Relapse......???

[OxyDout]

I recently, a couple of days ago had bought 40mg of oxycontin after my detox of about 10 days, I seem to go back and forth with this, I can never get passed the 3rd day without oxy or methadone, I usually use methadone for a few days and it works well for me, I never use more then 5mg in a day, its just enough to hold me until the next day, although its still painful it keeps me from going to buy any oxy.  Anyway, I used about 3mg of methadone yesterday and 3 this morning, but it doesn't do much since its not the physical withdrawal anymore, its the mental game and I can't get passed it.  I watched 28 days again last night, anyone seen that movie?? its a good one, it fits well with what I'm going through.  
My other question is.... Is it normal to have emotional relapses for a loved one who has died.  I keep going through these deep but short depressive states for a friend who died on sept. 11th, he was my roommate and a best friend for the last 3-4 years. If anyone has any input or any reaction at all, that would be great.

GWH

[DMR]

I lost my father a few years ago....I know how it is to lose a loved one, I am sorry

Keep youself disciplined with the oxycontin. Take them only as needed. How did you get the meds?  WHy did your doctor give you the script if you just came out of detox?

I am actually surprised at a lot of people in this forum as to how they got their hands on so many pills.

My Vicoprofen prescription never exceeded 40 at a time.  Did your doctors give you prescriptions for over 100 pills?

I don't understand
Please explain

[lanas]

I have never been on the oxy or meth, rather I struggle with vicoprofen.  I have also realized that I have not gotten as far into the massive quantities many have (but only b/c I've been limited on how much I can get my hands on).  But I do believe strongly that if I COULD get my hands on oxy--I'd try it (and no doubt would love it).  So I guess my point is, when I speak here, it may not be from the same *drug* addiction, but it is the same ADDICTION.   I can say that I know so well what you mean about the number of days.  I have not been over 2 years without at least ultram in me.  I have not for YEARS known what it is like to not have some prescribed drug in me every single day.  I have never been able to get beyond a day or two.  BUt you sound like you have strength in your ability to monitor what you take; that seems to me to be a powerful "ability" that should help you beat this in the long run.  You know, so many have said not to beat yourself up when you slide--we're all going to.  Just think about how far you have come and try to make that a power to your progressing even further (even if you backslide).
As to the death of your friend--I don't know how the drugs you take may affect that, but the grieving process is a very long one; in some ways, you've only started that.  Do you have anyone that you can talk to about your friend?  A mutual friend of the three of you who would understand your feelings and especially feelings of loss?  Couldn't hurt to talk with them.

[skipper]

gwh:
that third day thing...oh yeah! after the third day instead of
going back to the oxy or using any more methadone try out some
darvon. i've detoxed myself in the past with darvon. to my
suprise it actually worked quite well. it took care of most of
the symptoms of w/d quite well. the reasion i was suprised is
darvon is a ****-poor pain reliever.

about the loss of your friend...there is a way thru the pain and
sorrow. it just might take quite a bit of time. the first time
i ever cleaned up, it was with the help of a man who later be-
came my "sponser" in a 12 step program. this man scraped me up
out of the gutter and literally saved my miserable ass. like the
"old timers" in akron, this man took me into his own home and
let me live there until i could get back on my feet. i owe this
man my life, as do many, many others. some of the people he
helped turned and stole anything the could from him. it didn't
stop him. i have never seen a beter example of someoe who "gave
it away in order to keep it!" the number of people in the 13
years this man was in AA helped, had to number into the hundreds.
after a long illness he died. in the final weeks of his life,
some of the many he helped brought an AA meeting to his hospital
room. i can remember asking many of the people he helped, if
they would come to this special meeting for a man who gave so
much. i couldn't believe some of the lame ass excuses i heard.
stuff like "oh i'm going to a movie tonight, i can't make it."
too this very day i carry a huge amount of disapointment and
resentment. i couldn't believe that out of all the people he
helped, how few could spare an hour for him. i just can't seem
to let go of this. he died 16 years ago and was laid to rest
in a small rural cemetary about 2 hours from where i now live.
my wife (who he introdeuced me to) and i visited his grave last
fall. we both sat at his grave and cried and prayed and meditated
for several hours. i kept hearing him tell me something that he
told me the first week that i knew him. he told me "i'm going to
love and care about you and there isn't a damm thing you can do
about it!" powerful words...that both scared and comforted me.
after 16 years, i finally was able to start letting go of the
disapointments and resentments i spoke of earlyer.

today i have faith there is a way thru any disapointment and re-
sentment that will present it's self to me. it doesn't happen
as quickly as i would like, but it does happen. your friend will
always live as long as you can take the time to remember him

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[Francoise]

Let me tell you about oxycontin. Since it's time release, you have to take more and more for less and less results. So what folks do is crush it and snort it. Dumb. That way you're getting the whole nosefull at one time. And if you're up to, say, 100 mg a day of that stuff crushed and snorted, you're working on a very expensive addiction, like all the rest.

Oxy is said to be more addictive than heroin. I believe it.

Best you leave that one alone. You've already got more than your share of problems.

Francois

[Schlub]

Try Buprenex to withdraw. It's painless withdrawal. Really quite incredible. I'm day 5 withdrawaing now, and I feel fine ecept for a very slight lethargy, which will worsen in week 2 when I quit the Buprenex but that's normal for opiate withdrawal. The point is, you get past the first week of detox PAINLESSLY with zero withdrawal symptoms.

[Jack Frost]

Lanas that was a good post and a very supportive response and I agree completely. GWH, the fact that you still care, that you want to get clean will take you far. Just focus on today and if today ends up a bust, get out of bed tommorrow morning and focus on the here and now, then. Make sense?

As far as the interconnecion of grieving for a lost one and drug abuse it is well established. I can tell you that for a long time the way I dealt with mulitple deaths was to stay numb with drugs and it works for awhile, but the grief will always resurface. I also agree with what Kip said, the person is always with you. At times I feel those who I lost and draw strength from them.

Hang in there, keep trying.

JF

[mrmichael67]

He didn't get the oxy from his doc.  He got it from his friend.  Some people get what they get because they are in pain management and get a month's worth of meds.  I know I do.  Get 90 80 mg oxys at a clip.

[Ketta]

Read your post. I too am very surprised folks get Rxs that go on and on...for vicodin, Lortab, etc. I too, was never given more than 30- and only after getting out of the Hospital with a major disease! I was not even given re-fills. I had to call the pharmacy and request an "authorization." The heart attack I had while on hold to make the request was almost not worth it. As noted, I just go without now. It's sick, but I get jealous reading how so and so has 100 pills and can't decide whether or not to eat 'em. If I have 'em- I eat 'em. I sell the idea of 'better off' to myself, becase I just don't have any. This is not the case all the time. I really do not want to damage my liver any further. I want to have kids, and I deeply love my hubby. And for those reasons, I refrain from doc. hopping, hunting, stealing, etc. but part of that is fear too- and that's just being honest.
I know folks in pain clinics get a larger lot at a time. My mom is in one, and they monitor it closely. She does however get a month's worth, i.e. 120 pills. I can not imagine having 120 vicodin at one time. It's likely best that I never will.

[joey25]

I think what a lot of you idiots are missing here is the fact  that people that have all of these pills aren't getting them prescribed to them from doctors, and they arent buring them at pharmacies.  They buy them illegally on the streets, like most of us drug addcits do!  Duh, idiots!

[OxyDout]

thank you all for the responses, as Joesomething or other before me posted SO UNHEARTEDLY!! (no need for that tone Joe...) I buy off the street, both oxy and methadone, and they are there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, this kid has 1,000 80 mg pills all the time, but **** him and **** the pills, i'm doing very well at work, i'm right out of college and things are going better then expected.  Kip, sounds like a great guy, i do actually believe that Pete, the friend I lost, is always with me, i told him 3 nights ago that I"m quitting for not only myself but him.  I miss him to death.  Thanks again for everything, you all are incredible.

GWH

[OxyDout]

28 days " if anyone had a clue as to how wrong it felt to be sober, they would never think of asking us to stop"

        " yea, because the instant fix has worked so well in the past for you"

        " do you realize everyone here is in here because they wanted to use one more time"

[mrmichael67]

Usually, if someone has a whole lot of say oxys, he or she got them from the doc.  Most people can't afford a whole lot of them.  They go for up to $1 a mg.  I know i'm not getting them from the street.  I get a script from the doc and get it filled at a pharmacy.

[mrmichael67]

I would have to say that you are the idiot.  A little common sense goes a long way.

[mrmichael67]

By the way, I am a legitimate pain management patient.  I get my meds legally and have a legitimate use for them.  I think you should take your head out of your ass and be more informed before making such a general statement.

[Unwise]

I too receive 120 vics a month from my doctor for a legit back injury.  I couldn't afford to buy them on the street from the little shits who charge ten bucks (at least) for a single lortab. And quite frankly, at this point in my life, I would not have the faintest idea of where to go to get them on the street.  So Joe may be right that it's out there on the street, but he's dead wrong in assuming that we're all idiots, at least in that regard.  Oh well, every village needs a village idiot...

But the fact that docs and pain managements do dole it out in such big quantities does raise the obvious question of what to do when you want to stop.  The docs must know that after months or years of those kind of doses, you can't just quit without some medical intervention to avoid withdrawal, so it only makes sense (!) that they would be prepared to help their patients get off the meds they either no longer need or want to be dependent on.

Then again, look at health care in this country...

[1fortheroad]

i have yet again relapsed and truly hate myself right now.  buprenex is a great way to get thru wd without much pain, but after it is gone there is the same old feelings of panic, pain, etc.

i really don't know what i'm going to do now.  i have been around and around like a lot of you folks with this and it seems quite hopeless at the moment.

i wake up in the morning and think what now?  should i try to sleep this day away and hope for a better tomorrow?  that is what i did yesterday. i keep hoping that i will wake up and this will have all been a bad nightmare.

sorry for the negativity...you all have been so inspiring to me - wish i could get off this merry-go-round.

[peechi]

I wish all you people could be in my living room showing me what to do. I hate pills and they love me. I've had this problem for 12yrs  three times sober, And it was good I loved it. So I don't understand why I do what I do.I am 45yrs old am I fighting a losing battle? do people like me always live like this. I thought the Lord delivered me from this! My father died 2 weeks ago and he did not leave me as much as a note. I didn't understand that either. He was the same as me... So I want to quit but some side of me says, just for a little while longer. Till you get over this hump. Do addicts stay the same forever and ever, should we all just join methadone treament centers... Are we kidding our selves into thinking we can be sober with the rest of the world? Do any of you have any wisdom for me???? Please Not Peechi at the moment

[OxyDout]

hey guys, I'm doing well, and I appreciate all the help, I bought some l-tyrosene, 5htp and zinc, I need some insight on the recipe, I know I got the right stuff, don't have the bottles in front of me, so I don't know if I posted the right ingredients.......... how much do I take, how ofen and when does it kick in???

GWH

[stars]

i truly believe it in within all of us the power to overcome anything we want.  for me it takes my full inner strenght and my faith in God.  i don't think we HAVE to be like this for the rest of our lives.  after my 9th day of being clean, not only did i contact ALL my doctors (in which one dr. was prescribing 240 7.5's a month, in which i was taking every two weeks) and told them NEVER to give any type of opiate based medication, i start counseling next week on educating myself about addiction.  i am 44 years old, and i know how to live this life without an addiction even if its not for long, and i love life.  but i'm tierd of going from one thing to another to make me feel good.  Hell, i was even addicted to excercise for 3 years....  talk about not feeling any pain and being high.... i have overcome many addictions, drinking, smoking, shopping, excercise, and now drug addiction.  each addiction i had began by some type of reaction of something negitive in my life, and each addiction ended by surrendering myself to God.  He will free me from this!  9 days and i dont even have the craving.  tierd and achey (achy), but a small price to pay for skipping out of reality for years.  our minds are so much stronger than we know.  you have to WANT the change so bad in your life that you pull from within and fight the need you THINK you have to have..  the choice is truly ours, and its very simple...  its one way or the other...  i think about the people within this forum alot...  i hold all of you very near and understand every bit of your pain.  i will continue to pray for each of you.  keep yourself open to deliverance, and it will come....  blessings....

[1fortheroad]

all of your comments have really helped get me thru some tough times, and i thank god i found this site.  as someone mentioned, it is a lot more convenient than going to aa or na.  when i'm going thru wd, dragging my sorry butt to a meeting is nearly impossible - i'm lucky if i can muster the energy to take a shower.  i'm wondering what going thru wd on a regular basis does to your body.  i probably deal with wd a couple times a month because i run out of stuff.  i was looking at pictures of myself and family from a couple years ago, and to me i look so healthy - almost glowing.  i so wish i could get back to that way of life.  i tell you...i have almost given up hope that i can reach some sort of awakening to pull me thru this...i read about people reaching some sort of spiritual eye opener that gets them thru - i just don't have that type of faith.  some say that you need to hit rock bottom first...i sure feel that i have done that.  on days like today, i feel that it is going to take something like a lightening bolt hitting me to get me thru this...

[stars]

if i may just make a quick comment to your honest message.  i am not a holier than thou type of person, but i need to express to you that if you truly want to stop this cycle all you need to do is open yourself up and ask God to take this away from you.  Sometimes he doesnt answer us as quickly as we would like, but i promise you if you keep asking Him for His help He will give it to you.  you just have to trust Him.  talk to Him often.  He hears us groovy, i promise you...  i even swear that my withdrawl symptoms where cut in half, just due to the prayers of people i know that know about my addiction and the fact that i trusted God to get me thru the weeks of utter HELL.  ****... like i said in a post last night, yesterday was my 9th day free, and i spent the whole damn day at Disneyland havin the time of my life!!!!!  i also would like to comment about the part where you said you were looking at a picture of yourself and how wonderful you looked then.  within 4 days of stopping my 20+ a day habit of Hydrocodone, not only did my husband notice a difference in how i looked, but i had three people that i know that i looked so much healthier.  i've been losing alot of water retention.  just know sweety, all of here want to help one another.  my story is just one of many of ways to free ourselves.  i wish i could take everyones pain away, because i have lived it...  today is day 10, it is an awesome day, i will take an hour and half of my time to drive somewhere beautiful and quiet and reflect on the last 3 years of my life.  and i will find stronger inner freedom with each day i do this...  i will use God as a conduit to send my feelings of peace and freedom to you.....

[confused.grl]

That was the most beautiful thing i have heard in a long time.

[stars]

:)    thank you......  :)

[MrsMann]

I'm have been free of all the HC for 9 days today.  Feels like an eternity. Sad part is, I'm a Christian.  I claim to have faith in God, and trust Jesus to carry me, not some stupid pill.  I've been reading all your comments for a good while now.  I'm not sure at all how I would up here, all I know is here I am.  I have become a very resourceful person when it comes to getting what I THINK I need.  It makes me ill.  

Oh well, just wanted to say hi and let you all know you're not alone, wherever in the world you are.

[stars]

First of all congradulations on your 9th day!!!!!  that is something to be very proud of.  today is my 13th day!  not feeling all that great, but spirtually i am...  i to have considered myself a Christian, but we all have to realize that even as Christians we fail....  we all have our reasons for our actions.  God doesnt condemn us for our failures, but He rejoices in our openness to Him and welcomes every request that we make..  MrsMann, we are all here at this point in our lives for a reason, be it good or bad, and i truly believe that with His help we can be free...  i am living proof of that..  no one loved their addiction more than me, but i got tierd, and weak and i knew the only way out of my hell was to asked to be delivered and i was....  this forum has been of great help to me, not only that but the prayers of so many friends and family.  i am so lucky..  please please keep up your good work, feeling like **** for awhile is a small price to pay for the final outcome.  i will pray for you as i do every single person that posts on here.  its 12:30 pm and i need to see if i can sleep...  havent been able to sleep for awhile...  love and Gods true blessings to you...

[jennyfla]

Congratulations Star, and 'Star' is a great name!  Shoot for the stars, keep the pills away and everything you want to accomplish in life is your's if you want it.
I definately believe in trusting God and talking to him often.  Sometimes i even hear him answer through my own words to myself.  He knows i know what is right and what needs to be done, he has faith that i can free myself of this addiction!
Everyone else detoxing, congratulations and keep going!  It will only getting better and better, but you will have your bad days, but they won't last!  Take your mind off of your cravings by taking a walk, doing something that you enjoy, and the craving will go away for a while.
GHW, Stay strong, and try to stay away from the methadone, it has a way of creeping up on you!  Also, about your friend.  Talk to him and know that he can hear every word you say, and that he is with you even if his body is gone!  His spirit is with you, and he wants you to get better for you!
I hope to be able to post a success story about myself soon.  I'm looking into the buph approach of detoxing.  I can't do a 'cold turkey' with my three young children to care for, no one lets me rest for even one minute around here!  I know they would understand if mommy wasn't feeling well, and they would find strength to do more for themselves, but i always feel i need to be there 100% for them.  I know they'd rather have a well mommy, so a couple weeks wouldn't kill them!  Plus, i plan to use them as my survival techique after i detox.  They will be my lifeforce to be strong and not turn back to a life with drugs.  I will use them, and they will be rewarded with a better mommy!
Stay strong everyone!
Lv Jenny

[DMR]

I am astonished that all of your doctors prescribe you all so many pills (even if you tell them you are addicted)

I am on my 13th day of not having Vics and I feel Great...that is with no withdrawl problem nor psychological cravings

But I still have Pain, and lots of it, I tried this supplement called DL-Phenylalanine and it works but with one very bothersome side effect:  Nervousness and Anxiety leading to panic attacks.

I don't recommend the use of this Phenylalanine at all (especially if you get nervous or panic  easily)

Does anyone have any comments or experience with Phenylalanine ???

Please post
THank you

[Unwise]

Yes, I have taken phenalynine and had a similar reaction.  Taking aminos can be as tricky as "regular" drugs, so be careful.  I am sorry you are still in pain, however.  I take it that none of the new analgesics (like Vioxx) work for you?  I was given Ultram a few years ago, took it, but it did not help me.  I tend to bone up on whatever drugs are in my system and read that it was a kind of SSRI and since I was on prozac, it was contraindicated anyway so I threw it away.  Then I started reading these horror stories in this forum about people being addicted to Ultram, and it is not even a narcotic.  That baffles me, but I take it at face value.

I found stars' posts to be very inspiring.  They gave me a lot of hope. My problem is that I am somewhere between agnostic and atheist, and therefore unable to rely on Christ, God, or any other divine form of intervention to help me in this time of crisis.  Short of my being born again, which I seriously doubt will happen, does anyone have any advice for someone who is not Christian, much less religious?  As much as I respect anyone's religious beliefs, I am not looking to be converted--I was raised Episcopalian and have tried everything from Quaker to Buddhism-- but I would like to hear from anyone who shares my own beliefs (or lack thereof) or at least someone who is empathatic to my situation and has advice or words of wisdom in that regard.

[stars]

this is the most bitchin thing about this forum, everyone is so honest.  how refreshing!  unwise, i thank you for the compliment, and i am glad to see that i was somewhat of an inspiration to you only if it was for a brief second.  as i have expressed here on these boards before, i don't get on a pedestal and ram God or religion down peoples throats, only because choosing that path is a personal decision.  i have been around long enough to know what works in my life.  God has proved Himself to me many times, and has yet to fail me.  tomorrow will my 14th day Vic free!  this freedom didnt come because i am strong, because no one loved poppin those things more than me..  they were my weakness, and i am lucky enough to know the strenght of God...  that is why i am free!!!  and i also know that i will not go back.....  but its one day at a time.  unwise, whatever path you choose and your happy with, then i am happy for you.  but His awesome power is above and beyond anything we can accomplish on our own...  this i promise..  i truly hope you find everything you need to be happy and free!  with love....  stars...

[stars]

hi jennyfla, thank you for your kind words, i truly appreicate your encouragment and support.  i also pray that i read your success story on here soon also..  its within all of us to want to change.  i understand your thougts about detoxing away from home, it was something i thought about also due to the fact that i have 4 children.  the important thing is, is that you make the decision to do something.  my prayers and thoughts are with you. wishing you Peace....  love, stars.........

[Unwise]

Thank you, stars.  Your faith is a beautiful thing and I appreciate the fact that you do not try to ram religion down people's throats.  From my experience, that's a surefire way to get them to reject it wholesale.  As you said, it is a personal decision.  For me it has been a long road of introspection that finally led me to what I believe in.  And I do believe.  I have a concept of god with which I am very comfortable, but it is not a god that I can ask for help or who guides me.  It is not the god of organized religion, dogma, or judgement.  It is not an entity who watches out for me or anyone else, who bestows fortune on some and misery on others.  For what it's worth and for whoever is curious, my "god" (I use that term loosely) is merely the miracle of this existence, of the universe and all its inexplicable marvels.  It is the bittersweet mystery of this life.  God, to me, is us, all of us.  And this earth is either heaven or hell, depending on what we make of it, how we treat each other, and how others treat us.  So we are all capable of being angels or devils and most of us are a little of both.  I believe we each have the power to make our world and our lives a better.  Finding that power is the hard part, though it is easier for those like you who have faith in a divine being capable of helping you along that path.  Good for you.  I envy that faith, in a way, and am very happy for you and the goodness it has brought into your life, which you have shared with all of us.  In that way, you have also brought me hope in your own unique way.  Indeed, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

[DMR]

I am not a Christian.  I was raised an Orthodox Hindu.  My faith is not as strong as my religion says it should be.  But I do believe in God and his power.

Unwise, why don't you try some transcendental meditation.  Pick up a book from the library.  You don't have to be involved in Hinduism to practice this technique of relaxation.  You will surprisingly find power to do anything you want from this if done correctly with the correct mindset.  Give it a try if you have time.  

Can you please elaborate on how DL-phenylaline made you feel specifically if you can?

Thanks & Good Luck
DMR

[MrsMann]

I have a question about what someone said earlier about Amino Acids being dangerous.  I took L-Tyrosine for a week or so and noticed a few strange feelings, but just chalked it up to it being w/d symptoms.  TODAY IS DAY 11 and I actually slept NORMALLY last night!  Not all night, not by a long shot, but it's better than nothing at all!  It's so great to be free of the cold sweat pouring all over my body all day and all night, getting hot then cold then hot again and being soaking wet from it all.  

Strange thing is, w/d sneaked up on me - I mean, I had been taking HC (7.5/500) for the longest time and I'd quit for long periods of time between Rx's with absolutely no problem.  It was when they upped the mg to 10/325 that the nightmare started.  I really, honestly had no idea what could happen if/when I stopped or ran out or whatever.  I thought I had the flu that first time, but then it happened again and the truth came crashing down on me.  

Anyway, who can tell me about amino acid problems?

[Unwise]

Thank you for the suggest involving TM.  I have tried it before, along with yoga, and found both to be very effective.  My problem right now is attaining the mindset in order for it to work.  Right now I am dealing with chronic depression and a relentless workload, which combined, leave me with little time except to worry about how I am going to make through the next day without losing my mind.  I keep looking at the calendar and trying to find a weekend or even longer that I can have for myself, in which I can not only devote some time to introspection, but also deal with addiction, withdrawal, and everything that comes with those things.  Last night I was seriously considering checking in to a hospital or rehab facility.  Today I am thinking that if I can find a good psychiatrist who deals with addiction then that may be enough to get me on the road to recovery.  The problem with depression is that it saps your energy and hope to such a degree that you don't even want to pick up the phone and make that call.  Sooner or later I need to surrender myself to something or someone who can help me. Were I religious, it would be God, but that argument has already been beaten to death on this and other threads, so I will not rehash it.  Thanks again for your ideas and as always, good luck.

[stars]

i'm truly sorry that you find my method of sanity and being free from addiction a subject that can be beaten to death!  

wishing you peace.....  stars.......

[Unwise]

I think you misinterpreted me.  I only meant that I, personally, have beaten the subject of God and religion to death on these threads of late.  I didn't mean to imply that you had done so, and I certainly do not denigrate your beliefs.  It's just that we (all of us) seem to go round and round sometimes, and just as the classic saying goes, "Never argue about politics or religion," I felt that I had pretty much said all I had to say and was beating a dead horse.  I didn't want to rehash what I had already said, that's all I meant.  I in no way meant to imply that your belief system is not worthy of discussion, nor would I ever attempt to censure you for speaking out on it.  Certainly the topic of God and religion will never run out of fuel for debate, and all I meant in my post was that I think I had made myself clear and didn't want to be redundant.  And that I had run out of fuel for the time being. Perhaps my choice of words was poor if it caused you any grief by misinterpreting my true intent I apologize.  I hope you understand what I meant and that I have made myself a little more clear this time around.  

Peace to you too.

[JR.]

I read your posts about being a christian and being an addict. You need to know as I had to be reminded, that we are still in this world and we, as human beings, are still fallible, still exposed to the same things that any other human on this earth is exposed to. I too, am a christian and went through 12 years of vicodin addiction as a christian. I don't use the word Christian loosely. It's not that we are exempt from any of the trials of this world. We make decisions day to day that either enhance our lives or adversly affect our lives. We are no different than anyone else. The term "Christian" does not imply perfection only forgiven. I am now at 290 days clean and I love every minute of it. Man, you could give me a bottle of 30 vics and they were gone in 10 hrs. That was nothing. Like Stars commented on in her posts,(Hi Stars, drop me a line)I loved my pills, hated the addiction after awhile but I loved my pills. I also hated the consequences that they brought into my life. Now I see clearly. There is so much wisdom, learned wisdom on this forum. You just settle in each day and take time to read the successes. Each day clean is a success and a preparation for the next day of challenge and success. It only comes one day at a time. We are here for you. I have been out of pocket for a few days and am here until Sunday. Please ask questions. There is an answer out here that you will find. Now I will say HI to Unwise, Ketta!, Witchywoman, Skipper and anyone else that I may have forgotten. You guys are the greatest. To echo Stars, I Know Whom I have Believed. Jesus Christ.

In His Love, JR.~

[stars]

Hey you!!!!!  totally have missed you.  day 15 today....  and i praise God!  i can't even remember the last time i felt this good.  its so awesome...  you are so right about everything being so clear.  i almost feel as though i have been asleep for years.  feels good to laugh so hard you have to pull over to the side of the road.  that is really who i am!  the hard part for me that the reality of all the physical and emotional abuse that i had taken from my boss is all coming to light..  i know that the Vicodin was my escape...  i was numb, i was able to sleep, i just didnt care.  not to mention the fact that he (my boss) made me feel so worthless, so my lil pills made me feel so much better!!  so i thought...  but anyway, i am standing firm in my sobriety, allowing God our Father to pave my way, so i may walk His walk....  He will see me through this...  i did have one disappointing thing happen this past week JR, where i went to my psychiatrist on Wednesday (she is helping deal with my depression from my situation at work) anyway...  i told her about the abuse of my Vicodin and she wasnt real happy with me.  in fact she made me feel as though i was a criminal and told me that i needed to get random drug testing and needed to find some type of NA group.  i can understand her being upset, due to the fact that she prescribes my anti-depressents, but i am not one who takes orders such as thoses very easily, because "I" know my heart and my soul, and "I" know the personal hell of "MY" addiction, i feel as her asking me to do these things will just be a negitive reminder of what has been taken from me through Gods grace.  i hope you have some insight for me JR...  i knew that the days ahead were going to be rough and i welcome every trial with open eyes and with the mind of a women who is free from her addiction. i cant wait to hear from you...  you have been of such great support to these message boards..  we are lucky to have you!  i surround you and everyone on here with love and prayers....  prayers of strenght and peace!  write soon!  because He Lives....  stars....

[stars]

Hey you!!!!!  totally have missed you.  day 15 today....  and i praise God!  i can't even remember the last time i felt this good.  its so awesome...  you are so right about everything being so clear.  i almost feel as though i have been asleep for years.  feels good to laugh so hard you have to pull over to the side of the road.  that is really who i am!  the hard part for me that the reality of all the physical and emotional abuse that i had taken from my boss is all coming to light..  i know that the Vicodin was my escape...  i was numb, i was able to sleep, i just didnt care.  not to mention the fact that he (my boss) made me feel so worthless, so my lil pills made me feel so much better!!  so i thought...  but anyway, i am standing firm in my sobriety, allowing God our Father to pave my way, so i may walk His walk....  He will see me through this...  i did have one disappointing thing happen this past week JR, where i went to my psychiatrist on Wednesday (she is helping deal with my depression from my situation at work) anyway...  i told her about the abuse of my Vicodin and she wasnt real happy with me.  in fact she made me feel as though i was a criminal and told me that i needed to get random drug testing and needed to find some type of NA group.  i can understand her being upset, due to the fact that she prescribes my anti-depressents, but i am not one who takes orders such as thoses very easily, because "I" know my heart and my soul, and "I" know the personal hell of "MY" addiction, i feel as her asking me to do these things will just be a negitive reminder of what has been taken from me through Gods grace.  i hope you have some insight for me JR...  i knew that the days ahead were going to be rough and i welcome every trial with open eyes and with the mind of a women who is free from her addiction. i cant wait to hear from you...  you have been of such great support to these message boards..  we are lucky to have you!  i surround you and everyone on here with love and prayers....  prayers of strenght and peace!  write soon!  because He Lives....  stars....

[JR.]

I am just beside myself to hear that you are totally digesting your sobriety. Not only that, but you KNOW IT! Praise Him!. I missed you and all of the other friends on this forum as well. Thank you for the kind words. What I have is not mine but for all of you. That is the great thing about this forum. We all are giving of ourselves.

You see, I truly believe, as I look back in retrospect, that we were so engulfed in ourselves that this self-centrism almost brought us to our destruction. It certainly fed the addiction and I do firmly believe this. I too, believe that I tried to hide from the reality of what I was exposed to over the years. Maybe sometime I will tell you about some of them. Not here though. This place is for healing. I found that the vics help me deal with the issues of day to day exposure. What a crock! All they did was set me up for the greatest fall I've taken to date and hope never will again.

As far as your psych. getting upset, I am sorry that this happened. If she was righteous in doing so then take it to heart. Like you said, she does prescribe other meds to you and there is an element of trust involved for her being able to help you. You know all of this so I won't beat a dead horse. If she is helping you, then by all means, cooperate. But I will add this. You just continue to look to the Author and Finisher of our faith. The Alpha and the Omega. He is our beginning and will be our end as well.

I am here for you if not physically( well at least on this forum) then you are surrounded by ministering angels daily. I am always with you in spirit/prayers. I continually pray for everyone on this forum. I pray for clarity, sanity, healing (spiritually, mentally and physically)and the knowledge of true life in sobriety. Let's make that a daily trek, OK? Keep your eyes on the mark. "Know you not that all who run, run for the prize, but only one receives the prize. So run as if to receive the prize." Also remember: "A man's eyes are never satisfied so hell is never full." Pretty profound wouldn't you say?

In His Love, JR.~

[stars]

you need to write a book!!!!!  and i need to take a course on how to send posts to message boards...  duh... still tryin to figure that one out...  maybe i was so excited i clicked the send button twice...  who knows...  lol

i thank you for your advise, it means alot... and what you said made sense, i'm just not sure if i am willing...  i believe i need to rest on her requests and see what happens..  one other thing that was discussed with her was the fact that i had gotten so much support and strenght from the people here...  that i had found a place where i felt secure.  she also seemed to shed a negitve light on that.  it was like i wanted to say "can't you find anything good out of the fact that i have made the initial step from being messed up for so long?"  she said it can be a good thing, but it can also be a not so good thing...  whatever that means.  i am interested in your stories of the places in your life, just let me know how and when...

the last two nights have been the first nights that i have slept all night since i quit.  i pray for another full nights sleep.  

thank you for recognizing the great support that is here for everyone.  it is surely a place that helped me get to where i am today.  i just want so bad for everyone to be at peace here.  

thanks again for responding and being someone who has offered so much to this forum.  continue to carry your light JR....  people need to hear you, your testimony is valuable to so many people here that continue to struggle...  

Blessings,
stars...............

[JR.]

Good morning my friend,

Thanks again for your comments. My wife and I have talked about such things as well based on my past. Who knows, it could be a possibility. I have'nt really prayed about it much.

I can see where your doc may be coming from and I believe that she is only trying to protect you. There is alot of pain here and she could be thinking that since you are in the early stages of recovery and what ever other variables are present in your life, she may think that you are at risk. I also know that she does'nt know much else about what goes on here. There is also success and healing as well. It makes me wonder how many other docs know about this(these) forum(s)and the support groups that they are. I do know that there was another sight that I was using last year and it seemed the main focus on that one was getting info on how to get more prescription drugs through suppliers and on-line drugs. I know that there are other on line sights out there that do cater to such things. Oh, that other sight was subsequently cancelled. Gee, I wonder why?

All of that being said, just see how she treats you as you go. I certainly won't try to second guess her education and training. She has it, I don't. Just give her a chance.

Those goodnight sleeps are priceless. You wake each morning and feel pretty good. Your body is rested and you have some determination to get up and face each day. Remember, ONE DAY AT A TIME! Nothing more. Read II Chronicles 7:14. That is our mission daily. I am sooo glad that you are enjoying your life. I am beside myself over the fact that you are now seeing clearly. Life is good, and we can thank God daily for healing, sanity and life.

You keep walking my friend, and the strength comes with each challenge that we meet, take on and defeat. You know what I mean. Stay strong and by that, I mean look always to where our strength comes from. See you soon.

In His Love, JR.~

[stars]

all your advise will be followed JR.....  i am also looking into an addicts recovery group...  not sure if i want NA though..  i will see where He leads me...  your time and input has been priceless...  you truly have helped give me the strenght to get through each day...  i am so so happy JR...  

blessings....  stars

[lifeisbetter]

Hi, I just want to let all of you know about the word hope. For a very long time I had no concept of it. As briefly as possible I want to share this with you. I am a mom, with 3 young children who lived for opiates too.(Jennyfla, I was moved mostly by your posts)The beauty of denial is that I thought I grew up in a functional family. Since my dad and brother were both alchohlic/addicts I avoided drugs at all costs.I grew up, became a nurse,married and became a mommy. All was well until the first c-section and subsequent prescriptions to Vicodan. Not having to explain this too you all, after my third child and 5 years into my addiction, I found a dealer and the Oxys. At this point,denial completely intact, I even used throughout my last pregnancy, detoxed again for the umpteenth time 3 days before I delivered so she wouldnt be born addicted. In truth, I have to say I did it so I wouldnt get caught and have to stop, the drugs came before even my baby! Fast forward another year, after bankrupcy,domestic violence,living in a womans shelter things were pretty hard to deny. Denial was easy for so long because I fooled everyone,HRS,family,husband,job,nobody believed I was an addict because I looked so sweet.My bottom came when I woke up one morning to the phone ringing. I was passed out from snorting 4-80's a day. The police were on the way to the office at my apartment building because my 2 and 4 year old were found wandering around across the street. They had been out for an hour!How I kept custody and didnt even get HRS involved I can only attribute to my higher power. That night I asked my children to pray for mommy to get help. I had no family,friends or anywhere to leave my kids. Two days later I was in a rehab and my children were being loved and provided for by a Christian couple who only knew me through a friend. It has been a year now since that trip to rehab. I go to meetings,my family is back together,we attend church pretty regularly,I have a good job,(not nursing yet...too many pills)and best of all I have hope! The higher power thing was something that came to me, I believe, only because I asked for it. I felt so low I had my kids pray. I didnt think he would listen to me. Today I KNOW better. I wish I could claim only success since rehab. I did have one relapse which I really believed wouldnt happen,it happened because I stopped praying and stopped being reminded regularly that I AM AN ADDICT. Fortunately, I knew what to do, I went to a meeting and reached out. Thats all I had to do, God really has done for me what I couldnt do for myself. All started by the fervant prayer of a little child.(And let me tell you I was only using the oxys again for 6 weeks so I figured the Withdrawels would'nt be that bad,wrong,with each detox THEY GET WORSE!!! Please, to all of you,have faith in something... you don't have to know who it is,all I did was ask to be shown the truth. At that point I prayed too "whoever you are", today, I have little doubt. To all you mothers who are stuck in this nightmare, I understand so so much how you feel. Jenny you have 3 kids and you say you are 100% devoted to them, maybe you are, but I couldnt and wasnt until I learned how to take care of me. When I was using there was no me. It was agonizing to leave them for 3 MONTHES!!! But you know what? They're ok, it was hard for them harder then I will allow myself to feel yet, but today we talk about everything,no secrets, no more mommy yelling and going to the bathroom to close the door,use, and then come out as if nothing happens. Today when I yell, I can say sorry...or not,I don't give them that most terrible message they once heard...I love you,now go away. I am not always happy,feelings can really stink you know? But I am usually grateful because I have been given so much to be grateful for. Everything happens for a reason and it takes some of us a long time to get it,but if you want it...Just ask, and then ask again. If anyone feels like I did and you don't think God is listening send me your name,and my kids will pray for you, its worth a try right? But better yet if you are still reading this long winded post,be grateful I'm done, and then just say "Please help me" right here, right now, just say it,and then wait for the blessings to come. Thankyou all for reminding me where I was, and that today I have the choice to never be there again. Hope does exist.I am truly blessed.

[jennyfla]

Thank you for your story, and thank you for your inspiration!
I don't post often, but i guess you've seen enough to know some of my story.
Your words touched me, i can relate so well!
Mommy running into the bathroom after snapping because she was in withdrawal and every skreach and even a pin dropping sounded like a bomb exploding is just too much!!!
Then coming out saying i love you and everything is ok (ha!)
I cry all of the time, for myself, for my kids and also watching my husband slowly kill himself.  I know i'm right behind him!
I'm not afraid of dieing, but i want to live, i want to be here for a long time for myself and for my kids.  I want to watch them grow up and be a grandmother some day.
My 9-year old daughter, who is very smart and sensitive, she knows something's up no doubt.  I hate knowing this and not doing anything about it!  She tells me that she never wants me to die.  Why should a 9-year old be worrying about such a thing and this saddens me.  I talk to god all of the time and i know he's listening.  I just have to be ready enough to put the drugs behind me and move on with life.  I'm standing still right now, i never look forward to anything, no hopes, no dreams, it's all dismall at this point with this addiction hanging over me.  I know there is only harder times and bad times ahead carrying this ball and chain behind me, and this is very sad.  You would think that would be enough to give me the strength to move past this, but it isn't.  I'm still searching for the strength, which i know i have.  I will try to talk to god a bit harder to see what he says, but it always comes back to one thing, get rid of the addiction and life will be good.
I worry about every ache in my body wondering what i'm doing to myself, i feel like i'm rotting away sometimes.
I want to be happy again, and while my children are still young.
I'd hate to wake up one day and see them all gone all grown up, and i missed everything because i was numb all of the time.  That would be too much to bear.
Good luck with your new life, and let your children give you the strength to keep being strong and doing what you need to do for yourself!!!!!
I'm glad you made it to the other side!!! :)
Lv Jenny

[hjp]

I think your name ought to run joe 54321 cause thats your count down to your end dummy; change your name before you come to this forum for help when you're on your ass.  an idiot......hjp