Will it ever end?????

[tobie]

My name is Tobie,I posted a few weeks ago andgot some great support expecially from Oxic,I wrote beacause I am desperate to get off hydrocodone,oxycodone (whatever I can getmy hands on)I detoxed last week for the third time and stayed clean for 4 days.3 days ago I relapsed horribly for the third time.I went on a damn pill searchimg rampage.Now I am so discouraged.Will this ever end?Will I ever be "normal" agian?I can't do anything without planning around lortabs.I am sooooo sick and tired of being a slave to these demons,and what in the hell am I even addicted to?I could eat 6 10's and would'nt get even the slightest buzz.I feel like such a loser.I am 22 in college and

[tobie]

I am sorry about ending like that but I hit the wrong button and it stopped but I guess what I'm looking for is someone to talk to that understands and someone to tell me how to stop relapsing.I want off more than anything I've ever wanted in my entire life,WHY CAN'T I STOP???????

[pharmdee]

Hello,
I am going through the same thing.. ia m 25 years old and i have been taking fiorocet with codeine for about 3-4 years daily..i have finally realized that i have a real problem..and that i dont know myself anymore..who i am without the medication to block out some of the pain and numb my mind..To answer your question about how or when you will stop??that is up to you..You have a choice just like i have a choice..and if you really want to stop you will!! you CAN do anything...i would suggest talking to a Doctor and telling them everything about what is happening with you..be compleatly honest.and they may be able to wean you off of the hydrocodone..also i would suggest that you incorporate a support network of people that you are compleatly honest with..places like Church,NA,AA,counseling,campus crusade..and any friends or family members that you be honest with and talk about your feelings..you will also receive great advice from people in here who are in or have been in your exact (or close to it possition) .
take care.
GBY-<///X

[wantareallife]

I long for the day that I can actually have answers to questions such as yours, however, I'm in the same sinking boat as you and getting real tired of bailing just to stay afloat.  I have never been able to taper off to the point of being drug free (Lorcet 10/650) in the end I find that i'm still left with the root cause of my addiction and get suicidal.  A couple of months ago, I found a therapist who is really helping and will always be there for me on the long road to recovery.  Otherwise, I am going to try an addiction specialist on 4/14 to get through the withdrawels with the help of suboxone, atavan ect..  Monitoring this forum has given me the courage to attempt recovery.  I now realize i'm not the only one who wakes up every morn. hating myself for being a loser. We are not losers--we just need help and the courage to ask for it.  There was a time (6 yrs ago) that lorcet gave me what i needed to want to stay alive--how quickly that little evil friend turned on me!!!! Hang in there!

[suzneedshelp]

Hello!  You have taken the first step towards your recovery! In fact, guess what?  You are IN recovery...just you have relapsed a few times.  Congratulations for being in your early recovery!  I remember whEn one said that ( i WAS ACTUALLY iN RECOVERY) to me when i was still using... It meant so much to me.  I thought "man if i am in recovery that is an awesome responsibility!  I need to learn all i can!"  
I just returned from 27 days of inpatinet Rehab cuz I found i could not do it on my own.  This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful.  It is admirable that you have tried several times and once you learn as i did...the second step is admitting we are powerless and need help.  Then you will be on the road to freedom!  E-mail me if you like.  But right now MY E- MAIL is not working so give me a few days...***@****
Best wishes to your continued recovery!
Suzie

[Tori Amos]

Hello. My name is holly. I am 20 years old and i am a heroin user. my whole family is users. The sad thing is i was with this guy and we were going to get married but i could not deal with the heroin problem. But the i started. I really want to get off. But my brother and me do it together and i get it for free for giving rides. I have been using for 5 months. I still have a job and car and all so i think i am in a way still doing good. I just wanted to know if anyone is like me and needs help. Please write me and let me know if you are still on it and all that. I also have a problem with pills. My doctor gives me anything kind i want. It is so hard to say no!!

[oxic]

Hey You!!!
Well, the answer to your question is YES, it will end, when you want/need it end. You have been soooo close a couple of times.
I would say the most important thing i read from your post, is you really want to get off these seemingly omnipotent "supplements".

Just think of all the things you have accomplished in your life already; like 4 children, attending college, etc.
What is the common denominator of most of the worthwhile things in your life??? They probably took considerable

time and effort; so i think perhaps you have to look at beating these, by thinking a lit'l longer term, with a similar effort and timeframe.  Getting through the hard  physical w/d's isn't enough(Its a great start though).
Maybe make it your "extra" course at college.....Hydro/Oxy Busting 101!!!

Don't dwell on the relapse(s), pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and lets go at it again.  You've made some major steps already Tobie; and truthfully you are right where you need to be to get off this life-sucking treadmill, when the pills aren't fun anymore.
Being normal isn't as far away as you might think!!!

Stay the Course Tobie!!!

percs

[oxic]

.....i just thought maybe i confused you with someone else(regarding the 4 kiddos); if i have i'm sorry; but the rest of the post still applies.

[tobie]

Thank You,to everyone who replied to my question.It really feels good to know someone actually cares.Oxic,Ihave only 1 child,Lord I'd kill myself if I had 4,but thank you,you have such wisdom in what you say.I am really battling this and I'm trying to think that"it's ok to lose the fight as long as you win the war."My mind is so cloudy though.I just feel weird hard to explain.Does anyone know what I mean.I remember how it feels to be clean and oh it's good but it seems so hard to get or...stay there.Anyway any advice would be great,I'm at like a stand still and I don't know why,or what I'm waiting for~see I'm not making any sense,How can I expect you all to understnd me if I can't understand myself?????I'm really hurting my brain.Feel free to email me~anyone.***@****

[sabian]

Hey dude, you've probably noticed that I haven't posted lately.  I'm sorry to say that I gave in to the Big Green 80's. I used last Friday and used Saturday, Sunday and Monday and Tuesday.  I've not had anything today, and I could kick myself in the ass for what little buzz & euphoria I got from the OXY'S.  Not nearly worth the guilt and mysery I am feeling now.  I know that if I can just go a couple of days without the OXY'S, I can get my sobriety back pretty quick WO any WD'S!!  Say a special one for me and I'll do the same for u..  How are things with u?  Good I hope.  Have a good evening.

SABIAN

[oxic]

I'm sorry Tobie, i was confusing your handle with Toria......

But of course i understand that brain-drain, it is a *****.
I went through those "mental olympics" countless times; and ultimately i came out the other side; so i know you can too!!!

Gotta tuck my kids in, but i hope we stay in touch!!!

I certainly am here for you.

percs

[oxic]

Hey Brother, i'm glad you posted......was definately thinking about cha!!

Let the guilt go friend, its the biggest destructive force.
The important thing is you are here, which tells me you are still taking steps in your recovery.  And as Tobie just said, its winning the war that matters.
Get through the next couple days, and lets make another run at it!!!
Please keep us posted.

percs

[rodewc]

I am sooooo pisssed off at me.. Grrr.. My elder daughter passed on her cough to me. we both hacked away our lungs last PM..

I didnt feel bad cuzz I had had 20 hrs sleep previously, but when I got home from work, she had several meds on the counter from the Doc, an inhaler, some pills, and syrup.

I took a swig of that syrup and thought nada of it. 15 minutes later that warm fuzzy feeling came flowing back over every inch of my body and I began playing w/ the puppy, teaching it every trick in the book..

The world was my best friend.. and then IT HIT ME.. this isnt what being DRUG FREE feels like, I have swigged a friggin Narcotic.. and sure nuff.. dumbass here took, not One, but 2 Swigs of something called: V1-Q-TUSS-LIQ

I don't have to read a package insert or search the net to recognize this familiar lover's caress.

I am sooooo pissed at myself. The puppy loves me more than ever tho. We walked and talked a million miles a minute.

SIGH~

[theGolden1]

Hey Kool ... Tori Amos is very popular these days .. So glad you are here asking for help. There is plenty of help to be had.
Read the posts here on this board. There is one thing you will have to face. If you want to get straight you cannot "hang" with ANYONE that is using. That means brother, sister, mother or doctor(pusher) ... the drug trip is down hill all the way. You will have to stop sooner or later. Why not now, while you are young enough to make a life for yourself? The alternative is alot of wasted years. You are already feeling bad about the guy you loved and wanted to marry. Maybe it's not too late. There are many out-patient drug programs that provide counciling. Just start being realistic .... and save yourself. Keep posting here ... and I will keep you in my prayers ...
***@****

[Jerri2]

Dont punish yourself just dont take anymore!You'll be ok!We all tend to make big mistakes now and then!At least you didnt take it for a week before you figured it out!I've had that nasty cold going on two weeks now!!I think its never going to leave!!!I'm 18 days clean though and very proud of it!!You can do it and you know it!!Take care my friend.I'll bet that puppy loved you like that!It probably smelt the vicodan in you!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jerri

[rodewc]

True tht, but it did set me back,, and on a loveRly Friday too.. Gratz to u. ~~RodeeWC

PS: Doubt the pup smelled the narcs, but she loved my high-pitched, sweet voice and.. all the strokes!

[mystere]

I know exactly how you feel--I have just relapsed AGAIN.  I had over 35 beautiful hydrocodone free days in January and then bam--I discovered some pills and the rest they say is history.  I am having a very difficult time getting back on tract--And now my husband and I will be leaving town and I am totally out of pills--Sooo its off to the docs office to try and con my way into getting another rx so that I can make it through this trip.  I feel like such a slug.  I haven't given up yet!  That is why I continue to come to this forum--Hopefully one day I'll be able to help someone like all the wonderful people here have helped me. This is the only place on the planet where people actually understand what I am going through.  I am able to express my true feelings about this horrible "affliction"--Thanks for letting me vent--Take care tobie--If I haven't given up neither should you!  We just have to keep trying until we get it right. Peace and Prayers--Mystere

[peaz]

Hey You---Keep that attitude!!  That's the very thing that will determine whether you can get some clean time under your belt!   You're absolutely right: you CAN'T give up--getting your life back is FAR too important.  Please never forget that.  It's HARD--so GODDAMNED hard, but I will tell you that it's worth it and I don't lie!!  LOL  Set yourself another course and stick w/ it.  Keep in touch; I think about ya!! Love--peaz

[percsnomas]

I have to correct you!!!
You said "hopefully one day you'll be able to help someone........."
YOU ALREADY HAVE, over and over again!!!
Don't underestimate your importance here.  From getting those wonderful 35 days hydro-free, to all the support and hope you pass on to others.

As i just said to Tobie and Sabian, 'Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and lets go at it again'.

Keep on posting, my other "Sybill"!!
You are making it!!!

percs

and as the "wise one"(and wise ass at times).....Peaz said, "Don't give up, cause getting your life back is far too important"

[VicoWithdrawing]

So it begins...my first contribution.  I'm 50 and have been on Percocet and Vicoprofen almost constantly since my hip replacement in March 2000.  For well over a year I went through 100 10 mg. Percocet every two weeks.  My doc cut me off and I went through Hell for about five days abd then felt better.  It was only a couple weeks later and I my doc gave me a script for Vicoprofen.  for the last six months or so I've gone through 100 every two weeks.  Two weeks ago my doc gave me a final script.  Now, its been 48 hours since my last two pills and I still feel like ****.  Not as bad as yesterday though.  I've read many of the other comments and find beneficial information by being among others who have and are experiencing the same thing as I.  I have all the same symptoms - mental and physical.  I can barely remember when I was last straight but I'm going to get there with willpower, desire, and the help from this web site.  I caution the person who's Dr. wants to prescribe Oxycontin - you will be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire -- DON'T DO IT!!!!  Thanks everybody
VicoWithdrawing

[Chezz2]

You are doing fine. Nothing you have done is "new" to addiction. It is called relapsing. That is what addiction is all about, otherwise they wouldn't have come up wiht the word.

You have the right attitude and just have to continue to keep positive.
Life is full of ups, downs, and surprises. None of which you are encountering now. As an addict, this is just part of the process we go through.
You will make it back again. It just takes perserverance and the will to want to get your life back on track.
Like you said, we are all here for you, using or not. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
I hope everything works out with your doc and your upcoming out of town trip.
Keep positive,
Chezz

[mystere]

Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement-Its people like you that give me the strength to keep on fighting--Yes, my doc did give me a new rx for hydro's (10/400)--Unfortunately I'm a walking orthopedic nightmare and they take one look at my x-rays (neck and hip) and would basically give me anything I ask for. The best part is that any pain that I do have can be controlled with Advil and for that I am extremely grateful--The problem is that the Advil does not provide that little "boost"--mental and physical that the hydro's do!  I'm getting very tired of the mental anguish that accompanies trying to obtain the pills--I adore my doc and his office staff and the fact that I lie to get a rx makes me feel like a dirtbag--Oh yes--the guilt and shame that seems to set in and don't forget that other wonderful emotion PARANOIA after I have successfully scored a rx.  Don't get me wrong I am grateful that I will not have to experience severe withdrawal symptoms while I'm out of town, but all this has made me start to think that these pills are really becoming more trouble than their worth.  I am going to try and taper while out of town and be resolved that this is it--I have been on the "other side" and it is rather quite spectacular--So the million dollar question is--Why do we go back to those little demons time time after time?  I refuse to give up and with all of the support I receive here I know I will succeed in the not to distant future--Thanks again for caring and listening! Peace and Prayers-Mystere--AKA--N.O. lady

[Chezz2]

There will come a time when you are READY. When you FEEL it inside. When it comes from within, is when you will KNOW you are ready to stay off of them. Until then you will ride the coaster.
Time will only tell when that will come.
When you FEEL it, you will know. Until then you need to continue to focus on why you should not continue to jump back on.
Your time will come, everyones does. Addiction is a battle, the war will never end, recovery will always be there.

Chezz

[bsills]

I disagree with most of the posts here.  I think I can help you make the detox must less painful and therefore less likely to relapse.

[rodewc]

And that would be how, Oh So Cryptic One?


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