day 6 - evening - glimmers of rainbows

[alexandra fox]

I have crashed again, but finally today there were moments of hope. Allelujah! Physically I am still wiped out, and a new symptom has joined me - hand trembling, heart palpitating anxiety! My goodness, I was mowed down by waves of anxiety and feeling totally overstimulated today, my eyes were darting all over, heart so fast - but for now that has passed. Still week as buggery, I don't know what that is about. Hate it all. Less sweats, less goosbumps.

But the good thing, moments of happiness. It started when I read another thread here about poopin' and burst out laughing, genuine laughing, for the first time (hey, whatever gets me grinning LOL). Then on the train to work I had this feeling of "yipee I'm on holidays". And then bit by bit the real Alex remerged. I think what was killing me so much before was the total lack of interest and enthusiasm and pleasure, that sense of everything being worthless, the really bleak head that had me thinking big time "f uck me" kind of thoughts, self destructive self violent stuff that used to be a big problem for me as a teenager and junkie.

So, there is hope. Just at present, I am back in the exhausted limp wrung out rag place, as per usual, but the repirieve today was so lovely, and gives me hope that perhaps I am turning the corner.

I can never say enough thank you's to everyone here, wont even try to itemise names because I would for sure miss out on people - bless you all, and for those still in the darkness, hang in for dear life. Easier said than done I know - it truly is a blind faith that things must get better evebtually- and an acceptance that drugs are a dead end street, sooner or later.

[banana911]

day 6 morning here also.  i think most of my symptoms like shivers & flu head have left.  i only have the anxiety that you speak of.  i do get a passing chill.  oh, i have an achy back, but that has imporved alot also.  i wake up with a gush of AHHHxiety for sure!!  but that is a damn improvement!!!  i am also stressed about money, rent, car, blah blah blah so I am not sure what is just stress & what is anxiety over not popping a pill...  anyway, i am not working at the moment so hearing about you going to work - - i tip my hat to you!!!!!  

gosh, thank god for some relief, huh?  we dont have to do those days again.....

[Greatgreebo]

good job...it's coming your way-hold on and keep the goal in site!!!!!!!!! Life, without drugs is within your reach-GRAB IT.
Stay strong

Greebo

[flmagi]

A taste of happiness, a reward for all your hard work. I remember it well. It was such an awsome feeling, seeing the" real you" come back, even if it was just for a few moments. And the moments will get more and more, better and better.
I remember putting in a few posts about that myself, saying "I saw the old me coming back" or "the new and improved Magi". It was such an incredible feeling.
I'm so happy for you. Keep going, your doing great.
Magi

[natalile]

laughing is great i love it me & my fella have had more laugh's in the last two weeks than the last 13 year's laughter is a med itself & it's 100% drug free & 100% honest. i find myself laughing at the sillyest thing's now. I'm SO GALD you've seen abit of life agin now those connection's will start to come back. i'm sure you've turned the coner. You still feel s***y i no but it will get better & so do you all the best nat xxxx

[allaboutmary]

Whooo Whooo !  Those moments are going to be coming more frequent. Isn't it great to laugh again. I tell you,  the one biggest reason I won't go back to using , is the laughing.  I had stopped laughing.  It's great.

As far as the anxiety, you are right on schedule with me. Thats when I started having it, but didn't have it long. A couple days, and now very rarely.  It feels awful , but just kinda learned to breath thru it. It is also a great time to take a walk. It will probably be a little up and down for a while, but the good starts getting more frequent.  I am so happy for you.  Have a great day !    Mary