fishing for hope

[akitagurl12]

So I relapsed. Its been well over a year, and I screwed up.  Not on vicodin, my original DOC, but on Tramadol.  Out of the blue someone gave me a bottle of a hundred pills, I took them, and I discovered pretty quickly that they made me high.  So basically I have been binging on these pills for about 2 weeks.  However, 2 days ago,  I got really sick and shaky, freaked out, and flushed the rest of them. So I haven't had any for two days now. And I am going to be honest, I am in a very bad place emotionally.  I can't remember the last time I felt this hopeless about life.  I am hoping it is just a side effect from stopping those pills, even though it was only for 2 weeks. My stomach is also jacked up.  I am most concerned about my mental state right now.  I know logically this will pass, but I just can't snap out of it this time.  I feel so completely alone, unloved and stupid.  
I know I relapsed because I completely stopped treating my addiction.  I haven't been on this website in ages, I never followed through with the aftercare and I never gave up my addict mindset.  Even though these pills just fell in my lap, I had been secretly plotting a way to score some for awhile.  I am still no better at dealing with my emotional problems.  I still can't find an alternative to numbing myself out when life gets too hard.  I still don't know how to form healthy friendships.  Basically I have been off the pills for awhile but no better off really.  I knew it was just a matter of time.  
I can't stand feeling this way.  I mean I have been dealing with depression for my entire life, but for some reason, today it has gone to a whole new level.  The best way I can describe it is I feel completely unlovable and alone. Can someone just tell me if this is a real side effect from the tramadol?

[clean_in_ks]

You ARE loved...and you AREN'T alone.

The best place to start is to get rid of all your pills, your access to them and forumulate a plan.  For starters, since Tramadol is what whipped ya this last time....have you read any of the 61 journals here on MedHelp that our Tramadol Warriors use to help each other?  Here's the link:

http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/989796/Tramadol--Ultram-Recovery-Room-61?personal_page_id=2791571

Besides getting rid of your pills and your sources....you know you have to change "who" and "where" you associate with.  You have to find SOME aftercare of some sort and GO!!  Nobody understands an addict like another addict.  Continuing to post here would help immensely too.
Isolation and listening to the lies our addict brains tell us is a sure fire way to be miserable.  We are here....you CAN do it again....and you know what to do different this time...just gotta find out if you are willing, huh?

[Pat1956100]

Hi gurl
I am so glad you came back and posted.
If I remember right, you went off Effexor against your doctor's advice.
Maybe you really do need to be on one.
I wouldn't recommend Effexor because of the withdrawal but there are many other AD;s that really work.
What do you think?

[akitagurl12]

Hi guys,
Thank you again for all the awesome messages of encouragement.  I forgot how great this place is.  I am still really struggling with this depression & obsessing about getting pills again.  I don't know if it is chemical, seasonal, or demonic. LOL
I have a lot of shame that I am back at this place in my life, but I guess it is what it is. I see exactly where I went off track and why I am here again, it really isn't a secret. But my question is, where do I start?  How can I get back to a place mentally where I no longer want to get high and I am ok in my skin?  And I have hope for a good future?  Besides posting here, I don't even know where to start.  This is different for me then the first time around.  The first time when I started to face this, I was excited and hopeful,  and once I conquered one addiction, it inspired me to quit smoking and so on.  I just don't have that type of mindset this time.  And it is making it really difficult to move forward.  But I have to do something because I can't stand feeling this way day after day. Anyways, thank you for listening to me ramble. :)

[Pat1956100]

Hey gurl,
just wanted to say hello and let you know you are loved.  I am battling this again for the umpteenth time.
Please update and let us know how you are doing.
Hugs
Pat

xoxo

[meegWpaw]

yeh gurl, where are you??  hope ur doing ok. :)

[atthebeach]

Hun come on back and talk to us.
There is always hope.
Keep the faith.

[dominosarah]

You gotta change your playmates and playground~

[meegWpaw]

akitagurl, you know you are loved here.  tramadol w/d and depression are closely linked.  there are some very good tram journals on the site you should take a look at, maybe I can pm it to you.  don't be too hard on yourself.  I agree with atb, its great that you posted here, and we will be here for you!  you are very honest with yourself and that's a start.  keep going on the road to recovery.  you did it before and you can do it again!

[atthebeach]

My friend there is always hope dont you forget that.

[atthebeach]

Ohhh hi huni. I am so sorry to read this.
I am very happy that you stopped after only two weeks and flushed the rest, good for you.
Great job on coming back and posting.
Hun if you were already depressed and not in a good place mentally the trams does have the antidepressant component so it would have
Messed with Those  receptors and made the depression worse now that
You stopped.
You will get through this, stick with us. Please come up with plan and implement it soon.
you need a healthy support system, church, counseling meetings, exercise, healthy eating.
please take care of you.
prayers, peace, healing, much love,
Keep the faith,
Debbie

[Amandag78]

Hi, im guessing everything your feeling rite now is absolutely a side effect from the pills, not to mention how long you were clean for prior to your little slip, its no wonder your feeling crappy and your thoughts are racing, your obviously hurt and disappointed in yourself because you were clean for an extrodinary amount of time. 2 weeks thankfully has not damaged your ability to turn it around again. Sure, you had a relapse, and you know what, thats ok. Most of us do a few times in our life, some, more times than others, and some make it the first time. Its just a reminder to yourself, of where you dont want to be again.  Sometimes a relapse is not a bad thing, it makes us more determined than ever, so when we try again, we do succeed forever.

You have so much clean time on your side, and im betting you will only feel like this, for a week or so. Your bodys just in a bit of shock. Good on you for flushing the pills. That was a test in itself, and you won. Forget the relapse and look ahead. You have a wonderful future ahead. Your strong, not weak, tell yourself that. I totally know what your feeling at this point, we all do, and can only sympothise with you. Its ok, your going to be just fine. Stop getting angry with yourself, it was one moment of weakness, but you have to accept it if you want to move forward. Only you can do this, we all think you can do this. You wouldnt of posted if you didnt want to reverse the situation. You will beat this, have faith and cut yourself some slack. Your a winner xx

[ActingBrandNew]

Sorry you relapsed but glad you are back!

"Can someone just tell me if this is a real side effect from the tramadol?"

Yes

Tramadol affects the brain’s opiate and serotonin/norepinephrine systems. Sudden stoppage can induce opiate withdrawal symptoms and antidepressant-like withdrawal symptoms – at the same time. Tramadol works as an opiate and as an antidepressant-like drug, so when you stop too suddenly after chronic use, you experience opiate and antidepressant withdrawal symptoms together. Both of these withdrawals can cause the feelings you described above.

[toothfairie]

I'm not a doctor, but my guess would be yes, it's a side effect from WDing from trams....they have sort of an anti-depressant component in them....I would see your doctor and get them on board and let them know what you're doing and how you are feeling.  Good luck with it..and yes aftercare if really really important...some type of aftercare.