day 5 clean and I just got 20 vicodin...help please

[done4good]

I have been thru withdrawal hell this week and in a weak moment I called my pharm to ask for a refill yesterday. I didn't think my dr would ok it since it'd only been a week since I got 20 from him.
Well, right after an NA meeting tonight I got the msg that my prescription was ready. I am still feeling sick and wanted the relief the stupid pills would bring.
Anyway, I took 2. I want to throw the rest in the toilet but am worried I'll be going thru withdrawals all over again. Will 2 pills make me start all over again???
I'm really scared...I can't go thru another week like this.
....wanting to be DONE4good, but apparently not strong enough

[Flutterby111]

Are you strong enough to taper?

[cathy5841]

no you will not have w/ds again off two pills.  if you dont flush the rest you might.  you know you dont want to take them.  the guilt will eat you up.  you wont enjoy them.  NOW GO FLUSH!
cathy

i am waiting to hear the swooosshhh

[done4good]

I don't know. I did it with ultram but the high from those wasn't as much as I get from vicodin. I've only been really using consistently for about a month and 1/2...really sporadic before that. I have been in withdrawal mode since I took my last pill Sunday am. I was almost done with the physical part right?

[kimmieb]

can you taper instead?  i almost thing you have to be stronger and more disciplined to do it that way.....but if it makes you feel better....you might try it with the 20....that's a choice for you....from what i understand, you'll still feel w'd's slightly after tapering down with the 20, but perhaps not as hellish as before....hard to guarantee anything though....go with your gut feeling....does it feel right to continue taking more....or does it feel better just to get rid of them for good?

[done4good]

I want to flush them but I can't seem to do it.
I know I want the empowerment of getting rid of them though.

[worried878]

So u were clean for 1 week and pretty much done with the worst of WDs,,,right?  2 pills will not make you have to start over on WDs...you may feel a bit anxious for a day or 2 but it will not make u have to totally start over...flush the dern things...and if you want to succeed, try very hard not to do this to yourself again....so now u took 2...u can go back to using and take the rest over the next few days or whatever and repeat WDs....or u can flush them and get out while the getting is good...u r not too far gone yet...

[worried878]

i did it a few weeks ago...took them after a neck procedure for 4 days and could tell i was right back on the wrong path...go into the bathroom and flush them ....go....say your favorite prayer and go do it

[cathy5841]

if you will flush them you will be telling your addiction you are done.  it will give you the power you are looking for.  you should be close to being over the hardest part of your w/ds if you have been off since sunday.  you really dont want to have to go through that again, now do ya?

[done4good]

you guys are so right.
The demon in me wants to keep just a few. Worried did you flush them after 4 days? Did you get withdrawals from those 4 days?

[done4good]

ok I flushed 5, 13 to go...
I don't mean to be a drama queen here but I'm having a hard time just dumping all of them. They've always been so dang hard to get. stupid, addict reasoning I know...

[kimmieb]

i get that...why do we always want to "just keep a few" all the time....is it in case of emergency?  if we get a toothache in the middle of the night and can't stand the pain?  is it just for mental well-being?  why do we always feel that way?  i don't think we can have it that way and stay clean....it's the nature of the beast....they're there, we'll find a reason to eventually take them....don't ask me why....don't know....if you've been off since Sunday, the congratulations to you!  that's awesome...way to go....keep on goin'....you've come far in 5 days or so....those are the worst 5 days....you did it already....way to go...just keep it up and you'll be great

[done4good]

thank you kimmie, cathy and worried...you all have no idea how much this helps. I don't think I could have dumped even one if I hadn't logged on here.

[worried878]

go for it...yes i flushed them and no i did not have physical WDs...mentally i felt a bit of a setback...u will feel so good because u just did one of the hardest things an addict can do....you will win

[kimmieb]

YOU won, the pills didn't.....ha! :-)

[done4good]

I still have 13 to go. If I keep 3 of them "just in case" is that just the addict talking?
I mean...like if I wake up tomorrow feeling totally horrible..then I could use the 3 to taper.
I'm so afraid of withdrawal now.
I hate addiction.

[worried878]

ditch the taper idea...I dont think many knew u had been clean for a week before this....ditch them...flush them....if you push it u will end up having to taper or WD

[worried878]

k....did u flush those 3?   read a sad post and then go flush them...what is a good post for her to read to get the will power to go flush?   any ideas?   that is waht happened to me...i read this sad post about a girl who had given up after relapsing so many times and i started crying and flushed

[done4good]

I have 13 still...sigh.
Ok I'll look for a post to help motivate. Heck I could just read my own from this week...sigh again.

[newgirl2708]

GO MAKE THOSE FISH HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cathy5841]

did you flush?  there is power in flushing.....swoosh.....flush the rest of them....i'm  waiting.

[done4good]

ok I flushed all but 2.
btw...I don't even feel great from the two (ok now three..hell why lie to you guys)
I took. I feel on edge and really tired at the same time.

[worried878]

First let me state where I'm coming from: Oxycodone addiction. I took it to function. Not for physical pain, but for emotional pain. And I can't tell you how scary it is to know there is just a perfect little drug for happiness. It enabled me to get up in the morning and face the day with energy and happiness. It even gave me the motivation to start excersizing - I even have a home gym now thanks to Oxy. And at the time... I thought Oxycodone was 'just a pain-killer'. I didn't even know it was the barbiturate aspect that made me feel so euphoric. And I didn't even think there was more to withdrawal than just bearing through an uncomfortable physical withdrawal (which I could and can do with no problem) with minor anxiety. To me, it was perfect. Until I ran out after taking them for months...

Hell. Complete and total emotional meltdown. It was as if for every moment of happiness it had brought over the past months was being revisited upon me in the form of emotional hell. The law of 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction' suddenly had a horrible new meaning for me. And truthfully, the agony of withdrawal seems a hundred times worse than the gain it gives.

I still have a memory... of me squatting on the floor of the shower with my arms wrapped around my legs - crying as the hottest water I could stand rained down on me. Crying for the first time since I found out my mom had cancer and likely wouldn't live beyond the next year. Crying for the first time since my fiance of two years suddenly cheated on me and left with no explanation or closure. Crying for the first time in about 15 years. But it was not a cathartic crying. It was just a feeling of being doomed and not being able to see that I wanted to live in this world any longer. Each second was a struggle to avoid thinking about suicide. I pray to God for anyone and everyone else that finds themselves stuck in a similiar moment of pain.

I made it through that detox after about 2 weeks of nights like that. The nights were the worst. Days I could get through - empty, depressing, boring, and yet so filled with anxiety and restlessness. Nothing was enjoyable and nothing would make the time go faster. If there is such a thing as 'time-dilation', people going through withdrawal know what it is. I didn't feel normal again at the end of two weeks - but I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and I knew I could start dealing with my other issues like a normal person and rejoin the land of the living.

I relapsed about a month later. Even after reading about the dangers of relapsing and thinking I had learned a lesson.

Went through withdrawal and detoxing again. Cold turkey, no taper, no other drugs to help. I kept it completely hidden from my family and friends.

Life is starting to return to me again for brief moments. Things start to make sense again. The emotional pain, depression, anxiety... sometimes they go away long enough to fell like a person again. Once again I know that in a number of days, I'll be back to being alright... without Oxycodone.

Even now, there is a bottle of Oxycodone sitting on the counter in the kitchen. But if I look at it - it shakes me to the core. As much as I want one, the thought of taking one literally terrifies me. I will not ever go back into that hell.

I'm writing this not only to get this off my chest since I cannot, and will not, ever let my family or friends know - but because I want to let anyone else going through withdrawal know:

Withdrawal does end. Even if you think your addiction is different from everyone else's. Even if you think your emotional pain is too great. It does end. Meet the fear head-on. Take the steps to quit. Or if you have already started and want some inspiration:

I never thought I could quit the stuff. I thought I would rather be dead than live without it. I thought my depression, lack of finding anything enjoyable any longer, anxiety, chest pain, etc... was abnormal and beyond what other people felt. But I have found out - it's the drug talking to you. Telling you nothing will ever be ok again. But it lies.

You stop it, you get better.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

I fell alive again. Life is worth living. Things are enjoyable again.

[done4good]

thank you for that. I think you sent that while I was flushing 5 more.
I can so relate to everything in that post about it taking away my depression and anxiety, but I was starting to feel almost normal today except for nausea still. Now I've gone and blown it.
I'm really afraid of how I'll feel tomorrow and am scared to flush the last 2.
My heart is racing and I don't even understand why I like to feel like this.

[done4good]

ok final update...thank you everyone who supported me tonight. I flushed all but the 3 I took and 1/2 of one.
I know my evil addict side is going to be p.o'd at me tomorrow but oh well...still have that 1/2 for...what? A reminder?