this isn't possible you can talk to your doc,he can give you non addictive meds to help with w/d. But really time is the only thing that gets us through. Yes it's hard to function through them,but once you're through that first couple weeks it does get easier day by day. You NEED to get into a program,like AA or NA. We all feel so alone going through this,these meetings help so so much!! I'm 7 months clean off the oxy and I used for 11 years. I figured I'd never quit,I was just like you. Couldn't function with them couldn't function without them. Not a fun way to live. I'd also recommend talking to your bf. I'm sure he already knows something is up. We don't hide our addiction as well as we think we do. Now the biggest thing with quitting is you have to WANT to quit!! This is a huge mental battle to get through,and you need to pep talk yourself every day,telling yourself YOU CAN DO THIS,it will get better!! Please keep posting!! We will answer any questions the best we can. We have all been where you are!