Relapsed

[Overwhelmed10]

Its with a heavy heart and great shame that I write this.  Yesterday a whirlwind of events led me to take a percocet, and I'm back where I began.  I fear I may just not be strong enough to do this.  I feel so awful, all the wonderful people on here helping me, encouraging me, giving me advice and support-all for me to go and mess it all up.  I did realize yesterday having my husband home during such a rough day did not help.  Not going to blame him-I FULLY BLAME ME for my decisions to put that pill in my mouth.  I was telling him over and over how I had the "flu", didn't feel well, and yesterday I really felt like crap.  Yet he could not help me with my daughter because the super bowl and its 24 hour build up programming (eye roll) was more important.  I am the only one that changes diapers, am trying to potty train her(unsuccessfully :( )  I am the only one that does any sort of housework whatsoever.  I am the one that cares for our 3 rescue dogs and cat, that we have had long before my daughter arrived.  He is a slob and I am a bit OCD, so thats always been an issue.  The house right now looks like a tornado hit.  I know I need to let that sh## go, but I have a very hard time having a messy home, as ridiculous as it sounds, I cannot function like that.  I had to bathe my sweet baby-he has never bathed her once her entire life.  I was looking for marker tops she had thrown somewhere-yes the idiot gave her markers!!! And God forbid I got in the way of the TV and was  asking too many questions about where she put the marker tops and he snaps at me big time.  So I have tears in my eyes, but I'm stil not giving in at this point.  I got the bedroom and start reading my Deepak Chopra book that I've found comforting( in tryingh to deal with my father's situation), and phone rings, its my mom.  She had went to see my Dad, (they have been divorced for 32 years but are still "family.")  He can barely see now.  He just got over a bug that almost killed him, he was given 2-3 months to live (bone cancer) and now he is losing his vision!  Can this man get a break?  This sweet sweet simple country man, full of love, can he get a damn break? ??  Last time I was up I had taken him to get a new hearing aid and new glasses.  They said he had growths (thats not the word----I cant think of the word now darnit) but he had something growing behind his eyes.  But because of his terminal condition, his oncologist said theres nothing to be done.  Ya know when you are terminal it seems you are "done" and nobody in the medical field gives a freaking crap about you.  So I get off phone and I bawl, hubby asks whats going on and I tell him and his response, "Theres no reason something should be wrong with his eyes."  Ummm ok idiot, thanks for ....that.  Then my sister had apparently gotten same news and she starts texting about how Dad will need to go into a nursing home-the ONE thing my father has always begged us not to do.  I'm not doing that!  I said no he can come stay with me and we will get him a hospice nurse set up here.  I will care for him.  It would be great if my sister, who is older than me, has grown children out of the house, owns a LARGE home, does not work, husband is out of town working for weeks at a time, makes great $-would be great if she offered to take him in.  But hell no-thats too much to ask.  So I will-in our tiny 3 bedroom ranch, one bathroom, on a tight budget.  But I will do it.  Then questions "what are you doing about this, have you called hospice about that?  More questions about Dad's money-because I'm sure she will show up for that in the end!  I'm just appalled with her. I'm so hurt for my Dad and she doesn't give a crap, unless it has to do with his money nor property.  I have done ALL the footwork, getting his hospice set up, dr appointments, having him sign power of attorneys and ask about wills-things I DID NOT want to do and that were very UNPLEASANT for me to do, but I was only one doing it.  Then I have no support at home.  The pressure has been enormous..I see my husband for who he really is, and I REMEMBER this was who he always was.  My drugged up mind lied to me and helped me deal with him and I actually thought things were in a better place!  Isn't that crazy?  No girl-you were just HIGH!!!  He's still an a**!  So somewhere throughout this I took a pill.  And the odd thing?  It gave me a damn headache!  A very dull headache at base of my neck.  Then about an hour after, I got SEVERE anxiety.  I hid in the bathroom and cried and cried.  I felt like I needed to get medical care, I have never felt so anxious ever.  I feel like the percocet had a very strange negative affect on me.  So I take a klonnoppin, which I dont care for, IDK why, they just dont make me feel better.  I have them prescribed since I had bad depression and anxiety after my daughter was born, but I only take them now when I absolutely need them.  After I took one I waited, and it did help a bit, but not enough.  SO I took another.  And you would think my tolerance would be low as I'm not a regular user of those.  But 2 did bring me to a calm.  I took my daughter into the bed and we read books and stories and let my husband have the living room to himself.  Her and I fell asleep and he must have came in and saw and ended up sleeping on sofa,  which was fine with me.  My little sweet angel wrapped her arms around my head and said "I love you Mommy", something she rarely rarely says.  And it felt so good.  If it were not for her, I would not survive any of this.  I'm obviously not doing a good job, but sometimes I wonder if I could keep it together AT ALL if it weren't for being her mommy.  I know I have to be here for her.  She is my everything.  Other than that my life is full of pain, a disrespectful husband, watching my father die and suffer.  My mother whom I love and I know loves me-a great person-but she herself is married to an alcoholic, so its hard for me to stay with her for long lengths of time.  I can only handle being there so long..I am coming to realize any friends I had in this state are not "real" friends.  If I'm not out drinking and partying, then I don't hear from them.  Honestly I'd rather not at this point.  Still lonely feeling though.
Long post.  Sorry I am feeling sorry for myself.  Im a big huge failure.  I'm attempting to start over today, but I'm finding it hard to recover like this and take care of me when I can't get any help from my significant other.  Im so tired of living this lie-this big fat farce.  On outside we look like we are such a great couple-everything is just fab.  What a lie.  If everyone knew the truth.  I don't even feel like I deserve to be on this forum anymore with these strong people that have overcome, are overcoming.  And here I am.  What a freaking loser.  I'm sorry I wasted your time.  Especially some of you that just encouraged me so every day.  To let you all down....I almost decided to just not log on here again. But I needed to get the truth out.  I'm so sorry.  Except for my child I'm not seeing anything beautiful in this world anymore.  Its all just pain and more pain.  

My Dad just called me.  I'm bawling.  He sounds so weak.  I need to get up there this week.  I cannot sop crying.  I dont want to lose him.  Why is everything like this?  Why!!

[Miss_Creative]

You are a good and caring person... how lucky your father and daughter are to have you. There's is NOTHING quite like the stress of an ailing parent and sibling conflicts. I saw the pressure it put on my mother... her brother-in-law would have the audacity of talking about how to split up the valuable farm land, when this sweet man was dying in front of them. It broke my mom's heart and consumed her thoughts everyday. It was so negative... but after putting her father in hospice, in a home... and visiting him everyday - she found peace with God with him. The anger and stress... it went away, she turned into the caregiver she was born to be. You are a loving caregiver and you are going to feel such love helping your Dad. You are going to feel so much pain as you see him suffer. But he gave you life, and you are going to be their for him when he needs you most. What a BEAUTIFUL gift you are giving this man who use to hold you in his arms when you were a little girl. It's such a wonderful thing. If anything, I feel sorry for your sister... because when this is behind you and he is at peace. You will be at peace too. Your sister will not be at peace... she will regret not opening her heart as you have yours. Emotions run high when you are detoxing, and you're not just stressed, you are ANGRY. And relapsing is totally normal, like everyone here said. The miracle, in my mind, is that it made you feel SICK. That's good! If that pill had made your troubles disappear or made you copy better, you'd have more reasons to be concerned. DO NOT BLAME yourself for having your Dad go through any treatments. It was the right thing to do. I do think joining a Hospice forum or Cancer forum will be great for you. My brother ruins a Hospice center... he'd tell you that support groups make a world of difference. You are going to have a lot of questions when it comes to your father... and you need the same support you get here!!! BIG BEAR HUG being sent to you now...

PS: I don't know what to do about that husband of yours. Let's focus on the other stuff in your life now and deal with him later. He might be a dummy - a lot of men would give their kids markers. haha - they don't get it. He's obviously a "MAN MAN" meaning he is big into gender roles. He watches football. You change diapers. If this is something you cannot deal with... seek couples therapy with him down the road.

[weaver71]

Wow, you have a lot to deal with alone, I'm sorry you are going through all this. I think telling some or perhaps all of your family, if possible, is a good idea. I tried so many times to do it on my own. I was terrified to tell my wife, I thought, what if she leaves me, what if she never forgives me, what if it changes things? Then I turned it around, what if I don't ever quit, what if I die, what if I lose my mind from taking these pills too long? Most addicts are strong and loving people, so strong and loving in fact, they take on the world and end up escaping with drugs. My kids are 9 and 10, I was totally honest with them, my wife, friends, my co-workers, everyone. A huge burden was lifted instantly and I was surprised how much support I had in detox. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but I was very close to death. I had nothing to lose but my loneliness. A lot of people said, "OOOHHHH, now it all makes sense, I knew something was up with you." I was surprised at the support, I had been too ashamed to be honest. That was what needed to give for me.

I wish I knew what to say about your dad. I can say that you are lucky to have a parent so worthy of your love, I'm always envious of people with nice families. My grandmother was the only positive influence in my childhood and she died when I was 20, she raised me a lot of the time, if anyone was taking care of me. I was globe trotting and got back from Belize and she was gone, I had bought an Andean flute and learned a song to play for her. You're lucky to be getting clean and can be there with him, I have tears in my eyes as I write. Cherish this time, this is your chance. What better motivation is there to be the best you right now. Let him know he has a loving daughter, mother, sister, and friend. Make him proud, that is what every good man dreams of.

[greatescape13]

Oh wow...that is so much!  First off many people (myself included) have relapsed over a fleeting craving, not everything you have going on.  I am so sorry to hear about your dad..its one of the hardest things for a child to go through.  

So many of the emotions you are feeling are a part of early detox and PAWS AND are normal emotions to feel when you have a sick parent and are being overworked at home.  Having an unsuppotive spouse just complies the issue.  

I think you need to get into a dr that specializes in addiction.  You sound very vunerable to a relapse bigger than one pill and I know that isnt what you want.  Sometimes I feel like its having a split brain/personality.  There is the real you that wants a happy, peaceful sober life.  The real you that made the decision to get clean and reach out fo help on this forum.  Then there is the addicted brain that whispers "its too much, you can handle it"  those thoughts are coming from a sick place.  

So much of our addictions come from  a place of feeling low worth or value.  I dont know your dad, but we know what it is like to be parents, and I promise you the same way you looked at your daughter the day she was born and felt how special and beautiful and worthy of everything good in this world, its how he looked at you.  And you, your daughter, me and everyone else here..what had we done so special at one minute old?  Nothing.  We were born and that is all it takes.  What we do with our lives never effects our value in this world.  No amount of pills or fights with family or whatever makes you any less worthy of love, support and peace.

The cliche saying is "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger".  But there is much truth in it.  Pain is where we grow.  Contentment doesnt motivate change and growth.  Its when things are so ****** and we make it through that we learn about ourselves.

You will never quit with a bottle of pills in your drawer.  That is the truth and you know it.  You also cant continue to do this alone.  Find a counselor, a meeting, a friend, stay here on the forum.  There is a tried and true recepie for success..I know bc I have tried every other way!  Sending you a hug and the hope that tomorrow is better.

[FourJays]

I agree with Weaver, you may really benefit from telling someone about your addiction at this point.  You have such a heavy burden right now, it could really help to ease a little bit of your stress.  You may be surprised at the reaction(s) you get.  I held off for quite awhile in telling my loved ones and when I finally did it was such a relief.  I came clean to my husband first.  I think he knew (well I know he knew I was taking pills because I've had back problems and neck surgery a few months ago).  But I know he had no idea how much I was taking, how long I had been using and that I was addicted.  I think he knew in his heart that something had been off - I just don't think he really wanted to admit it even to himself. Soon after I told my daughters (19 and 22), as well, and eventually my mom and my sisters.  I found some information on addiction and withdrawal, etc., and printed it out for my husband and daughters to read.  I know it made a difference and helped them to understand more what I am going through and explained some of my behavior (sickness when I was going through w/d, moodiness, etc).  I know it is scary to think of telling anyone.  Hopefully you will get support and this will help to lift some of the awful burden you are carrying right now.  Don't feel ashamed - you are such a good person and taking on more than any human being should; you need some relief.

Your Dad is so lucky to have you, as are you to have him in your life.  It is all the more motivation to keep yourself clean and able to appreciate every moment you have with him.  The physical w/d symptoms WILL get better and thus all of this will be a little easier on you in that respect.  I lost my Dad 4 years ago to cancer.  My heart hurts for you because I know exactly what you are going through right now (as I sit here struggling to see my screen through tears).  You don't want to have any regrets.  Give yourself a break - ease as much of your burden with your husband, sister, and family however you can for now; if it means coming clean to them or not; whatever you need to do so you can focus on getting your Dad situated and caring for your daughter.  My thoughts and prayers are with you . . .

[atthebeach]

hi sweetie, I am so sorry about your dad. I lost my dad 5 years ago and I miss him each day. I spent as much time as I could with him. he had a massive stroke, had a brain bled and only survived for 5 more days.
please don't numb yourself with pills at this time, you will want to remember as many memories as you can.
I am the wife of a recovering addict and the mother of 2 recovering addicts.
we know when "something isn't right", you cant hide your addiction as well as you think. I totally supported their recovery and still do.
your secrets will only keep you sick. you need support from your family.
you wont feel so alone once someone besides us knows.
please try to relax, take some deep breathes, push yourself to get some things done. you will be glad you did.
sending prayers and encouragement,
debbie

[Pat1956100]

Just checking in and hoping you are okay.  I know you can't tell your husband right now so do what you have to do.  You do need some support and hopefully your psychiatrist will help.
Maybe going to your dad's will be the answer as sad as it will be.  Being away from your husband may be a good thing.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  We really care.
Hugs
Pat