Something to think about....

[Andie015]

My husband and I have been having issues lately and I couldn't figure out why. I sat down and really thought about it and realized that it has been building since I left rehab almost 8 months ago.  There has been a distance between us growing and growing and finally last night I confronted him about it. After much poking and prodding he admitted to me that I a completely different person from the addict he had been living with for the past 13 years that I was using. He said I am a much stronger and outspoken person now and it's strange for him to see me like this. I asked him if he preferred the addict and he said no, that it wasn't a bad thing, just something he's not used to. I explained that in the past when I had a problem I would pop some pills and make it go away, now I don't do that and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with issues head on now. I finally saw myself for who I am now and I have really changed.  I'm posting this for anyone who may be having similar issues. I thought once I got sober my relationship would just get better and better but instead it went the other way. Just remember you aren't the only one dealing with a new you, you might not see it like those around you do. As he put it, my change isn't bad... It's just new and different and it takes time to get used to. Sobriety changes so many aspects of your life, even when you don't realize it......

[Andie015]

Belle....right now, I can handle a TON of happiness, thanks so much!!!!  And it really is just learning how to live and deal with each other again. A few weeks just won't cut it, but if this is who you were meant to be with, it will all work out. I'm really seeing that now.... Since my first post, I just want to be with my husband as much as I can and I feel like a teenager again... I want him by me always and he's loving it......it feels so great to feel love again.... may sound corny but it's completely true.....

[wransomejr]

Listen...I'm not a girl and while I was using I supported a live-in lover for two years. I made a lot more money, and he did not always make the right decisions. I did waste money on drugs, but I did not let it break the bank.

However, when I admitted those little pills could not just be put down, he said you need to stop. We went to NA together. He actually helped me in my taper from tramadol. I am very thankful.

But after I got clean he complained because I was not entertaining him any more, and he did not give me the time to recover even though people in NA said it would take longer than a few weeks. I left him. I probably should have anyway and we are both on speaking terms.

But I love hearing all these stories about couples sticking to each other. It makes sense that part of recovery for everyone involved is relearning how to live and act together.

Cudos to all who are doing that!

R

[BelleFemme]

Thank you Andie...my mom said the same...take it as a compliment...but keep your eyes open and focus on YOURSELF....I am wishing all the blessings and happiness you can handle! :)

[VICourageous]

Hey Ang! This is a great post. What really gets me is that I was talking to my Hub today about all of this. We took the Dogs to the Beach and then drove into town. All the way there and back there was silence. I asked my Hub is he misses me talking all the time. I also asked him he he misses the old me with the high ash energy and getting everything done around here.Like a millions miles and hour. He looked at me and said that he really enjoys me this way. He likes the new mellow me. He does not care if I do not do all the things I used to. We have been married 28 yrs in Sept. I do not think he has ever seen me like this. He also is very, very supported toward me when I get so frustrated on having the low energy alot. He just reminds me what the Dr had said and also he watch some videos about this disease. He is the one that tells me it will take time to bounce back. So his support really helps me not to run back to my old behaviors on using this or that to get this or that done like Yesterday! Yes Marriage is a Job not just a adventure. Thanks!
Bless

[dominosarah]

All the ideas given here are something we should all be doing everyday addict or not.  I have learned during my recovery that we should never take anything for granted.  None of this sounded "girly" at all, this is reality~

[Andie015]

Weaver....awesome insights, that's why I'm so confident you will succeed, because you have such a real grasp on the situation. And Belle...I don't have experience with a military man but as far as I can tell, they aren't the counseling type, and that's ok. You do what you need to do to make yourself better. And I can relate to the whole "your into this guy or that guy" thing. My husband never went nuts with that so I just took it as a complement that I look good.  What you need is to focus on yourself...100%.  This really did turn into a really heartwarming thread, sorry to sound girly.  I haven't experienced real romance for quite sometime, due to my own actions, I'm just so inspired by all of this....thanks everyone!!

[BelleFemme]

I am so glad you posted this. I have been thinking of posting, but was torn. You were my sign to reach out. According to my doctors I was "dependent", does it really matter?? No. I still needed hydros. I never had any rock bottom, financial issues, or anything like that, but I still felt sick if I didn't take my meds and my husband knew. I took them. We worked  out, traveled, etc. awesome sex life. Arguments? When it was time to take my hydro I blocked it out. Now no hydros for 67 days, after a year and a half, and I feel great...been vegan for years. I think that helped. Now I SEE things clearer. How unhappy I am in my newlywed marriage. I always knew it. I hid in my dependency. Now I have no where to hide. I am itching to go rock climb, run, go to the gym...by myself sometimes...he does not like it...I never paid attention to how much HE paid attention to men looking at me. I guess I paid little attention to a lot. We have a good looking UPS guy. He hit on me the other day. I handled it. Now I supposedly want the UPS guy. All these things I ignored are like BOOM in my face. He is basically impossible to communicate with. Because of his military rank he is used to giving orders, not communicating. As long as I am with him or at home, he is great. Oh, complained about my iPad though he knows I am always on here. I feel like I put up with or ignored stuff because I was so distracted and upset about the pain meds...now I am dealing with reality. I told him we needed counseling..he said that is for the weak, though I go. I am lost right now, but I am glad I do not have ANY cravings and I never drank more than a glass of champagne once a year...maybe...but my anxiety is so high I am concerned about worsening my anxiety disorder. Sorry for rambling...been building up...is it because I am not as helpless because I am not taking pills and he is threaten by that??

[weaver71]

Our spouses learn their own coping skills in dealing with an addict. Habits and patterns form. Instincts are rooted in a situation that no longer exists. My family is very open about everything. We don't hesitate to confront each other. My wife just went through a phase of treating me like an addict and was feeling anxious and frustrated, like the good ole days. I felt like she did, when she watched me struggle and could do nothing. I took inventory to see my part, then I confronted her irrational responses to me. It turned into a huge fight. Even the kids said, "Wow, you guys usually get over it by the next day, but that one took a whole week." I wasn't giving up on her, no way. We realized the problem, formed an even closer bond and team spirit between us, and things are better than ever. That was the most recent challenge, each one gets truly resolved. That is new for both of us, and we like it. Date night is a great idea, I try to arrange some time to fall in love all over again, at least twice a month. I told my wife, prove to me why I should want to be with you and I'll do the same. Flirting, holding hands watching the sun set, nice dinner at home or out, and we watched live music to celebrate my one year, all those things that show we care are mandatory for me. Boy is it hard at times, especially when I'm not to blame. That was always a given before. When my wife is happy and in the moment with me, I make sure to let her know how good it looks on her. Nothing more attractive than a person who's happy on their own, sitting by my side and sharing. My happiness cannot depend on another, and nobody in their right mind would depend on me for their happiness. I love how things are unfolding, as hard as they are. I don't want to escape anymore and I have to resolve issues as they arise. I look forward to the passing years. Another 1000 fights and we'll morph into one person we'll be so close. Like recovery, marriage never ends, so don't grow complacent and always put work into it.

[glamisgirl]

I really enjoyed reading this post because it really touched home with one of my big worries. For as long as my husband has known me I've been an addict. He doesn't know the sober me. I would worry what if he doesn't like the clean me. I know my addiction put a huge strain on him and he was at his wits end cause he just didn't know how to help me. Reading this post made me see my fears are just that only fears that can be faced and talked through.

[Andie015]

It is really great to see our spouses standing by our sides. I know my husband had to deal with so many ups and downs from me and its probably a shock to his system that its not so chaotic anymore. And it was interesting to hear atthebeach's side of this, although it did make me a little sad.  All I know from my situation is that it's not going to be a breeze to get back to "normal" (whatever that is)  what we need to do is create a new normal. After reading all of your stories and comments, I couldn't wait to get home from work to give my husband a huge hug, and just hold him. He put up with so much, and I need to give him a break like he has given me so many times. Have a great night everyone....and hold those loved ones close!!!   PS  Sarah, I'm not sure why, but I have never been so moved by anyone's thoughts like that. It's just what I needed to hear and gave me new motivation and excitement about my relationship, I have a wonderful feeling about where we're headed now.....thank you.... Thank you everyone.....this is such a feel good post when it started out so glum.....simply inspirational!!!!

[waterLilly7]

I second that Sarah!
hugs,
Lily

[dominosarah]

You know what i find simply refreshing reading all of this??  Each one of you are going thru the same thing and you have all found the goodness in each of your spouses.  Each parties feelings are being validated.  I see nothing but good things happening for all of you.  Rebuilding our lives is hard enough and to do it with the one who has been at your side makes it easier.  Marriage is hard work but it is worth it.  May you all feel those "butterflies"~

[waterLilly7]

wow  your post hit home with me. I am the same way. I used to cry and resent those who walked on me, family, friends, etc. I would roll up in a ball and poor me poor me.
NOW, oh haha, nobody steps on me. I am the boss applesauce. I don't expect things from people anymore. I f I want something from someone I will ask, not hang around waiting for them to realize. I am so much more assertive, but its a positive assertive. I am a family leader now, and it feels great.

hugs,
Lily

[WalkTall]

Hi Andie,

Let me throw you for a loop... The whole time I've known my wife, I was addicted to opiates.  I shared my secret with her before we got married, and I've struggled with addiction for several years.  When I finally got the determination to quit, she looked at me in the eyes and tearfully asked "Are you still going to love me when you're not on cloud 9?"

Here I am, 2-weeks clean, and the answer is a resounding YES.   If anything, we are closer now, not just because my libido is crazy, but because she helped me get clean.  We went to war together, and she's my partner in this life-long battle.  

Maybe, after detox, we're not as "fun" or energetic, but our life is REAL.

The best cure for a relationship problem is communication.  Tell him how you feel.   Tell him you love him, that your feelings are real, not opiate-induced. and spend quality time together.  

And whatever you do, don't use this as a trigger to relapse.  That's a killer of relationships, finances, health, and everything else that matters.

[atthebeach]

my husband has been clean for over 3 years after using for 14 years of our marriage. when he was first clean I was on the "pink cloud" I thought all our problems were solved and we would now live happily ever after.

that wasn't the case. my anger, hurt, sadness surfaced all over again at how our lives were. our finances a mess, our kids were deeply affected, our marriage was non existence in a relationship way. we had just become housemates. we as a family, a marriage, my husband, my children and i all had a lot of healing and restoration that had to take place.

i had become the head of our home for all emotional strength, advise, permission, planning, needs, security, requirements, confiding in,  discipline, any help that was needed my children looked to me because my husband wasn't there emotionally for any of these things.

   my children who are 27,22,15 & 13 still to this day have a hard time going to him.  
i had a hard time letting down my walls. i am still to this day afraid of trusting him too much, confiding in him, letting myself get to close to him, i am fearful for what could happen again. i am vulnerable and so are my children.

we are making progress and my husband acknowledges the hurt and issues that are there. i am honest with my feelings and many times need to have them validated.  he understands that it is going to take time, his continued work at his recovery, his actions. he doesn't know many times how to respond to things because he was so emotionally absent for many years that he doesn't respond in the right way many times.  he is still learning how to show, respond and use his emotions. many times when he should hug or say something, he is essentially frozen.

we are a work in progress, at this point in our family, my husband, oldest son and daughter are all clean, i am very thankful and am praising GOD, we are healing and being restored as individuals, a family and our marriage.

yes we all become sick, but there is healing. keep moving forward,
be honest with your feelings and allow your husband the freedom he needs to be honest with himself, you and your marriage.

[Andie015]

Sorry.....I meant some of us....

[Andie015]

Thanks everyone. I'm not going to say I'm glad done of us are dealing with this but it's good to know I'm not the only one. It's hard for me to see it from his perspective as it is for him to see it from mine. I already feel better about where we are headed in our new relationship and actually it's kind of exciting to have a "fresh start". Sarah....your last line made me smile, the thought of falling in love all over again gave me butterflies...that sounds just wonderful and that's just what I plan on working on, a very happy thought!

[OxyTired]

Though I am only on day 12 clean from Oxy I can relate to what you posted about. My first major recovery from alcohol was before I got married, just a couple of months in fact. I told my wife to be in the same breath as my marriage proposal. She took it pretty well. Fast forward 15 years and I got terribly hooked on Benzos. I melted down, she got really close to emptying the bank accounts and leave me. She hung on, but became the "strong one" in the family. We still have problems with that sometimes.
This time around she has seen me at my very worst. As I type this, it has occurred to me that I need to offer her the same understanding when she is stressing and at her "worst." Just because I am on a pink cloud of recovery doesn't give me the right to lash out with my newfound strength.
I personally think our marriage partners have put up with a lot of crappy behavior from us addictive types who were using, hopefully now clean. That trust we feel we should immediately have might take a while. It's understandable that family may not trust us immediately. Why should they? I know I was not trustworthy when using, pretty dishonest much of the time.
Hope things get better for you,  patience with family is key, they will come around to loving the "new" (real) YOU

[Pjtwenty]

Man I've been dealing with the same after only 3.5 years of using. It's really hard for people to understand if they haven't experienced it themselves.

All the habits we get in using. I use to enjoy using and then staying up late after my wife went to bed. That caused a problem because we use to lay there and talk about the day at night before we would fall asleep. Just recently I've started to go tobed tthe same time as her again or atleast lay there and chat a bit about the day. This is a very important part to our day that was missing.

Anyway I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I know too about dealing with emotions now that I'm clean. It's tough and I can recall several times losing my cool too quickly especially with my two boys.

Have you all considered counseling?

[clean_in_ks]

Thanks, Andie.  And a HUGE "I can SO relate".....since we eat, live and breathe with our husbands.  We ARE different....and they got so use to adapting to our "addictive behaviors"....now we're on a new path together and we're kinda learnin as we go.

NEW stuff is uncomfortable for me now that I'm not using....but I am at a point in my recovery where I ask myself....is this thing that's so uncomfortable for me "healthy"...or not?  If it's healthy....that means I need some time, repetition and healing to begin to "feel comfortable" with it.

On the other hand.....if what's making me uncomfortable is UNhealthy....then I have to muster up the courage to deal with it accordingly.  This one is the hardest for me....  

I've actually encouraged my hub to get involved somehow....with others who "live with an addict....whether active or in recovery....but he doesn't want any part of it.  So....for now...not only do I think we have so much to learn (and un-learn) ourselves....but our hubbys do, too.

Thanks for the post.....onward we go on this road of recovery~

[dominosarah]

Here is the good news....You 2 are communicating now on a real level.  Im sure you are a threat to your husband as you are in charge of your life now.  Make a date night with just the 2 of you.  Reconnecting is something we have to do.  Falling in love all over again can be a very rewarding experience~

[Andie015]

One thing I should have added was I have been having some mood swings lately, just frustration really, that my husband was also upset about. This is where the trouble came in of me having to find another way of dealing with problems other than popping pills...I tried explaining that I have to learn how to function all over again...it's truly like I'm re learning how to live.....it gets frustrating...