Aa
Use cocaine one more time...
Hello, I'm new to the forum and the reason I joined is because I have been having the worst cocaine cravings lately.
I have been one year clean. That is an actual full year with no slip ups. Two years if you count 3 slip ups last year. I did cocaine everyday for almost 2 years. Sounds cliche, but I did pretty much lose everything at the end of those two years. I was back in my mom's house and was extremely suicidal.
Luckily, I have a great family that supported me through recovery and now I a have a good job and am going to school part time.
Anyways, in the past week I have been having these insane cravings that start in my mind and manifest into physical symptoms. It starts in my head and then I actually feel like I'm high. My heart starts beating faster, my head gets numb, and I get all shaky. Only difference from actually being high is that I'm not feeling super euphoric.
I'm usually very busy so I never had the opportunity to use again. Every time I thought about using again, I would think, "No, I have to do this and that tomorrow" and that would keep me from going out and getting some.
But right now I am on Christmas break from school. I have a week off from work. AND I have plenty of money for it..Also, I just got in a fight with some family and am feeling kind of depressed...
I just want to do it one more time so bad...Tomorrow would be the day to do it. I would do it tomorrow and get a whole week to recover before work starts again.
Can't I just do it once a year? It could be my little secret...My Christmas present to myself for being a good boy the whole year...I did it last year around this time and nothing too bad happened...I mean I got depressed a bit afterwards...but it didn't ruin my life or anything...
God I hate that I love it so much...My mind has been obsessing over it the past few days. It's like I've already committed myself to doing it.
Maybe I'm just lonely...I haven't been able to make any friends since I quit. I spend my little bit of free time everyday playing my guitar. I haven't had sex in two years...and I'm super horny...
I don't know why I'm having so much trouble finding people...I've tried going out and meeting people through meetup.com but haven't really clicked with anyone.
Can someone convince me not to do cocaine tomorrow? I doubt you can, but I'm hoping maybe...
I have been one year clean. That is an actual full year with no slip ups. Two years if you count 3 slip ups last year. I did cocaine everyday for almost 2 years. Sounds cliche, but I did pretty much lose everything at the end of those two years. I was back in my mom's house and was extremely suicidal.
Luckily, I have a great family that supported me through recovery and now I a have a good job and am going to school part time.
Anyways, in the past week I have been having these insane cravings that start in my mind and manifest into physical symptoms. It starts in my head and then I actually feel like I'm high. My heart starts beating faster, my head gets numb, and I get all shaky. Only difference from actually being high is that I'm not feeling super euphoric.
I'm usually very busy so I never had the opportunity to use again. Every time I thought about using again, I would think, "No, I have to do this and that tomorrow" and that would keep me from going out and getting some.
But right now I am on Christmas break from school. I have a week off from work. AND I have plenty of money for it..Also, I just got in a fight with some family and am feeling kind of depressed...
I just want to do it one more time so bad...Tomorrow would be the day to do it. I would do it tomorrow and get a whole week to recover before work starts again.
Can't I just do it once a year? It could be my little secret...My Christmas present to myself for being a good boy the whole year...I did it last year around this time and nothing too bad happened...I mean I got depressed a bit afterwards...but it didn't ruin my life or anything...
God I hate that I love it so much...My mind has been obsessing over it the past few days. It's like I've already committed myself to doing it.
Maybe I'm just lonely...I haven't been able to make any friends since I quit. I spend my little bit of free time everyday playing my guitar. I haven't had sex in two years...and I'm super horny...
I don't know why I'm having so much trouble finding people...I've tried going out and meeting people through meetup.com but haven't really clicked with anyone.
Can someone convince me not to do cocaine tomorrow? I doubt you can, but I'm hoping maybe...
Relapse starts in the mind. It starts with a thought. You were looking for the feeling again. I am so glad for you that your dealer wasn't there. You way of thinking definitely needs to change. instead of thinking of getting high as something you enjoyed. You need to attach negative feelings of how it could ruin your life and possibly be your death. Working a recovery program will save your life. It could involve many things. Therapy, support groups, exercise, a new hobby, helping others, prayer, meditation, church. Other things to fill the void you are feeling from not getting high. Fortunate for you that dealer is gone but you know if you don't change your way of thinking another dealer is right around the corner. I hope you find the true peace and satisfaction within your heart, soul, mind and body that you are longing for.
Merry Christman
Debbie
Merry Christman
Debbie
Hey blackbird, I think I know how you feel. You're just tired of listening to those voices in your head urging you to do something you will regret. I spent this whole year high doing vicodin and tramadol.
Came to a breaking point 10 weeks ago where everything just fell apart. It was like my whole life lately was like a house of cards just ready to fall over. The reason I'm telling you this is that I understand how you feel. Today is Christmas and I'll I can think about is why did I quit? It's so easy to sit and remember the good times with our drugs? What about the bad times though and all the misery drugs caused. Remember ther is no guarantee that if you go back to drugs that will be a one thing, you might reopen a door that is not so easily closed.
The mental part is the hardest I think. I got really bad into cocaine like 7 years and just today I thought of how I would feel if I did it again. IMO by you going to your dealers house was a relapse cause if he was there you would of used. It seems like you're trying to do this alone and let me tell that's not easy. I'm starting to get that now. I always figured if I made the problem I can fix it. Some problems are more complex than that. Once Christmas is over I know for me I have two choices either deal with my problem and seriously find people that can help me or sit here and think it will go away by itself. I really get how you feel though. You think to yourself 'I shouldn't I enjoy myself and just do it this one time?' But that's all part of the lie of addiction. It takes joy in keeping you prisoner.
I think a big part of us abusing drugs is not being able to cope with life or when things don't go our way. Just like someone else above said that relapse happens way before you pick up the drug. Take pride and joy that you made it this far. Don't comprise yourself cause you will find it gets easier and easier to do that and then you could be back to square one. Just some things to think about it.
Came to a breaking point 10 weeks ago where everything just fell apart. It was like my whole life lately was like a house of cards just ready to fall over. The reason I'm telling you this is that I understand how you feel. Today is Christmas and I'll I can think about is why did I quit? It's so easy to sit and remember the good times with our drugs? What about the bad times though and all the misery drugs caused. Remember ther is no guarantee that if you go back to drugs that will be a one thing, you might reopen a door that is not so easily closed.
The mental part is the hardest I think. I got really bad into cocaine like 7 years and just today I thought of how I would feel if I did it again. IMO by you going to your dealers house was a relapse cause if he was there you would of used. It seems like you're trying to do this alone and let me tell that's not easy. I'm starting to get that now. I always figured if I made the problem I can fix it. Some problems are more complex than that. Once Christmas is over I know for me I have two choices either deal with my problem and seriously find people that can help me or sit here and think it will go away by itself. I really get how you feel though. You think to yourself 'I shouldn't I enjoy myself and just do it this one time?' But that's all part of the lie of addiction. It takes joy in keeping you prisoner.
I think a big part of us abusing drugs is not being able to cope with life or when things don't go our way. Just like someone else above said that relapse happens way before you pick up the drug. Take pride and joy that you made it this far. Don't comprise yourself cause you will find it gets easier and easier to do that and then you could be back to square one. Just some things to think about it.
Did u use? If u didn't then u didn't relapse. It mayb ur feeling the disappointment of trying to get it or not being able to get it. But take this as a sign from above!!!! Ur clean time is too important to let it all go for just one time like u say. Bc next time it will b one then two then three and before u kno it ur back in the boat u were a long time ago!!
So I went to my old dealer's house...
Looks liked he moved out...
As I walked toward his steps my whole body was trembling with fear and excitement. Then when I looked in his windows and saw everything was packed up, my whole body just went numb.
I'm not feeling the cravings anymore, but I don't really feel anything. I just feel empty and hollow. For the past week the only thing I was feeling were the cravings and now that their gone, it's as if there is nothing left. I know I'm still me, but no feelings.
Is this good or bad? Did I relapse or not? I don't know.
Looks liked he moved out...
As I walked toward his steps my whole body was trembling with fear and excitement. Then when I looked in his windows and saw everything was packed up, my whole body just went numb.
I'm not feeling the cravings anymore, but I don't really feel anything. I just feel empty and hollow. For the past week the only thing I was feeling were the cravings and now that their gone, it's as if there is nothing left. I know I'm still me, but no feelings.
Is this good or bad? Did I relapse or not? I don't know.
I can deffinitely tell that IBKleen is heavily involved in recovery. Every other sentence she typed is a statement I hear on a regular basis at meetings. And I hear these things regularly because they are true! You don't need to settle in one place on a regular schedule to be in a program. You can go online and find AA or NA meetings in your area and meet sooo many people who are willing to help you. At first I thought an hour a day was a big commitment but I realize I devoted 24 hours a day to shooting heroin. So by setting aside this small amount of time it keeps me in touch with people who share my experiences and and keep me in touch with why I can not go back. The addiction is a problem with our genetics and way of thinking and the using and drinking is only a SYMPTOM of that disease. Working those steps helps you understand the deeper issues, who you are, why you use, and what your character defects are. Get in touch with God (any higher power that makes sense to you) just to take some of the burden off yourself and realize that the weight of the world doesn't rest squarely on your shoulders. You will be able to relieve yourself of the inner turmoil that drives you to obsess over a drug. If you have any specific questions just ask here or send me a PM.
Peace,
Jeff
Peace,
Jeff
At one part you said you almost lost everything after using for 2 years, you're back at your moms house, you lost friends and was suicidal, but in another part of your post you said you did it last year it didnt ruin your life or anything other than being depressed. Just these 2 statements should show you how out of control coke makes you and your emotions. To throw away clean time to give yourself a "Christmas gift" for not using for a year is completely ridiculous! You need to stop making excuses and commit yourself to your recovery. You need aftercare or therapy or both. I understand you have cravings, most of us do! But using once to quiet them down is not an option.
Please dont make a mistake and throw your sobriety away. Try to remember what it was that made you stop in the first place.
Please dont make a mistake and throw your sobriety away. Try to remember what it was that made you stop in the first place.
"This is the only time of the year I am free. I can't commit to a long term program".
Commit to a long g term program as much as you committed to your drug of choice. You will be amazed. You don't have time to get high..make time for recovery.
That is all I am saying. No excuses..get 'er done!!
Commit to a long g term program as much as you committed to your drug of choice. You will be amazed. You don't have time to get high..make time for recovery.
That is all I am saying. No excuses..get 'er done!!
There are other things you can do besides using to make your cravings go away...you are definitely NOT at the point of no return so there is no justification to use ...feel me? I can't tell you what else to do...that's for you to decide :) What makes you happy?
This is the only time of the year I am free. I can't commit to a long term program.
You are right though. My emotions have been a wreck lately and that probably is a big reason why my cravings have been so intense.
But the cravings are there and they're real. How can I train my body and mind to stop them?
You are right though. My emotions have been a wreck lately and that probably is a big reason why my cravings have been so intense.
But the cravings are there and they're real. How can I train my body and mind to stop them?
I know you are doing by yourself and you are losing the battle. That was my point honey.
"I don't have time to go to any group stuff on a regular basis". But you sure have time for just one more? And you sure had time to feed your addiction to the point where you ended up here. So basically, your best thinking got you here and ready to use. Relapse begins mentally, emotionally and spiritually before you pick up the drug. I don't know where you are with that stuff but I suggest that you check.
Sorry if you think I am being tough. I am but I send this to you with the best intensions. I DO want to see your succeed, so set yourself up for success and do the right thing.
If you are a Christian then you know that Christmas is only two days away. Be present for it and don't leave before the miracle happens.
"I don't have time to go to any group stuff on a regular basis". But you sure have time for just one more? And you sure had time to feed your addiction to the point where you ended up here. So basically, your best thinking got you here and ready to use. Relapse begins mentally, emotionally and spiritually before you pick up the drug. I don't know where you are with that stuff but I suggest that you check.
Sorry if you think I am being tough. I am but I send this to you with the best intensions. I DO want to see your succeed, so set yourself up for success and do the right thing.
If you are a Christian then you know that Christmas is only two days away. Be present for it and don't leave before the miracle happens.
I know being sober is great. But the cravings are so strong. I feel like I just need to give in to satisfy it so I can maybe move on.
I'm so sick of the cravings. They drive me crazy.
I'm so sick of the cravings. They drive me crazy.
I am doing it by myself.
I don't have time to go to any group stuff on a regular basis.
Besides being too busy, I always felt like I could never share with the group because everyone there seemed to have had much worse experiences than myself. I mean, I never had to live on the streets or do anything really bad to support my addiction. The worst was losing my job, my girlfriend, my friends, and respect.
Oh and losing my mind with these cravings...
But maybe I will go back to an aftercare program. I went to something called daytox for a few months, but stopped after I got a job. It was a free government program. I don't even know if they will take me back now that I'm working...
I don't have time to go to any group stuff on a regular basis.
Besides being too busy, I always felt like I could never share with the group because everyone there seemed to have had much worse experiences than myself. I mean, I never had to live on the streets or do anything really bad to support my addiction. The worst was losing my job, my girlfriend, my friends, and respect.
Oh and losing my mind with these cravings...
But maybe I will go back to an aftercare program. I went to something called daytox for a few months, but stopped after I got a job. It was a free government program. I don't even know if they will take me back now that I'm working...
Hi & WElcome,
One is too many and a thousand is never enough. there is no such thing as one time.
I didn't see that you mentioned any sort to aftercare program. If you are doing this on your own then you are floating around in the ocean alone. Just because you put down the drug does not mean that you are no longer an addict.
I strongly suggest that you seek help from those who have been there and can show you the way through their experience, strength and hope.
I wish you the best and I hope you make it through this season without using.
One is too many and a thousand is never enough. there is no such thing as one time.
I didn't see that you mentioned any sort to aftercare program. If you are doing this on your own then you are floating around in the ocean alone. Just because you put down the drug does not mean that you are no longer an addict.
I strongly suggest that you seek help from those who have been there and can show you the way through their experience, strength and hope.
I wish you the best and I hope you make it through this season without using.
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