Remember When?

[ProdigalGirl]

Remember when you were really deep into using either by script or illegally and you obsessed over pill counting?? Taking out that bottle, emptying out, counting, getting out the calendar and saying" Sh*t, I don't have enough to last me? Now I can't go to such and such cause I will feel terrible. How about thinking that people must know you were on pills. The paranoia of not looking people in the eye when talking to them. Waiting at the pharmacy with a knot in your stomach in case the pharmacy didn't have the pills in stock. Feeling the guilt of lying and deceiving? Basically that is all I thought about constantly. Staying at a job you hated because you could never pass a drug test at another employer? Would the new employer do a hair test, urine etc? I though a lot about this today. Wondering how many people I have disappointed along the way when maybe I could just bear the pain w/o the meds like I am doing now. Trying to rid ourselves of our addictive behaviours. The list goes on and on. Just thought now how nice it is to not have to pill count anymore. I don't miss that the most. You guys/gals ever think of this?

[j34]

Thanks I love sharing how I ,ME of all people is and has transforming my life! You are doing the best you can and that is great, addictive behaviors still spring up from time to time but I do things like think of how I will handle the same situation next time etc. Slowly through realizing what my addictive behaviors are and making changes I am gaining more perspective on who I really am.Or rather I should say what I am striving for! Which is peace and serenity, happiness and joy, love and laughter and when my addictive behaviors jump in those things just go out the window .It is only through reconizing and being willing to address those addictive behaviours does things change which I am striving for and then they happen more and more and my addictive behaviours become less and less. I am rewiring my brain.

[ProdigalGirl]

LOL, you got me thinking about funny pharmacy stories. ROFLMAO. About 5 months ago I filled my script at another pharmacy that was literally 3 miles from the other one. Now mind you, I used the same pharmacy for years but for some reason I thought I would not get the refill on the 25th day into the script.

Soooo, the next month the pharmacist who of course by this point I knew his name, saw pics of kids, dogs everything asks why I went to another pharmacy. I could feel my heart racing & my face getting red. I said to him " well (insert name), I came to your pharmacy and you didn't have them so I went down the street. With the price of gas these days who in the he77 can afford to go back and forth? I drive a big gas guzzler". He said "ok, I understand but you  really should keep the same pharmacy since it is a schedule III narcotic". Sure hope he never watched me get into my little Honda that is GREAT on gas. LOL  What crazy things we did huh?

[worried878]

yey...thinking that they r thinking something weird about u!  this chick is in here on a regualr basis..wonder if she is an addict or not...LOL   COL   not funny at all when i think back...like u had a secret that felt like razor blades in ur heart

love that phrase...I always use Scarlett's phrase when i have had a bad day...Tomorrow is another day!

[wildwoodone]

OMG, the call to the Pharmacy was the worst.  I would call it in on the phone or by computer and would make sure it was filled by phone or computer only because I didn't want to talk to the pharmacist. If it had been three or four hours and it wasn't ready yet I would start thinking up stories on why I need it early, etc.  I do not miss those days....

[ProdigalGirl]

I obsessively did the same thing. Knowing I only had so much but still taking more and saying to myself, "I'll worry about it later". Then when the 25 day mark hit and I knew my insurance would go through, I would panic at the pharmacy waiting to see if they said anything. Then while waiting I would think " well, if they won't give me my pills and w/d set in, there goes work for the next few days". People need me in work as I have a demanding job that nobody else could do in the company thus disappointing many many people but I never cared. All I cared about was signing that pharmacy book, try to hold back the smile b/c relief set in and then get a natural high that I made it one more month. I always swore to myself I would not do this the next month. That next month never came. Pill counting can go to he77 as far as I am concerned. I just wished I never got hooked on those damn pills b/c I really need them for pain. AAAhhhh, 2morrow is a new day!

[wildwoodone]

Pill counting soooooooooooooo hits home.  I would start counting when I got down to 50 pills left and then I would take 1 and recount even though an hour ago I knew how many I had.  Then you think well, if I take 8 a day I will have enough for 6 days, but then you take extra and you will have 8 for 5 days, then think "I can't do it in 5 days so I will take 7 a day for 7 days, yada, yada, yada....ITS CRAZINESS I TELL YOU!!

[ProdigalGirl]

Your response is inspiring to say the least. I never hit the rock bottom that you did. Basically was forced to quit and have to deal with the reality that my time of using was up. I still have a very very long road ahead of me. Still entrapped in addictive behaviors, thoughts and actions. I am still very impulsive and do stupid things on a whim that will jeopordize me staying clean. I know people say to get off the subs asap, but for me they have been the ONLY thing that has kept me from opiates. Having a constant daily, hourly, minute reminder that you need pain relief for physical ailments, makes it very hard to stay clean. So for me, sub will do for now until I can get myself on the straight and narrow. I just don't miss the consequences, fears, lies etc that came along with my Drug of choice. One battle at a time!!!

[j34]

Luck has nothing to do with it. It takes a lot of hard work looking at myself through the steps of na and being completly honest with and about myself. looking at my part in all the situations that I thought others had done to me ,so that I carried resentments that in turn kept me in active addiction. Doing what is suggested in the program and jumping in with both feet. Here is a saying that I love about cleaning up... what do you have to do to stay clean? CHANGE EVERYTHING!!!.I hope for you the same peace and happiness that I feel today. Cause I only live one day at a time. God Bless and thanks for letting me share my greatest passion  My sobriety.

[Mandapanda17]

I feel so free not having to count pills any longer. The worry that was associated with my pill problem was a MAJOR factor in my wanting to be clean so badly, I was a constant mess! great post! :)

[worried878]

U r lucky...very lucky compared to most!   nice to hear such a positive post

[j34]

I do feel peaceful for the first time in my life. TRULY Working the steps just as the program is intended has made a huge difference in my life.Today i help another addict find the road towards freedom is a blessing to me to see the trust and faith another person has in me to help them and only share my experience of what worked for me just as another did for me. What an empowering feeling, I tell you I never has that using.Or drinking or lying or cheating or manipulating !! LOL.If I didn't have a program to follow I surely wouldn't know what to do with all those feelings that i had when I cleaned up. What do you mean.... ACCEPTANCE??? lol. I thought that everybody was placed on this earth to do my bidding.

[worried878]

you sound so content...do the meetings help u with that?  most here do not go to meetings...for me i sware by them..especially in the beginning...it is so crucial and either out of embarrassment or whatever//people will not go!  if they could feel the peace u leave with...i dont see how anyone could not say it was empowering

the first meeting i went to ///there was this girl there...like 24 or so and the meeting did not end up being my home group...but i always remember that look on her face...as i did go there for my first month or so....it was so "peaceful"   i still wished i had that "look"

[j34]

I have been clean for over 4 months and I was a crack head and booze hound I lived on the streets and I NEVER thought I would clean up NEVER. I personally go to AA and NA and work the steps and open meetings with my bf and help others.Trust in my higher power who restored me to sanity.I am truly grateful to be clean and sober today.I do not have a need they are all fulfilled fully and only getting better with each passing day..Plus I am finding that my wants are not as they were before!! now that is a gift of sobriety.

[worried878]

I think of it mostly when i post here...which is probably why most come on here..get clean...and leave...it is not something people want to think on over and over....so they cut ties with all reminders...or they relapse...for me the reminder of what u r speaking of is a good thing for me...for now....it takes a long long time to totally recover...and doubtful if we ever do...probably in some form of recovery for life...so we stick together to survive!...good post

[ProdigalGirl]

Glad that post helped you. Don't get me wrong as I am not 100% clean b/c I am on suboxone but I no longer  need to count these pills. Just feels good knwing the pressure is off. When I am home free, I pray to GOD I WILL BEAT THIS!!! I am so concerned of a relapse after the subs are done. This is why I need aftercare. I will need this forum's help for a long time and feel I will be a "lifer" on here. I will have to probably re read what I posted earlier EVERYDAY. Actually, I am going to write down what I posted and read this each morning when I wake up after the sub treatment is done. God Bless you too. How long have you been clean?

[j34]

Of course I try to live in gratitude I am so grateful that I don't have to wait for a dealer or when my next source of income is coming or how I am going to pay my rent etc.What a great life being clean and sober! I LOVE it ,thanks for reminding me of what that felt like again!!! The loneliness and degradation I have felt was disgusting!. Always good to remember where you came from. Have a great evening and God bless.

[avisg]

I don't anymore I have been clean over a year now . As time goes buy you wont either .It does take time .I remember when I first stopped I would take my vitamins threw out the day like I did my pills I made myself stop but its was hard ... how long have you been clean.