Determined to beat tramadol THIS TIME

[kksmama]

Hi. My god ive been on here so many times over the years between detoxing from Vicodin on several occasions (which I did eventually beat) and now the 4 year long battle with Tramadol. This time has got to be the last time. I cant continue this life. Its killing me. I have to try to find a good taper schedule and I know people aren't allowed to give them here but I cant go to my dr for help by any means necessary. I HAVE to do this on my own. Im down to about 18 tabs a day from the 25-30 tabs a day I was taking in the past. The past few days ive been taking only 8 and ive been ok with that. I have gathered up a supply of about 150 tabs to use to taper off and im so scared. I just need some kind words and wisdom from anyone that knows what im dealing with. Nobody in my life knows about this demon im battling. Im all alone in this. I need help

[jifmoc]

Wow, your posts make me so sad. You HAVE to listen to Domino and Clean in KS; what they said is the ONLY way for you to beat this. In your responses you are basically saying "yeah, I know...BUT.." That BUT will kill you. Gonna be very direct here: Your stubbornness in wanting to do this alone is keeping you in the cycle. You have done it alone over and over already. Look where it has gotten you.

Please keep posting. It may be hard to hear some of this but it's obvious you are beyond sick and tired and you WANT to change...so stay!!!:)

[clean_in_ks]

Just in case you are not aware....there is an ongoing journal where Tramadol Warriors share and help one another.  Thought you might like to read the latest journal and maybe post there for help too.  Here ya go:

http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/989796/Tramadol--Ultram-Recovery-Room-61?personal_page_id=142

[clean_in_ks]

You said maybe it was a mistake for you to post on here...NO it's not a mistake....we CARE about you....we may not know you.....but yet we do know you, ya know?....lol

Addicts recognize the cycle and the shame and the struggle you have shared because we have been exactly where you are in one way or another.  We help each other because we care so much.  We want to see you break free......each of our paths and choices are different....but yet they are similar too.    

Please keep talking to us.....and keep posting, ok?

[dominosarah]

It wasnt a mistake posting here, you keep talking.  We KNOW what you are going thru.

[kksmama]

I kno. Thank u.

[kksmama]

It is very much a heavy load I carry. And everything u said is right. I kno that. And I kno im sick. I kno theres something very wrong with me to allow this all to keep happening.  I kno I shouldnt care what people think. I know I should put myself first and fess up and get help. Everything u said I kno. And I thank u for saying it because even tho I KNOW it, I needed to hear it back from someone else just to hear how sick it all is. Idk. Maybe it was a mistake even posting it on here. I cant explain why its so hard for me t ask for help. But I just cant. Ive gotta do this on my own. I appreciate your words. And your thoughts. Thank u

[dominosarah]

Yout  are playing a deadly game here by keeping this a secret.  You are so worried what others will think and turning THEIR lives upside down.  I understand the shame and guilt as i lived that for so many years.  I finally put MY needs above the rest and then healing began.  You said you have gathered up about 150 pills........are these from friends who use?

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome back.....I took the time to read your history....I always do that when I see someone has been a forum member for so long and returns again.

A couple of things really concern me.  Your first tramadol induced seizure was clear back in 2010, right?  You were unable to be honest with anyone about the massive amounts you were using back then even at the ER... and 4 years later you have allowed this HUGE SECRET to take you to a neurologist who has put you on 2 anti-seizure meds but knows nothing of your tramadol abuse??  I may have read that wrong, but it sounds like you are allowing your family history of seizures to be your "cover" for your tram use?  

You say the dr you work for as an MA is also your personal dr (not the neurologist though) and has known you since your childhood and he would NOT understand your addiction.  You say your Mom would not understand your addiction.  You say your husband would leave you and take your kids.  Our fear allows us to "project" what others that love us will do.  Someone needs to know this burden you are carrying....someone that loves you and can help you.  

You aren't giving your neurologist PERTINENT information in treating your seizures.  This secret could kill you.....do you realize this?  The more lies we tell...the more lies we HAVE to tell to cover up the last lie.  It's exhausting don't you think?  
I gather you know the brain chemistry of addicts is different from non-addicts?  That it is a disease...but one that can be put into remission?

I was up to 30 hydros/day myself at my worst.  I relate to you....I was scared to quit and scared NOT to quit...but the difference is:  I am not ashamed to be a recovering addict.....I find it to be a blessing in MANY ways in my life today.  I'm not a bad person....or "less than" just because I am an addict.

You made it 25 days off the hydros one time, right?  But did you ever seek out the counseling you spoke of to get to the root of your past issues of abuse?  Just because your husband didn't choose a recovery program and some aftercare to get off crack and alcohol doesn't mean you should be expected to do it "his way".  You need some love and support to do this, girl.  I promise you that being a "speed around the house", get it all done kinda mom and wife isn't where your value as a woman lies.  You are SO WORTHY of getting FREE!  Some things....most things....will have to change.  You have to give it more than 3 weeks or so for your pain levels to level out.  Opiate induced hyperalgesia is VERY REAL...by the time I quit....I had it and had no idea what it was!

Secrets just eat away at US.....they keep our shame alive....our guilt....our self-hate.  Nothing grows in the dark....except nasty sh!t.  Your dr probably is aware "something" is going on with you....how could he not be if he has worked with you since at least 2008 and has seen all the changes in you and called the ambulance for your seizure in 2010?  

My hope is that you will reconsider....re-think all this.  Carrying your secret alone is so HARD....much more work than is expected of you.  Not cutting off your sources for pills is another stumbling block.  And not getting any counseling or aftercare is the biggest stumbling block I have ever witnessed

You are young.....your daughter is young......you have a lot of life ahead of you.......and there IS a "way out".   The power of choice is a gift....I hope you will make different choices while you still have the chance.
Wishing you all the best~  

[kksmama]

Hi and thank u! I got on trams after getting off a 25+ a day hydro habit. I had been clean for a while and just wanted SOMETHING to make the pain go away for a while. I took 4 at once and suddenly I was myself again! I felt good again. And since at that time here in Michigan it wasn't a controlled substance I guess I jus felt like I wasnt doing anything THAT BAD. of course I kno thats crap but u kno how addicts have a tendency to justify our addiction.  Anyway years passed and my dosage increased until I started having seizures! Couldnt tell anybody why I was REALLY having seizures so im on 2 seizure meds daily and my neuro chalked it up to my extensive family history of epilepsy and adult onset seizure disorder. Which is true but I kno its the trams. Im actually glad im on the seizure meds now it makes me a little less scared of detoxing. Ive never done ANY care! I cant risk losing my family. I told my husband about my pill problem the first time I was in WD from the hydros and he was so angry. He finally became supportive but swore if he ever found out I was using again he would take my kids and leave and I couldn't live without my kids. In their innocent eyes im the perfect mommy. Sometimes I think I would rather die than forr everyone to find out what a fake I really am. I disgust myself! I would lose my job and I would lose everything if this came to light. Thats why I cant risk it anymore. This has got to be my last fight with this!  My kids and my family are the only thing that keeps me fighting. If it werent for them I really think I would just be done with life just to finally be done with addiction! Im tired. Ive done this so many times. Im scared I cant win. But im not gonna stop trying! This time has got to be the last time!

[kksmama]

And jus incase it helps it went cold turkey twice from around 25 hydros a day and ur doin great. The worst is over. The first week is the worst and after that its all mental! Gotta just push urself to keep busy and try to keep good people around u. U got this

[kksmama]

WOW! you and I are in SUCH a similar boat! I started taking the trams after being off the hydros for about a month. My body just hurt so bad and I wanted SOMETHING to just give me a break from the pain. I took like 4 at once and it felt amazing! I was myself again! Running around being "super mom" and "super wife" psh. What a lie! I guess because it waamt a controlled substance that somehow made me feel better like I wasnt doing anything TOO bad. Funny the lies we addicts tell ourselves!  Well years passed and my dosage increased until I started having seizures! Couldnt tell anybody why I was REALLY having seizures so im not 2 anti epileptic meds daily and my neurologist has chalked it up to my large family history of adult onset seizure disorder. My god the worry I put my family thru! Im a disgusting human. But I can't! I cant tell anyone!  I would lose my job and more importantly my husband would leave and try to take my kids from me. On the outside im what every mother, wife amd woman should be. For people to find out about this would turn so many ppls worlds upside down. Thank u for your kind words. How long as it been since u got fired? After 12 yrs working there it sounds like they r just going to cut u loose and leave it at that. Usually when this type of thing happens the cops r actually waiting for u at the pharmacy to pick u up! They dont wait around and make ya sweat. Did u ask your employer if they had called the police?

[jifmoc]

Oops you said vicodin not norco. Same thing tho, still hydro:)

[jifmoc]

Hey, girl. Sorry to hear you've been strugglin for so long. Sounds like you know the deal. What made you go on Tram after getting addicted to norco is my question? And the biggie...have you done any aftercare? I learned (eventually) that staying clean can't be done w/o help. Just can't.

Tram-experienced folks will come on here (I was a norco lover, too) and I believe tram can linger in your system longer. Point is, you are doing this now, and the wds will pass. You can lick this, it is not easy, but we can do it!!!

[devisatedandscared]

I too had a pretty bad problem with Norco...it has almost completely ruined me. Its unbelievable the power these pills have over us. I'm day 12 cold turkey. Only after attempting to fill an rx I filled out from work. I was caught. I lost my job of 12 years, and I'm still sitting here in absolute fear I'm going to get arrested...ive never done anything to remotely break the law my entire life. And the fear of withdrawal will make you do just about anything...im honestly not sure about how to taper safely. I've read alot of peoples posts that indicate tapering just prolongs the issues...but I couldn't speak for certain. I know your terrified. But just trust that its temporary...it too shall pass. You will find alot if support here, as I definitely couldn't have made it thru without this family here. Its tough, but its possible...please continue to post...and know your not alone...im here with you...and so many others.