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1523327 tn?1295402970

Tapering off.....not a choice

Hello everyone,

not sure u remember me....

I was convinced I could taper off just like that....
coming to find out, its not that easy!
Not sure if I can get it done, here I am faced with another refill!!!
The taper off is just not for someone like me, to be honest, coming to find out (and I am so shocked about this)
I am too hooked.

Hubby was gonna help me on this, but all it did is challenge our relationship. The last two weeks have been so tough on us. As of right now we are not even talking to each other, cause I tested his patience one time too much. I have been a real b****!
I have to do it cold turkey. Just not quiet ready for it yet. guess as long as I put it off the harder it will get.
I have been thinking different about the pills I take, there not 'my friend' anymore.

Just wanted to let you guys know 'where' I am in my quest. I'm frustrated and it is almost Christmas, don't feel very Christmassy.
50 Responses
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1416133 tn?1351123217
Contact your Dr. immediately and have him/her cancel your prescription and any refills.  You already know you can not trust yourself with that temptation - believe me, I know what I'm saying here.  You must CANCEL that script.

Good luck to you - it may not seem this way right now, but admitting that you can not taper is a very very good first step.  Take charge right now and call your Dr.  Get rid of any access or I'm afraid you won't be able to do it.  I know I couldn't in the beginning and my fear is you won't be able to either.

You can do this!!!!
Helpful - 0
1523327 tn?1295402970
I know you are right! I know you are!

I have to cold turkey! I know it!
How am I going to do this right now tho....?
That means I'm going to be in the middle of withdraw on Christmas (I'm I a mother of 3 with a full time job). How am I going to prepare for Christmas day and finish the last minute Christmas grocery shopping?

I remember too good, the last time I did cold turkey. I lasted a about 35 hours....then I could not take the pain anymore.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey, you have to go into this strong, and decide that you won't fold!  This may be the BEST time since you have things to distract you.  I was telling my husband yesterday that one of the things I love about the holidays this year is that I'm not using!  Well, you don't have to be using either!!!  Anything is better than another pill!!  

Just do this!  Get the OTC stuff.  It really does help!  You can do it!!!!!!!
Helpful - 0
1523327 tn?1295402970
You are so right, I will not get anywhere till I decide to go through it all the way!
I am off all this week, and just going through with this over and over again in my head. Its been over 24 hours now and the withdraw symptoms are kicking in.

I need to stop but I am scared that I am paralyzed like last time. I could not move, and It hurt all over plus the fever, I do not even want my kids to talk to me. It is so so dramatic for me.

Or maybe im just being a baby!


Helpful - 0
684676 tn?1503186663
How am I going to do this right now tho....?


You will do this the same way you do things everyday, only w/out taking pills!
It  will feel different at first (after sickness of W/D) but soon you will realize its not that much different, and it can be done, people do it everyday.

the more one thinks about it the worse it is, if you stay real busy with family things and such , its easier not to think about it , its history.
Helpful - 0
1416133 tn?1351123217
I know you're scared.  Now take a deep breath.

First of all, I found it very important to lower my expectations to the point of almost non-existent.  The more you place these expectations on yourself, the harder its going to be on you.

I understand it's the holidays and I'm not saying they're not important.  However, you getting off these drugs and being "present" for your family and your other loved ones is FAR more important than any holiday.

It has to matter more than anything else, it really is that simple.  Take it slow, let your family pitch in where they can, and take a step back.  The world will not fall apart if you don't have everything perfectly in place in an effort to make it "seem" like the best holiday ever.  This holiday season is going to end soon, and then where will you be?  I get so upset when I see how many of us put so much pressure on ourselves to make everything look "perfect".  It's just not necessary.  The only thing your loved ones are going to care about, with or without the holidays, is that you're well.  That's it.  Period.

You CAN DO THIS!  Yes, it will be hard for a while.  But I truly believe it's supposed to be this difficult so we never forget it and never go back to it.  I'm praying for you and I truly believe you can do this - you came here, right?  That is the very best first step.

Don't let the world's expectations of you deter you now in this very important decision.  You matter.  Now it's your turn to believe that.

Keep coming here - it is the BEST place for support.

p.s. i hope this doesn't sound harsh - just tough love!!!
Helpful - 0
1523327 tn?1295402970
I like tough love! I like it a whole lot more then trying to wrap everything up in cotton candy and no one understands at the end what you where talking about!

By now the anxiety has set in, my legs are heavy and I'm going from hot to cold every thirty min.

I'm scared off my a**, I want this cycle to stop, do I want it bad enough?

why do I tick like this? I'm so strong with everything else, well most of things.
I'm so frustrated right now.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Just do it. Stop the excuses and just do it.  Assuming you want to.

U said u wanted tough love
Helpful - 0
1416133 tn?1351123217
Yes, in early withdrawal, its very normal to start questioning your decision to quit.  You're starting to think "why did I do this?  I can't do this!", right?  So just keep reading and take in as much information as you can.  As long as you know what to expect, you won't be blindsided.

Try a cold cloth for the hot/cold thing.  I would put the cold cloth on my head, or around my neck, and then take it off when the cold would kick back in.  Yes, it meant a lot of nights going back and forth with that stupid cold cloth, but it helped a lot.

And of course you're scared.  It is scary, making the decision to stop.  And believe it or not, that fear is good.  Its a constant reminder of what those horrible drugs did to you - so take that and use it as strength.  And the next emotion that helps with strength?  ANGER.  Anger at what the drugs stole from you, the lost memories that you'll never get back.  Anger was a HUGE motivator for me and kept me going.  I believe it can help you too.

Keep posting here and looking for any support you can get.  One of my biggest mistakes was thinking I didn't need help, that I could stop on my own.  I could not have been more wrong.  It is impossible to get well without support.  I mean, everyone needs help at some point in their lives, right?  So take it now where you can get it.

Have you checked out the Thomas Recipe yet?  There are a whole bunch of good suggestions in there that helped me SO much in early withdrawal.  And I still take a regular regimen of vitamins today that I also believe help so much.  Definitely worth checking it out - I believe there's a link to the recipe toward the end of the page on the right side.

Keep going - and btw, I believe you do want this bad enough or you wouldn't be here.  Listen to your instincts now.  They won't steer you wrong.  You remember those instincts, right?  The ones we used to ignore when we'd take a pill instead.

Hope you have a peaceful night and are able to get some rest.  And even if you can't actually sleep, just try to relax and read, listen to music.  Any "down time" is beneficial to your body in these early days.

I'm rooting for you!  YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Helpful - 0
1198664 tn?1368647812
Keep going you can do this! If I did it YOU can. My withdrawals are brutal and were brutal. I did this 12 days ago same as you! Read some of my old posts you can find them by clicking my name or just looking for the Detroit logo on a few pages with my posts. I went through HELL last week but is worth every drop of sweat and every chill and every panic attack and pain And fear and agony its All worth it. Just get PISSED OFF! its what did. You WILL feel better. You will be better. I still feel crappy but it's WAY better then the hell of those pills. But I'm coming around. Every day is better.  Just think of some things that **** you off about the pills and focus on that and focus on the future. You don't want to do this again trust me it gets worse each time. Just get it over with. Read my posts.
Helpful - 0
1523327 tn?1295402970
@ Ballgame yes I want it!!! I guess Im still thinking, just fill your prescription and its over with.

Since I am already at 35 hours Im gonna pull through!

@Back2Me I do not have patience to figure out how to find your old posts, but I am sure I will have a long night. So I WILL look for it later. Thank you!

My fuse is so short right now, all I want is cry. My intire legs are on fire, I feel sick, I did not tell the kids anything. Im just playing it off somehow, cant wait till they in bed.

Hubby knows, he is so happy that I am READY and is even guna take off tomorrow if I need him. Gawd I love him so much!

You guys might think this is funny, but since I started hurting, my cat follows me around and lays on me wherever I lay down. Like she is guna say "I know your not feeling well but Ima help u to get through this"
Helpful - 0
1198664 tn?1368647812
Yeah I love my dogs but to be honest withdrawals are so brutal for me I cannot even have them around. I can't have them in the bed a all because the get me all hot and if I have to move and touch them it hurts. I would have loved to have them helping me through bu I had to lock everythig out of the room for like 4-5 days at least. Anyrhing that moved hurt. Watching something move even hurt. I'm glad you are staying with this. I took klonopin pretty much round the clock for the first 4 days. It help a little bit but not much. I tried to sleep as much of it away as possible. Good luck tonight you can do it!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
HI just got done reading your post.....I write a lot of these late at night I truly hope you dont read it till morning but I know how this goes...if it 3am and your up shaking just let this be an encouragement to push past the pain....your doing the right thing I still remember how it was for me...I got real close to God and prayed that Jesus would deliver me...later on I learned to pray for strength to go threw it in the end I think I got a little of both he all you got at 3am
remember a hot soak goes a long way in releaving the symptoms YOU CAN DO THIS your well into it ....it probably wont get any worst just last a couple more days hang in there I will check on you in the morning try to make it threw the night good luck and God bless...Gnarly  
Helpful - 0
1523327 tn?1295402970
crying...crying .....crying....

I mad it through the night....right now I wanna go to the bridge and jump (well not really).

The pain is the worst now, I walked, rested, walked, rested and yes Gnarly I prayed.

In about 30 min the kids get up, and I have to interact. How the **** am I gonna do that?
I feel like such a piece of ****. Letting myself down like this!

I just wanna stay right here, not move, and be left the **** alone!

Sorry about the cussing, I normally do not talk like this
Helpful - 0
1198664 tn?1368647812
Just push through and then get right back to be if you have to. You have vested too much time now to go back that's for sure. You will be out of the woods real soon I promise. It would be a huge waste of suffering to go back now ;)

That's what I always tell myself every day now.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
For me I could never just taper cause if I had pills bam they were down the hatch. I was on the roller coaster ride so long of running out of pills, getting my refill and running out in a week and going through WD's and through the encouragement of many on this forum I became strong enough to give up my refills and today I am 51 days clean of pills.

You can do this, you just have to get sick and tired enough of the roller coaster of drugs. I feel so much better and honestly the pain I had that I THOUGHT I just had to have the pills is much better.

Sound crazy? Maybe so but it's the truth.

You can do this.
Helpful - 0
1416133 tn?1351123217
That's true for me too cissy373 - my pain is gone.  So no, it doesn't sound crazy at all.
Helpful - 0
1523327 tn?1295402970
I cant really tell right now what kind of pain I have since it is all over.....
But in between the pain (even if it is just a few sec) I see a like a light.

Real faint, a feeling of joy, I can do this!

I need to go and shower, but im glued onto the couch with 3 blankets.

"Mom what wrong...are we still going to the mall and getting that one more thing we needed for Christmas for ganny?" " How come its just cereal for breakfast?"  "Are you ready to get the cookie dough out of the fridge, u said yesterday it needed to rest....how come that long?"

That is what makes me feel bad!!!! Most of anything in the world. I am lying to my children!!!!
Her I am, wanting them to come to me when there ready to have sex, if there is a problem at school or if someone EVER offers them drugs!!!!

What a hypocrite!!!

I am not 100% there for my kids when they need me the most! When they miss there entire family so much (everyone is in Germany). the only one they have is me, and I am failing!!!!

I feel like spilling beans right now so if you wanna listen, do so, if not......I dont know, then dont...

I am german, I am not an american yet, not sure if I ever will be because I do not feel like dropping $700 to just take a test and say IM an american.
My family is in germany, I do not have anyone here, but my husband ( we got married 5 weeks ago). My children and I just moved to america 1 1/2 years ago, after spending 4 years in Germany with my family while I was fighting cancer. BTW german dr do not give u Nocotics for pain, almost never!

Anyway, since I got back, I been battaling with complications after cancer surgeries, I went to the dr here in america. AND BAMM, Im hooked on pills.
It happend that fast, I did not even know its possible!

OK Im done (for now) needed to share....sorry was a long one...cant promise I will not do this again today!
Helpful - 0
1531526 tn?1330736076
Hey there,
I'm so happy for you that you're feeling a little bit better than you were right at the beginning Even if it's just the smallest bit, it's better than back at square one if you were to get your refill. I have been there so many times I can't count...refills and WDs and it's a living hell, not to mention a full time job, going to all those doctors and lying to people and going to pharmacies, it's exhausting.

And i know what you mean about your kids. I have a 2 1/2 year old who doesn't know yet about schedules and everything, so i can only imagine telling your kids that you have to wait for this and that. But that's where you're at right now. You have to get better to be a better mom. Sure you felt like supermom on those pills, but you'll be an even better mom if you're not in the long run. It feels like you could walk on water and do 4 million things at once, but you also had to take time away from spending quality time with them to go get pills.

You sound so much like me, saying how strong you are with everything usually and that you're letting yourself down. NO you're not!!!! You have to take time for yourself, even if it's out of your nature to do that. You have to do this for you first. You're doing a great job and I'm on day 6 of my on-again try! We're all going to do this together. No one said any of it's easy. But every second that passes is one that is just that - passed. You're getting there. I know it's so very hard doing this and being a mom..we can't just lay in bed all day. But do as minimal as you have to, even having to put stuff off is ok right now, don't give yourself such a hard time. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but just say you don't feel good today, that you might be better to do some stuff with tomorrow. I know you feel like you're disappointing them but they're going to be ok if they don't go shopping today, right!!?? They'll be ok and you'll be ok. I'm here a lot so I'll check back in!!! Remember though, ease up on yourself, you're going through something that's so hard - did you get so mad at yourself for having cancer? It's a disease, and so is addiction I believe. You weren't better over night, and this will take a bit more time than that too!!! xo
Helpful - 0
1523327 tn?1295402970
thank you so much WantToBeNormalAgain!

Right now Im dragging, shiffers, cold to hot on and on. The kids are patient right now.
I wish the anxiety would go away! I think thats the worst.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
HI how you holding up ?? your making good progress the emotional stuff is all part of it we have numbed are selfs so long our emotions come bursting out of nowhere as we detox
try to take a long hot soak it will really help with the anxiety it was my worst symptom also
I got you in my prayers and wish you luck and a fast recovery just a little wile longer and you should start to see the light hang in there God bless....Gnarly  
Helpful - 0
1523327 tn?1295402970
thank you for the prayers!

I will be a long night! been crying for a while now.
Hubby just got home and brought me a "sims" game for the laptop. He said that I am to get the anxiety off my mind and keep my mind busy. How sweet!

I still miss my pills, sorry to say that! I miss them! I just wanna pop one and make it all go away. 52 hours and 2 min...
Helpful - 0
1531526 tn?1330736076
Yes, as gnarly said, the emotional stuff does come from everywhere..my tears still come from kind words, but not in buckets at a time, and this is only day 6. I'm sure I've got lots more tears to shed and feelings to feel. Hot to cold (besides the runs to the bathroom), for me were most annoying at night. The anxiety is still popping up for me, but less frequently every day. No need to lie, you may have a couple of long nights ahead. The difference from night to night though will be noticeable little by little...52 hours down, wooohoooo!! Good for you, I"m proud of you that you're so far in. Once the physical withdrawals stop more and more, that light gets bigger and bigger. The emotional stuff is what I'm dealing with right now, and as a good friend pointed out and that you so humbly and honestly said, we're missing our pills. That part takes a while longer, and it takes getting what they call 'aftercare' to help that. Quitting is amazing, and CT is the hardest, but we have to get help to deal with why we were 'supplementing' and taking them for emotional reasons.

Great hubby!!!! It's so great to have someone so understanding, I know from my own experience. sims was a former addiction of mine! Don't know if you've played it before, but it is a lot of fun and really will take your mind off things if even for short periods (lol, I would lose sleep over playing!!) but whatever it takes, right? Sounds like you know that by now. Also, don't know your reaction to the stuff, it is non drowsy and such, but claritin for the sniffles? It won't take it all the way away, but might help a little. Wish there was something for the hot cold before letting time run it's course. Just maybe try dressing in pjs that are not to thick or thin. A 'happy' medium that way you're not putting layers on and then off again..? I haven't tried it because I hate tea, but I've heard the sleep time tea might relax you and I've even heard there's a sleep time deluxe tea..?? Let's keep fighting together. Keep posting and reading and that right there would help with some of my anxiety....thinking of you!!! xoxo
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Honey you are more than halfway through the physical hard stuff. You can do this!  What you're going through is so normal. Don't beat yourself up!  Hugs to you sweetie! ;-). You're gonna be ok!
Helpful - 0
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