Percocet Withdrawals

[Stupid172]

Hey all! I'm a 24 year old female who has been on percocets off and on for about 2 years. More on than off. I've only been able to stop twice. The first time I went through withdrawals, was tough for 2 days then the 3rd day was significantly better. At that time though I was only taking about 3-4 Perks a day.  Stupidly, I started back on them again a few months later and  have been on them for about 9 months. To where I stopped again. But this time, instead of only taking 3-4/day, I was taking upwards of 7-9/day. Perks/10s. When I made the decision to again go through the withdrawals, I only made it to day 2 and couldn't handle it and starting using again. I have now AGAIN chose to stop and am currently going through withdrawals. I'm now on Day 4, I feel ok, I believe most of the tough withdrawal symptoms are gone, the only ones I feel now are loss of energy, I can't sleep well at night without the aid of sleeping pills or xanax, but I just feel plain out tired and EXTREMELY depressed. I start crying at the drop of the hat. I am a single mother of 2 little girls and I'm all they have. No one in my life knows what I'm going through and I'm a little scared. How much longer will this last? The depression? The cravings for just wanting to go out there and just get ONE more? If I were to give in and go get the ONE would it set me back and start this grueling process over again? I just want to be done with these, but I'm afraid of relapsing. Please, any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

[forumryder]

yo im a 24 yr old too and im currently on day 7 from quitting oxys.  its been tough and i too cant sleep at night.  i cry a lot lately too.  i nevecr cry but past week has been pretty depressing.  but i try to think of hte good things like how im not using anymore and how im going to prove to evewryone ive changed and think about the things i want to do in life instead of taking pills and chillin on the couch.  dont take another one.  if you take one you prob wont stop.  it wont just be one.  your thru the worst part.  the worst is the first 3 days or so.  your in the clear youll get better every day.  just tough it out.  its really not that bad.  get active get your mind off it.  helps sooooooooooooooooo much its not even funny.  you can do it.  we can do it.   its tough but wya better in the long run.  you dont want to take taht pill ever again.

[tooklastdose]

Welcome and you are doing great.  I'm day 8 ct off 15-20 vics a day.  The emotional part is difficult but it gets better.  On day 8 for me, my whole body feels tender to touch.  not achey (achy) like the first 5 -6 days, but it even hurts to brush my hair.  I guess it is very hypersensitive.  
Hang in there.  

[Stupid172]

Wow! Thank you so much for the encouragement! I even started to cry just reading it. I know I'm doing this for the best, for myself and my children, but I now have to re-learn how to live my life. For every task and with everything, I took a perk. It's almost like I have to re-train my body and mind how to do simple everyday things. I took 4 days off my job to hunker down and do this, tomorrow is the day I go back to work. I'm still not feeling 100%, and wondering how I can do it without a pill. I know it must sound weird, but everything in my life was dedicated to a pill. Is there anything that can be done to boost my energy levels? I have to work a 11 hour day tomorrow and am now really considering just calling out and toughing it out one more day.

[tooklastdose]

depends on your job, but it may be best to go to work and keep your mind occupied??
I'm worse when left alone in my own head.
It's flu season, so it would be a good time to call in sick if you need another day to heal your body.   (the mind takes a bit longer) Take your vitimans and get protien.

Best to you.

[jstntime]

I really hate to say hey stupid ha ha but you chose the name!!!!

Don't beat yourself up so much.  4 days is amazing.  The others are right, it is about to get easier.  You are over the hump of the physical stuff.

You are so smart to realize at your age that this is an issue for you.  Had I realized the same thing at the same age, I could have saved myself from many more years of abuse.

The first few days had me crying at long-distance commercials then laughing like a loon 5 min later.  I even freaked out on a total stranger and that is so not like me.  I totally understand the swinging emotions.

We all understand the "take a pill to do anything comment"  it's not stupid, it's why we are here.

Hang in there stupid ha ha, you may have just made the smartest decision in your life.  You will never know unless you stick it out and see what comes out the other side!!!!!

Pulling hard for you. You can do this.  Do you want it bad?  Take it!!!

bob

[Stupid172]

Haha thank you! I actually chose the name stupid when trying to post a new topic and at the time, that's exactly how I felt. Stupid for doing this to myself, and stupid for letting it get this far!
Thank you for your encouraging words, they really mean alot to me. You may see in other posts that I did make a mistake today and a little afraid of it setting me back, but also found a few words of encouragement that will help me make it through the day. I do thank God it happened early in the day so hopefully a little later in the evening I'll see how much it affected my body during this process.
The crying is a never ending thing for me right now. I'm crying just at my daughter saying she loves me and that she can't wait until I feel better. Hearing those words come out of her mouth reminds me exactly why I'm doing this in the first place. My oldest daughter is in school right now, and the second she steps in the house her first words are "Mommy are you feeling today?"
Thank you again for your words. Hearing everyone's words of encouragement is what's keeping me going day by day.

[jstntime]

Hey again,

Don't worry about the mistake.  Get back on your horse.  It will not re-set you to day 1.  The crazy emotions started easing up fast after day 5 for me.  After that, when I started feeling better, it was crazy empowering and had the opposite effect.

I cannot believe the fog I was in.  I have so much energy now, I don't know what to do with it all ha ha.  

You CAN do this and I look forward to congratulating you after that first week!!!!!!

bob

[Stupid172]

Thank you again for your encouraging words. It's been well past that dreaded 4 hour mark and I feel fine. I don't feel any symptoms of W/Ds. Although I'm wondering because I took 2 if it takes that much longer to leave my system? They were taken at the same time, so hopefully will wear off at the same time. I will say, I didn't "feel good" on them, I think I was more worried about what it would do to my recovery than the feeling. Which I'm sure is a great thing! But thank you so much! I will continue to post as each day goes by!

[Stupid172]

I'm so freaking depressed. I keep crying over the smallest things. I have 2 little girls that I wont let see me cry. How long is this going to last?

[tooklastdose]

it will gradually get better.  tomorrow will be less crying and the next will be less.
hang in there.    ( i think your other post keeps getting deleted)

[Stupid172]

Yes, I'm noticing that it is. Maybe because it's unrelated? All I want to know is if I'm able to take the full 10MG of Ambien or should I break it? I'm 5ft, 100lbs woman, is it ok?
It seems like every few minutes or so, the depression starts creeping again. It's so hard sometimes without anyone to talk to. That's the reason why I find this place to a God Send. I'm so fortunate to have found you guys! Thank you!

[forumryder]

u should go to work.  you will be supprised how much better you will feel when you get out and do sometihng.  you wont even think about it.  honestly thats what made my wds so much easier.  i went to work each day.  on day 2 and 3 i was out working.  i was dying at home but felt better working.  honestly will make u feel so much better.  and good for your mind to know that you can go to work with out taking that perk.  you can get L tryosine for energy.  i found that worked pretty good.  and amino acids.  and ensure drinks were great.  keep it up your doing great.  think of the things we can go do when were clean.  its limitless

[Stupid172]

You're right. Not only can I not really afford to miss the day, but I've been home and in bed the last 4 days. It is time for me to get up and do SOMETHING other than taking and picking my daughter up from school! I'm so worried of going and being so depressed that I start crying in the middle of nowhere. I wouldn't even know what to say if/when it does happen. No one at my job knows what I'm doing and I really intend to keep it that way! I KNOW I'll get through it, but it doesn't stop me from crying!  Thank you for your words! I thank God that I found you all, I don't think I would of been able to do this on my own! This place is a blessing!

[jstntime]

Hang in there.

forumryder is so right about the work thing.  I worked too.  I didn't feel good but man did it help.  I've seen Brian on here suggest jigsaw puzzles, great idea.  Also, funny movies.  Read a book.  Occupy your mind. Sitting there thinking about your current situation is the worse thing you can do now.

If you can't sleep, don't stay in bed and get frustrated.  Get up, read here or post (there's probably a few of us still up too ha ha)  Understand it is normal, don't get upset about it, this will not help you.

You can do this!!!!!

bob

[Stupid172]

Thank you! I'm seeing that you all are right! I just took an Ambien hoping to finally get a few hours of CONTINUOUS sleep! I'll be back tomorrow after work and see how everyone is doing and to also update on how I'm doing as well! Thank YOU and everyone else who has helped me through this rough and very very very long day! God Bless and Good night!

[tooklastdose]

hope you get some sleep
tomorrow will be much better

[Stupid172]

I can't believe this! Instead of taking Ambien, I decided to take 1 1/2 grams of Xanax, which I ingested about an hour ago. And I'm still WIDE awake...is this normal? I thought these eventually knock you out. I really don't feel them, and I really don't want to take another half gram...Wow...this *****! I figured taking Xanax would be a little easier and take some of the anxiety away and calm and soothe my mind, but I don't feel them at all! Does anyone know what going on?

[Stupid172]

Wow...still waiting for these to kick in..I even added .25g to see if that will help. I am feeling a slight buzz, but not that "tired, I just want to close my eyes and go sleep feeling." I don't want to have to take anymore...I only have a half gram left which would make it a total of 2 grams. I don't take xanax, have never really used it in the past other than the usual experimenting when I was years younger. I only got them to aid in sleep during this, it did help tremedously the first night, but doesn't seem to do anything for me tonight...blah...this really blows!

[Stupid172]

Should I take this last half gram and see if that does the trick? It's all I have left..but again I'm a little unsure of xanax...would that be overdoing it?  I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!! I have to get up pretty early to get my daughter to school in the morning, I still have 10 hours before I NEED to get up, but I wanted to sleep long before that!

[Stupid172]

Ok, so I gave in and took the last half gram, and I'm now FINALLY feeling like I'm going to be able to sleep afterall! YAY! Good night all!

[LateAugust]

Hey dear where are you getting all the drugs?   Normally addiction specialists or Md's
do not want you taking benzos  thru w/d (they are way too easy to get addicted to)   physical  w/d is not an easy road,  but that is just the physical part....  do you have some aftercare in place?  Are you attending AA/NA or have a counselor you are working with?    I am sure as you know the mental addiction or desire is so very strong,   I hope you have someone working with you in all aspects of getting sober for your baby girls.  I wish you only the best.

[dnice7]

good luck to every1 fighting there addictions. i know how hard it is being that i was once in the same shoes all of you are. Now i live a much happier life. its not worth it and everyone has the metal strengh to overcome your addiction .

[Stupid172]

Ok, well today marks Day 5, I still feel a bit exhausted, but I'm going to muster it up and go to work today. I have a VERY long work day today and I'm really hoping that my depression doesn't get to me much today! I'll be back later on tonight and post how it went!

[Stupid172]

Also one other thing before I go, THANK YOU to everyone who has helped me through this very very hard process. I know today is nothing compared to what I went through the first 3 days, I can do this, I know if I keep moving, I won't dwell on the lack of energy I have. I do plan on drinking plenty of coffee to try and keep me moving, as I'm a manager at a fast food restaurant, my job is pretty strenuous and fast pace, I really don't have the time to sit down and relax, but I'm taking that is for the better. I'm a working a split shift today, 10-2, to pick my daughter from school, than 5-12am. THANK YOU TO ALL WHO HAVE GIVEN ME THEIR SUPPORT! I know I'm not completely out of the woods yet, but each day is getting better!

[jstntime]

I am SOOOO happy to hear that your situation is improving.

The busy, hectic work thing will be a GODSEND for you, just wait and see how fast the time moves compared to feeling sorry for yourself in bed!!!!! ha ha

Yes, you are correct, you are NOT out of the woods yet.  You seem to have a characteristic present with those that are successful though-----the right attitude!!!!!!

When the depression and fog lift, you will triumph at your accomplishment.

That first week is SOOOO close for you, grab it!!!!!!

bob

[Stupid172]

And to everyone! WOW! I made it through the first 4 hours and it was GREAT! You were all so right! Going to work and moving around made things so much better! I FEEL GREAT TODAY!  Even with the set back I had yesterday, it feels like I progressed anyway! I will tell you that when I woke up today, I was a little unmotivated, but after a couple cans of that Starbucks + Energy coffee drink, I was more than GREAT! That I do believe is what got me going with energy. The coffee drink. I drank a couple cans and am still feeling pretty darn good. Now comes the harder portion of my day, I have to go back and work 5-12:30am, but judging from how the first 4 hours of my day went, I'm absolutely positive I'll be fine! I'm keeping a few more of those coffee cans around JUST IN CASE! As they seem to be my savior today! I will be honest though, there have been countless times I've caught myself thinking about the percocets. About how I used to take one 30 min before I got off to pick my daughter up from school so they would be kicking in as soon as I got off, or how I would take one on the 30 minute drive to the Daycare to drop her off. But when it happens, all I do is look at daughter, and look at the coffee drinks that I now feel like I HAVE to drink, and the desire all but goes away! I think I'm doing ok. This is Day 5. When I get off tonight, I'll be well on the way to Day 6! I can't wait until my energy comes back! Thank you all again for helping me through this. My boss looks to me as his daughter, which is a great thing to have an employer do. I know we have a different relationship other than the usual employee relationship. He knows something is up. He's asking, he's told me he wouldn't judge me, that he hasn't been very pure either. I am planning to tell him, just not right now. I don't feel quite ready to let him in on my "secret." I felt so different today at work! More productive, more clear headed, I was able to run my shifts like the manager I used to be before this evil stepped in. I moved faster than I used to, there was a tremendous difference. I just can't wait until ALL my energy comes back, and then it's ON!!!! Haha!

[jstntime]

I'm thinking you should probably change the name because you're starting to sound pretty smart to me.

I am so very happy your day went well.  I also understand the "times" that you would take.  I liken it to stopping to smoke.  At first you never believe you could go without a smoke after a big meal or with a coffee.  Slowly, your routine changes and you no longer think of it the same.  Life without becomes the "normal" routine and you no longer think like before.

Again, great job.  You're going to be OK.  You're starting to feel better, wait till things become even clearer!!!!

You Rock!!!!!

bob

[RD808]

DO NOT take another  one. It might not set you back physically that much.. but it will emotionally. You have to let your brain produce serotonin naturally again. I went throught the EXACT same scenario. 9-10 a day for over a year and did it cold turkey. THe worst is over. I would cry all the time over stupid things, like "watching movies will never be the same" "visiting my friends will be so boring". It ALL fades. By next week you won't cry and much and you will feel your old self coming back. Actually it will come back stronger and you will feel better than you ever had on them.

Take it from someone who has been right there where you are. After about a week the depression is nearly all gone and you will sleep like a baby.

[tooklastdose]

Your doing great.  I'm so happy that work went well and your next shift should be just as good.   I'm not sure of the relationship between you and your boss, but I would hesitate to tell him.   (Just my opinion)  I want people to know the clean me.   People do judge out there in the world.   Just think about it before telling your boss or at least see if others can share their opinions.
Any other opinions???

[Stupid172]

WOW! It's so great and encouraging to come home and read these posts! I just got home from picking my girls up from the sitter, and let me tell you, I DIDN'T THINK THIS NIGHT WOULD END! I guess that "great" feeling I was having earlier, was due to it only being the first 4 hours of my shift. When I came back to work the 2nd time around ( I have to work split shifts during the week so I can pick my daughter up from school) the first 2-4 hours were bearable, I didn't have much energy though, but was able to get by OK. The last 3-4 hours were HELL! Time dragged on like it was it's job, and moving my legs just wasn't happening. I think I drank more coffee, and energy drinks than I have in my entire life. I tried that 5 hour energy drink for the first time, only took half, felt the "buzz" but no energy weird enough. Coffee actually did the trick, but it didn't help my legs feel any less tired. I remember I used to take a perk while I worked a long shift like this and I was SUPERWOMAN! Moved faster than a speeding bullet(or so I thought haha) actually I would take more than 1 perk, but either way, I couldn't work a long shift without one or two or three. Today blowed tremendously, tomorrow I'm in for another long shift. I work 3 hours in the day, get off to pick my daughter up, and back for another closing shift. I have to get up in 5 hours to get my daughter to school, and I'm just not that tired, well tired enough to go to sleep. My body is exhausted, but it won't let me sleep. I'm considering taking a Tylenol PM, but I'm a little nervous I won't hear the alarm clock in a few hours. My boss thinks I can handle these shifts, and let me tell you, on perks, you can handle almost anything. I remember, before I started taking them, I was able to do it, but now, it just seems like I can't. Maybe I'm expecting too much for my Day 5? As far as taking just ONE, yes I will admit, I crave it, want it, desire it, but when I tried to get something done tonight at work, and my legs wouldn't comply, I remembered why I WON'T! Thank you to all who have left me those encouraging words! It is because of YOU I'm able to get through this on my own.

[worried878]

24 is sovery very young...and as u have discovered..this dont get no better!...excuse my grammar but just know it does NOT!   everytime we relapse it is worse..the habit get bigger and bigger due to receptor sites we build during heavy use

right now u r in the mental aftermath..the part that causes most relapses..cos it sux major hotdogs!  feeling like u have no life cos u feel like a human body made outta concrete is just not what users like to feel ..not at all...we escape//we like to feel "great" all the time..so this time is very hard for an addict..very hard

for me it almost did me in...and i didnt c it coming either..i thought i would like go into seizures, writhe around on the floor vomiting and none of that happened during my physicaL ordeal...then this doomer part hit me...and i was flabber-gasted

I re-read the thomas recipe//upped my doses to the recommended amt of aminos...and found tyrosine to be my nrg source..i got my gym cloths on//got off the couch//and MOVED..and I survived...learn all u can bout where u r at...understanding WHY u feel like u feel can help u pull thru..aftercare is so very crucial for u right now..the health pages have so much good info...go there and learn

and keep posting

[worried878]

and u r not STUPID...u r an addict who is trying to help urself..I think that is pretty dern smart myself

[Stupid172]

I don't know where to begin. Last night I got home at about 1:30am. Got my girls to bed(as for some reason when I picked them up, although they were asleep at the sitters, the second they got in the car, it was like they hadn't seen me in years!)  I got on and posted how my day and evening at work went. Well, I took a couple of Tylenol PM's to try and go to sleep, but COULD NOT go to sleep! I believe it's from all the coffee and energy drinks I loaded into my body during my day at work. I had to get up at 7am to get my daughter ready for school, but wasn't able to get to sleep. My arms were restless, similar, well almost exactly like the restless legs I experienced during withdrawals. They just felt like I couldn't stretch them enough! So I was tossing and turning, hour after hour went by. The last time I looked the clock it was around 5am. WOW! I had to get up in 2 HOURS! I started crying(partly due to the depression) and wondering now, how in the heck am I going to make it through the day? After I was finally able to fall asleep, around 5, I kept waking up every 20 minutes or so. I got up, took my daughter to school, came home around 8, and tried to lay back down and get a little more rest before having to leave my house around 10. I dressed my younger daughter at the same time I dressed my older daughter for school, and also put my work uniform on, so when 9:45 hit, I would just have to brush my teeth, put my shoes on and walk out the door. Well...that obviously didn't happen. I again wasn't able to go back to sleep. So I got up, played and laid around with my youngest daughter while she watched TV, silently praying that I would be able to get a cat nap in today. I again, have to work a long double shift today. I almost started to panic because I don't think I could it on 2 hours of sleep. Especially during this time in my recovery. I may have gotten a little of my energy back, but from lack of sleep, I didn't feel it. I'm dreading working this day today, I did not think of calling out weird enough, but I'm mentally and physically trying to prepare myself for the grueling and long day ahead. The only good thing about this is I won't have to work another long day like this again for at least 4 days. Tomorrow being the easiest( I only have to work 3 hours.) I see that as a reward for toughing it out and surviving these long shifts. I KNOW I can work these shifts without the perks, I've been doing this for years. I KNOW my body can handle it, but I feel I may be putting a little too much strain on my body this early in recovery. Last night was horrendous, I feel tonight is going to drag on and feel the same way. I usually put in great effort and ALWAYS have quality work, but last night I cut corners, I didn't do some things I would have normally done, overall it just wasn't same quality work that I ALWAYS do. At my job, I'm known for my cleaning abilities, for being able to go above and beyond what's expected of me, I have so many responsibilities and am always expected to work a certain way. When I started that job, I wasn't on the perks, and my standards were even higher then, when I got back on them, I still had quality work, but it wasn't to the full potential that I know I have. I just wanted to get off and go home, and watch TV or work online while on them. It was ALL I looked forward to. I know tonight, I may not have the quality work, but I also know, I have to let my body get re-accustomed to being on my feet for those long hours, being to work and still be able to go above and beyond my own standards. Thank goodness like I mentioned earlier I won't have to do these hours again for at least a few more days, I'm almost positive, the next time around, I will be fully recovered and will not be dreading going to work. I love my job, believe it or not, and always like to perform as so.
To worried, BELIEVE ME I WILL NOT TAKE ANOTHER ONE OF THESE PILLS EVER! Sure the desire is there, and it's even stronger today knowing I'm going to be doing this on such few hours of sleep, but I'M the one who did to myself, and the way I see it, I'M the one that needs to tough it out and DEAL with it!  It was all brought on by none other than MYSELF! And to let myself experience the horrible withdrawals, the after effects(loss of energy, performance at my job) IS NOT HAPPENING!  I WILL NEVER DO THIS TO MYSELF AGAIN! I did it before, but at the time I was unemployed and was able to stay home. My boyfriend was able to support me. Now that he's not here, I'm the one that has to care for my children on my own, so I HAVE to go to work. Missing work is just not an option. Thank you for your concerns though. They do mean alot to me. Especially at this crucial time!
Ok, well now it's off to work, I'll be on later to post how my day went! Thank you all!

[Stupid172]

Ok, well the first part of the day is now over, and I did ok...not well but ok. I caught myself dozing off a little while standing still! Weird..never done that before! So I just drank a cup of coffee..got a nice rush of energy and continued trudging along! Now comes the hard part...the next 7 hours. I'm trying to mentally prepare a game plan...if I can get my stuff done early enough in the day, I may be able to just leave as soon as I'm finished. The manager I'm working with tonight, has proven to be really helpful lately. Although we have so many conflicts, she does try!  I know once this day is over, the next few are well, a walk in the park! I know I won't have to work another day like this until next week, and I'm excited! I know by this time next week, I'll be GREAT! Just a few more days, and I'll be fine! What a great feeling, what a great thing the mind is when you set out to accomplish something, I will say today, I had NO desires to do a pill. NONE! Amazing! I think from what I've put my body and mind through in the last few days was all I needed to NEVER think of these evil things again! I'm also trying to FULLY begin my walk in the Truth, but swayed here and there knowing what I was doing was wrong and disgraceful in His eyes. It's over now, I made the decision to dedicate my life, and I'm NEVER looking back!

[tooklastdose]

You are doing great, hand in there, get the next shift done and by thenext time you have to pull a double shift, you will be felling so much better.

You in my prayers.   I'm day 10 and feel so much better, Still tired and slightly achey (achy), but way better.

[jstntime]

I'm so happy you realize this shift is one more small hump to get over.  Yes, you will get a break soon.  Don't put so much pressure on yourself for sleep.  It's quite normal to go without during this time.  

You sound very strong mentally and that is excellent.  It IS mind over matter.  

That first week is getting so close.  I can't wait to congratulate you!!!

bob

[Stupid172]

Thank you both for your support! Just coming home and hearing from you is what's encouraging me to continue on with a smile on my face! It is so hard, but I know it's for the better. That's all I kept saying tonight, this WILL get better, this WILL get better. My entire body is aching from the head down, I moved at the pace of a snail, but I MADE IT! How...I quite don't know yet, but I did fine. I even think I did a little better tonight than last night. I focused more on quality rather than time. It was SO hard though. I'm just SO happy it's over and I go back to working "normal" shifts!  I will post more tomorrow, but I'm so tired, and am truly hoping tonight my body will let me sleep. I tried not to drink alot of coffee in hopes that I'll be tired enough to go sleep. Thank you!

[jstntime]

I think you just made my day knowing it went so well for you at work.  You are doing awesome.

It truly is one day at a time.  An old chinease proverb states: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"  It is so true.  If I was on day 1 and I was thinking about how hard it would be to get to 26 days, I could not have done it.  Keep your goals short-term (like getting through work) which you are now doing.

It's party time when I get that 1st month!!!!!  And by party time, I mean taking my kids out to do something fun!!!

You seem to be carrying all of the ingredients in the recipe to success.

I hope you got some sleep!!!!
Thanks for making my day,

bob

[Stupid172]

I think you made my day with you telling me that I made your day!
I will admit, it has been very tough getting through the past couple of days, but I feel incredibly accomplished for doing so! I'm still so tired, but I know I'm doing just fine, and that is a feeling I lost a while ago. I'm feeling things now that I haven't in a very long time. I'm able to think better.  
Today at work was a little awful, I did manage, and did fine, but I wasn't very productive. It felt like I was trying to move around 2 blocks of cement. I placed myself in a position where I was constantly moving and not standing still, knowing if I were to stand still it would be that much worse on me and my mind. On the way to work, I couldn't stop crying haha! But when I got there, I was able to muster it up and do my job with a smile! I was looking around at everyone today, and how "normal" everyone was, I caught myself wishing I could just FEEL the way they did. I'm usually able to keep up but today I couldn't. I do feel GREAT I got through it unharmed, but I don't like feeling like I'm doing my job well. I pride myself on the work I do, today I was so ashamed. Trust me, I know it's going to get better, and it probably doesn't help that I think this way, but in a way, it helps me to improve and do things better.
I'm going to run and pick my youngest daughter up from the sitter, I'll be back on a little later.
Thank  you Bob, you are always there when I need someone....

[tooklastdose]

another day at work and you made it throug!!  next week will be much better for you

[jstntime]

Hey,

Great job.  Now you get your break and can relax a bit.  The worst is over for the physical stuff.  That's not to say it will be gone now but becomes more tolerable by the day.

As for the work thing.....that's why they pay us; because it $UCKS ha ha  You can't give a thousand percent EVERYDAY stupid!!!! ha ha (man you have to change the name, c'mon already!!!)

Instead of priding yourself on your job, pehaps you should pride yourself on what you are now accomplishing.  Heck, anybody can work hard.  How many of us can do THIS!!!!!!

Hope you're doing well,

bob

[Charetti]

I think you need to change your name to AmazingMomofTwoGirls!!!!!  

[Stupid172]

WOW! Thank you so much for that!!!

[Stupid172]

I relapsed today. I guess I wasn't as strong as I keep trying to make myself believe I was. I was trying so hard to get through this. My legs wouldn't function at work...and I felt so bad. I'm sorry to those who supported me, and I'm also sorry to myself.
I realized afterwards the horrible decision I made, and am now beating myself up. It seemed like a quick fix, and it was, but now I feel worse. Time to start over. Tomorrow is going to again mark Day 1.
I felt so guilty and just horrible, I truly doubt I'm going to put my mind and heart through this again. For some reason I guess I just thought ONE would be ok, but after I took it, I realized that it wasn't going to be. That I just made a horrible and massive mistake. I really want to say I won't do it again, but for some reason at this exact moment, I don't even believe myself.  But from the guilt I'm feeling, for not only letting myself down, but those around who supported me, I'm not sure I can do that to myself and everyone else again.
Starting over...tomorrow is Day 1. I'm sorry.

[jstntime]

Hey,

Please understand that no one here willl ever think less of you for relapsing because everyone here has done the exact same thing.  We know the guilt and shame and everything that comes with it too.We are here to support each other, using or not.  I hope you understand this.  

Taking one will not reset you to day one if you still want to do this.  It doesn't sound like you are ready when you say you don't believe yourself.

This has to be something you have to want bad to make it happen.  Remember, it's only one at this point, how many thousands more are you willing to take to get back to this same crossroad in your life???

You are so young still.  I only wish I knew at your age what you do NOW.  I would have saved myself from those thousands.  It's all you baby!!!!  This one's YOUR ride, you are the one that decides when to get off.

A 2 decade rider,
Still pulling hard for you that you find the answer,

bob

[Stupid172]

Hey Bob!
Thank  you for your support! I understand that everyone here is nothing but supportive, even during the tough times. I truly appreciate that!  I love posting and talking here, there are so many others I can relate to!  Most of us, the people in our lives don't know, or just don't understand the trials we are facing with this. That's what makes this place so great!
You are right, I have to want this in order to succeed! AND I DO!! I think yesterday, I was just being so hard on myself and forgetting exactly what I was focusing on. I hate feeling like I've let myself and others around me down, it embarrasses me!
I've regained my senses and realized that feeling sorry for myself is not going to help! I just need to jump back on and continue. I see myself succeeding, I lost sight of that yesterday when they were in front of me, the mind is a terrible thing. I'm actually happy it happened the way it did, so I could feel that shame and guilt. I see what I would do to MYSELF for falling, I see that I'M the only one who would do this to myself, and now I see I'M the one that has to succeed. After I thought about it, I know I made a mistake, and blaming myself is just going to make things worse. I need to regain that positive attitude I had at Day 1. I can safely say, that it's back!
Now, when I even think of taking just ONE again, I'll remember the guilt it posed on me. I'll remember how shameful and embarrassing it was for me, and that will to succeed will grow even stronger!
Thank you so much for your support, it really helped and made me feel a little better for falling, I know I'm not the only one, I know I'm going to be fine. You are always there when I need someone Bob, you are a God Send to me! THANK YOU!!!!

[tooklastdose]

It happens, don't beat yourself up.   Get back on track and you will do well.
Hang in there.  

[Stupid172]

Thank you! I will and I am! My eyes are back on the prize!

[tooklastdose]

good for you.   I always check to see if you are all right.   Back on track and keep up the good work.  Yes it is work.  .....

[Stupid172]

Thank you so much again. Between you and Bob, I know I have GREAT support behind me. I also want to take the time now and CONGRATULATE YOU on your success! Hearing how well you are doing helps me to keep trudging along!  Your story inspires me. If you can do it, I know I can do it as well! Soon enough I'll be right behind you! I had a little setback, but I'm back now. I have to keep my girls in my mind and the things I want to do with them. I know I HAVE to get there for THEM! And I WILL!
You truly are an inspiration to me and everyone who has gotten the privilege to talk to you and Bob! The both of you are right behind everyone giving your support! I'm hoping to be there with the both of you soon and encouraging the ones who are where I've been! I really can't thank the both of you enough!

[tooklastdose]

Hope your day is going better for you.   I think it best to flush the pills.  I know if there was any in the house right now, they would be inside of me.

Hang in there.

[tooklastdose]

Just checking in to make sure you are doing ok.

[tooklastdose]

how are you doing ???

[tooklastdose]

still looking to see how your are doing.   we are all here for you.

[tooklastdose]

I hope you are out there and doing ok.  Please let us know either way.
Thanks

[Stupid172]

Hey there! I'm here...but not really doing ok! I sent  you a message to your inbox. Thank you for your concern!

[subpop200]

I'm quitting myself.  I was on a habit of opium pods, the actual opium plant heads dried up and grinded and drank for about 9 months, the last two months I got on heroin and it was on and off, every 4-5 days the first month then the beginning of the last month every 2 days then the last week of using every day 2-3 bags snorted of 20 dollar bags which are pretty damn strong.  And I was still using 5-6 jumbo sized opium plant heads here and there during this.  I felt that feeling you had of relapsing before and again this time but with something much weaker thankfully.  My last dose was wednesday at night (3 bags of heroin).  Thursday cold turkey, Friday cold turkey until about 6 oclock where I took one little 50 mg ultram, Saturday in other words today cold turkey, and tomorrow most definitely cold turkey and beyond.  

You just inspired me to a ridiculous extent.  I'm having the same problems as you, no sleep really with something worse that's plagueing me.  Severe restless leg syndrome.  I definitely want to keep in touch with you because I had many of the same problems like crying my *** off and friday night was probably the worst where I cried so hard and prayed to God with insane amounts of tears in my eyes because the pain was unbearable...my blood pressure spiked, I couldn't breath, I got one of the worst migraines I ever had, I had horrible chills, and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.  But I got through it and the next day I decided to go to the doctor and get some benzos for anxiety which was just a small dose enough for like 5 days and some clonidine to get my blood pressure down (when my doctor saw how high my blood pressure was he was scared for me...my withdrawal is horrible).  

Anyway, my point is...you said you took one percocet.  If you really want to succeed in this now, whatever percocet you have laying around THROW DOWN THE TOILET.  I took like 20 ultram after I took that one ultram and threw it all down the toilet.  Boy did I feel REAL good about that.  I felt powerful.  And then I went above and beyond and made it so I have no way to turn back.  All my connections to opiates are gone.  Impossible to get.  My dealer for heroin, I threatened him to stop calling cause my parents will call the cops if he does and they ARE monitoring my phone.  So I deleted his phone number and he actually stopped calling.  Now you are clearly strong as hell for working and going through this...now I have more guts to get up and work out at least and do things with my girl in a couple days.  You are a real inspiration but you MUST destroy all possibilities to get opiates for good.  You can do it.  I'm definitely saving your thread and keeping in touch because I need the support as bad as you need the support.  I was on some pretty heavy stuff for a long time and I REALLY feel bad right now.

[subpop200]

Oh and, I'm literally going through all this alone.  No one knows, just like you.  Once again, that's why you are my guardian angel and inspiration.  Keep it up...if anything we'll do it together.