addicted to Tylenol 1's

[scaredOFreality]

I have been addicted to drugs in general since i was 12 i am 21 know and i have had an addiction to tylenol 1's for 2 years(takening them every day) i actually quite about 18 days ago i quite for a week then relapsed about 4 times...i was taking about 20 at a time twice a day and i weight 105 pounds and im 5'6...i cut down to 15 at one time a day know when i relapse i take 10 which is really low for me...i have a 2 year old little boy and all i feel is guilt guilt and for guilt which i should feel anyway...my bf works out of town and he stays in camp for a month at a time...he's found bottles of empty pill bottles on a regular basics but hasent said anything except for " That costs money you know" I was so proud of myself when i had quite for a week before this time and i told him that i have been addicted to them for awhile and he said "a week thats it" then i told him you had to of known i was taking them to much and he said "no" we dont have a very good relationship and he always says that hes gonna take my son away from me so thats why i dont really tell him about my addiction....the only thing keeping me from taking them all the time is my little boy so if i lost him it would either be my rock bottom and i would quite for good or i would just taken them more...i broke my hip when i was sixteen...i "fell" out of a second story building...i dont remember what happened because thats when i was drinking whiskey straight everyday my point is i have pain but i never use the pills for the pain because i can deal with that kind of pain i cant deal with the pain i feel inside...my mom died when i was 16 months old and my dad died when i was about 12 years old from a drug overdose...my moms mom took me in and it was hell...when i was a baby i had togo to a foster home over night because she was drunk in a bar with me(thats when they had places where they served alcohole and children were aloud in) i overdosed on my grandmas sleeping pills when i was 12 and again when i was about 14 and then when i was 15 they admitted me to the "crazy" house i spent a week there...worst week of my life and then the doc said "your not crazy you can go" and of course my grandma made me feel worse she would make it like she was the one suffering because what im doing but in a way that was so cruel...she use to hit me with rulers belts brushes anything she could get her hands on...even a hammer...so i always turned to my aunt because she was "good" to me besides the doing drugs in front of me and having sex in the same bad as me...then when i was older like 15 she turned on me...she strrted abusing me and nothing like my granma did...my aunt hit me and kicked me till i was bleeding...she told all my friends lies about me so they stopped talking to me she would feed me crack percacet tylenol 1's morphine pills sleeping pills crystal meth...and then she would insault me and put me down and hit me....my boyfriends mom things i have so many problems which i do but the way she see's it is if you wanna change your life your the only one that can do it so pretty much im pathetic...which i am but i try so hard not to seem that way because i dont want to be a victom...anyway i dont talk to anyone but my granma and a family friend...i dont have any friends...i isolated my self for 5 years and i always think people are starring at me when i go out...i think everyone hates me...i went to the doc one time for my sonand she looked at me and said you need a break so it's like i look messed up and i look pathetic...people can see it so i dont want to go out but i have to because i have alittle boy..thats probley why i take the pills because i have nothing to do besides clean clean and take care of my son...im 21 and i feel like im 60 years old...i feel my self yelling at my son more which kills me....it really really really does i hate mty self for that i hate my self for not working and i hate that my son doesnt have any little friends because i dont....if i didtn have him i would have killed my self...saying all this im breaking down right now and i want pills people just have no idea how strong i am for not REALLY going crazy....im alone way to much...the way i act is the person that i am inside i feel like running down the street screaming sometimes(not really) i wanna break out...i wanna get better and feel better about things but its like im just different from everyone and everyone see's it...my boyfriend even strrted saying i was hearing things and saying im crazy....i try so hard to be a good mother and for so long i just kept telling people i am a good mother even though they would say that im not...my mother in law critisizes everything i do she even called child protective services on me(she didnt admit it but know one else would of) because i moved out of her place...i asked her after i got the visit from them if she called and she said no then i said do you think im a good mother she said well i dont know because your not here(before she used to tell me that she was proud of me because i was a good mother....so one day i just said ******* im tired of defending my self IM A ****** MOTHER and i am i use to believe that i was a good mother but im not and thats whats tearing me up inside...i NEVER want my son to ever feel alone or lost or depressed i would die if he felt that way...because i know i could have did something different alot different...i cant even tell u how bad i would feel if i messed him up and i know that if i dont get help he will be messed up...my grandma was depressed all the time and i felt it growing up so i need to stop this cycle...so thats some of my life and those are reasons why I take the pills...i have such a strong craving for them esspeccially right now.....im just so scared i really am....does anyone have any answers or encourging advice or just to talk with me please (sorry for such along story)

[raventwo]

Just what lucyred said! Everybody relapses it's normal I believe to do that when your trying to get through it! So, don't beat yourself up, just like lucy said, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep on pushing forward!  You can do it- we all know you can, and you know you can!! Your a tough woman! What is the plan? Talk to us, we're here for you!

[lucyred68]

no, hun, when you relapse, it just means you had a weak moment.  just pick up the peices, dust yourself off, and start again.  we all go through that.  i don't think anyone in here has gone trhough wd's without relapsing at least once!!

Lucy

[scaredOFreality]

When you relapse does that mean you dont REALLY want to quit??

[raventwo]

SO, how are you doing today? the little guy? Just checking on you, let me know how it's going!!

[raventwo]

AMEN SISTER! Yeah, it's amazing what people will say, when they are so low themselves that they have to put other people down just to build their own selves up! It's actually, sad & pathetic. Obviousely, Johnkelley has some very deep, emotional, problems as he continues to throw out there the "psychlogical" issues & "psychological help", that everybody else in his opinion, gravely needs, and then being a hypocrite on top of all that, well I guess what he's saying is that he really needs some psychological help, & maybe he's crying out for help from all of us??? hmmmm......what do you think? Ok- & that's my therapy session for him, for today, n/c for this advice! LOL!!!  Scared, and all you beautiful people, have a great, restful (if possible), night, sweet dreams, and to a brighter day tomorrow!!! Each day is new & offers new hope! GOODNIGHT! Give the little man some hugs & kisses, & tell him to give mommy bunches too!!

[scaredOFreality]

thanks so much for the kind words again....sortamental its nice to know that theres people that go throught the same situations...i really appreciate the love you all have for me and my son...you all are in my prayers as well



lucyred...i read the guys post and yah what a hyprocrit...i read another comment he left someone else...pretty much telling her she was "crazy" as well...it's funny what people have to do to make themselves feel good....