How do I prove to my family that I'm clean?

[JAB83]

I'm a recovering heroin addict. I've been clean for just about 4 years, and I've been working hard to get my life back together. I went back to school where my hard work has made me a straight A student, and I'm actually graduating in another month. I've gotten a decent job, where I make and save enough money to rent a nice apartment and take care of myself and my dog, however my mother continues to accuse me of continuing to use. It's not just accusations either. It's stomping around and throwing tantrums and sleeping in my hallway, where she yells at all my neighbors when they pass. She's bad mouthing me to my whole family and friends, and I just don't know what to do about this. I already take monthly drug tests, which for the first year was weekly, and which I've passed for 4 years. I've offered to immediately take one with her, but she's convinced that I've figured out a way to cheat on them. She's doing what she was doing when she first found out I was using essentially. What she did when she was trying to get me clean. Only this time I am already. She just won't give me the chance to prove it. I need some advice please. I've been talking to other family members, but nobody has any solutions. They just want me to wait it out, but it's been a few days now, and when you're in recovery having someone scream junky at you every couple of hours and do all these other things doesn't help your state of mind.

[ang_811]

Just by ur actions they speak louder than words

[VICourageous]

I could not have said it better then all of them above..Great Job and this was such a great up-date to read..Ya! The Blessing sure are coming your way..Hope you can eat steak & lobster soon!!!
Bless

[clean_in_ks]

I'm SO jazzed you came back with an update for us!!!

And that thru all that has happened, you have identified the Graves, your relationship with your Mom is better again, you STAYED CLEAN thru it all, you worked your rearend off to get those grades up and are graduating with honors!!  MAJOR KUDOS TO YOU!

You really made me giggle when you said you said, "I can't wait to make some money and not ever eat ramen noodles again."  Hahaha!

Wishing you the best as you graduate and develop your career.  And I hope you will schedule some time in your "new life's routine" for recovery support.    
Blessings to you~  

[weaver71]

I love your appreciation of the fruits of your labor, I can see why it hurts so much to be treated like you're lying and are something you are not, a junkie. I know for my wife, it's hard for her to really believe I'm sticking with it. She believes I'm clean, it's obvious when I'm not, but still has that lingering fear that it won't last. Glad your mom went to Alonon. I think that helps her understand, though hard to believe still. My wife tried so hard for so long to help me. She had given up on me, that took a lot of pain to happen. She doesn't want to feel that again. Family members of addicts acquire a lot of the same issues as the addict themself. Her not believing in you could be her protecting her heart from ever hurting as it did in your last days of use. I don't know, but I know it's taking a lot for my wife to move on, especially when she gets mad. Keep on doing the right thing, that's the best we can do. I hope it gets better, and congrats, you deserve the honor you are receiving.

[atthebeach]

this is such an awesome update. you should be very proud of yourself.
there is life after addiction and you are a shining example of it.
graduating with honors takes a lot of hard work. you deserve every accolade you receive.
we love to hear stories of recovery like yours. it gives everyone hope.
what an inspiration you are.
so happy for you and very proud of you.
glad you are being treated and are feeling better. us moms can get obsessive sometimes. glad everything worked out ok.
continued blessings to you,
Debbie

[JAB83]

Well when it all happened I got some advice to send her to Al Anon, and I did that. I founded all the meetings available where I live, which surprisingly was just about every day of the week, and I printed out their schedule for her and told her if she wanted to maintain a good relationship with me I wanted to see that she went to a few to find one she liked then stuck with it every week. She went for the week leading up to what happened and hasn't since. I'm not really pushing her to continue at this point though. She also suffered terribly with grave's disease when she was my age, so she knows well how hellish my life was/is and how much I was suffering, and I think her awareness of that and her understanding of what she put me through on top of it has mellowed her out some. She's also been taking care of me since I was diagnosed and I don't know what I'd be doing without her help.

Outside of how sick I am things are good right now. Surprisingly I managed to maintain my GPA despite having extreme thyroid problems all semester. I went from a 4.0 to a 2.5ish and almost got thrown out of school when my addiction was at its worst, and since I got clean I've been fighting every semester to bring it back up above a 3.5 so I could graduate with honors. My straight A's this semester represent the last effort I needed to bring them back up and I'll be graduating with a 3.8 and get my honors. I see it as a pretty tangible reward I've reaped with my sobriety and hard work. I'm also about to move into a nicer place with old friends, which will be nice. Lastly I'm about to be in a position to start a career, and not be a broke student anymore. I can't wait to make some money and not ever eat ramen noodles again.  

[nursegirl6572]

Thanks for updating us!  It's so nice to be able to find out what happened to people who post.

I'm sorry about your diagnosis, but it sounds as though it's being managed well, and the REALLY good thing is, you'll be feeling SO much better!  It's also wonderful that things seem to be much better with Mom.  

Just remember that if she continues to always overreact every time she's feels something isn't right..it's okay for you to stick to your boundaries when you need to.  You don't need that extra stress, and don't need to feed the chaos for sure.  Is Mom going to meetings?  I sure hope so...that's till very important.  Hopefully over time, she'll stop jumping the gun.

Very best to you..again, thanks for the update!  Keep in touch!

[ricart70]

Good to hear that you are ok. I am sorry about the diagnosis but happy things have gotten sorted out regarding your mom. Keep letting us know how you are doing.   I was wondering about you and this. It all sounded so bizarre.
   I am sure things are better for you now and I am glad to hear it

[JAB83]

I just realized I forgot to post about what happened. As it turns out my mother wasn't too far off. I hadn't noticed at the time, because I was so stressed and sleep deprived because of finals, and should have in all fairness looked horrible for the same reason. When she came back from a vacation and she thought I looked thin, and that my eyes looked glazed over, and that my color was wrong. She jumped immediately to me relapsing, so of course I jumped immediately to defending myself because I hadn't. We fought over the phone for a few days, then didn't talk for another few, then during my finals week I collapsed walking between buildings. Evidently I've had Grave's Disease for a long time without treatment. It runs in my family, but I get tested every year with my physicals and they've always been negative. Well they found it this time. Between the time that my mom left on her trip and the time I started to receive treatment I lost close to 50 pounds. My normal weight is around 190, and I'm at 140ish now. It's hard to tell when it's yourself and you're so focused on something else. As it turns out my thyroid is 3 1/2 times its normal size. Everything's fine now though. I'm receiving the treatment I need, she acknowledged she was wrong, and acknowledged that she had a reason to freak out. Just would have been nice if she'd asked me then freaked out.

[clean_in_ks]

Good for you on "boundary" setting.  Sometimes to "protect" ourselves we have to draw new lines in the sand.  That's HEALTHY....and you sound good!   A MAJOR congrats on your clean time!!...  And on your job, nice apt and commitment to school.   Hope you are getting recovery support from others for yourself as well.  Good job working thru this drama and stress and NOT using......SO glad you posted.....
After the crunch and stress of finals is over......hope you'll hang around more and continue to post here on the forum......the more the merrier~

[VICourageous]

OH..That is the Best News...She will find her Angle there that will guide her into understanding this Disease..Hack she might even find a new Buddy and leave you alone for awhile..Ha!!! I am so glad..I do pray for You and Her to get the best...Yaaaa!!! The First Step..Right? You keep us posted on how she comes along..I am sure we will be very Interested..I know I will...Great work there...Yes..

[JAB83]

No one is feeding her any information. That's the problem. She's still just reacting to it from a completely emotional standpoint, and all that comes out is anger and fear, which isn't a great combo. We had a talk a little earlier though, semi-calmly, and I put my foot down. I told her she needed to go to Al-anon, and explained what it was to her, or least what I know about it, and told her she wasn't welcome back in my home until she did. I told her I wasn't trying to punish her, but that I need her to figure out how to feel better about all this, and that I thought that would help enough that she could cope a bit better, and she seems to have accepted that. There was no yelling at all this time, which was nice.

[VICourageous]

I feel for you..That has to be tough..I was on all of the drugs off and on since I was 14..The methadone got me hooked Bad...I am in my 7 month and I have to stay in my Safe Place alot..I can not even be with my friends I have known for 40 years due to there using..My husband just leaves me alone to do what ever I need to do for my Recovery..My Mom lives in a Trailer on my property and she is so supportive, even if she deals with cancer herself..I have a Step dad in town and my real Dad is down the Road a bit..I would not know what I would do in your shoes..Maybe she should hooked up on this site for Support..I think we have something for supporting Family Members..Heck we have it all on here..You name it I think we have it..I just can not figure why she has to be like this when you have so much time behind you..Do you think someone is feeding her the wrong information???

[JAB83]

At this point I feel like I've done all I can. Between letting her live with me to see me everyday and know I'm doing well, to agreeing to weekly and then monthly drug tests, making my doctors believe that I'm doing well emotionally and physically, and offering her the Al-anon information. It's up to her now. I just need to do what I need to do and hope that she figures out that what she's doing isn't helping. She took off out of the hallway and hasn't responded to my texts about Al-anon yet. It's been a couple of hours. Hopefully she's somewhere calming down. At the very least she's stopped threatening me. I got a pretty wide variety of those this morning.

[VICourageous]

I just wanted to give you some Support..Great Job on your time..And good luck on the exsames .I have to agree with them all..But one thing did stick out to me..That is your mom lost your dad..So I do think she is afraid of you using again and she thinks you are going to od..But I got some videos and a lot on the "Disease of Addiction" and my family watched it over and over..It really gave them some insite on how this disease works and that it is not are fault..Oh yes we made the choice to take the first substance..For alot of us we trusted the DR..But in your case she is seeing the big H as a Bad, Bad thing..It does not matter what we do, it can start up the disease.. I am sure you know..I pray that she can get to those meetings and understand this better..You do not need the Stress nor the Drama in your life for many reason...I wish you well..You just Focus on Yourself....
vickie

[JAB83]

Thank you. I have no reason to lie here. I think that's part of it too. I think she's used to feeling like she needs to protect me and it's driving her a little nuts that I don't need her to now. I was her youngest, so I was always the baby, but I'm a 30 year old man now. I don't need to be babied. I'm glad she cares, but she needs to learn how to cope with my recovery in a healthier way, for her and me.

[JAB83]

I just texted her the meeting information for Al-anon. There's a meeting here almost every day of the week. Hopefully she actually goes. I think it would be helpful for her to be a little bit more educated about what recovery is like for me, and how she should be behaving

[OpenMind24hours]

I go to Al-anon and sometimes Nar-anon, although not as much as I used to BC my daughter has been clean for 9 years now + I also go to NA/AA and I'm busy working on myself and my 6 months clean time. It's so important that we work on our own disease on a daily basis. Our lives depend on it. I can imagine what you're going through with your mom isn't  easy. It's like that TV commercial of the guy trying to ignore the elephant in his living room. It's there! She's your mom. I agree with all of the above, she's not right, but I know it's hard for you to convince her that you're okay now! She probably thought she was going to lose you. That's trauma to a parent. It affects us parents very deeply when we think our kid's in danger of dying.

I'll share my experience with you: Since 1999 at my Al-anon meetings  I've listened to just a few mom's and dad's share "my kid is using/drinking I know he/she is". One of them was a gal who was 26 years sober at the time. It indeed goes with the territory with some. When my daughter was out using all of us family members were planing her funeral in our own thoughts. It was a very depressing time in our lives. We all thought she was going to die for sure. I woke up in the morning and instead of my life, it was HER life going through my mind as soon as my eyes popped open. I didn't even have a life anymore. It was horrible. I can see where it becomes an obsession with some. I was obsessed. I was clean in AA at the time and for many years. My sponsor along with others suggested I go to Al-anon. That program teaches  "Allow other's the dignity to be who they are. Allow them to feel the consequences of their actions". But, man, when it's your kid...not easy at all. We feel It's our innate duty as parents to protect our children. Even our adult children. Until I really KNEW my daughter was out of danger, I was obsessed, way down deep inside, no matter how many al-anon meetings I attended or what anybody said. What convinced me was to go to her NA home group, at her invitation, and watch her chair that meeting. I got tears in my eyes when I saw that! I knew she had found a God of her understanding.

You just keep on doing what your doing with staying clean. Congratulations on your clean time. I hope you and your brother can get your mom to become open to some help with that obsession she's all caught up in. And I hope that I was able to shed some light on her possible thinking.

[vicki595]

This is such a busy and important time for you and it needs to be all about you. Your mother is spinning out of control for whatever reason ( maybe feeling threatened by your graduation and success?  Maybe she prefers you sick...it happens...)  Can you stay somewhere else for a few weeks?  I know that would probably be hard for you but she's doing her best to sabotage you and that's a lot of pressure.  Can your brother come over and kind of buffer things so you can get your work done?  

I feel badly for you...no one needs this BS from anyone!!  And I doubt if there's anything you can do to convince her you're clean.  I agree with your brother; for now ignore her. Then separate from her. I know she's your mother but she's acting like a lunatic so don't give her an audience!

Keep posting here for support. You've gotten some good advice so far and, for what it's worth, I believe you...

[JAB83]

and you're right. I feel like I need to solve something with no immediate solution and it's very frustrating

[JAB83]

That's pretty much what I've done. My phones been off about half the time, but I need to keep turning it back on because I have a job that tends to call me in when I don't expect it. I'm keeping the texts too in case she does something extra nutty so I'll have the proof if I need to prove it.

I do have a sponsor, but it's not going to help. Her perspective is that my being around anyone whose ever been an addict is going to be a trigger for me. She has no understanding that the most helpful productive thing has been speaking with people who can relate. That's really been my biggest problem recovering. I don't feel like I relate to anyone. I have a few good friends who've been through it too, but we're all busy people and we all have our own problems to deal with.

[JAB83]

Yup. That's pretty much how I am right now. There are empty bottles of vitamin water and paper coffee cups all over my workspace and I haven't shaved or combed my hair in about a week. It happens pretty much every semester. You'd think after seeing me do it every semester she'd start to recognize it for what it is.

[JAB83]

He passed away in 2006, or that would be my solution. He was always the more level headed parent. All I really have as a buffer is my brother, who I'm close enough with that he trusts me, and is doing what he can. I can't help but feel like the combination of my father's death and my consequent heroin addiction didn't break her emotionally/psychologically, although she's always been a bit unstable. It's just the last thing I need when I'm trying to prepare for finals and get everything else done for school that I need to get done. It's awfully difficult to concentrate on writing term papers when you have someone behaving this way. I essentially told her that she needs to start treating me with more respect and at least giving me the benefit of the doubt before doing this again or I don't want her around me anymore. It doesn't exactly help someone whose in recovery to constantly be called a junky or be treated like one.

[nursegirl6572]

I agree with the others completely.  This sounds like way more than just her not trusting you.  Her behavior isn't normal.  It's not normal to send several hundred text messages in 24 hours.  She doesn't sound interested in talking or discussing anything, just making accusations.

I too agree that it takes time to rebuild trust, and you've really done a great job SHOWING those around you that you're on the right path.  This is a problem that lies with HER at this point, and I would encourage you to get another family member involved, and I would encourage you to distance yourself from her bigtime while she's acting this way.  I too agree with ignoring her completely when she is acting this way.  

I understand you want to solve this, but she isn't being reasonable...so there is no sense trying to reply to her.  Honestly, I would just delete her texts without reading them, and ask her to stop texting you.  Tell her if she wants to sit down like adults, with someone else present (as a mediator kind of), that that is fine.  Until then, you're not going to get into this back and forth with her, as you've got things going on you need to focus on.

If she still continues to barrage you with texts, block her number. You need to send a message to her that her behavior is unacceptable.  You being an addict and having broken trust with her a while ago does NOT make it okay for her to act this way, not at all.  Is she still living with you?  If so, IMO, that needs to change ASAP, it's not healthy for either of you.  I agree with ricart that she has an unhealthy obsession with you.  She sounds like she needs some help.

Just keep doing what you're doing, and try to ignore her behavior as much as possible.  Congrats on all of your accomplishments, you should be SO proud!!!  Let us know what's going on!!  I hope things calm down for you!