My second try at introducing myself

[Kent Summers]

Hello.  My name is Kent, and I have been lurking on this site for quite a while, and I decided now would be a good time for me to come out of the shadows

Let me first give you a brief history of my life: I am 43 years old, and have been using (and abusing) drugs since I was around 16.  I tried many different drugs, and although I enjoy them all, my Drug of Choice, without question, is prescription painkillers.  About ten years ago I was diagnosd with idiopathic peripheral neuropathy, a very painful and all together unpleasant problerm.  A health problem I will have the rest of my life, which is only going to get worse over time.  And there is no cure.

And having peripheral neuropathy has also enabled me to obtain large quantities of drugs, to suppoirt my growing habit.  I have tried to quit many times.  I have been through multiple ************** programs, even some really nice in-patient drug centers.  As they say, it is easy to get clean, The hard point is staying clean, which I have not been able to do.  In 2001 things got REALLY out of control.  I got up to an 800mg a day OxyContin habit, and the only way I could continue having such a huge habit was to get my drugs illegally.  I began forging prescriptions, and I got away with it for a while.  But eventually I got caught, caught with a 7 count felony indictment.  We are talking serious stuff here.  End result: Even though I had a totally clean record, my judge (who was close to becoming a federal judge) wanted to make an example out of me.  To show that he was "tough on crime".

My sentence: 17 months of incarceration in the Ohio prison systen

When I got out, I tried to get my life back together.  I moved in with my Mom, and I got a job.  Things were OK.  But my Nueropathy was getting worse and worse, and I finally ended up back on painkillers.  Since then I have been a functional drug addict.  But the drugs have taken a toll.  They have caused physical problems, psychological problems, and, yes, spiritual problems.  Something had to change.

So I have been repeating the cycle we all know so well.  Binging, then withdrawing, and then just when things are looking up, bam, another binge..  I could not break myself from this cycle.  I was seeing a therapist who told me about Suboxon.  I know about methadone, I know about trading one addiction for another.  But he told me that sub was different.  I told him I would think about it.

Then, a tragedy hit. My Mom, who I was continuing to live with, was diagnosed with late stage lung cancer.  And suddenly, there were huge quantities of drugs in my house.  Hundreds of 80mg Oxys, liquid morphine, dilaudids, Percosets, She had like her own little pharmacy  I knew that the only way I could make it though all of this by getting onto long term Sub.  This was around August of 2007, so a little over a year.

And being on subs saved me from being in a position of stealing huge amounts of drugs from my Mom.  Even on sub, I relapsed more than once.  But it was not like it could of been.  I started at 16mg of sub, and got as high as 40mg a day.  So I have taken a lot of suboxon.over a long period of time.

This last winter was hell ... watching my Mom being in tremedous pain, the agony she felt.  And it was so hard to take care of her.  Finally, on April 5th, my Mom, Beverly Summers, passed away and is no, thankfully, at rest.

And now I am left with picking up all the broken pieces.   And it has not been easy, to say the least.

Through this time period, incidently, I applied for Social Security Disability and it was approved the first time, which I guess is pretty rare thing.  Maybe my mom, up there in heaven reunited with her husband (and my Father) Sanford, asked my higher power to hear my prayers.  So at least that has been taken care of.  And now I am going to have to figure out how I can live the next 20 years or so being in chronic severe pain and not be treating the pain with narcotics.

My health insurance runs out in February, so I need to try and be done with the suboxon by then.  I am now down to 16mg a day, which is a lot less than I was taking, but it is still a pretty big dose.  I need to continue to taper off these next five months, and I am not sure I can make it.  I just lost my Mom.  And these upcoming holidays are going to be really tough.  

I have been reading a lot of your posts, and I have read many, many people having such a bad withdrawal from Suboxon.  You guys have me pretty freaked out about the whole thing.  So we shall wait and see how it goes.
I don't regret going onto sub.  If I hadn't, then I am 100% sure I would have stolen a lof of drugs from my mom.  Stealing drugs from your dying mother ... It doesn't get much lower than that.  But that is where I would have been.  

So when I see my doctor on Thursday we are going to talk about whether I am ready for another drop, down to 1.5mg.  I am not really sure about that.

I just wanted to introduce myself.  I know there are a lot of loving, kind, compassionate people on this board, and I am sure times will come soon where I am going to need all the help I can get.  And who knows, maybe a year from, now I will be the person that might be able to share my experience, strength, and hope with someone else.

Thanks for reading this far ... I temd to rample, especially when I am feeling good.  And right now, all things considered, I am doing really well.  But that can and does change frequently.  That is what happens to a person who screws up thier brain chemistry for years and years.  It is going to take time.  But I know in my heart that it will be worth out.

So, again, my name is Kent.  And I look forward to being an active member of this b

[JENZ_N_RECOVERY]

hi its nice to meet you! like u i was addicted to oxyz intaveionoiusly about 500mg a day! yeah i no thats alot esp. the way i was doin it! but i got on sub...started at 8mg the next week went to 4 mg...next week went to 2mg....next week went to a crumb and then a crumb every other day...and then i was off..no w/d no nothing! i have never been or felt better in my life...if u need to talk or have any questions feel free to pm me i would love to be of assistance to ya! best of luck to ya! JENZ

[worried878]

welcome kent...glad u want to join us...i guess disability insurance does not cover sub but never had thought about it...it seems to have helped u alot and i am glad u r finding peace...there is alot of support here..keep posting

[botchedup]

I think the stories of hellacious w/d on Sub often are riddled with other issues such as pain, an un-attentive or ill-inforned doctor, tapering too fast, no supportive meds, and not being ready.  It sounds like you're ready.  Have they discussed Gabapentin or neurontin with you???You will have the pain to deal with even after you w/d form the sub.  I 'm a parrot on here, probably annoying some or many wi/ my repetitiveness and strong opinions however---If you plan your taper for after the holidays, you can easily drop to 4 the 1st month, and then 4-0 by the end of Feb.  Im a CPP and I have used Subs as a tool for cleaning out, and for surgery prep purposes.  If you have undertreated pain you will have a very hard time dealing with dependence and addiction.  I did find after my first exp. w/sub, I was not compelled to over dose or dose too frequently when I was put back on Scheds.  Most of us are smart enough to know that after the first or second time getting clean, popping your pills for energy or a buzz is useless and will only reward you for a few days, then it will be back to the same ol' same ol', chase to keep from feeling sick.  If you are a true Chronic Pain Patient,,,you know you do not get buzzed off a proper dose for your condition.  Find that place inside yourself where you can be 100/5 honest with yourself and know that after 40, the only way to have good energy is exercise, exercise, exercise.   And if you have neuropathy, you know you need to keep your circulation moving.  Believe me, I'm a single mother of 2 boys, I've had a surgery every year since 01.  It was probably after #3 that I was no longer able to wake up thinking I had the morning sneezes :), drink coffee and smoke butts til 11 or so, take my medicine, have quite the productive day, maybe or maybe not take the pm dose, have quite the productive evening, not even real buzzed up unless someone came by with a smoke, (rareley even a social drinker...who has time or strength when you're always being cut on or recouperating.  That's how this **** got to me in the first place and to all of my kindred folk.  It took me awhile to even fully realize the connection between the pills and the energy.....I think THAT"S when it all started going down hill.  It didn't help that @ surgery #3,( that was so close to #2 probably why I bled out), I told my doctor I didn't even need a take home because I had so much left at home....only to find 2 meazly 7.5 vicodin in the bottom of a very large bottle....My boyfriends brother had helped himself.  So between that realization--other people taking prescription meds when they didnt need them...(yes I was that naieve, (spellin?), and the awakening of that in my own body...I was hooked, chronic pain or no chronic pain.  I even at first thought,,I'm so messed up(and obviously so to docs), they will never give me a hard time about anything.  Sprinkle that with stress, kids, no sleep, surgical recovery, old man bailing cuz this sure wasn't what he bargained for when he begged me to have his child, --and dose turned to double dose, (tolerance of course is building --this happends whether you have addictive personality or not--I knew I was facing more surgery anyway so what the hell?, ummmm y'all know, it's a nightmare...because at the end, or the pause, or the break, there's chills, snots, feelin'bad, fatigue like nothin'else, and just NOT ok in your own skin.....Every time,,,and every time gets worse. So if you are a chronic pain PT.  you have to have a plan...to manage..the choices are yours and only yours...but binging and w/d'ing over time will make you OLD and FAST.  Good luck,,sorry so long,,,,I guess i was hiding in shadows too and now y'all know why botched up is botched up:)  My thoughts mesh with balance and moderation with all things God has given us authority over.  Thankyou if you read this....I know how precious time is:)  

[Sunnyd210]

Hi Kent. I dont have any experience with sub but I did what to welcome you to the forum, and thank you for sharing your story with us!

[xru11]

Kent, I just wanted you to know that I am on day five of a one year sub habit.  I tapered to less than .5 a day in an am and pm dose of .25 each and jumped off.  If I had to do it again (AND I WON'T) I would have done the .5 first daily then every other day  then perhaps down to .25 every other day then skip two days then three, etc...Several others have recommended this sort of taper.

I am new to all this so I am not exactly a source of wisdom here but  here's a list of stuff that has made it all bearable (barely) for me.  These are in no particular order.

This website and the people on it.
bananas
amino acids partucalrly l-carnitine, l-arginine, l-glutamine
b-12
b-6
teas
hot hot hot baths
eucalyptis bath oil
epsom salts
crying
music
emotional movies to induce crying
rest
sleep
exercise as quickly and as often as possible
water
more water
fruits vegetables
proteins
time


Mostly I just want you to know that it can be done and I'm really feeling much better.  I got a long way to go back to being me,...but I'm on my way!  Stay tough and START TAPERING!!!!!

[liscamdave]

Wow...that was long, lol. Well, welcome to medhelp. Like myself, you were taking some pretty high amounts of Oxy Contin. So I know how that can be. We are here to help, in any and every way. Please continue to post and you will find this place can be your salvation if you let it. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

Lisa

[Kent Summers]

Thanks for all the kind responses.  I just re-read my post (which I wrote in the middle of the night last night) and it is full of grammer mistakes, but I guess that's OK.

I am scared about what I will face as I get off of the sub.  Not only will the withdrawal be difficult, but once I am off the sub, I will be extremely tempted to get back on painkillers.  Which would defeat the purpose of the whole process.

And that is why I have to work very hard  between now and February to get a REAL recovery program going, so I will be surrounded by people in recovery.  And that includes people like you guys.

So every now and again I will let you know how things are going.

And thanks again for the kind words.

Kent

[Cupp78]

Welcome Kent.  I am glad you took the time to share your story and very glad you have found you way here.  We will be here for you whenever you need us.  Best of luck and God bless you.  You can do this and break free from the slavery of addiction.

[refusingbondage]

Hi Kent and thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for the loss of your mother.  It is great that you've decided to fight the fight and you want to be clean.   You can do it.  Its a scary thing to take that step but your heart tells you right - it is worth it.  Work with your doctor to taper down the sub and just take it one day at a time. No doubt you will have your bad days but you will get through it and come out on top.  Best of luck to you. God bless.  

[broknbck]

Well it sounds like you deserve some good years here now.
So it is going to be one thing to get off the sub but you are still faced with your health condition and so you will keep going through that revolving door. Being that the doctor has labeled this condition idiopathic (which means they have no idea why you are having pain) you may be able to get to the bottom of it. you are going to have to try and find the causes of your pain because you will not be able to treat the symptom anymore.
It is very hard to find a good doctor these days that will take the time to do that. it is much easier and faster for them to just treat your symptom of pain.
Have you ever considered a homepathic doctor? They are doing some pretty good things with different ailments now. mainly because they try to get to the root of the problem.

Now while you are feeling fairly well, i would use this time to try and find some answers.
Best wishes to you.

[CYMER]

Kent, you can do it! I did by looking at my kids and wanting to be there for them later in life. My life (as yours it appears) if full of crossroads...sometimes we choose the right path and sometimes we don’t. Coming here and getting it all out is a step down the right path.

[lady67]

Kent I think it is great that you want to finally get clean.  unfortunately it does take something like losing a parent to decide this.  My dad died on January 1, 2008 and I have been clean of sleeping pills for 6 months now, and painkillers for approx. 4 1/2 months.  You can do it.  I sat at my father's grave and poured my heart out and promised I would get clean for him, and so far so good.  I am about to call it a night, but please feel free to send me a message on her wheneve you need to talk.

Welcome~
Susan