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Self Doubt
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Self Doubt

What do you do when you start to doubt whether you can live clean or not?  I have been clean this time for 8 days.  Depression and doubt have started to creep into my thinking and I can't seem to shake it.  The anxiety I feel without the drugs to hide behind is beginning to overwelm me.
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11 Comments Post a Comment
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271792_tn?1334983257
Hi Hun!

You made it 8 days! David, that is huge!!!

We talked about finding outside support. Now you know why I mentioned it..pushed it really. I know how essential it was for me. The depression can bowl you over..I understand.

Please consider getting the extra help you need. I don't want to see you lose what you have. Besides, it is worth it...YOU are worth it!
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks.  I know I need support and I do have some numbers from NA.  I need to snap out of this and go make a call BEFORE I relapse not after.
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271792_tn?1334983257
Way to go!!!! Pick up the phone!!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
day 8 and day 11 were really hard for me mentally.  I am on day 12 now.  Giving everything i have to fight the ugly beast.....it is not fun.  try to think of it as its not real...your brain is struggling to get back what it wants to do..... the job it was intended before something synthetic came in and re-wired everything.  Fight it.  Its not what you want......try to look at it as your brain is trying to heal itself.  I know its easier said then done.  Good luck, sweetie.

Nauty..............
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306867_tn?1299253309
That anxiety you have sounds pretty normal. I had it very bad in the 1st two weeks but I find it easing up more and more each day. I didn't know how to act being clean. Please find some support system. I am on day 24 and feeling so much better. Day 8 is so great!  Please don't turn back now.
Mary
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Avatar_m_tn
I just got off a phone call with a fellow NA member.  I think the bottom line is I need to focus on the here and now.  I keep trying to see myself years down the road as a clean me.  I need to focus on just what's in front of me.  I think I need to get to more meetings just to reinforce the fact that recovery is possible even if you are staying clean hour by hour.  I am clean right now and that's what matters.
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237152_tn?1206654636
Amen, my man.  We all want to see ourselves down the road, clean, but the fact is we have to live every second of every minute of every hour until then.  It's a long process.  It's like a fighter.  A true champion weathers the storms, gets back up when he falls and works harder to make it back to the top.  You're not alone.  I often wonder if I will ever be completely clean, if I will ever stop the relapses.  I was taking multiple drugs at once.  Pot, pain killers, and cocaine.  Now I'm pretty uch down to just pain killers, and I'm working on that.  One step at a time.  Hang in there.  We all deserve to be clean when and if we want to be.  The road is bumpy, as I myself am finding out.  The opiates are by far the hardest to stop.  But I'm struggling right beside my man
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Avatar_n_tn
The narcotic train you have been riding on left the depot along time ago.  Now you have to turn around and go all the way back - no stops in between.  When you look at the amount of time you put into getting high, you realize it takes just as much time, if not longer, to ride the sober train back home.  Just stay on and eventually you make it back...

Oh, and the doubt/fear you have?  It is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome for an addict.  Only your will power to truly want to stay clean will win in the end.
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306455_tn?1288865671
It does get better. Keep up your support system.   I'm so happy for you. 8 DAYS IS GREAT!!!!!!! Keep going!
Magi
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks, I am going to start going to more meetings.  They have one not far from my office during the lunch hour.  When I feel my best and most confident is after a meeting.  On the flip side of that is I feel my worst is during times of stress.  Meetings are a source of stress for me because I don't like to meet new people unless I am hiding behind a veil of drugs.  That said, I think the good outweighs the bad.  I don't know what I am so afraid of because nothing but good things have ever happened at a meeting.

Narc-Vet, you are so right.  It has taken me 31 years to reach this point and I am truly lucky to be alive.  I have overdosed more times than I care to admit.  I would be nieve to think that after only 8 days I will be cured of the insanity of addiction.  It's going to be alot of work and it's going to be a long trip back to the depot.
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Avatar_f_tn
You're still detoxing.  A lot of what you're feeling is just screwed up brain chemistry, and will ease up over time, as your body adjusts to making "happy chemicals" again.  Right now your ability to create serotonin, dopamine and norepinepherine (naturally occuring happy-makers) is suppressed.  It will bounce back with time.  And if it doesn't - say, in a month or two - then it's worth talking to someone about anti-depressants.  A chemical imbalance (not enough happy-makers in the brain) is often the underlying problem for an addict. . . which is why we seek out artificial means of pleasure.  

  Try to remember how much of this is chemical.  Being clean won't feel this bad forever.  In fact, you'll probably end up feeling better than you ever imagined possible.  Seriously.  

And your NA friend is right.  Deal with today.  

Be gentle with yourself.
Mag
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Avatar_m_tn
What if I have been on anti-depressants for many years and have been abusing drugs the whole time?  Is this something I should talk about with my doctor?
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Avatar_f_tn
I hear you - that's been my situation, too.  Been on Prozac all thru my addiction.  You should definitely talk to your doc - try to be as honest as you can.  Increasing your anti-depressants before you detox might be a good plan.  Or switching to a new one - they do tend to "burn out" for a lot of people.

You deserve to have a better life than how I imagine it has been recently.  Give yourself time to create that life.

I find that hot fudge sundaes help.  :)
Mag

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