2 Days Clean!!!

[Nicole1105]

Y'ALL! I did it! I'm CLEAN! Thank you God! I know I disappeared on ya'll (right after I flip-flopped a million times about what my plan was) so I'll catch you up.

I was going to sit at my parents' place and taper off of Oxys and Percs. Due to some family drama and the fact that I was sick as a dog even while tapering, I just decided to say f it and go CT. I took one Oxy 10 the morning of 12/21. By that night I was sweaty/cold/anxious, but I thought "Hey, nothing I can't handle!" Oops, spoke too soon...

I stayed up basically all night and was all pumped about getting clean. I drifted off about 6 am on 12/22 and when I awoke at like 11 am, boy was I in for it. Let's just say the bathroom was my friend. It was BAD. I couldn't hold anything down & started to get scared. I only have one kidney and a host of other medical issues, so I got to thinking that doing it CT wasn't such a good idea. After all, I was getting clean so that I wouldn't die an untimely death; I didn't want to accidentally kill myself while detoxing.

I had my good friend A hold my pills for me, so I called her and said "Uncle!" She gave me some Percs just so I could function long enough to come up with a plan. I was still so very sick and now distraught. I felt like there was NO where for me to turn, NObody that would help me, etc. I was about to resort to getting Suboxone off the street and attempting to taper myself off. Of course that is, IF I could find it, which I didn't think I could. Plus I had no clue what I was doing. So there I was on my friend's couch in the fetal position, hugging the trash can, feeling hopeless. I honestly did not know what to do next and thought I was going to live my (significantly shorter) life on pills and on the street.

Then, one of A's friends came over. She told me about a place in DE, about 35 minutes from my place. I had called this place before and they told me I needed a DE ID to get in; I am a MD resident so that wasn't an option in my mind. She told me to lie and say that I was a DE resident, but that I had not gotten my ID changed over. She said she had given them a sob story about how she was staying with family in DE for a little while & got kicked out because of using (she's a full MD resident too).

I hated to lie. *Using* is all about lying and manipulating and...yuck. But I figured this time, I'd lie to save my life. I'd lie for good, not for evil. So I did it. They saw right through it, but called the director and he decided to let me in anyway. They are saints and it's obvious that helping people is their main priority. I didn't pay a dime for treatment.

I had my last Perc at 3 pm on 12/22, and they didn't give me Suboxone until 9:30 am on 12/23. I was OK until like 4 am, then all he!! broke loose again. We tried the old pill trio that they used to use before Sub was created (one pill was a muscle relaxer, one was anti-anxiety, and one was so my BP didn't spike) but that didn't do sh!t really. I suffered it out for 5 hours until I could see the Nurse Practitioner and get the Sub. Let me tell you, it was the worst 5 hours of my life. I had to take it minute by minute, second by second even. I knew I didn't want to die, but I would've done anything to make the pain stop. However, 15 minutes after dissolving that Sub under my tongue, all was right with the world! I did a quick 5 day taper off Sub and now I've been completely clean for almost 3 days now.

I was in detox for the last 7 days. We had 3 group meetings per day (the evening group was either AA or NA). I made some incredible friends and was actually sad to leave. I am so, so grateful for the opportunity to go there and get help. I can't even describe it. I feel like I'm not worthy, what with all the lying, stealing, stupid crap I did while using. Before I went in I couldn't stop crying...here these people were, complete strangers and my good friend, rallying around me and trying to help me even though I feel like I didn't deserve it. It's an incredible feeling.

I still don't feel *great,* but it's wonderful to have a clear mind. (I've been thinking a million miles an hour!) Yes, I have to deal with all the hurt I caused while using, but you know what? I'm ready and willing to do that. I'm just so very thankful to be clean and alive to see another day. :)

[tomskat]

Congratulations my friend on your clean time!!Sounds like you have a good aftercare plan in place with the meetings in place.Please keep us posted,and stay strong,keep your guard up,and keep up the great job!!~Anne

[dominosarah]

Congrats on 2 days clean!!  Now work your recovery as hard as you can.  This is when it gets tough.  Surround yourself with healthy sober people.  Keep us posted on how you are doing~~~~~~~sara

[ang_811]

congrats on 2 days clean..good luck to ya and dont forget we do this just for today..keep posting to let us know how ur doing ....we got ur back girl.....angie ♥

[gnarly_1]

Nicole great to see you back..... congrats on 2 days.....I always woorie when someone says there going to C/T and disappears off the radar .....im happy you where able to get help detoxing is never pritty
but it is just the beginning of your road to sobriety it is critical that you stick with the meetings look for someone thats got what you want....hook up with them to sponsor you
as addicts we need to change the very way we think to live in recovery right now break off
tyes with using friends stay away from places that you would score or use you got to change persons places and things for this to work.....I wish you all the best in your recovery
as ang put it we do this '''just for today'' good luck and God bless.....Gnarly