Scared/Not knowing

[ohwilly]

5 days ago I began my weening process. My girlfiend has had many family visiting members do to a family death so I have been living up the street in a guest house which was very helpful. During this time I have spent alot of quiet time trying to be honest with myself and make some good decisions. My girlfriend and I talked a bit after everyone left and I found our talk very concerning. I asked her if I could explain some of my thoughts. I did not tell her avout my Vicodin because I did not trust her response however, I told her about my studies in the past 10 days which included AD/HD, ADD, Bi-polar and PTSD. I am a Vet so I have some understanding of these conditions but my reasearch gave me the best understanding I haver ever had regarding my physical and pscological conditions. So, to make a long story shorter I expressed to my girlfriend that I had made som great discoveries over the past week and I believe that if we can be honest with each other and make a commitment to our relationshipther will then be hope. I then went on to tell her how I have struggled for years with not being balanced and I believe I have always had to engage in over working, too much coffee or anything that increases my dopamine level-I told her this is a real discovery for me and I am thrilled. Again, a long story short she fires back and says I don't need any stress and until you start feeling better just stay where you are. Once again in my relationship I think why am I here? I am always trying to be something else and when I get honest it falls apart. This makes me want to take more Vicodin because it makes me feel better and throughout this relationship for 5yrs I have taken Vicodin off and on so I can be around her. I know that sounds stupid but there is a lot of reasons why I stay. But now I feel it is time to move on and I am very scared because I don't know where to go........Today, I will really struggle with my addiction.............Unedited..........

                              Ohwilly  

[lboogie7729]

Good for you for trying to get off of the meds, doing the research and trying to be honest with yourself and your signifigant other. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. Anyone in your shoes deserves some compassion, understanding, support and most of all respect for trying to get your life together. Some people are afraid to acknowledge others problems or loss because it means they don't get to have their own pity party when your very real issues are being addressed. It's a shame that some people just don't know how to be compassionate, to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on to someone who needs it. You're being honest and trying to do the right thing so give yourself credit for that and just realize that she is just not in the same place, and maybe isn't what you need in your life right now. It's so disappointing to get rejection and isolation instead of support and understanding from the person you love, I know because I'm feeling it lately too. I quit drinking, smoking pot and cigarettes (after about 19 years of use) cold turkey almost 8 weeks ago after a drunken suicide attempt (so my heart really goes out to you because I can only imagine what you are going through with the loss of your brother). My boyfriend quit pot after 15 years of EXCESSIVE use and is not an alcoholic so he thinks I should be fine with him having drinks whenever he feels like it. I feel like it's a slap in the face, and it's almost like he is undermining my very sincere attempt to get my life straight. He even said he didn't care if I smoke pot and encouraged me to get a drink last week when I flipped out because he ordered one at dinner after I had said repeatedly that I wasn't comfortable yet with anyone drinking in front of me! I guess it's just impossible for some people to put themselves in someone else's shoes. Thank God for forums like this where we can all vent and seek advice from others who are going through similar things. It's great to be able to get some perspective and encouragement. Everyone here is behind you, keep up the good work, you're doing the right thing! Happy New Year to you, I think you're already off to a better year!

[ohwilly]

exactly, if I take the pills to make myself feel better when I am around her it is not a good thing. I will overcome this issue and I will find a wonderful mate someday............Happy New Year............Ohwilly

[ohwilly]

Very good idea. As soon as finish this post I am after a pad of paper to begin my list. This will be interesting. Are you sure it won't make me use? Just Kidding.....
I use to live in spokane, Wa and I don't miss the snow and cold at all. I will keep sending you visuals on the sunsets...........Ohwilly

[dominosarah]

Sit down and make a list of all the things you are grateful for......make a list of the things that trigger you to use......it is usually an eye opener!!!!!

Thanks for the visual of the warmth and sun going down....I live in Minnesota where the snow is deep and the temps are cold........but i am clean and for that i am grateful......sara

[worried878]

agree with above..if u have to take pills to feel adequate with the one you love..then what do u really have?  nothing in the crux of things cept perhaps someone u think u love./does not sound like she is all "into this"   if it were not the pills she left u over then in the future it may be the next circumstance that was "not pleasant"  disneyland is a good place for people who never think there are problems in life cos in reality..there are

good luck to u and u can do this without a SO..(:

[ohwilly]

Was it that bad?? or maybe worse??

I do not want to get overwhelmed and that is a good reminder.
I live in Carmel, Ca. and today was a beautiful warm sunny day. Right now the horizon is a golden orange color that is spectacular! I need to be more grateful..........

                      Ohwilly