Beginning to see the edge, xanax: savior or satan?

[woman_lost]

I'm a stay at home mom. As a teen, I experminted with coke. Loved it. So I stopped cold turkey and moved states. Right into the same kind of crowd. It was so hard, did my best to stay clean, and have for 6 years now. My marriage is rocky, and to top it off, I have been diagnised with premenstral disphoric disorder. Really bad. So I have scripts for lexipro, and xanax, and recently start on the Depo shot. And I've done really well not taking the xanax to the extreme. But the worst things get, the worst I want/ or need it. Once things start rolling, emotions take over, the adrenline takes over, and I turn into something akin to Jean Grey when she went evil. I've never thought about hurting someone, but the saying **** rolls down hill, and my kids (5 and 2 1/2) are at the bottom. My husband tends to leave to go hang out leaving me home alone, and I can't cope. So I take a xanax to help calm down. It's the only thing that helps keep me on this side. The side where I don't do something unforgivably mean. I've just strated taking more then usual lately. Which may not sound like much, but 1-2 a day, with maybe a glass of wine in the evning on a REALLY bad day... I can't see leaving, I've been with him for 7 years, and have been at home for 5 to raise our kids, and never had a chance to finish college. He owns everything and I have no money as the accounts are all in his name... So get get unhappy and scared, and the xanax, feels so good to help with the panic. And I'm trying to hang on. But I know I can get addicted to things pretty easy. I have no idea what to do. To take what I need and risk the edge to wait out a possible rough patch, or face the humiliation he'd put me through in a divorce. He has a really mean streak if he wants, very controlling, but can be Mr. Wonderful with no sigh of that other guy. I feel like I'm drowning, I can only think of that bottle of xanax in the cupboard, and that one more might help. What am I doing?!!!!

[LadySundown]

Welcome to the forum. I can tell you from experience that xanax is extremely addictive and the w/d from any benzo is hell. I take 1mg xanax four times a day, but I'm dependent on it, not addicted. To me it's the same thing. I know I couldn't stop taking it and my dr. says I need it. I have been on it since it hit the market over 20 yrs ago.
When I was younger I had to w/d from valium and I thought I was going to die. Please ask your dr. for something different. If you feel you can talk to him/her, explain that you feel like you're becoming addicted. It's the best thing you will ever do for yourself.
I don't mean to sound mean. I'm only concerned.
Take Care and keep posting.....LS

[woman_lost]

It's such a bad night, over something that sound be so small and trivial, and I just hurt. I've been so careful to be as close to that perfect wife and mother as I can, and I am just tired and hurting. I want to curl up and just sleep. I've taking 3 of my xanax (1mg), and am hoping that a small glass of wine (which again I don't normally do, will help speed things along. The pain and axiety and feeling of the edge is there. I just want to hold on, and am slipping. I can't talk to my family, o r friends, if god forbid ther was ever a custody case he would throuw it up in my face for being weak, which I guess I am. Which only makes me thing that I have more xanax, and some vicodin and some soma in the closet.... I just want that numb, and feel so guilty and worthless.

[kimmieb]

I feel for you....on many levels.  I, too, have 2 young kids, and when I'm not feeling well (i.e., my hormones are whacked out because of a myriad of female hormonal imbalances -- only recently compounded by some major female surgery), my family has always gotten the brunt of it, unfortunately.  Not fair to those 2 innocent little lambies counting on you to take care of them, I know.  Anyway, it sounds like you have a LOT going on.  The PMDD is a BIGGIE, and something which is probably at the root of everything you've mentioned here.  I know because I had it.  I, too, had to take something (for me it was hydros and ativan) to ease the pain of hormone-related migraines and daily headaches and to calm me down to the point of feeling halfway normal.  Do you have a good doctor to help you through the PMDD thing??  Is he the one recommending the xanax?  I also see you take lexipro and the Depo shot.  You've got a lot going on in your body.  Your hormones are obviously stressed big-time.  You're reacting like any human would -- trying to find something that's going to help you function "normally" while hormone levels are fluctuating and raging and receptors in the brain aren't really recepting.  Problem is, xanax is extremely addictive.  Here's my situation.  I was on ativan (another similar benzo) for several years, not so much to help calm anxiety, per se, but rather to help me sleep every night.  I started at .5mg at night and over the years, increased to 2 mg at night, which is where I am right now.  Without making a long story even longer, I missed a few doses of ativan after I had some major surgery a few weeks ago, and without fully understanding what was happening to me and my body, I was in full-blown c/t w/d from the ativan.  I've never experienced anything so confusing and scary and miserable in my life.  My doctor was a jerk and totally contributed to the problem.  Anyway, I can atest firsthand to how quickly we can become dependent upon a benzo such as xanax, ativan, valium, etc.....and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, if I had any.  However, that said, I'm still struggling to find a better alternative for me than the ativan.  As of tonight, I'm still taking the 2 mg. each night for sleep.  I don't think at this point I could ever sleep more than 5 minutes without the help of something.  Not a great situation to be in, I know.  So, be careful of the xanax and be sure to know exactly what the possible consequences could be with use over time.  It just sounds like you have SO much tough stuff going on in your life right now -- rocky marriage, PMDD, depression, anxiety, xanax use, the Depo shot, etc.  It's all intertwined, but it sounds like the xanax use is causing you the most psychological distress right now....?  I know there are others on this forum who will be better able to answer some of your questions, so I'll hope they respond.  I just wanted to let you know I've had similar experiences.  Part of me still thinks that ativan is my lifesaver.  The other part of me thinks that it will be the thing that ultimately brings me down.  As with you, I'm torn.....but I do know from experience that it is not a great drug to detox from.  During my last dr. appt., I asked my neurologist, "hey, what WOULD be the harm in taking ativan for the rest of my life, say if I died at the ripe old age of 85 or something?  would anything bad happen to me in the meantime because of the drug?  would I lead a fairly normal life, even with the daily dose of drug?"  His answer didn't surprise me actually.  He said "well, no harm really, but I guarantee you won't be needing just 2 mg. to sleep at night anymore -- it'll probably be more like 20 mg or more."  Our bodies obviously develop a tolerance and a dependency on this medication, not unlike opiate addiction, but in a little different way.  It's just that the w/d's are much more life-threatening than any opiate w/d's.    Sorry for so much rambling.  I hope I've shed SOME light on something, but if not, at least you know you're not alone -- I'm right there with ya!  Keep posting and I hope you can figure it all out with the help of these compassionate people on here.  Blessings to you during this difficult time, ~~~K.