druggie husband, help me

[tia1980]

Hi,
My husband is a druggie. I am sure he does marijuana and another drug.. meth, crack or i dont know what. I have found marijuana many times and a hollowed out pen, maybe used as a crack pipe. (one time i saw him go crazy talk crazy and twitching his nose- anyone would say that he's on something) When i confronted him he said he did marijuana and that most of the marijuana butts i saw were fake (they were not) and just brought up something and blamed it all on me, that he did it to show me how much i've hurt him. Then a lot of drama and then swore on me that he's not a druggie and will never do marijuana again. Then i find it again within a short period of time. He has no love or care for me anymore. He doesnt seem to think about me ever. Never calls me, never affectionate, does not want to go anywhere.. just keeps busy with his life as if I don't exist and his world is perfect. If I say anything about how I feel, he ignores it or says something rude.
He's anger is crazy, he has hit people, gotten into fights.Believe me he gets at the smallest thing. I am not allowed to touch him.. something makes me feel that maybe he's seeing someone else too. When we meet and i get close to hug him or kiss him, he acts like he dont care, if i hold his hand he says leave my hand let me relax im tired, whereas he works like 3-4 hrs a day and eos nothing at home. I clean, cook, do the laundry etc etc. He gets aggressive and tells me that he doesnt love me anymore and that he loves cigarettes more than me. He never looks back to even worry about how i feel.
Other times when he's ever home he acts normal, like everything is normal. Would lay down watch tv,, sing, laugh at comedy shows, (mostly watches crime, murder, drugs and jail related shows on tv), eat and basically chill by himself. When i asked him if he doesnt find me attractive anymore, he said go look at urself in the mirror. I said, what do u mean, then he says with attitude that you dont look bad even without makeup on. He is giving me hints and clear words sumtimes that he really doesnt give a ******************** if i stay or leave. I am really sad. I have supported him through every thing, hurt, sadness, bad health and everything that i could including his feelings.
What should i do? Just pack my bags and leave?
I need support to stop hurting myself like this. I know i dont deserve this. I know i deserve to be loved and to be happy but we've been married 6 yrs and i do love him. This is really hard on me.

[marcatj]

Tia.  You know what to do...

[extrmeski]

You are doing the right thing.  He is going to go through a ton of different emotions and he will try and con you to come back in any way he can.  You made your decision stay with it.  Really please don't look back, his problems are greater than you can solve.  He is a very selfish person and he abused you.  You will be happier in a few weeks when you can shake off some of the damage that he has done.  Trust me, if you want to talk about it I am here send a pm.

[tia1980]

im almost 28 and hes 32

[Coolio Hernendez]

He said he loves cigarettes more, that is so strange.....How old are you guy's ?

I know 1st hand that when guys start saying things like this, it is b/c they are having major problems....And if you think he don't care anymore...he probly doesnt.....I know that *****.....

The only thing that ever made me stop when i was like that...was the girl just rooling....He probly really thinks you wont...so he will say anything he wants....

Hang in there...

[tia1980]

Hi,  I was waiting until tomorrow and i told him he can come with me and transfer the apt in his name. He really can't affort to pay it so he screamed hes leaving this very second, used my cell phone to call a cab and was gathering "everything" together to take with him that he will pick up every single thing by the end of the day. The cab came and left while he made a mess of all the clothes etc. etc in the entire apartment. Then he got himself beer cussed me some more and got up and left. He said he'll bring something not for me but to prove himself so i can be guily for all my life. ( I have no idea what hes talking bout). I called my lil bro who is in town to pick me and took some of my clothes and came to my family's house. My husband does not have this address because they have just recently bought this new house. Then on my way here i received his phone call and he said "so u left". I said yes. Then he said "just come back home this evening" I asked him why, he said " dont you know why". I said no. He said because you're my wife and i love you. I said i do not want to live with him and be abused everyday. Then he said "fine come home when u want to. is this what you think of me." I told him i do not want to be threatened anymore. Then he says i only said it i didnt do it. (The way he said it I know he is capable). Then he says "you keep bothering me so i abuse you, im just doing what you're making me do and im not wrong, you keep making up stuff, i never told u that i will leave if u meet ur family". He still thinks he's right and im sure he always will.  He is such a big liar.
Am I doing the right thing? What should i do now? I had called my family too, they should be here at night, maybe in another 4-5 hours. I spoiled their vacation. They started driving the moment i called them.

He will not even want to come get me and I will not go back now. Am i right? I know hes just trying to manupulate me

[wannabefree330]

I stayed in a verbal and mental abusive relationship for 9 years of my 16 year marriage.  When they are good, its fantastic.  But when they aren't it's misery.  My ex used to mostly avoid me-and i liked that.  But, I finally had to stop and think...what am I doing here?  And I have 3 children, so it was a very tough decision.  I had to think about my kids and realized it was not healthy for them, OR ME to live like that.  In some states, even a verbal threat of harm or 'burning you alive' is considered a true threat.  So, get this documented with the local police.  They can give you awesome advice.  You can also serve him with an eviction notice i believe.  but then he has 30 days to get out.  I would get a restraining order immediately.  This will give you time to gather what you need and move with family until he is out of the apt.  I would make clear to the apt management what is going on.  If he doesn't pay the bills, or does alot of damage, you could be held responsible for that.  But,  it may be worth it in the long run even if you do end up paying.  You could end up dead here.   As far as the car,  I'd report it stolen?  If it is your name only, report it stolen and if he's caught driving it, and weed in the car, he'd go to jail.  That would also give you time to think about what your next step is.  

Whatever you do, sounds like most of us agree...... you need to believe you are worth more than what this scum bag is telling you.  You deserve better.    Get out, then get him out.  Get a restraining order, the threats alone are enough.  Protect what money you can.  have your family stash your money for you, don't use your bank acct.  Also, call the bank and ask if you can be removed from a joint account?  Get out, lose the guy (he's not who you once married, and he will never be again), and get on with your life girl!!

[grateful4all]

PLEASE get out of there before he acts on his threats.  These do NOT sound like idle threats.  They sound like the threats of a desperate drug addict that is in imminent danger of losing his "crutch", namely you, and if you leave, I don't doubt for a minute that he will carry out his threats.  

You are only useful to him if you "take care of business" and keep him sheltered and with wheels.  Without that, drug abuse is a whole lot of trouble.  So when you leave, DO NOT listen to ANYTHING he says afterwards, and keep your whereabouts private if you can.  These men murder.  We see it all the time in social services.  

If you are afraid, there is a reason for that.  Listen to your intuition and GET OUT!

We're here if you need!

Hugs

[marcatj]

Tia - just get out.  You have to.

If you can get your car back now, great.  If not, you will eventually.

Talk to the landlord.  You can also change the locks (if it's in your name) and toss his sh** out on the lawn.

BUT PLEASE GET HELP.  You have to get away from him asap, and you need help in how to do that.  In how to move forward.

We can help you here (and want to) but we're not professionals.  I would also contact the police and let them know about the verbal threats.

You have to get away from this man... "love" isn't enough.

[sadinmichigan]

Tia-
I understand about the apartment and car..It doesn't matter who's name the apartment is in..You are married..Go to the manager of the apartments and tell them your leaving..and your husband will be there..
I am going to just be blunt here- you won't have to worry about your bills if your dead!
This stuff happens all the time..If you don't have children..what in the world is stopping you? Don't wait until he acts on his threats..do you believe his threats?? It sounds like maybe he has always been a bit of an a$$..and you put up with it..and now it's worse..I did the same thing..I put up with his $hit and it got worse and worse..except somewhere in those 7 yrs..i thought I could FIX him..because he wasn't ALWAYS mean..that thinking will get you nowhere except very unhappy and possibly dead..Call the police and get your car!! If it is just in your name and you have to pay the payment for it..then ask them what you can do..or keep paying the payment as usual and take him to court and get your car back...you can replace this stuff..I know it isn't easy..
What is a drug test going to prove to you? it isn't going to change the  abusive behavior. Not to mention the fact that it's pretty easy to pass a drug test..Take care..be safe

[tia1980]

Hi I thank you all for your advices and help. Im glad to have written here. I am very thankful. BoboR I do not have children.
He's car had broken a few months ago and he has been driving my car with marijuana in it. He would either drop/pick me from work or i have to get home on my own. He has left my car somewhere he was last night and got home in  a bus/metro bcoz he was high. A few days ago he told me on saturday he will get a drug test and throw it in my face bcoz im accusing him. So today i asked him to get one.. He got so angry that he was breathing heavily and was going to throw something on me but i went to the other room. Then he asked me to get the **** out or shut up other wise he will burn me alive. He is about to go out in a while and my family will be back in town tomorrow. I will take a cab and leave. But will i not get in trouble bcoz this apartment and the car is in my name and im still paying for both.
What should i do now?

[BoboR]

I'm so sorry you're going thru this with your mate. I've had a bit of experience several years ago with "hollowed out pens". I dabbled with crystal meth a few times, and we always used a hollowed out pen to smoke it off aluminum foil. I can say I haven't touched that stuff in about 4 years, and never want to see it again. The pen barrell can be used to smoke crack, too. I walked into a friend's house once, didn't realize he was tweaking on crack, until I saw the pen barrell in his room, and watched him crawl around on the floor looking for invisible chunks of crack he thought he'd dropped.

I was in a marriage previously where my husband abused/injected cocaine. We separated SIX times before I finally gave up. He always chose the coke. It wasn't until after our divorce was final, unfortunately, that he finally woke up and gave up the coke.

Take a look at your bank statements. Is he draining money from your accounts without explanation? Use caution here. I was left flat broke after a short stay in the hospital for an illness, and my addict hubby used all the bill money to buy coke. That was the last straw for me.

I don't recall reading whether or not you have kids. In any case, my advice: Take what cash you can get your hands on, find an attorney, and file for divorce. If possible in your state, try to get an "At Fault" divorce. I was told by my atty. that this could possibly protect my interests in the future, should I become disabled, etc. My ex didn't even bother hiring an attorney. He just signed on the dotted line.

[sadinmichigan]

Tia- i too have been there..it is a horrible way to live..do you have children?  I know when I finally left the S.O.B I was married to..i didn't really understand the damage that he had caused to me mentally..it was almost like i had post traumatic stress after i was out..he threatened to kill me all the time..he was physical a few times..but his mouth...it never quit..nothing I did was good enough,fast enough..anything..It really affected my life for a few years after..and you know what..that was 15+ yrs ago..and he is still the SAME..and if you don't address some of your self esteem issues..you may end up with the same kind of guy...you deserve more..just like Marcatj said..this isn't a life sentence..I hope your ok...please let us know when you can

[grateful4all]

Hi Tia

When a man, or woman, tells a partner that they "can't" see family or friends, they are intentionally isolating you, and you will henceforth be either the emotional or physical punching bag for their every frustration or mood change.  The dungheap doesn't want you to be exposed to normal relationships, nor to the advice of caring friends and family.  He is a strung-out bully, and you need to WALK.  When you get out of there, and out from under his vicious thumb, you will look back at the situation and wonder why you EVER endured such abuse.  

Trust me, dear, with all your heart.  I've BEEN THERE.
Very best wishes for your climb up from the dungeon of victimization.

Grateful

[marcatj]

Tia... this does not have to be a life sentence.

Things CAN change.  YOU can change, and make changes.

It's not easy, no doubt.  But completely doable if you are willing to try something new.

And please know that no one here is judging you... we all just want to help.  Many of us have been there before...

Good luck sweety,
mj

[enemy48]

Whoa girl.........deja vu!  I lived your life for 5 years.....5 years too long.  I only stayed w/my husband because I knew what he was capable of if only he'd put the drugs down.

Yes, it may be your apartment, but he's lived there longer than 2 years, and has that address on his driver's license, so he cannot be asked to leave unless there were legit reasons.  He threatens to hit you, but hasn't, so that's a wash.  

If you really want him out, which it doesn't sound like you're too sure....but if you do, then file a complaint w/a faith house or organization for women.  You do live in an abusive relationship, but not physically like most do.  

The one's living in verbally abusive relationships still loose self esteem so start working on that at first to help yourself to move on or take charge of your mind.

Make a list of positive affirmations "I love my body. I look great." say them aloud to yourself in the mirror at least twice a day. Say it like you mean it. Keep doing it. All people come in different sizes and shapes. Most of us would like to change something about ourselves.... but you can embrace all of who you are and start to love yourself and work on what you can - diet, exercise, etc.

If those don't help, seek some short term counseling to help you.

Go out and do something with yourself or with friends, instead of coming home to a deadbeat.  

Keep updating on the progess.  We love helping or trying to help others.

Best Wishes.

[worried878]

In  a situation like this...i would have to examine myself and why i am in this relationship/marriage..i would question if perhaps i had underlying issues to cause me to stay in the relationship....if i did i would work on them.....some people thrive in relationships like this and it is what makes them feel worth and happiness/to feel worthless and unhappy...not for me but for some it is true.. it would be sad and hurtful for me to stay...but but for some it is what they  think of themselves and what they r willing  to tolerate it to be " with a man"  i have friends who will tolerate just about anything to have "a man" if that is waht u call these types...in the long run tho it is a deep look at ur self and why this is what u feel u r worth...which according to ur post...not much

[extrmeski]

Well from a guys opinion, not all guys are like that at all.  He is abusive and is way too selfish to put his own needs aside and to be able to focus on you and what you might need.  A relationship is a two way street dear and your on the one way side going downhill fast.  If a guy cannot take the time to stop and see what he is doing is hurting the one he is suppose to love then you need to kick him to the curb.. YESTERDAY.  Hacks me off, sorry, I was great to my g/f, everyday I woke up I asked myself what I could do to make her day better, what ever that might be.  
No-one deserves a selfish lying druggie, dear, GTFO get the freak out...  
Sorry to be so blunt, but my therapist once told me that addicts will do and say anything to make sure they have what they want/need.  I went through it and had to kick my g/f to the curb, and it was hard becuase I loved her unconditionally but in the end a one sided love affair will never work.  Sorry..

[docnomore]

This guy sounds like a redneck or hillybilly with no people skills. He sounds like a real &hithead. Why do you want to be around someone like that?

[marcatj]

hun, please get into counseling just as soon as you can.

you need help here.  to figure out the situation - what to do; and more so, to understand why you are allowing a human being to treat you this way.

please, please get into therapy.

i really believe it could save your life.

i'm sorry you are going through this, and good luck to you... please seek out some help and support...

mj

[sadinmichigan]

I agree with Sunny..he has made it quite clear..and if he continues to threaten you..call the police and have him removed..if you are married there isn't much you can do as far as kicking him out....you can always get another apartment...You really do need to get away from him before he follows through with the physical threats..he has already crossed the line with the verbal/mental abuse...i have been down that road before..it will NOT get better..you will be in my prayers too...

[tia1980]

I have told him and i know he is drugs and that i will support him in getting help. I adviced we ger counseling etc. he says i need to goto a mental hospital. I have told him to either quit drugs and get help or i will not stay with him, then he says im not doing drugs but f*** you, you can leave and then yeah i will do drugs or whatever i want. He's fav lines are " i dont care " and " i dont know ". He has been threatening to hit me, this is a new dev from the past 1 month, he has said it maybe 4 times. This is my apartment but he wont even leave. He says i can goto hell and live my family but he won't leave. I told him i need a break, that we need some space and im thinking i will go and stay with my family for a few days. He says if i leave i dont have to come back. He keeps saying he doesnt need me doesnt want me im not worth it he hates me . He says hes breaking this relationship and we can stay as room mates. When i said i will stay here because this is my apartment and i really pay the rent and that if he does not want me he should leave, he asked me to give him a week and manupulated me and blamed me how evil i am to ask him to leave. im really stressed out i really do not want to be disrespected anymore. i deserve the same love that i have given to him. He is not the same person anymore. He does not value me in his life. He says even if i stay at my family's for a few days he will not accept me back n matter what the situation or whoever's fault it may be. And i know he really will never get back with me in future. I do love him but i want my life back, he controls me too much as to i cant even  meet my family or go out with frds. He says he only will allow me to goto work.

[sadinmichigan]

omg....I am soooo sorry..sweetie.I hate to say this but my first response would be YES..pack HIS $hit and have him leave...It sure sounds like he loves drugs alot more than anything else..i will tell you this...he has to want to stop and that doesn't sound like the case..He is doing something way more serious than smoking pot..usually hollowed out pens are used for snorting etc..and yes they can smoke out of them..obviously you don't want to live this way..it sounds like he is a slve to his drugs and they will make you not care and change ones personality..but no matter what..you can't change him..if he wants help..he is going to have to seek it..and even admit there is a problem..
You may have love him...but are you willing to live like this? i am so very sorry..Maybe you should just tell him to come clean with what he's doing or your gone..but if he is into drugs like I think he is...then don't expect too much..of course i am only going by what you have written..nobody deserves to be treated that way..