Stuck

[Kleo38]

I have been on and off opiates for about 4 years now.They are not prescribed to me,I buy them from people.Thank God I do not have a prescription for them because if I did I would be worse off than I already am.I feel so bad for people who do have the prescriptions because that must make it 100 times harder to quit.It is hard enough to quit but to know that you can go pick some more up must really make things much harder.My heart goes out to all of you.
So my doc has been hydro,but did some oxy too but 99% of the time hydro.I have quit cold turkey more than once and that was no fun at all.I read a post here awhile back about someone who got 2 8 mg subutex pills and used them for 2 weeks to detox off hydro.So that is what I did but I only could get 1 8 mg subutex pill,not 2.I was taking about 120 mg of hydro a day .My week on the subutex is over and I feel ok,not great but ok.I hear that once off sub it is in your body for 3 or more days,so today I have been off the sub for 3 days and starting to get some pains in my arms and back but not too bad,stomach issues(not too bad),and very low energy.I know it could be worse but I still feel pretty crappy.I have no in person support at all.I am married with 2 children and am finding it hard to keep up.I do have a good husband but he has alot going on in his life right now and I do not want to add to his problems.My friends are on the pills too and are not ready to quit so no help there.Meetings are not an option for me right now either.My parents have been dealing with major health issues so I do not want to add to their problems either.I feel stuck and alone in this.Getting clean ***** and it is hard but staying clean is so so much harder.I think with no one to be accountable to has kept me in this addiction longer than need be.It is just that my family is going through so much right now,I do not want to make it worse.
So I guess I am looking for support.I know I will be in for a few days of w/d but the paws after is what scares me the most.I have two children too take care of along with helping my parents out also,with no energy it is almost impossible.What can I do?

[Kleo38]

I wish I could go to a meeting but I can't.I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone's business.If I didn't have children I wouldn't care what people said but I do not want my children being labeled by people.I wish there was somewhere for me to go where it was confidential but as far as I know there is nothing in this town.I did drive to another town a few months back and went to a meeting there and it was great,but I can't get there as often as I need to.It was so nice to be around others and listen to their stories,which a few were close to mine.I am going to look into the online meetings but I still need to be around people not just online.My husband works nights so that makes it hard for me to go out to any night time meeting and I am not sure if they have anything during the day.I must find something or I am just going to be stuck in this addiction forever.I am just so sick of feeling like there is no way out.Thanks for your time

[worried878]

aftercare like meetings r free,,,go to a few at least..c how u like them...u will learn so much there,,and it will help u live ebery ounce of ur life thereafter..find a meeting near u

[Kleo38]

Still feeling stuck in this addiction.Thought I could taper a little but I just can't.If I have them I am going to take them.I am so so sick of that,being a prisoner to pills.I do not know why I keep putting myself through this.It is really hard when you have no one to talk to about it.I want to tell my husband but I am afraid this is not a good time.I know there is never a good time but this really is very very poor timing.He knows of one time but that is when I was getting them from the doctor he knows that my doctor isn't giving them to me,so he would freak if he found out I was buying them off the street.I hate being alone with this.

[buprenex]

I am where you are at, you ARE say abandoned without resources and responsibilities and ARE to just trying to survive. Being accountable is exactly what I recently came to the "bright" idea was what would keep me on track. And that has to be correct, I hate the idea of being accountable so that will be a struggle for me. I also realized being there for my Mom has kept me in the my addiction among others as well. And well she abandoned me many times, but it suppose to work that way be good to your Mom. So I think consider you first, decide how much you really owe, did she abandone you, if so, I can see it reasonable at least for you to slow down take care of you first. Same dynamic with your Husband, you take care of him first. I think it a two way street in a marriage.  Just an idea or three.

[Kleo38]

No relapse should not be an option but seems to always happen.I quit do well for awhile and then as soon as something bad happens the first thing I do is use.I am so sick of the game.I want out and I want out for good and I am trying to research as much as I can about staying clean.I can get clean (yeah it ***** but I can do it)it is staying clean that I have the problem with.I like to hear what others are doing and how it is working for them.I will look into the online meetings and I thank you for your advice.I need all I can get.

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Perhaps if you feel stuck you should check out online alternatives?  You can download NA's text to read - - I think there are even online meetings available. Kim made a very good point ....... relapse is a very poor option to keep on the table. Your family wants their Mother back ........   Other low - investment option may be to investigate Church type counseling - - - most Pastors are qualified and they dont charge nearly what other substance counselors do ........... whatever you choose - - best of luck to you -

[Kleo38]

The money loss ***** but the way I feel ***** way more.I know I have to stop and I am now weening off with the few I have left.As far as I am concerned the sub only holds the w/d's off,once off the sub w/d's will be there waiting!So I am just going to do a quick taper and then jump.Time to pay for my poor choices.I need to find some kind of after care that will fit me..I welcome all and any advice.What programs work for you and which ones did you not like?I would love to hear others recovery stories.I hope all are doing well.

[goldenarm]

Its  so hard isnt it.Just want to feel better, Sorry to hear you had to use again. I started with some vics and went to oxys quick style.Im trying to detox after 2 yrs of them.I have 4 days and on day 2 i took Dr prescribed Subs, but not as much as the Dr wanted me too and i started the amino yesterday and the minerals from the Thomas recipe today,I hope they help.Im not going to confuse the fact they are to help restore things back to normal not get me high.I want to eat more Sub really bad cause i know it will completely alliveate the discomfort i have but will start a cycle of no turning back which is very scary all in itself.I hope they help, Some people have said they helped alot. SO how are you feling now that you started eating the vicodan again? Have to pay exoribiant prices again? What a waste of money isnt it,, After a while the tylenol they are cut with really clog and destroy the liver too..Its never to late to try again.. Craig really enjoyed some of your posts this week, it has been helpful,,Thanks

[Kleo38]

I wish I would have listened to the advice and did the Thomas recipe but instead I did what I always do and got more hydro.I have 17 left and I am going to try and wean off with them.God I wish I would learn.I am such a loser.I have spent way way way too much money on these evil pills and my hubby is not going to be very happy.I hate using,like the high,but need and want to be clean.I am so confused.I wish for once I could make the right choice.I really need some kind of help and advice.

[ToWonderWhat]

Hey Kleo congrat's on gettin busy quiting that nasty habit. It does sneak up and gets a hold of ya before we even know it. You been through the w'd's before so ya kinda know how this transformation goes. I just quit after a relapse, went back to about 120 mgs of hydro's daily. Im at day 16 clean now and standing strong., been through the exorcist and the chills crapola lol. I wrapped in an electric blanket and took hot baths religously. man i was always cold that 1st week. Things are getting better. Now i to am trying to find a place for this new me. The peps i used to talked to most these last few months were friends/dealers i have talked to them maybe once since i quit , mostly just tellin um ive stopped using that made me feel better just doin that. I dunno if the sub helped or delayed your w/d's any. but you atleast been in the fight and as long as you continue the fight you WILL  feel so much stronger and look so much better. Ive had alot of people tellin me how good i look and the mirror is no longer my enemy lol.  God speed to your recovery and i wish you all the luck. you can do it :) ..... Craig

[Kleo38]

Thanks Kim.Yes I know I need aftercare of some sort.I am just not sure what to do.If I go to counseling my hubby would find out.That is why I feel stuck.I am pretty sure I can get through the w/d's with some Advil and Imodium.The lack of energy is what gets me.I have to start eating better (I have lost a lot of weight during my use)and taking better care of myself.This friday it will be 2 weeks since I have had a hydro.I am happy for that,but not thrilled.I have stayed away from all of my friends which has helped but still all alone in this.I just wish I had a few people to talk to about this.I know it would only help.I am also so sick of being cold all of the time.I can't wait until I have a normal body temp.

[kim715]

You can look up the thomas recipe and amino acid protocol in the health pages here,top right.Those may help.With all you have surrounding your life right now,especially your friends still using,I strongly suggest you participate in some type of aftercare.I know you said that meetings were not an option right now,but in reality the bigger picture is,relapse is not an option.Your children,husband,and parents need you and they need you to be clean.There are other options besides meetings,like counseling.You're right,getting clean is rough but staying clean is the real battle.Keep posting.All the best....Kim