Aa
One pill, two pill, white pill, blue pill
Anyone out there have any advice for someone who has recognized that they have a drug addiction problem, started to go to AA, but has relapsed? I was doing OK in AA and starting to feel better until I picked up again. I was prescribed some Percocet and Vicodin for a kidney stone a few weeks ago. It was like opening the doors to the all you can eat buffet for addicts! I was able to justify my use for the first day or two, but once the pain subsided I consciously chose to continue using. Since then, I've started mixing the percs and vicodin or switch to Flexeril and Ativan. I know that mixing these meds together can be dangerous, but am not thinking safety...just euphoria. I'm so sick and tired of the manipulation, secrecy and compulsion to do whatever it takes to get high. I want to be straight out truthful with my wife, but can't stand the reality of disappointing her...again. I just can't get a bunch of days strung together in sobriety. I feel like such a hypocrite in AA, sitting and listening to other's stories with which I can relate to, but in the back of my mind planning on when I can get high again. The progression of drug abuse is only going to lead me further and further down a path I don't want to go down. I want to regain my own self respect and sanity before it is too late, but I feel extremely stuck in this viscious cycle. If anyone can relate or has some advice, please post. Thanks.
I just wanted to say hi and tell you I hope your felling better today. You seem so blue this morning at 1:30am. I hope your plans work about the deal you made yourself. I'll be watching for your post to see how your doing. good luck and God Bless
Hi Thomas...where ya been? Glad to see ya posting - I've missed ya! Hope you're doing well. Love ya, Lisabet
Thanks, I planned on getting the L-tyrosine from reading the Thomas recipe now I know what to do with it.I need to know if I should keep up with all my anti-depressents.I'm on 40mg paxil and 200 Trazidone at night and 200mgs wellbutrin. Oh and I can take up to .25 of xanax three times a day. anything there you think that might help or hinder thanks again I'm new and not getting to many response from everyone but I sure have learned a lot from all and thanks again.
The amino acid L-Tyrosine (taken with B6) can help with the post WD depression. It's cheap and available at a nutritional supplement store. 'Wouldn't hurt to try it.
... Upon rising (empty stomach), take the L-Tyrosine. Try 2000 mgs, and scale up or down the next morning, depending on how you feel. You can take up to 4,000 mgs. Take the L-Tyrosine with B6 to help absorption. Wait about one hour before eating breakfast. The L-Tyrosine will give you a surge of physical and mental energy that will help counteract the malaise. You may continue to take it each morning for as long as it helps. If you find it gives you the "coffee jitters," consider lowering the dosage or discontinuing it altogether. Occasionally, L-Tyrosine can cause the runs. Unlike the runs from opiate WD, however, this effect of L-Tyrosine is mild and normally does not return after the first hour. Lowering the dosage may help.
Thomas
... Upon rising (empty stomach), take the L-Tyrosine. Try 2000 mgs, and scale up or down the next morning, depending on how you feel. You can take up to 4,000 mgs. Take the L-Tyrosine with B6 to help absorption. Wait about one hour before eating breakfast. The L-Tyrosine will give you a surge of physical and mental energy that will help counteract the malaise. You may continue to take it each morning for as long as it helps. If you find it gives you the "coffee jitters," consider lowering the dosage or discontinuing it altogether. Occasionally, L-Tyrosine can cause the runs. Unlike the runs from opiate WD, however, this effect of L-Tyrosine is mild and normally does not return after the first hour. Lowering the dosage may help.
Thomas
Hi Melly - Actually, I have not gotten the buprenorphine in the past (or now) from a doctor. I don't even know of any who would prescribe it. I used to order from an overseas pharmacy (bad idea though -- the package can be seized by customs and import laws are such that it's not legal to do this - I did this unknowingly at the time, but still would have ordered even if I had known to be honest). The bupe I'm getting is from my Sister - her husband had a codeine addiction and had some left over. I had to confide in her about my own addictions recently (she is a wonderful person and doesn't judge - I've always had a great relationship with her) and she said that she would give me some of my brother-in-law's since he has stopped taking pain medications.
Thomas, I can equate with what you're saying so well. I have to be honest with myself, and there are some things in my life that are going on that I don't think I can deal with without the pills. But I HAVE to do this now. I'm going to make a deal with myself -- 6 months clean and sober, take it day by day and see if it improves, if not, I'm going to go to an outpatient clinic that doesn't record this on my insurance and see if they can help. There is also an NA meeting just down the street from where I live and I'm thinking about joining. I feel like I have to try something, and if it doesn't work out, I'll try something else. The depression I'm getting now is too much to handle (especially late at night when everyone is asleep and I'm awake and can't sleep), so I have to do something. I wish you well in whatever you decide (I wish I were in a better position to help others - I don't even feel as if I can help myself right now). Also, I want to thank you for the details of the recipe -- it helped me so much last year when I quit for those 4 months, just may have to try that again.
Thomas, I can equate with what you're saying so well. I have to be honest with myself, and there are some things in my life that are going on that I don't think I can deal with without the pills. But I HAVE to do this now. I'm going to make a deal with myself -- 6 months clean and sober, take it day by day and see if it improves, if not, I'm going to go to an outpatient clinic that doesn't record this on my insurance and see if they can help. There is also an NA meeting just down the street from where I live and I'm thinking about joining. I feel like I have to try something, and if it doesn't work out, I'll try something else. The depression I'm getting now is too much to handle (especially late at night when everyone is asleep and I'm awake and can't sleep), so I have to do something. I wish you well in whatever you decide (I wish I were in a better position to help others - I don't even feel as if I can help myself right now). Also, I want to thank you for the details of the recipe -- it helped me so much last year when I quit for those 4 months, just may have to try that again.
That sounds to good to be true.I'm sure it would still be illegal to obtain. No one has the right to feel that good all the time and it be legal. Someone would just have to stop that.After reading what everyone has to say about wd and depresion. I don't know what I'm afraid of most when I start CD this Saturday, the agony of wd or the lingering depression.I've taken antidepressents for years and they barely work now.
There's no denying that opiates are great anti-depressants. In fact, they're working on next-generation anti-depressants based on how opiates work. Obviously, they're trying to find substances that can reproduce the anti-depressant effect of opiates without all the baggage.
You might find these sites good reading:
www.heroin.org
www.erowid.org
Thomas
You might find these sites good reading:
www.heroin.org
www.erowid.org
Thomas
thanks. I'm actually doing OK at the moment (the nice weather is helping). And I am also really glad I found this forum. I took the pills Monday thru Thursday and by Thurs I had to take 5 at a time to feel anything (or actually, to not feel, if that makes sense). But I have not taken any since (partially because of that tollerance factor), but I am actually contemplating not getting more. It's weird, the further I get away from them there is a part of me that says "get away and stay away while you can". And at times I feel I'll be able to. Feeling good without them feels great (like what Amber mentioned above). But then when I start feeling down - when life's tough spots combine with my depression, I will prob seek to feel better, and the pills do it, even if only temporarily. But yea, I do see the addiction train heading my way. And I do see that i am, an a way, kinda smothering any natural coping skills I have. But my natural coping skills were not cutting it (I was suicidal, not good). But I think before I found this forum I was at 40/60 (sensible self/drug abuser). Now I feel like I'm 60/40 :)
Some here have rather large dragons to slay. Remember, we're in your army. If your sword breaks, we're behind you and will supply you another one.
Thanks to all,
Thomas050
Some here have rather large dragons to slay. Remember, we're in your army. If your sword breaks, we're behind you and will supply you another one.
Thanks to all,
Thomas050
Welcome to the forum.
May I say what a classic load of rationalizing, bargaining USDA-choice bullshit that is? I'm jealous! I miss those heady days when the guano flowed like a river and there was never a reason to stop using. All I can see now are reasons, and I hate it. It
May I say what a classic load of rationalizing, bargaining USDA-choice bullshit that is? I'm jealous! I miss those heady days when the guano flowed like a river and there was never a reason to stop using. All I can see now are reasons, and I hate it. It
Hi alexistx,
I understand what you mean about getting used to functioning on the pills. I am using them to get thru tough days, and I am beginning to see that I am going to have a difficult time dealing with those tough times when I decide to stop using them. The thought of not having them to resort to during those tough times is already a little scary, but my mind tells me I now I know I could do it if I had to (is that part of the addiction factor?). I do see how the addiction part works, both what I mentioned above and also the fact that my depression is worse than normal when I come off the pills. It's weird, I am fully aware of how the addiction works and I thought that would make me impervious to getting addicted, but I am beginning to think otherwise. I keep saying that I am only using right now to deal with things, and I do have intentions of not using in the future. At some point I will put on my suit of metaphorical armor and slay the dragon, and I feel like I can at any time, but what i am beginning to realize is that the dragon is growing bigger and bigger so I better not wait to long before it will be virtually impossible. I could slay a 20' tall dragon, but a 100' tall dragon, hmmmm that will be hard ;)
Kind regards,
T.050
I understand what you mean about getting used to functioning on the pills. I am using them to get thru tough days, and I am beginning to see that I am going to have a difficult time dealing with those tough times when I decide to stop using them. The thought of not having them to resort to during those tough times is already a little scary, but my mind tells me I now I know I could do it if I had to (is that part of the addiction factor?). I do see how the addiction part works, both what I mentioned above and also the fact that my depression is worse than normal when I come off the pills. It's weird, I am fully aware of how the addiction works and I thought that would make me impervious to getting addicted, but I am beginning to think otherwise. I keep saying that I am only using right now to deal with things, and I do have intentions of not using in the future. At some point I will put on my suit of metaphorical armor and slay the dragon, and I feel like I can at any time, but what i am beginning to realize is that the dragon is growing bigger and bigger so I better not wait to long before it will be virtually impossible. I could slay a 20' tall dragon, but a 100' tall dragon, hmmmm that will be hard ;)
Kind regards,
T.050
Sounds like you need to put on the armour-NOW! I don't post often, but I always look for your comments- they always help, always support. What can I say to help you now?
We must have been posting at the same time. I also remember reading your posts from months back and seeing how much you helped others here - I just started to read the board again because I know now is the time, it has to be because I feel like I'm losing myself. You're so right about posting, I need to have an outlet with people like myself and not just read, but also participate to get input - that's what helped me stay clean for those 4 months last summer. I was posting a lot more back then and getting a lot of encouragement, I just need to execute a plan right now.
I hope you're doing well.
I hope you're doing well.
Mystere, I've read your posts and am SO glad that you're doing so well! I know what you mean about almost losing your marriage. My husband and I had a HUGE fight the other night because of my pill usage. He had just about had it with my mood swings, has said that I'm a completely different person from 2 years ago and thinks since we both quit smoking 6 years ago and since I quit drinking 3 years ago I should be able to do quit taking the pills without any problems (this is the hardest thing I've ever done). He recently had withdrawals from drinking -- he didn't even know what they were, but since he would drink whenever he could, which was every evening after work and on the weekends starting at noon, then he stopped abruptly and had the same symptoms I have when I go through w/d's (cold sweats at night, RLS, flu feeling, etc.) he realized that he shouldn't be drinking anymore (he said that at the time). We both didn't realize the problems we have -- him with alcohol and me with pills, it just escalates and one day you're left looking at the ruins of what your life has become. He just started drinking again. :( I'm learning that I need to focus on my own recovery right now and that I have to own my actions (I watch Dr. Phil too much - yep, it's not workin' for me)
Peaz, LOL Madam Tussaud's, so true. I remember our chat before and you REALLY helped me. I also remember thinking what a completely cool job you have. I think the time has come and have realized through reading here that as long as I keep on trying and never give up, that I'm at least on the right path, even though at the time I may not be making the right decisions. I think my problem started when I became SO angry with myself for allowing this to happen again. I basically said, &*CK it, I'll never be free of this so I'm going to keep on taking what is familiar to me. I need to do a LOT of work within myself - that I know for a fact, because I also realize that after the withdrawal is over and there are no 'little evil friends' left (post-honeymoon phase) that I'll be tempted yet again and I need to seek out others like myself instead of retreating inward as I so often do. Thanks so much for being there in the past and now, I find your posts so incredibly insightful.
Alexis
Peaz, LOL Madam Tussaud's, so true. I remember our chat before and you REALLY helped me. I also remember thinking what a completely cool job you have. I think the time has come and have realized through reading here that as long as I keep on trying and never give up, that I'm at least on the right path, even though at the time I may not be making the right decisions. I think my problem started when I became SO angry with myself for allowing this to happen again. I basically said, &*CK it, I'll never be free of this so I'm going to keep on taking what is familiar to me. I need to do a LOT of work within myself - that I know for a fact, because I also realize that after the withdrawal is over and there are no 'little evil friends' left (post-honeymoon phase) that I'll be tempted yet again and I need to seek out others like myself instead of retreating inward as I so often do. Thanks so much for being there in the past and now, I find your posts so incredibly insightful.
Alexis
I too have been here for quite a while and followed your situation from the beginning of your infrequent posting.
Keep posting, it helps keep you strong and lets those feelings come out.
Addiction is a long and arduous process. There are no straight answers, remedies, or easy ways out.
We all find our way, through this forum, our inner strength, or by whatever means works for us.
Just don't give up. You are on the right track.
Finding your way is the key.
Chezz
Keep posting, it helps keep you strong and lets those feelings come out.
Addiction is a long and arduous process. There are no straight answers, remedies, or easy ways out.
We all find our way, through this forum, our inner strength, or by whatever means works for us.
Just don't give up. You are on the right track.
Finding your way is the key.
Chezz
Good morning my Guaardian Angel--Is this board getting crowded or what?--I think its great that so many people are finding out they are not alone and that there is LIFE after hydro/oxycodoneor whatever drug of choice! Wow 4 months without a cigarette-- That is wonderful! That's my next "beast" that I'm going to silence! I hope you have a wondeful friday Peazy--and I can't say it enough--I would not have made it this far without you--I remember one of your posts in particular that may very well have saved my life! Take care Hon--It's going to Hot & Humid today in the Big Easy-I'll talk to you tonight! all my love/peace/prayers--Mystere/N.O. Lady
Anne
Rodewk--Please flush those pills and give them the finger as they go swirling down la twalet! You will feel better! I hope you have a great day off enjoying some of the guilty pleasures (NOT PILLS!) of life. Peace/Prayers Mystere/AKA N.O.Lady
Anne
Anne
Rodewk--Please flush those pills and give them the finger as they go swirling down la twalet! You will feel better! I hope you have a great day off enjoying some of the guilty pleasures (NOT PILLS!) of life. Peace/Prayers Mystere/AKA N.O.Lady
Anne
Alexis---I think I posted to you about the simple joys of getting all loaded up on hydros and then having a day's excursion to the grocery store as if it were Madame Tussaud's.....LOLO I am NOT glorifying drugs!! Just commenting on how stupid our lives become while we're in the midst of addiction.
Your head is nearing the "right place" and you will DO this!! So many people relapse SO MANY times----but they all keep at it and one day success is theirs. It doesn't MATTER how many times you need to finally get the narcs out of your life.....just so you eventually DO IT. Please keep posting and let us know how we can help. Or just visit w/ us and glean strength from us. :-)
Mystere--I posted to you about and you didn't reply (sniff, sniff) so I hope it's just that you didn't see it......You seem to be doing So well,and I am just delighted to read your posts!! What you have done is HUGE!!! Keep it up. I knew you'd like that Trimpey book--it make LOTS of sense. It really appealed to me, too. Have a great day and maybe I'll post here tonight. Love, Di
Your head is nearing the "right place" and you will DO this!! So many people relapse SO MANY times----but they all keep at it and one day success is theirs. It doesn't MATTER how many times you need to finally get the narcs out of your life.....just so you eventually DO IT. Please keep posting and let us know how we can help. Or just visit w/ us and glean strength from us. :-)
Mystere--I posted to you about and you didn't reply (sniff, sniff) so I hope it's just that you didn't see it......You seem to be doing So well,and I am just delighted to read your posts!! What you have done is HUGE!!! Keep it up. I knew you'd like that Trimpey book--it make LOTS of sense. It really appealed to me, too. Have a great day and maybe I'll post here tonight. Love, Di
Please don't beat yourself up about the relapse--It's taken me three times to get it right!--The fact that you are back means that you ARE READY to reclaim your life!--I was no longer feeling the great effects of the hydrocone either--I was taking them pretty much just to prevent withdrawal-I knew it had to end!--I almost lost my husband due to those @#@#ing pills and that's when I knew I was ready!--I could have never made it without the wondeful people on this board--If you are ready to quit this is the place to be--You're in my prayers Alexis WELCOME BACK! You can come out the other side and I'm living proof!Peace/Mystere/AKA N.O. lady
Anne
Anne
thank you so much for your response and prayers. I will being looking for any advise until the big CD week which will be may 10th so please keep coming with unfo. I'm glad to here that this amount 6 to 8 isn't so bad.I hope your right just from dropping real fast because I didn't know any better before I found all of you I got restless legs and felt generally lousy. before the vikes I have taken dorvecets for 15 yrs but only 1or2 a day could that be some of the reasons I feeling wd so fast?
Hi all - I've been a member of this board for almost a year now, but haven't posted much at all (especially lately) because unfortunately, I relapsed after almost 4 months clean last summer.
I just want to tell all of you who are withdrawing, or tapering, or trying to get clean that you're giving yourselves the best gift you can give. You are elminating those toxins from your system, you're on your way to becoming 'yourself' again, and that is priceless.
I have been feeling AWFUL lately because I did relapse and just never attempted to quit again. I'm quite frankly scared. I should be more scared to keep on taking the hydros (and now I'm also taking Valium - 1 mg. 3x daily) and Soma, but I've been taking these meds for about 2 years now and I've become too accustomed to functioning on this artificial mood that the drugs create.
I have to say, I am feeling increasingly sick -- I don't get high anymore no matter how much hydro I take it seems, so what I was taking before (9 Norcos a day) is now more like 6 daily. I am seriously depressed and I know that it's from the hydro. The other week I ran out of the hydro, and took codeine (Codeisan, no tylenol, just codeine) at a smaller dose and felt SO much better, although I know that's just as bad, but I think that the tylenol is really doing a number on my health. I've taken way too much tonight, and I don't feel better, I feel worse. So depressed -- about our financial situation because of the amount of money I spend on the Norco and other pills, and the fact that I need to constantly take pills to function.
I know DEEP inside that now is the time. I knew last year that it wasn't, but I went through the motions of tapering, getting clean and trying to act as if all was well when all I could think about was getting the pills. I can't believe I blew it and went back to taking them, because I could have had a year under my belt now if I had just toughed it out and stuck with the program.
I have 50 sublingual buprenorphine on the way to taper (plus the codeine and Ultram and hydro :( ) but I want to do this right this time. I have been thinking so much about how I enjoyed life before without the pills - everything looked so bright and colorful, now it's dull and gray. I don't want to go anywhere, I can't sleep until about 3:00 a.m. rolls around, and then I sleep until 12:30 or 1:00 in the afternoon (I work at home). I have 2 daughters, ages 12 & 13, and I get up in the morning with them but have to go back to bed or else I'll become ill with a cold (I guess I'm lowering my body's defenses and need a lot of sleep? I don't know..).
I just want to say to everyone here that I've been reading and am really touched by y'alls stories. You have an enormous amount of strength, and I'm feeling stronger about quitting because of all of you. I know I need to do this for myself and my family - I want my girls to have a Mom that can do everything with them instead of being a hermit.
I'm really glad I found this board last year, and I love to read the Doctor's answers to everyone's questions. Very enlightening. Kudos to everyone for having what it takes to get yourselves out of this hole - I want to be there REAL soon.
I just want to tell all of you who are withdrawing, or tapering, or trying to get clean that you're giving yourselves the best gift you can give. You are elminating those toxins from your system, you're on your way to becoming 'yourself' again, and that is priceless.
I have been feeling AWFUL lately because I did relapse and just never attempted to quit again. I'm quite frankly scared. I should be more scared to keep on taking the hydros (and now I'm also taking Valium - 1 mg. 3x daily) and Soma, but I've been taking these meds for about 2 years now and I've become too accustomed to functioning on this artificial mood that the drugs create.
I have to say, I am feeling increasingly sick -- I don't get high anymore no matter how much hydro I take it seems, so what I was taking before (9 Norcos a day) is now more like 6 daily. I am seriously depressed and I know that it's from the hydro. The other week I ran out of the hydro, and took codeine (Codeisan, no tylenol, just codeine) at a smaller dose and felt SO much better, although I know that's just as bad, but I think that the tylenol is really doing a number on my health. I've taken way too much tonight, and I don't feel better, I feel worse. So depressed -- about our financial situation because of the amount of money I spend on the Norco and other pills, and the fact that I need to constantly take pills to function.
I know DEEP inside that now is the time. I knew last year that it wasn't, but I went through the motions of tapering, getting clean and trying to act as if all was well when all I could think about was getting the pills. I can't believe I blew it and went back to taking them, because I could have had a year under my belt now if I had just toughed it out and stuck with the program.
I have 50 sublingual buprenorphine on the way to taper (plus the codeine and Ultram and hydro :( ) but I want to do this right this time. I have been thinking so much about how I enjoyed life before without the pills - everything looked so bright and colorful, now it's dull and gray. I don't want to go anywhere, I can't sleep until about 3:00 a.m. rolls around, and then I sleep until 12:30 or 1:00 in the afternoon (I work at home). I have 2 daughters, ages 12 & 13, and I get up in the morning with them but have to go back to bed or else I'll become ill with a cold (I guess I'm lowering my body's defenses and need a lot of sleep? I don't know..).
I just want to say to everyone here that I've been reading and am really touched by y'alls stories. You have an enormous amount of strength, and I'm feeling stronger about quitting because of all of you. I know I need to do this for myself and my family - I want my girls to have a Mom that can do everything with them instead of being a hermit.
I'm really glad I found this board last year, and I love to read the Doctor's answers to everyone's questions. Very enlightening. Kudos to everyone for having what it takes to get yourselves out of this hole - I want to be there REAL soon.
Hey, I noticed you said you have some bup "on the way" to taper with. Did you get them from a local doctor or what? I am having a terrible time in Northern California trying to find a doctor who will rx the bup for w/d. Can a regular doctor prescribe bup if it's supposedly for pain instead of for withdrawl? How about that suboxone? Can that be prescribed by anyone, rather than just the special bup doctors? I am so desperately trying to find something other than methadone to taper with, I'm going nuts!!
i feel for you..w/d is the worst but it does have an end and nothing but comes comes of it! i was taking enough oxy to literally kill an elephant or two so i know what you're going through. as far as the restless legs and arms: ask your doc to prescribe klonopin (i'm sure he will as it's standard practice) and what i found worked better for the restlessness is 1000 mg. of calcium with Vitamin D, which aids the body in calcium absorption.
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