So Conflicted Today

[troubleinohio]

Day 44 of being clean here and I feel so confused and stressed today. Im still at my moms with the kids and its getting harder by the hour it seems. The kids want to go back home really bad and they want to see daddy bad. I miss home too. I feel like im on a really crapppy camping trip or something and just want to go back home. But I dont miss the way husband has been acting and I dont know what to do. I feel so conflicted right now. Part of me thinks I should just throw in the towel and go back home and just deal with things the best I can. The other half thinks that is just crazy to go back to that situation and nothing would change, and possibly be even worse than it was.

this is so hard.

I am letting him see the boys today because they need their dad and they love and miss him. Im worried that once they see him they will want to stay with him and not be with me anymore..

I feel like ripping my hair out trying to mull over all these decisions!!! I know there is no easy answer to this, and even with my head clear Im finding it difficult to come to any suitable resolution.    

[VicUser]

First and foremost it is better to error on the side of caution and for Trouble to protect herself and the kids. With that said I don’t think I have the big picture, I understood that the pictures he posted were of her, in his eyes, complaining about him, how he saw her treating him. This is a bad way for him to communicate, and could point to being unstable, but maybe he doesn’t know how to get his point across. I think that Trouble is a nice, good hearted Mom that wants to make a good home for her husband and kids and only has the best of intentions. However, maybe he is feeling very inadequate as a man and in his role as a husband and a father and doesn’t feel he is get the love and respect he deserves for trying, so he isn’t trying too hard right now. Without being there it is real hard to see both sides of the story. Once again it is better for Trouble to error on the side of caution and protect herself and the kids, but maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to judge him either.

Trouble, even though many of us only know each other though this forum. We care for you deeply as a friend, some of us are relatively new and may be misguided, I may be one of those. We cannot and should not tell you what to do, but instead give you food for thought and be the support you need to do what you think is best for you, your kids and family. Remember safety first, love second all else will fall into place, just my thoughts.

[road2recovery]

EXACTLY!!   Right now this is not about a marriage working out...This is about danger.. This is not a good place to be and we are here to help you see that...I am sorry, i know it is your home and your boys home, but it is unsafe...you dont' want to be a statistic!!!!!

Remember those were your words...Also remember those were lots of women's words , and they became one ....PLEASE take one day at a time..
lots of love and strenght to you!!!!
r2r

[taekwondo_fighter]

the bottom line is that she is in trouble...   her husband has weapons, puts up degrading pictures of her and is abusive...  there is absolutely NO REASON for her to go back.....

[VicUser]

The companion book is "The Care and Feeding of Marriage" it goes one step further and although is repetitive in some aspects, really addresses some of the common pitfalls of marriage, how to avoid them and how to some tips if you have already screwed up. Us guys do that a lot with out meaning to.

[mshell62]

I'm sorry,  but I haven't gone back to read ALL of your posts and the whole problem.  

What I can determine in a few posts is that your husband was violent with you?  

I am sorry If I didn't get this right.  Please disregard this if it is incorrect.  HOWEVER, being that I had been in relationships similar to this, please hear me out.

You do NOT want your boys growing up thinking its OK to treat women the way your husband treats you.  Even if he doesn't raise a hand to you.  If it is verbal or psychological abuse, this is similar if not worse.

Yes they need to have a relationship with their father IF IF IF he's not a detriment to their physical and mental health.

Sometimes, if one grows up in a volatile environment, full of chaos and abuse, the person/child/adult will just naturally veer towards that type of relationship.  

I had to grab my children OUT of a couple of relationships like that THEN I had to get counseling to help me realize WHY I continued to put myself in toxic relationships.

I didn't want my daughter thinking it was OK to be treated that way.  And I didn't want my son thinking this was the proper way to treat a woman/girl, etc.

You are doing great regarding staying clean.  Have you wondered why you started "numbing" yourself on the vicodin in the first place?   Maybe your stressful relationship with your husband?

I was on Vic also.  I realized just very, very recently, now that I am clean, that I need to change somethings in my present marriage.  I mean, my husband needs to make some MAJOR changes.  Or else.  My mind is clear.  So is yours.  That is why you are not putting up with this behaviour any longer.

If he needs counseling, then tell him you WILL NOT come home until he starts getting some help.  That's what I am doing presently regarding my husband.

Be strong.  For your boys.  

Hang in there.

[VicUser]

I wasn't meaning to attack or judge and hope it didn’t come across that way. We all have had good and bad experiences in our lives; I was just giving mine from my view as a kid in the middle of it all. I give great props to my Mom as she didn’t date or have any boyfriends while I was growing up or even since. She was committed to my Dad and only had eyes for him. The few years before he died they started to be civil to each other, somewhat, but that was them and I am me. You are undoubtedly right that we are not defined by my past, but I think that if we do not decide to change it is a good predictor of our future. I think that we all are shaped by our Parents, Grandparents, Teachers and all other influential adults that are around us growing up.

Bless you for being a caring Parent, I am sure that your love and caring will be a positive influence on your boys.

I have a quote on my desk that I found in a magazine years ago “Our Behavior affects our future, while our consciousness determines our behavior” Author Unknown. I read it often and sometimes wonder if I am the man that I think I am or really want to be. Peace.

[Jennifer375]

Thankyou for that book recomendation... Im gonna go look that one up right now.

*Bows with apprication*

Jenn

[avisg]

as  long as you are are an active part of your childs life, you are not deserting them .
staying in unhappy marriage does not benefit anyone ,the kids pick right up on it ....

[dove3053]

I know your conflicted and who wouldn't be. Don't focus on the future stay in the present. You need to keep yourself and kids safe. After that things will start to fall into place. They did for me and they will for you.

Dove

[toxictome]

I was in an abusive relationship..i had to get out...and to this day i still struggle w/ the boys being disrespectful and very angry.....but as my 13 yr old gets older..he's starting "To see the reality " of things on his own......I know every relationship is different..i was just putting my 2 cents in...our feelings are neither right nor wrong..they are just that..."our feelings"..it's what we do w/ them that counts.

To this day my ex and i get along great.....and i don't put my children on the back burner...in fact..if i date,...it is while they are w/ their dad...i am committed to putting their needs  first ...i have restarted therapy AGAIN,..dealing w/all these issues of the broken marriage...but my children were learning how to treat women...the wrong way and I became angry..trying to deal w/ the abuse

I'm sorry how you grew up, but after many yrs. around the tables(AA) , I have learned I'm not defined by my past...i have a choice to change/make my own future...

[VicUser]

I beg to differ; Leaving just because you’re not "happy" is deserting your kids. I was one of those deserted kids, even though I was with both of my parents, a lot. I was always put on hold or had to take a back seat to my Dad’s new Honey. Having “a home”, shuffling between two houses is not a home, and seeing at least one parent doing what it takes to be loving, kind and appreciative is better than being property shared by selfish two people that want to play tug of war.

[toxictome]

i THINK YOU ARE WRONG...IF YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE..THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE LEAVING YOUR KIDS...I AM DIVORCED AND MY EX PAYS CHILD SUPPORT AND THE BOYS ARE W/ HIM HALF THE TIME...HE IS NOT A DEADBEAT...YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS IN LIFE...AND IF THAT IS GOING TO BE A TRIGGER (DEAD-END MARRIAGE) THEN EVENTAUALLY YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU, TOO.
AS PARENTS ...WE NEED TO BE HEALTHY (MENTALLY) TO BE THE MOST WE CAN FOR OUR KIDS..AND THEY CAN SENSE WHEN THERE IS THA TTENSION...EVEN IF THERE IS NOT ALOT OF FIGHTING....

SORRY...I DIDN' T KNOW THE CAPS WERE ON....

[dove3053]

My ex-husband went crazy on me and broke my stereo with a hammer, broke my bathroom sink too, tore all my clothes from my closet and my drawers. And even cut the the cord on my iron. What kind of idiot would do that??? My point being if I had been there when this happened what would he have done to me??

Dove

[mimi1313]

R2R is right. The boys will think that is acceptable behavior towards women. My mom was abused and I rememer every bit of it. He never touched me or my sister but I can still see it very clearly. And to be honest I'm very mistrustful of men because of it 37 years later.

I really hope for the best for you and your family but everyone is right it will get worse not better.

Please get legal help. In his state of mind, he might try to get custody of the boys. My mom works for a womans shelter. Please call her if you need anything, I left you her pager number.

You can be strong and do this.

[VicUser]

I too come from a broken home, I was about 12 when it all happened, my life seemed perfect until that point. For years I blamed my Dad for leaving, my folks couldn't be in the same room for more than 5 min without getting mad at each other. I was bound to find the "right" gal, love and treat her right and love my kids making my family the center of my life. The woman I picked came from a stable home, her Mom adored her Dad and he did what it took to provide for them. I assumed that my wife would be the same. We dated for a few years then were married. We have been married for 27 years, some good some not so good. I wanted it to be "my" family centered, wife, me and kids. She looked at it more as extended family centered. This meant that I felt like I was on equal or maybe lower level of priority than her folks. It has at times caused a lot of pain for me, I am, for the most part a hopeless romantic. I like doing special things for her, but for a long time it seemed like every time I did something the response was "I suppose you want sex now". There were a few years that I really started to resent this and was not a nice person to her. It was around this time I first started to have back problems and discovered that drugs helped numb the pain, both kinds. Fast forward to recently, I started to listen to Dr. Laura, she is a radio talk show host. OK I know I may lose some of you but PLEASE read on. She talks about how a woman should treat her man and how a MAN is to treat his wife. I took most of it to heart, I bought my wife the book, actually the MP3, of her book “The Care and Feeding of Husbands” but I listened to it first and realized that I was not living up to my end of the deal. How could I expect MY wife to love and adore me if I was being a jerk! So, I have taken the stance that no matter what I am going to show her the love, respect and affection that I would like her to give me. Guess what it is working. I’ll stop not as this is getting way too long, but the long and the short is unless there is any physical abuse, try giving way more of yourself than you expect back, be loving and understanding even if you don’t feel loved or understood. It just might work and wouldn’t that be a good lesson and role model for your kids?

[taekwondo_fighter]

its hard for troubleinohio, i know it is, cause she is actually living it right now..  but 20 years from now she will look back and be grateful she didnt go back..    i almost think i am re-living this with my wife...  although i am NOT abusive with her, i am in a dead end marriage right now, and when we argue, i know it affects the kids...  i too will have to make a decision soon..  but if i leave, i am considered a dead beat dad...  

[road2recovery]

I know this seems hard to you..BUT it really is not..here is something to think about...YOU want your boys to grow up and great young men...If they continue to see this they will think it is ok to treat women this way...You have to show them it is not ok, and this is the only way..
U can't go back!!!
r2r

[avisg]

I am sooo sorry you went threw this , sometimes parents think there doing the right thing by staying they don't realize the damage that can be done to the children , watching your mom be abused whether it be verbal or physical is going to damage a child .thank for sharing this

[taekwondo_fighter]

my brother and i went through something similar with my step father years ago when we were younger...  i can speak to you from the kids point of view..  we witness the abuse and suck it up... we also take the abuse ( physical and verbal )..  my mom was beat up by my step dad, and so was my bro and i , but we were too small to fight back.. it went on for a couple of years, till my step dad threw a plate of hot pasta in my brothers face, then my mom flipped out and got in his face, told him to get the f%ck out...  i witnessed her taking abuse from him and it stuck with me, enough to locate him recently.. i paid money to find this A$$HOLE in connecticut, and i planned on taking a trip to see the scumbag..  i know i'd put him in the ground right now so i keep thinking of my own kids and they dont need me in jail, but god forbid i run into him, its over...  i'm just trying to explain to you the effect this **** had on the kids...  end this marriage for good......  
just my 1 1/2 cents

[toxictome]

You sound so torn,,,i was in tha tsame situation only i ws pg...didn't have kids yet...i moved to my moms and told hubby iwasnn'tmovin gback until he got into therspy or something..he told me he would...so imoved back...the therapist told me not to until he STARTED therapy...well...i moved back and he never went...

NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES!!!!
I know you're lonely...but what you are missing is NOT how things really are...you are missing how you wish things were..

.hang in there.......a bad camping trip is better than the domestic violence roller coaster...let him see the kids...(cops along sounds like a good idea...or meet in a public place)...maybe it will spur him into action!!!

I wish you well , my friend.....did you get all this fereaking snow last night???

[taekwondo_fighter]

look, there is NO WAY you are to go back home... shut your heart off... screw the feelings...  you have no clue what he is capable of... he is definitely ANGRY with you... he's probably gonna start kissing your A$$ to get you to come home.... then he will turn on you as soon as you get in the door....  if he wants to see the kids, have the police escort you and the kids to see him.. i AM SURE they will do that for you... explain the situation...  its time you start taking legal action with this A$$HOLE...   stop being nice...  this is life... he messed his chance up, or chances up ...   game over

[sickcookie]

Please do not rush home,we were all so afraid for you last weekend please reread those posts it was such an awful time for you.It is not normal for someone to be that cotrolling,remember the guns.Everywek in Washington some woman is beat or murdered by their current or ex spouse.Yes its like camping but I bet you feel safe when your eyes close at night.How was he when you set up meeting and where did you decide to meet at.Please be careful and be strong things are hard now but you can do this .Sometimes these kind of men know how to work you mentally STAY STRONG

[VicUser]

Will you be on later this morning or today? I have to deal with a few things here at work this morning but would like to talk about his some more. I should be back about 9:00

[avisg]

hit the nail right on the head