Hello all....This is my first post because I need help. I know I have a problem, may not be as big (hopefully), but I know it's getting worse and I want to stop it.
Let me tell you briefly how it all began. I've had pain medications before, never took them, never thought I had the need. I remember having a bottle of percocet when I had my wisdom teeth pulled, and only took 3 of them...I have no idea where the rest went, I probably threw them away.
A few years ago, I hurt my knee. I was prescribed percocet and started to take them. I did not take them initially to get high, I took them for what I needed them for. After a while, I found these also made me feel great. I would take them here and there when I had them. I was previously married, and my wife had breast cancer (she was very young). When she passed away, I started to spiral downhill fast. Very fast. I didn't want to be sober. I didn't want to be ok. I was an empty shell phasing in and out of reality. I have had a best friend for 15 years, and she saved my life during that. She was there for me when I needed her. I do tell her all the time how important she was during that time, but I really don't think she realizes, even to this day, how close I was to ending it (I also had a close friend get shot and killed in front of me when I was younger). I don't want to sound like I"m whining...just trying to paint a picture. Those events...I started turning to pills more and more
Back to my problem. I've recently remarried to the women who saved my life, and the only one who has stood by me since early teens. I hurt my back a couple years ago, and was put on a steady prescription of pain medication. More times than not, I'm taking them to get a buzz, or to get my day going instead of for the pain. I'm having to take more. My addiction is starting to get out of hand. I'm not having to go to the streets, I have been getting them legally, but I am tired of having to try and get refills early. I am tired of getting prescriptions upped. I feel like I am disappointing my family, myself, and anyone who knows me.
So, in a nutshell, I have been on narcotics steady for over 2 years. I have tried to stop cold turkey, and it lasted for 3 days.....I never want to experience that again in my life....but I will if that's what it takes. I am fortunate, I have a great, loving and supportive wife, but I am so afraid of losing her. I am so afraid of losing my family, my job, all because my life is being controlled by little, white demons. I want to get control of this before it starts to control me more. Before this, I was active, in shape, had a great body, fun loving and loved to go out. Now, I'm non-active, out of shape, I don't like going out as much and I"m grumpy. I need to get my life back, and give the love and respect back to my wife before it's to late (to be clear, she is not unhappy with me or leaving me, I just want to prevent it). She deserves better than what I am now.
What can I do to get control of this? How do I ween myself off so I'm not dependent? I'd like to be able to take them as needed, but I'm not sure if that is possible now. I want to slow down. It's not the fact I"m wanting to get high that's stopping me, it's just I feel like **** when I don't take as much. I know I go through withdrawels when I don't take what I'm used to....But what I'm taking is far more than I need, and I know that.
Any advice, or is all of this stupid?